Rough beginnings.....

[Evie]

Hello,
I have been a mother for a whole 6 months now. However, I got two more kids thrown into the mix about a month ago. They are 2years, and 3 years. My boyfriend got full custody after he hadn't seen them for a year and a half and they were severely neglected by their mother.
My boyfriend works pretty much everyday, he leaves before they get up and comes home only 1.5-2 hours before they go to bed. So the rest of the time.. I am taking care of them. To be honest, its been a nightmare :[. They are mean, they don't listen, they hit/yell at/throw things at my 6-month-old. Neither are potty trained and scream every time I even try to put them on the potty. They pretty scream about EVERYTHING. I feel like I can barely spend anytime with my 6-month-old because they need pretty much 100% attention ALL the time.. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and my boyfriend doesn't seem to understand how hard this is for me. He has started going on roadtrips for work so now he is gone for a whole week. I am in college and have NO time to do any work, and I can't even go to class for heavens sake because I can't find anyone to babysit them after the way they treat people. I don't know what to do anymore... I'm trying to get in contact with people to help like early intervention and speech therapist(the 3 year old cannot say works.. he only grunts).. Any tips on any part of this? Haha. sorry its long.

 

[singledad]

Wow. It sounds like you are really feeling overwhelmed, and I don't blame you at all. You were dumped into a very difficult situation.

It would make sense that the children would act out all the time, if they had been neglected enough for the court to reverse custody. They are probably in desperate need of some love and attention. But I can see how hard it would be for you to give them what they need AND take care of your baby AND study. It's a big ask.

I wish I had some concrete advice for you, but I really don't. All I can say is that I think you are on the right track with trying to get in contact with some professionals. There are other's on this site who are better equipped than me to advise you. I guess I just wanted to say that you aren't talking to thin air - people here just don't always have a lot of time to post. Hang in there - someone will post some advice soon.

 

[Mom2all]

Evie.. I can imagine how hard it is. I know its overwhelming. First, can I ask how you feel about being a mother to those kids too. If they were well behaved and perfect children, could you love them like a Mom? I'm not judging at all, because a lot of people wouldn't be able to. I ask because at 2 and 3, I honestly believe that they are young enough to be completely turned around into wonderful children. But if its not what you want at your core, they may be in for another uprooting in the long run, and that would be damaging too. Could you see yourself loving them and wanting them? If you could, hang in there.. you can fix this!

 

[Evie]

I definitely love them! I met them when they were just babies. They were so much different then. And I know they just need a lot of help right now, and it will get better because they are so young. I wish i knew people with experience in this but then again its good that i dont know any other neglected children! This morning i woke up to the little boy banging his sisters head into the bed... I never thought this was where my life would be, but it is, and i want to do everything i can for them.

 

[Mom2all]

Good!! Then know this.. they are confused and damaged and overwhelmed. You know how o communicate that.. by looking for us for instance for help.. at 2 and 3, they have no idea how to express how they feel lost, unloved, confused, lonely, or angry. If you look at why they are doing what they are doing, instead of just what it is they are doing, it might make it easier to deal with. They are babies.. they are expressing all this crap they are feeling the only way they know how. Its not about you or your lack of love, but about them. So.. you can relax a little. Your not a failure.

But how do you fix it?

1. They probably had no direction or sense of stability for a while. Kids need that. I would continually remind them, this is home, I love you, you are safe, your here to stay. Start making routines they can count on. Bedtime story, snack after lunch, a treat after nap.. those type things. Kids thrive when they know what to expect.

2. Start with the individual problems and work on the most important first. Changing everything in a week is impossible and I think would make them feel more vulnerable. Something like.. this week.. no hitting.. we work on potty training.. bed time. Work on those things harder then the rest. Let the rest roll away with maybe a little, "hey we don't do that here" and let it go. Don't try to change to much or they'll never remember.. and you'll be fussing all day. Not a way to build the love and trust huh?

3. Find time for each one individually. They need to feel special. AND FIND TIME FOR YOU. You simply have to do this. Find someone who can give you a few hours a week to decompress. You'll be better if you can remember who you are.

4. This might be the hardest thing. Maybe you could put off the other things in your life for just a little while? 3 months is better than nothing. If you are trying to do to many things at once, none of it gets done very well. I think the peace you'd find in getting these children under control and your family back to a loving peaceful place might be worth letting the rest go for a while if you can. Something to think about anyway.


Good luck~ We're pulling for you!

 

[Evie]

Thank you I will definitely try to do one thing a week instead of trying to change all their behavior right now. That does sound like a good idea. Once the little boy starts going back to pre-school(if we can find one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg) then I will have time to spend with the little girl. The little boy would just rather not spend any time with anyone, so I am not sure how to approach that. I try to do something with him and he gets upset and just wants to go be alone. Thank you for your advice I will definitely try to do this.

 

[Mom2all]

I would bet he doesn't want to be alone. I would bet that he doesn't know how to be with a grown up giving him attention. I would stake money on they fact, he'd loved to be loved... but he doesn't know how.

Find something. Something he absolutely loves more than anything. Do it with him and if he walks away, tell him your sorry he doesn't want to do it to, but that you still are. Do it a little each day. Something they have to do with you.. and keep doing it until he comes around. He doesn't know how to interact with you.. but he can learn. If he loves to play outside, then outside time is with you playing too. If he loves watching cartoons or playing a board game, only let them do it when you can do it too. If he loves to eat cookies.. then he has to help you make them. Make it fun. Don't get discouraged when it doesn't work the first 100x. Sooner or later he'll hear you laughing and having fun with the other guys and want to be involved. Tell him you wish he was helping, that you miss him. Smile.. don't make it feel bad. Always keep the invitation open and wait.

