Single dad problem-please help!...

[jen]

I am engaged to a guy who has a 4yr old daughter from a short lived relationship. First of all, the child lives with her mother out of state about 9hrs away from us. Therefore, she only comes to visit every other month for one week at a time. Also, the mother started a new relationship with a man while she was still pregnant with this child, and they are subsequently still together and now have a child of their own as well, and she refers to this man as "daddy." And when she comes to visit her real father, she acts as if she's not at all relating to him as her father. This particular visit, she has been very rude, she said she likes her other daddy better and she does not want to come here anymore. We do everything possible to make her at home here, however, once we try to punish her with a time out for bad behavior, she automatically starts crying, refuses to apologize for her behavior, and it becomes a huge ordeal just to enforce a timeout.

My fiance talked with her mother, told her what she's acting like here, and she has been no help. It's as if she is sent here to be babysat for a week without having a relationship with her father, her real father. Can anyone tell us what we can do? We thought of counseling but how do you go to counseling with a child who is only here a week every other month? Also, she lives too far for frequent visits, so what do we do to promote this relationship with her real father? We know her mother has got to do something in regards to teaching this child about her real father and encouraging their relationship, but how do we get her to do that? It seems like all she wants us for is to babysit and send money. Meanwhile, we go through torturing visitations every other month. PLEASE HELP! What can we do to help this child develop a relationship with us when she has clearly stated she does not want one?

 

[musicmom]

I can only speak from my experience. My parents were kinda like this. I ended up calling my father by his first name and eventually quit caring about him all together. It's nothing my mother did.

On a different side, why isn't the father driving to see his daughter? Why doesn't he move closer to her or go drive 9 hours to see her?

I think the relationship has to work both ways but if it's only working because the mother is driving 9 hours to allow the daughter visit her biological father then it's going to be rocky.
If you really are that concerned about the daughter then persuade him to move closer. She's only a child and doesn't have much say in the matter. She's going to be closer to the one that is in her life.

That's just my opinion.

 

[Kaytee]

I think for a young child who doesn't really know her father and has a "daddy" at home, its confusing for her. She doesn't know her real father and I think that something needs to be done to try to remedy that. Does your husband or boyfriend or whatever call often to talk to his daughter. Like every night before bed?

 

[FooserX]

MOVE CLOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol

Sheesh.

Why would you want to marry a guy who ditched his family obligations and dad duties with his own daughter??

I don't care who moved to a different state, but the other parent needs to follow. You are blaming the mom for everything - how about you turn that finger to your fiance who has given up being a parent???

Why are you expecting the mom to change the girls' behavior? She can't make her daughter think the biological dad is dad when he's not even around!

AND...this girl doesn't need to listen to you as you guys are NOT the parents. As far as she is concerned, you are babysitters trying to act like parents. You're the ones who do not belong and are the problem for her.

Seriously...this post makes me mad.

 

[jen]

Ok, this is a very nasty response. First of all, the mother did not inform him he had a child until she was 9 months old, and NO he did not run out on his obligations, he went to parenting classes and immediately got an attorney to establish visitation rights. So, after many court visits, the judge ruled in his favor stating that the mother was not helping establish a bond between the two of them and so it began from there. How dare you say we have no right to parent a child. That's the most ludacris idea I have ever heard. If this is your parenting advice, I feel for your kids. This post is ridiculous. Get over yourself!

 

[FooserX]

Why are you living in different states then?

I love how minimal effort is just the norm in today's society.

Like...somehow going to parenting classes and visitation every now and then is a substitute for a real parent who is there 24/7 to raise the kid.

Look, some people think part time parenting is good enough - I don't. You wonder why this kid is behaving the way she is...and it's quite clear that her living situation is a factor.

It's insane to me that you guys live in different states, and still expect to have all of the parenting benefits, such as love, discipline and obedience.

 

[jen]

Kaytee,
In response to your question about him calling the child, yes he does call but she won't talk on the phone. He does ask her mother to put her on the phone, so she does listen, but won't talk otherwise. Also, moving closer is not an option. I have two children and this is where all of our family is, and we are very settled here. So, any other suggestions?

 

[Lissa]

MOVE CLOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol

Sheesh.

Why would you want to marry a guy who ditched his family obligations and dad duties with his own daughter??

I don't care who moved to a different state, but the other parent needs to follow. You are blaming the mom for everything - how about you turn that finger to your fiance who has given up being a parent???

Why are you expecting the mom to change the girls' behavior? She can't make her daughter think the biological dad is dad when he's not even around!

AND...this girl doesn't need to listen to you as you guys are NOT the parents. As far as she is concerned, you are babysitters trying to act like parents. You're the ones who do not belong and are the problem for her.

Seriously...this post makes me mad.

I have to agree. Of course, I would have worded it a little nicer.

Don't mind Fooser. He's just pissed because he can't reattach his foreskin.

