Single dad of a 12-year-old - worries and concerns...

[MinnDad714]

So, I am hoping some other parents can help out with advice. You're probably more experienced about raising kids than I am.

Background: A am a single dad. My daughter just turned 12. For the last year, I've been away doing military stuff, and my ex was nice enough to raise her (we have a good relationship still). Now that I am back, I get full custody of Maddy, and her mom is on the West Coast.

I used to be a great father, and I think I still am. It's just that a lot has changed in a year. One of the first things that I thought about when I came back was how much Maddy has changed - she's going through a growth spurt and not the little girl that used to be daddy's princess anymore. I am fine with that. In fact, I think this is the age when she needs me most.

Problem: I feel awkward around Maddy, as if she's a completely new person, because she's growing and such. Although I have reservations about being affection as I once was, I realize that she is still my daughter and still needs love. But I still feel uncomfortable.

Yet, the biggest problem is that I am afraid she's growing too fast. I missed out on a year of her life and all the sudden, she's turning into a young woman before my eyes. I am uncomfortable with the fact that somehow she's not my little girl anymore. It's this irrational feeling every father has, I think.

Emotionally she's growing to be more stable and mature, and intellectually she's developing into a curious, wonderful young woman. She's physically changing, too - and that's probably the toughest part.

I wish her mom were here to deal with issues that are specifically women-oriented, but I'll gladly step into the role. It's just hard and awkward shopping for clothes and such, as well as the everyday interaction.

And then there are worries that come with her growing. Though we keep an open line of communications and both her mom and I have talked to her about choices and sex and such, what worries me is not her decision-making skills, or even the boys -- as they are boys and are also silly and awkward. What I worry about is just society and men. Already, I can see leering eyes from men, and I know exactly what they're thinking, and I just have irrational fears.

Maybe it's just me coming to terms with her growing, or perhaps I am just getting adjusted to life back in the States, but either way, it's a lot of irrrational fears and worries. My dad once warned me that I'd be worried and I brushed it off. But it's starting to come true. I just hate that she's ... going through this transitional stage.

I am not sure if I have a specific question. It's just ... feels different being a dad.

Can anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice?

 

[Dadu2004]

I don't think that you really have a need to feel awkward...it may be guilt feelings in your head about being away for the last year. She's still your daughter and your little girl. Yeah, she's grown in the last year and you have some catching up to do...but it's nothing that can be overcome. Spend a lot of time discovering what she's become over the last year.

Don't beat yourself up. Keep your communication lines open, show her that you still love her...all will be well.

 

[mom2many]

Perfectly normal father reaction. I can remember one fight with the husband. He could not see where he had a double standard when it involved our DD's versus our son. Frankly we need a closer eye on our son then we did on our girls but dad couldn't/wouldn't see it. At some point in the argument I asked why he insisted on holding onto his double standard. He turned and looked at me with a lost look and said "cause those are my girls, my babies and dammit I know what goes on in a boys head".....point exactly that our son should be our bigger concern .

Here's something consequently I have seen happen in my home and with friends. Mom's have a harder time with their boys growing up. Not sure why either. If you don't make it an issue, she won't either. If it is natural for you, it will be for her. ow you handle it will determine how she will handle it.

 

[MinnDad714]

Perfectly normal father reaction. I can remember one fight with the husband. He could not see where he had a double standard when it involved our DD's versus our son. Frankly we need a closer eye on our son then we did on our girls but dad couldn't/wouldn't see it. At some point in the argument I asked why he insisted on holding onto his double standard. He turned and looked at me with a lost look and said "cause those are my girls, my babies and dammit I know what goes on in a boys head".....point exactly that our son should be our bigger concern .

Here's something consequently I have seen happen in my home and with friends. Mom's have a harder time with their boys growing up. Not sure why either. If you don't make it an issue, she won't either. If it is natural for you, it will be for her. ow you handle it will determine how she will handle it.

Indeed, it is that knowing what goes on in boys' or in this case - men's, heads that is the trouble. And seeing her grow up, oh, it just makes me feel like I'd lost her somehow.

Hell, picked her up from school the other day and barely recognized her because she was turned the other way tying her shoes. I nearly had a heart attack. This is the first time I am raising her alone, we just moved to a new city, so it's tough. But I get it.

 

[IADad]

Don't beat yourself up. I think the same feelings of having missed out or losing the little girl can happen with parents who are there every day.

