Should I be a little more protective?...

[Aunt]

My niece wants to stay at a friend's house and something about the girl's dad gives me the creeps. The kid in question is lovely and her mother seems ok but I can't put my finger on what I don't like about the dad. I certainly don't think that it is a good idea to site this as a reason when saying no because there is no proof of anything at all untoward, I just don't feel comfortable with him. It turns out that this weekend we have to go to a family xmas thing so we compromised and she can bring her friend with us. But sooner or later this will come up again.
In future, should I let her go secure in the knowledge that the mom is there or should I say no? or am I being grossly unfair to this man when all I have to go on is my own feelings?
If I do say no what do I tell her. I am not great with the whole no thing yet but then there have been no truly unreasonable requests.

 

[chefrick]

Until you are at ease with it, I would stick with your instinct. In the mean time, there are ways to discreetly do background checks. For instance, here in Montgomery County, they have a PRO system that shows any criminal cases within the County limits.

http://www.clerk.co.montgomery.oh.us/pro/

Just Google your county and state, for instance "Montgomery County, Ohio public records&" and type the guys name in and see if there is anything to be concerned with on a criminal level.

Also, there is a national sexual offender web site:

http://www.nsopr.gov/

Again, type in any name and if they are an offender, they will be there.


If you come-up blank, then perhaps when you feel comfortable, you could start with baby steps, like a few 2 hour play dates at her friends house and see how your niece does. Tell her about your feelings in a polite way so she goes in with her eyes open, but not too cautious or paranoid. Like you said, it is possible, in fact very likely, that this man is "normal" and there is no need to worry.

If she senses something weird, then stop having her go there immediatly.

 

[Kaytee]

How old is your niece again? 11? I would have to agree with Rick. I am not overly protective but I do have limits (heck my kid has never spent the night without me and I have only left her a dozen times for no more then a few hours and typically when she is asleep lol) BUT if you feel something is off, then I wouldn't let her go. You will have to good at convincing her that she doesn't want to though lol, if they ask to go the the friends house, convince them to stay at yours or to go to the mall, and so on.
I would think follow your instincts

 

[FooserX]

I like Chef's post, but I really think you ought to look harder at what it is about this guy that you don't like.

Some people seem rude, or mean...but when you get to know them, they are really likeable. Maybe you just haven't given him a fair shake.

 

[Aunt]

She is 11. Nearly 12. As she keeps reminding me when I express and "ill think about it" sort of doubt LOL. I have checked the sex offender registry and nothing has turned up so i suppose it is solely a possibly unfair gut instinct.
You are right foozer it is more a feeling than anything reasonable. It is not so much that he is mean or rude. In fact the poor guy is pleasant enough but a little creepy.
For instance he was perfectly convivial when I picked my niece up from their place after she had been just hanging out there during the day but he and their older girl (abut 15 or 16 id guess) were play wrestling. There was nothing suggestive about it but usually when a girl is that old fathers may hug them but wrestling? For the dads out there am i being unreasonable in being a bit put off by this? it was not like she was a 9 year old tom boy

 

[FooserX]

So a dad was wrestling with his daughter who was 15 or 16?

lol...

Call the cops!

If he was abusing his kid, I'm sure the daughter wouldn't have wanted to be near him, much less have fun wrestling with him. No? It's not like he was wrestling with other girls...just his daughter.

 

[Kaytee]

I agree, some daughters are very athletic and enjoy doing things like this.

 

[fallon]

I find myself feeling a creepy vibe from a lot of people but for the most part they are very nice just a little weird...lol but I agree with the others, if there was anything really off about this guy his 15 yr old dd wouldn't be playing with him like that.

 

[musicmom]

I know when I was around 12 that friends fathers were really odd. One even gave us alcohol and started talking about sex and he wasn't on record as a pedophile. I would go with your gut. Gawd forbid anything happen that you can't take back.

 

[Aunt]

Well music mom in fairness I doubt he is giving the kids alcohol. They are some sort of evangelical christians that tend to frown on drinking. He is probably horrified by the 1/2 bottle of white in my fridge. But the gut feeling you describe is what i am feeling and the idea that it is too late to fix things after something happens. Even if it is totally unfair.

 

[chefrick]

Well music mom in fairness I doubt he is giving the kids alcohol. They are some sort of <U><I>evangelical christians</I></U> that tend to frown on drinking. He is probably horrified by the 1/2 bottle of white in my fridge.

This would be enough to frighten me. I always get a strange vibe from the fundie crowd.

 

[Aunt]

Yes well each to their own i suppose.

 

[musicmom]

I'm not saying he WOULD give them alcohol I'm saying things happen. It's your child. Go with your gut is my opinion. Anything could happen.

 

[Kaytee]

yes but at the same time being too overprotective will lead to many bad things. Kids that are so protexted from the outside world have many issues when they finally get there. Drinking in college, not knowing what to do in bad situations because they were nevere faced with problems kinda things. I am not saying that you should let her go but you do have to be cautious not to put your own fears onto children.

 

[FooserX]

I really feel bad for kids who have over protective parents.

One of my co-workers...she won't let her kids play in the front yard. They aren't allowed to open the windows in the house either...in case someone might see that 2 girls live there. They can't have candy or sweets...like...ever. The list goes on and on.

When I talk to the mom, it's obvious she loves her daughters, and is just protecting them...but man...it's like they are missing out on childhood.

 

[musicmom]

Why because she won't let them open their windows? Maybe she has air? Maybe she takes them to a park? No reason to feel bad. Children are going to make their own choices when they grow up and I doubt closed windows will have an impact! Geesh.

 

[FooserX]

For whatever reason, you really get on my nerves. Don't post to me.

 

[musicmom]

 

[Kaytee]

That is not good, obviously that mother is way to cautious, kids need fresh air and if she won't open windows just for the fear of girls live there, she is going to have even more issues with these children

 

[FooserX]

I don't think air is the issue. It's more like...she doesn't want anyone walking/driving by the house to see that girls live there.

I get it...it just seems...extreme.

She told me a story once that she left her kids unsupervised once, and they went wild...porking out on sweets, guzzling soda...everything. lol It just made me think that when they get to be 16 or so, they will not be binging on food - maybe boys.