Should we allow them to win...

[bssage]

I have been playing chess with my boy (11) for several months now. I am really happy he has taken an interest in it. I have played all my life and loved it. Always considered it a "thinking persons" game.

When I was a boy my dad would always say that he never let us win. And I kinda believe that even now. Dad sucks at chess. But I am afraid I will either discourage him from playing by kickin his little 11 yr old butt all the time. Or insult him by letting him win. So far I have stuck with my dads system of "you have to earn it" But I dont know anymore. I want to encourage him.

Dont really have an ethics issue here. Just not very good at lying.

What do you think.

 

[Buttaflly227]

I love chess too and my husband and I play often. I'm not necessarily 'good' but I do beat him sometimes.
I would go with what feels right for you. Apparently you're into chess so your Dad's method worked for you at least, right? Think about how you felt when you played with your dad. If that doesn't work because maybe your son has a different disposition as you, then just talk to him and ask. He is eleven so he could most likely give you a decent answer. When all else fails, be direct !

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Maybe once in a while but if you let him win often, he'll become bored.

 

[bssage]

I love chess too and my husband and I play often. I'm not necessarily 'good' but I do beat him sometimes.
I would go with what feels right for you. Apparently you're into chess so your Dad's method worked for you at least, right? Think about how you felt when you played with your dad. If that doesn't work because maybe your son has a different disposition as you, then just talk to him and ask. He is eleven so he could most likely give you a decent answer. When all else fails, be direct !

I agree kinda the difference is my dad is really novice at best. I, while admittedly not a grand master. Am much more advanced. Participating in chess clubs and tournaments in HS. My point is not to sing my praises but rather point out my dad was not difficult to beat.

 

[Jeremy+3]

How is he meant to get better at chess if you let him win? Plus if you let him win you are kind of telling him that losing is a bad thing as well.

 

[IADad]

but you don't teach a keep to goal keep by putting in the box and having Gervinho kick at him and tell him to start making saves...

Maybe the the thing is not so much to "let him win" but behaps somewhere along the line, you might "make a silly mistake...." or two. You could even use is as an exercise for yourself, you put yourself in a hole and pehaps have to play more creatively to work your way out.

At this age I think the priority should be on building the interest. Once he has the interest and is perhaps playing others at his level, then you can take the role or grand master and challenge him to knock you off. At that level he'll appreciate the challenge and work to try, meanwhile he's beating the pants off his school mates or whover it is he finds to play with.

 

[bluebell]

Hmmm......so hard to say. I used to play chess and checkers with my dad at an early age and while I won the very occasional game, I don't think it was because he let me. But, I never had the expectation that I should win so I don't remember throwing any fits about it or anything.

Whereas my ex's little boy must have been let to win a lot at his mother's house because when he would play games with his dad he would get upset when he didn't win, and often try to cheat.

 

[IADad]

Hmmm......so hard to say. I used to play chess and checkers with my dad at an early age and while I won the very occasional game, I don't think it was because he let me. But, I never had the expectation that I should win so I don't remember throwing any fits about it or anything.

Whereas my ex's little boy must have been let to win a lot at his mother's house because when he would play games with his dad he would get upset when he didn't win, and often try to cheat.

very good point about "letting them win all the time" There are lessons taught in losing. And cheating is one thing I won't let them do. If you cheat, the game is over. Period.

 

[bssage]

All good points so far. I am just listening to the thread.

 

[Xero]

Me personally, just because you are so good at it, I would let him win on OCCASION. Not all the time, not even often. Just here and there to keep him interested and make him feel like he has a chance at being good at it. To give him a couple of moments to be proud of himself to keep his interest going. And to make it feel like his hard work pays off here and there. It probably wont be until he is a few years old before he is even cognitively ABLE to be as good as you, you know? So the idea of "how is he supposed to get good at it if you let him win" is pointless until then. I mean he's 11 lol. Like I said though, only here and there. And don't tell him, and try to keep it secret and make it so that he doesn't notice. That's just me.

 

[PianoLover]

i would compromise by "Playing on easy"

I have a game called Ivanhoe and when friends come round and I want to teach them I always don't use all my experience playing the first few hands so that they feel confident that I'm not going to smash them every time, I also point out useful tricks they can play on me so they come up to a challenging standard sooner rather than later, so it's not necessarily patronising!