There's nothing ever wrong with dad hugging his daughter (unless it's in a school or at a mall, in front of her friends....;-) )

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her, that in so many ways she's not the little girl you last knew. I think she'll appreciate that you notice and don't intend to treat her like a little girl. Be honest with her, talk with her. You obviously care, and have the right attitude, that you will get through, but instead of struggling with these things alone, talk with her, and spend a whole lot of that time listening. If you can get her to spill it, be sure to take in her every word. You knowing and taking note of the things she's shared from her life will mean everything to her.

 

[MinnDad714]

IADad -- thanks for the response. You seem to "get it." All good advice all around. I'll seek to rebuild that connection. Besides, the whole shying away from her is silly anyway. Her growing up isn't a problem - it's something every parent ought to celebrate.

 

[Mom2all]

I thought I'd share a few "Moments" in our life. My ex-husband, wonderful man btw, had been in our lives and watched our daughter grow up. She had grown quite into a beautiful young woman. She was athletic and most of the time wore sweats or t-shirts and hair in a pony tail. Her 10th grade year, she got dressed for homecoming court and came out in her evening gown with make up and heels on. I looked at her and just saw beautiful. He stopped in his tracks, mouth agape, and then started to cry. After she left, we spent the next hour or so discussing, "when it happened". He had completely missed the fact she wasn't a little girl anymore and he'd been in her life everyday.

When I came into the lives of my 3 other children, Kat was almost 12. She was growing and becoming a young woman. Her father, good man that he is, didn't see it at all. She didn't even own a dress because he thought, "oh she's a tom girl and doesn't like them". She is naturally well endowed and he was still buying her training bras. She had a mass of wild curls she didn't have a clue how to fix on her head. When I bought her lip gloss, we argued and he ended up having to take a walk for over an hour to come to grips with it. She will be 16 in a few months. Her first heels, her first eye liner, the first dance at school, the first time a boy called the house were all things we have to talk about and prepare him for. He takes many long walks to work things out in his head.

I think what your feeling is absolutely normal. Hang in there.
PS. Thank you for serving our country.

 

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[momtoallkids]

i cryed when my son turned 10. we all go through it. we want to keep and protect them for as long as we can and its hard excepting the fact that they are growing up. its good to be vigilant and for her to be as well but try not to go overboard. u kinda got to roll with the punches. there is no manual to puberty. ya kinda gotta take it as it comes. as for your relationship with her given that so much changed while you were away, take every opertunity you get to just talk. about anything at all even something as trivial as the weather. itll let her get comfortable talking to you and itll help you in that area too. then find things that you both enjoy doing and make time to do it. its not an easy age but it will help ease the transistion. just a thought

 

[DadofTeen]

I totally agree with IADad. I was so mixed up in my career and getting ahead that I had lost my daughters changes.

I actually realized it when she turned about 12. Coincidentally, that's when all of the major changes started to occur to.

Body changes, attitude changes, friends changes...her 8th grade was quite a challenge for my wife and I.

But we did what IADad suggested...talked with her, we were honest with her, told her our feelings etc..

I did have a similar challenge that you did. My wife had difficulty talking about the "good" stuff, so I took the lead and filled in.

Lucky for me I was raised with three sisters. So I knew all about the stuff that goes on around developing women.

Make sure you gain her trust and have open honest and casual conversation about developing into a women. Talk about her bodily changes, her menses, lightly touch on sex and other subjects.

At first, as with everything, it may be difficult. But as you continue to have the conversation, it becomes easier and easier. She will most likely open up to.

Take her out on Dad-Daughter dates...show her how she is supposed to be treated...preparing for the years to come.

Write short notes of affection and leave them by her bedside.

Send short text messages (if she has a phone).

Create a private facebook group (if she has one) for just you and her where you can send her cool videos, funny pics, messages, and splash in some parenting stuff from time to time.

Discuss themes of movies or shows...then dove tail that into a conversation about her...

Mix it up. Make it fun.

It sounds like you are the right man for this. I commend you on your efforts.

And thank you for serving our country!

DoT.

 

[LucidKitty]

She will always be your little girl even as she grows into womanhood that will never change . As for the other stuff that's normal as she probably feels a bit akward herself. You seem to be doing just fine with it all though, and before you know it you won't feel this way.

 

[Testing]

The thing that is most important is that you keep hugging her and being affectionate, if you always were. Joke with her and say silly things.

DadofTeen had some great advice.