I had a little girl with me for a while. She was 6. The meanest, nastiest little girl you'd ever want to be around who told me the first time we met, the first 2 minutes in fact, that she hated me.. my voice.. my face.. my house and to never ...ever ...ever touch her. Only she was really just scared and mad at the world. I kept at it and she became to sweetest thing. I wish I could have kept her forever.. but in the beginning.. I kept thinking.. dear me.. its Satan's very spawn. She really just needed to know she was safe and loved and wanted.. and I was going to be the same Miss Kelly day in and day out. Hang in there.

 

[akmom]

Wow, that is a hard situation.

It sounds like you are in the same position as a foster parent: you are caring for neglected children, who were removed from their home by the court, and who are not related to you. If you were an "official" foster parent, you would have been trained on how to care for these children, there would be a social worker evaluating them regularly, they'd have access to the resources they needed, and you'd be compensated for some of the expenses of caring for them (including daycare/preschool).

If I were you, I would put school on hold. Then I would try to get both children enrolled in daycare. You could care for your baby during the day, and co-parent the other kids with your boyfriend in the evenings. Clearly they need some early intervention as well. Personally, I don't think a job that involves overnight road trips is appropriate for your boyfriend at this stage in life. He has just gotten custody of his children and he needs to be there for him, whether he happens to have a girlfriend or not.

Once you can get your daily routine down to something manageable, you can start really connecting with the older children. I like Mom2all's advice; she obviously has lots of experience with this, and good advice for teaching kindness and empathy.

 

[Antoinette]

i agree with daycare. i actually work in daycare and i can tell you we are trained in how to give special love and attention to each child individually. you may even get government subsides? find a day care you are comfortable with where you trust all of the workers and see how you go. this will give you extra time with your baby and the other children will get some routine which will hopefully stable them out a bit...

let us know how it goes?

 

[Neway]

It's a tough job parenting, step-parenting is even harder, expecially when the kids are older than your bio-kids.

You've been given some fantastic advice already, but I just wanted to add in, don't underestimate the power of touch, especially skin on skin. This can be something as simple as touching the childs face when you are speaking to them, rubbing your hand along their forearm, and if they will allow you to hold them, rubbing their back under their shirt (your palm on their skin). Skin to skin contact releases oxytocin, which is the trust (and bonding) hormone, it is also very calming.

Would your school be willing to grant you an extension given the circumstances? I know it sucks having to put your life on hold, but these two little people sound like they really need someone good and stable in their lives, and it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job giving it to them.

Have you thought about using a baby carrier for your 6 month old? That way you have her close all the time.

Is your boyfriend giving them plenty of attention when he is home? I know that it's not ideal having him away so much, but it's hard getting a job, let alone keeping one nowadays, and you need an income to survive.

See if you can pick up a copy of the Hanen book, "It takes two to talk" and if you can find a Hanen therapist, even better. I did the "It takes two to talk" course a few years back with my 2nd daughter who has developmental and speech delays, it was awesome.

It's going to be a tough road, but one that will be very worth it in the end

 

[bssage]

All good advice. The only thing I would add at this point. As you try and prioritize what things you wish to address with the kids first. You may want to choose some of what you think are the easiest to correct first. I know this may sound counter-intuitive.

Your first instinct is probably to tackle the issues that cause the most concern or distress. I recommend little to big issues. As you have some success with the simple to fix (little) issues. It will be easier to tackle the more sensitive or complicated (big) issues. To build on the successes. If you go the other route (big to little) the correction may be so lengthy or complicated that you both become discouraged or worse fail completely.

Doing things in this way also give you a chance to improve your strategies so that by the time you tackle the big issues you will have some confidence in your plan.

I hate to say this. But I do agree with the others that you may need to put something off for some amount of time.

I take it that neither you or your boyfriends parents are in a position to provide a little relief for you?

One last thing. Your going to make mistakes and have setbacks. We all do. Feel free to share with us (vent). We understand and most of us vent here from time to time ourselves.

 

[Testing]

Hello,
I have been a mother for a whole 6 months now. However, I got two more kids thrown into the mix about a month ago. They are 2years, and 3 years. My boyfriend got full custody after he hadn't seen them for a year and a half and they were severely neglected by their mother.
My boyfriend works pretty much everyday, he leaves before they get up and comes home only 1.5-2 hours before they go to bed. So the rest of the time.. I am taking care of them. To be honest, its been a nightmare :[. They are mean, they don't listen, they hit/yell at/throw things at my 6-month-old. Neither are potty trained and scream every time I even try to put them on the potty. They pretty scream about EVERYTHING. I feel like I can barely spend anytime with my 6-month-old because they need pretty much 100% attention ALL the time.. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and my boyfriend doesn't seem to understand how hard this is for me. He has started going on roadtrips for work so now he is gone for a whole week. I am in college and have NO time to do any work, and I can't even go to class for heavens sake because I can't find anyone to babysit them after the way they treat people. I don't know what to do anymore... .

I feel for you. That's a tough situation. It's hard enough just having a baby, especially early on! To add other kids on top of it, is really difficult. If you give birth to them, at least you get to get used to them a little at a time and adjust. You were just thrust into this role.

You are not seriously trying to go to college with two toddlers and a baby?

 

[Evie]

I am doing really well in school. And we do tons of sensory activities, and I spend pretty much every moment except when they are bed with them. It is possible to go to school and take care of them at the same time... they are improving a lot. I am mainly looking for advice about discipline. But, I what I'm doing right now is working just fine for me.

 

[momandmore]

Children are very resilliant. Show them all of hte love and care you would show your own. They need time to adapt to a normal lifestyle. They will learn (=