Sent away...

[taraly]

Good afternoon,

Curious, how many of us here were sent away from our home by our parents to live? Why did go? Did you want to? Did you get to go back? Do you think that choice has had a lasting affect on who you are today? Looking for any feedback or insight anyone can provide. I am looking for insight from both men and women; no limits.

Thanks,
Taraly

 

[TabascoNatalie]

My husband was at boarding school, courtesy of social workers (family couldn't cope well with his behaviour) Still feels a lot of anger and resentment about the fact. His most proud memory was how he set a garden shed on fire and got expelled.

 

[taraly]

I am interested in the anger he currently feels. How hold was he when he was sent away? Why does he feel his family found him difficult to live with? What was his perception and perspective from that time line and did he ever get to move back home? What kinds of relationships does he have with his family today? Has your marriage suffered any sort of set backs or seen obstacles that could have otherwise been avoided?

I am sorry to be so inquisitive; I was sent away myself and now I am doing a study on it for my college course (I am a non-traditional student) and this matter is somewhat fascinating to me. I never really thought about my situation as I just accepted blame for being the "problem" within the family. My perspective at the time was due to abuse, depression, neglect and family dynamics. I am anxious to learn of other experiences.

Thank you for your insight!

 

[singledad]

I'm not really sure if mine is the experience you're asking about... I went into foster care at 13. At first it was a relief to be away from my abusive father, but only for a short while. The foster home wasn't a good place.

I struggled with a lot of issues for a long time, but it was more due to the abuse I experienced before and in foster care than about the fact that I wasn't living with a biological parent, so I'm not sure that I can help you...

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I am interested in the anger he currently feels. How hold was he when he was sent away? Why does he feel his family found him difficult to live with? What was his perception and perspective from that time line and did he ever get to move back home? What kinds of relationships does he have with his family today? Has your marriage suffered any sort of set backs or seen obstacles that could have otherwise been avoided?

Well, it was a sort of traditional english boarding school you read about in books -- brutalise children so they grow up to brutalise the rest of the world.
He was 11, and the family was quite dysfunctional. 7 kids in total, 3 oldest were sent away. And he was a troublemaker -- shoplifting, vandalism, etc.
The anger he feels now is that he's got a problem with ANY authority. Also feels like punching someone in the face solves an argument. Family reunions end in fistfights. Otherwise, our marriage is fine.
And... He would never send our kids to a boarding school. Not even if we could afford Eton.

 

[taraly]

I'm not really sure if mine is the experience you're asking about... I went into foster care at 13. At first it was a relief to be away from my abusive father, but only for a short while. The foster home wasn't a good place.

I struggled with a lot of issues for a long time, but it was more due to the abuse I experienced before and in foster care than about the fact that I wasn't living with a biological parent, so I'm not sure that I can help you...

This would be something I am interested in hearing about if you don't mind to expand?

 

[singledad]

This would be something I am interested in hearing about if you don't mind to expand?

I don't mind expanding, but I need to know what you are interested in... I can't just type up all the details of my life... it would take too long

I will start by answering the questions in your OP. Feel free to ask if you want to know more.

<U>Why did go?</U>
My father went to prison. My mother had left two years before, and wasn't interested in taking custody of my brothers and me. My grandmother would have taken us, but at the time there was no contact between her and my parents She didn't find out until three years later, and the state didn't know (or didn't bother to find out?) about her.

<U>Did you want to? </U>
I wanted to get away from my father. I didn't really want to go live with strangers. I'm not really sure what I wanted - I don't think I even knew what I wanted back then...

<U>Did you get to go back? </U>
No. (I would rather have phrased it as "Did you HAVE to go back", though I went to live with my grandmother when I was 16, though.

<U>Do you think that choice has had a lasting affect on who you are today?</U>
Yes. I believe just about every experience one has as a child, shapes the person you become.

 

[taraly]

SingleDad,

I probably should be more specific about what I was looking for. I was sent away at the age of 16 and though I was hurt and scared I don't know that I let it bother me too much as my mother was abusive and my father was not doing his part to protect me with the exception of getting me sent off. I was sent to live with my dad's sister; a woman he never spoke well of and rather than telling us kids that was just his opinion of her he led us to believe she was really not a nice person. This is who he sent me off to. Come to find out they just have their problems. I was sent back home as she and I come to have our problems and long story short - I just learned to survive and maintained a quick response survival mode since. I was giving the situation more thought as the gentleman I have been involved with was also sent off but he was not from an abusive home at all. He found out some truth about his biology at a young age and I think that affected him more than he realized. He never went home. My experience was enriching and though I never thought about it from too much of a negative view I wonder if maybe others had felt or gone through similar ordeals as there does not seem to be a lot of insight on this matter.

~Tara

 

[singledad]

I'm still not sure I have much to add... Foster care really didn't make much of a difference to me, apart from adding more crap to deal with. Moving in with my grandmother, though, is probably the main reason why I am a healthy, functional member of society today, and not dead or in jail...

Lol. Perhaps I still don't understand the question...