 

[parentastic]

I am afraid I will either discourage him from playing by kickin his little 11 yr old butt all the time. Or insult him by letting him win. So far I have stuck with my dads system of "you have to earn it" But I dont know anymore. I want to encourage him.
Dont really have an ethics issue here. Just not very good at lying.
What do you think.

You could explain to him the concept of "handicap" in a sport or in a competitive game.
Then, give yourself a handicap: remove your queen, perhaps remove also some other pieces, and do this until you feel the field is leveled.
Then, you can truly play for real and so can he.
As he learns, you can reduce your handicap.

 

[Mom2all]

I agree with paretastic. My Dad never let me win, but he let me think I might have a chance from time to time. He made me try harder to actually do it! In one on one basket ball games, I could actually have my sister help me. We still didn't beat him! In chess, I now know, he was easy on me.. but still beat me in the end. Funny thing is, when I actually did beat him as an adult, I almost didn't want to.

 

[MrsMummy]

dont let him win, my dad didn't let me win either, but then again my husband wont play me cause I beat him all the time

My dad however use to get the upper hand and then turn the board around and I would play form his advantage... and still lose but I realised that I could have won. It kept us playing and the interest for him.

My dad was a bit of a bastard though I beat him once when I was about 14 he's never played me since. but I am a fair player now.

I still hold to the fact that watching a good chess game is worth every loss. Allow for them to rewind a couple of steps if he can remember it, ask him how many steps ahead he is etc. and talk you through them. And challenge the dumb moves but letting them win for winning sake, what does it really teach?

happy playing
MrsM

 

[alter ego]

We let them win occaisionally.
Ive found they just give up as 'too hard' if they lose everytime.

 

[FPN_Trey]

I agree, even as a believe in building self-esteem in our kiddos, in not allowing kids to just win. As MrsM articulately put it: "what does it teach." But I'm resistant to this we-all-get-a-gold-star mentality since I fear it breeds mediocrity (forgive the philosophical vernacular here).

Again I want to say, I am big on building our kids self-worth up but I believe that failure can be an excellent way to do that....just hear me out.

We've started praising our kids not for the performance they have displayed, but on their diligence to try again.

Juuust before I read this my daugther was playing on her LeapPad. She was playing a hard learning game and coudn't get it so she moved to another game. After playing that one for a while, she came back to the hard one and started it over. I praised her for trying the hard one again and asked why she was back on it to which she replied: "practice makes me better at it." She's 5. Many adults haven't figured this out.

She gets praised and built up for trying again, not just by winning (though we praise her when she genuinely owns one of us) or by us allowing her to win.

 

[MinnDad714]

You know, I say let him get close to winning, which motivates him to even do better. Discuss techniques and strategies, too. It's a sort of bonding session if you will.

My 12-year-old and I like to debate issues, and let her get close to the brink of "winning," and then call it off, letting her think about it and the issue simmer. Then I'd encourage her to look more into the issue. It works wonders!

Mark

 

[bssage]

Status update..

This weekend he wanted to play. OK I thought, I will slow my game a little. Well I couldn't help myself. He left me with a six move opener and I just couldn't bring myself to throw that away. I did allow him quite a bit of time between his last and checkmate. Would have let him replay the move it he would have caught it. But he was not paying enough attention to the game.

After the game he told me about him playing (and winning) with kids at school during a free hour. He said the other kids got sick of losing and started to cheat. Yep Thats Ma Boy!

Now I am thinking of making sure he doesn't win. He is not nearly as graceful a winner as his dad. And I just know its going to be bad.

 

[JBKB3]

Rather than letting him win you could use it as a teaching tool. Take one of your pieces and say ok IF I put mine here what moves do you see, defense or offense and then leave your piece there and let him play around it. Or sometimes point it out to him if you see him making a bad move helping him play a better game but not necessarily throwing your game either. I am not sure removing game pieces as a handicap is good though, since part of the game is knowing what each piece does and analyzing where that piece may move or where you can move to avoid it. If you play with out it then he won't be use to playing with it. You practice how you play.

My Dad taught me how to play chess and also never let me win. We played for years before I beat him. I played the neighbor once... I was probably 15, he was in his 40s and thought he was pretty good. I beat him bad and he never played me again..
Though my Father and I are out of practice when we do play they are pretty even matches.
I am teaching my daughter to play chess as well.

 

[BabyAngel]

The handicap idea is great, I'll keep that in my backpocket for when my daughter is old enough for chess !