Should religion be an issue?...

[ivybendorf]

Ok, this is gonna be a big one for me, but I have to see what others think. I am a deeply religious and spiritual person. I have had my faith tested and lost and regained over the years, but here I am 10 yrs later, just as faithful as anyone. But I am not Christian, as my parents are. They do not attend church or pray, by their own admission, but they do believe. They raised my brothers and I with no religious influence whatsoever.

Now, every Easter and Christmas, my parents insist on having my children over. They have read them Bible stories every night they have spend at their house, and they ask me not to speak of my religion in their (my parent's) presence. They saturate my children in their faith, but refuse to have anything to do with mine. Mind you, I am raising my children in a religious home, so they know of my faith, but my parents resolutely will not have it mentioned. I don't anyway, its not a major issue in day to day life with my parents, but still....

Here is where I have issues. The other day I asked them to attend a special service for my son similar to a baptism, and they refused. They have also refused to attend my wedding next December. They allow my brother to pressure me to convert in their presence, and admit they would not allow me to do the same if I was rude enough to try it. They will attend my brother's children's baptisms, but not my children's.

They reason that they do not approve of my religion. Does this seem rational to you? Does a parent have the right of 'approval' over a grown child's faith?

And for the record, my parents and I are not speaking.

 

[Kaytee]

well being a Christian myself, your parents are not acting Christian.
I see nothing wrong with them teaching your children about the Christian religion in a non threatening, non aggressive manner. Just as I would be fine with someone else teaching my child about non-Christian religions.
As I said though your parents are not acting Christian. They need to respect your religion, regardless if they believe in the same thing or not. THey need to respect your children as they venture on their road of religious discovery.
You are their religious guide, you are there to teach them your beleifs, if they choose as adults to go a different way, then that is their choice. But your parents need to be supportive of them.

 

[ivybendorf]

edited: it was a drag out rant about my parents, totally rude and pointless

 

[Amber]

While they may not agree with your religion, they need to respect you enough to treat you as a part of the family. Just because you have seperate beliefs doesn't mean your not as vital as your brother.

I disagree with a lot of my brother's religious beliefs, but I don't snub him or anything for it. Everyone has differet beliefs and they all think they're right. All one can do is pray for that person they think has the wrong beliefs. If yours is correct, they'll eventually see the light.

 

[meow_173]

Well, Seeing that they raised you with no religious influences, that opened the door for you and your siblings to find your own faith, whether that be the one that your parents believe, or something totally different. That being said, your parents should respect this, and shoudl have seen it coming. With that said, they should resepct you and your faith, as you do with theirs

 

[ivybendorf]

Well, Seeing that they raised you with no religious influences, that opened the door for you and your siblings to find your own faith, whether that be the one that your parents believe, or something totally different. That being said, your parents should respect this, and shoudl have seen it coming. With that said, they should resepct you and your faith, as you do with theirs

i have brought up this same argument with them. their reply is that they still have not 'approved' of my beliefs. i have yet to figure out how that has anything to do with it.

 

[meow_173]

i have brought up this same argument with them. their reply is that they still have not 'approved' of my beliefs. i have yet to figure out how that has anything to do with it.

Its not fair for you to be set up from childhood to find your own belief and then not be given the respect you deserve. I'm not sure how to apporach your parents, but don't let the kids go to grandma's house. Before earn the right to be grandparents, they need to learn to respect their own children first

 

[etceterae]

You're your parents' child, no matter what happens. So tell them this (or something similar): "You and I both believe in God, though we are in different sects. But will you let any difference between our sects get into the way of our blood relationship? I love you, and I love God. So perhaps our interpretations of the Bible are different, but the fact that I am your child will always stay the same, and I would not like our slightly different beliefs get in the way of that."

Additionally, you're an adult now, and even though you're still your parents' children, the point is, you're an adult. You're capable of making your own decisions of what you believe in. It's not necessary for them to approve of your religion (though it admittedly makes things easier). Talk to them, plan out what to say carefully beforehand, and be firm but not demanding. Reiterate that you love them, and that you're their child.

Good luck with your parents; I hope things work out well. Religion can be both a difficult and wonderful thing.

 

[musicmom]

I agree that your parents are not acting Christ like if that's their beliefs. I take it at whatever ceremony you are doing with your son that you will not be sacrificing him on a chopping block right?
I think your parents should do whatever it is as long as the little one (your child) is happy. Good for you that you stood up for yourself.
Religion and politics will tear people apart. In my family no one touches on those subjects out of respect for one anothers privacy. All you can do is invite them, no biggie if they do not attend. I'd quit inviting them eventually. They need to think about what they are doing if they want to be a part of your childs life.

 

[ivybendorf]

All you can do is invite them, no biggie if they do not attend. I'd quit inviting them eventually. They need to think about what they are doing if they want to be a part of your childs life.

See, I wanted to think this, and for a while I did, but it failed miserably when I found out that my nieces and nephews would be given that attention and my own children will be deliberately ignored. My brothers are permitted to pressure me to convert, but my own very strong faith is totally banned and even cursed. My parents are very obviously playing favorites not only with me, but also my children. Can I let my kids be treated that way? What is going to happen 5 years down the road when my daughter asks me, "Mommy, why does Nana go to Uncle Bobby's Christmas party but not our winter festival?" "Why does Poppy open presents with Aunt Lura's family and not us?" "Will Nana and Poppy come to my 'conformation'?" I don't know how to answer those questions, and I don't want to have to figure it out.

 

[Ari2]

They reason that they do not approve of my religion. Does this seem rational to you? Does a parent have the right of 'approval' over a grown child's faith?

I don't see where rationality applies when you are talking about matters of faith. Of course your parents may disapprove of your faith, just as you had the right as an adult to reject their faith.

It seems to me that the issues are your parents 1) exposing your child to their faith and 2) refusal to participate even in a minimal way in your observances. If you are not talking to them I can't see how you can resolve these issues easily.

Do you mind that they expose your child to Christianity? If so, they can either stop or you can remove your child from these events. You are the parent, and if you feel your parents are doing harm by their activities it is your right to stop it. If it comes down to this, I hope you do speak to your parents and give them the opportunity to tone down their activities so your kids do not have to be excluded.

But how much do they know about your religion? Are you a wiccan (you mentioned something akin to baptism and a winter festival, so I"m just guessing)? If so, perhaps they have some negative ideas from popular culture. They also might not just think your religion, whatever it is, isn't simply misguided but is morally wrong. Then you have a harder situation.

You may simply have to accept that they will not participate, even as bystanders, in any of your ceremonies nor allow a discuss of it in their home. You can't force them to support you any more than your brother is able to convert you.

 

[Gioia]

It's a tough one. Parents should be respected in what they wish to be taught to their children If communicating with your parents in a non threatening way doesn't do the trick. You'd have to either limit your son's contact with them which is kinda radical and I don't think you'd want that or the other approach is to simply trust God and do your best to be the right sample of love to your son and parents knowing that your son's character and beliefs will be affected by your sample and guidance. bottom line: Do everything you can to teach and be a sample of love and righteousness to your kids and let them decide when they are old enough. Its part of their growth to come to their own conclusions about life and faith. Faith is not religion but certainty. It is not gullible. It simply knows. God Bless You!

 

[ivybendorf]

Do you mind that they expose your child to Christianity? If so, they can either stop or you can remove your child from these events. You are the parent, and if you feel your parents are doing harm by their activities it is your right to stop it. If it comes down to this, I hope you do speak to your parents and give them the opportunity to tone down their activities so your kids do not have to be excluded.

simply misguided but is morally wrong. Then you have a harder situation.

I have no problem with my children learning about Christianity. I really don't. But I do have a problem with them reading Bible versus to them behind my back and insisting they attend <I>all </I>Christian holidays.

Yes, I am Pagan. And they do have a rudimentary knowledge of my beliefs. They do not think it is evil, but, according to them, 'they just don't agree with it." They could not explain more than that. They would not attend my son's Wiccaning because they assumed I would force them to participate, which is just so incredibly RUDE, I cannot begin to understand why they would think that. I invited them to come and observe, be present for a special day in DS's Journey, I they assumed I would hand them a knife and have them slaughter a goat or something!

We are not speaking because I refused to see them or have my children see them until they could approach me with some iota of respect. It is not just religion with my family: They undermine my authority with my daughter constantly and then demand I allow it because if I don't, <I>I</I> am not showing <I>them</I> due respect. If my younger brothers make a mistake or say something rude or do something 'unacceptable' (a popular word in my parent's vocabulary), then I am to blame because I obviously influenced them poorly. I am the black sheep, lowest on the totem, scapegoat, highschool pregnancy mistake, and I cannot think of any time my parent's have respected me. This is the first time I have stood up for myself and finally said, "Love me or leave me" after a lifetime of taking their dirt. I just had to post here and ease my guilty-feeling conscious and see if I maybe made the right choice. Support is nice.

 

[Ari2]

I am the black sheep, lowest on the totem, scapegoat, highschool pregnancy mistake, and I cannot think of any time my parent's have respected me. This is the first time I have stood up for myself and finally said, "Love me or leave me" after a lifetime of taking their dirt. I just had to post here and ease my guilty-feeling conscious and see if I maybe made the right choice. Support is nice.

I'm sorry your parents have treated you so poorly. It is hard to have your parents not respect you.

After a certain point I think for one's own survival one must draw a big, bright boundary line and say that there's no crossing it (at least until the dynamic changes significantly). Ultimately, allowing someone else to treat you without respect is corrosive and unhealthy. But I'm sure it is hard, painful, and guilt-inducing. I hope either your parents realize they are hurting their daughter and her children or you are able to have more peace about it.

There was a period of time that my father was extremely disrespectful to me. He would "jokingly" call me a failure, a nothing, a zero in public. The reason for this is a long story, but it was due to a decision I made that would have 99.99% of US parents wetting their pants with joy at their daughter's success. Meh, I get the crazily-demanding 0.01%. Eventually, he regained his humanity, realized I made the right decision, and stopped acting like an @##. But I had resolved by that time that one more incident with him and I would cut him out of my life for at least a few years; my self-esteem couldn't stand the constant assault. My dad and I are very close now, and I once told him how I was prepared to cut ties with him. He got tears in his eyes (and he never cries) and apologized. He couldn't defend himself - there's no defense to making your kid feel worthless - but he was immensely sorry. Perhaps one day your parents will have such a realization. I hope so.

 

[ivybendorf]

I hope so too. When I told my parents I was breaking ties, my father's response was, "Fine, deprive your children of their grandparents that way. Come back when you learn some respect." That was a week and a half ago, and I have yet to hear from them. I am pretty sure I won't hear from them for a few years. Its too bad, they don't know I am pregnant with my third.