 

[FooserX]

Kaytee,
In response to your question about him calling the child, yes he does call but she won't talk on the phone. He does ask her mother to put her on the phone, so she does listen, but won't talk otherwise. Also, moving closer is not an option. I have two children and this is where all of our family is, and we are very settled here. So, any other suggestions?

Are your two kids yours and your husbands? Or is there another stepdad in the picture?

 

[fallon]

what do you guys do when she's with you? given the fact that she's only with you 1 wk every other month I would think it would benefit if she was made to feel special while she was there

 

[FooserX]

Maybe you ought to just end the family ties all together.

Let the kid live a normal life with a normal family in another state.

 

[jen]

Fooser, tell me how easy do you think it would be to pack up and go to a different region of the US leaving all of your loved ones and your stable job which you do need in order to support that child? I don't know one single parent who has left their own home to follow their ex across the country. NOT ONE. And I know many divorced people. Having said that, this child on her last visit was excited, happy to be here, getting along great with everyone and all was fine. This particular visit has been terrible. She knows all of us well, so I do not think that's a problem. Now, if you think we are going to allow a 4yr old child to come here, or there for that matter, and act like discipline does not apply to her you're crazy. She gets it at school, at home, and she will get it here when necessary. You can't just let her have run of the house wherever she goes. And no, I don't think it's all the mother's fault. I don't think she helps, but somehow the two of them have to come up with a solution to help the child.

 

[fallon]

Fooser, tell me how easy do you think it would be to pack up and go to a different region of the US leaving all of your loved ones and your stable job which you do need in order to support that child? I don't know one single parent who has left their own home to follow their ex across the country. NOT ONE. And I know many divorced people. Having said that, this child on her last visit was excited, happy to be here, getting along great with everyone and all was fine. This particular visit has been terrible. She knows all of us well, so I do not think that's a problem. Now, if you think we are going to allow a 4yr old child to come here, or there for that matter, and act like discipline does not apply to her you're crazy. She gets it at school, at home, and she will get it here when necessary. You can't just let her have run of the house wherever she goes. And no, I don't think it's all the mother's fault. I don't think she helps, but somehow the two of them have to come up with a solution to help the child.

have you guys considered it may just be her age?
my daughter at 4 was different from one week to the next. Her moods changed a lot and while one week she was a perfect little sweetheart the next she could be a whinny little brat.

 

[Lissa]

Now, if you think we are going to allow a 4yr old child to come here, or there for that matter, and act like discipline does not apply to her you're crazy. She gets it at school, at home, and she will get it here when necessary. You can't just let her have run of the house wherever she goes. And no, I don't think it's all the mother's fault. I don't think she helps, but somehow the two of them have to come up with a solution to help the child.

How can you discipline a child that is 9 hours away? The better question is how do you stay consistent with such a distance? That would be a huge obstacle you'd think.

Of course she's excited and happy to be with you. I bet she'd be even happier if you lived closer.

 

[jen]

well, we do always try to make her feel special. For example, he took her one day shopping alone to let her make a build a bear which she enjoyed, and we normally try to go bowling, movie night, whatever she typically wants to do. And no, my kids are from my previous marriage and there is no other stepdad in the family.

 

[Lissa]

Maybe you ought to just end the family ties all together.

Let the kid live a normal life with a normal family in another state.

*reminisces on her first rude post from Foos*

:wubclub:

 

[fallon]

agian I think it sounds a lot like her age to me. If moving closer to her isn't an option than why not more visits? Or longer visits? I'm not sure how she could understand who her daddy is if she only sees him 1 wk everyother month. I'm not bashing you by any means, just wondering...She's 4 and really none of this is her fault. As Parents you all need to take the blame and get serious about having this child lead the best life she can...there are 4 parents involved here, surely you could all work out something that will benefit this child over all else

 

[musicmom]

Who said you have no right to parent the child? Did I miss that post?
So the dad knew about her at nine month old and she's four now. That's plenty of time to move.
I have to agree with Fooser. A child needs a full time parent not a part time one. If the little girl lives full time with a man then she's going to know him as daddy. If her biological father steps up to the plate and does what it takes to be a full time parent then I'm sure she'll want to call him daddy.
A child isn't going to bond in the time that you are allowing that child. She deserves more.
I have to agree that the mother is not the bad parent, not saying there is a bad parent. The biological father needs to move closer to the little girl in my opinion.

 

[FooserX]

>>>>Fooser, tell me how easy do you think it would be to pack up and go to a different region of the US leaving all of your loved ones and your stable job which you do need in order to support that child?


Did I say it was going to be easy? Lol

Of COURSE it's not going to be easy! I said that would be the best thing for the child. That is what is in the child's best interest.

Jen, tell me how often doing the right thing is ever the easy thing? Uh...it's not. If doing the right thing were always the easy thing, then the world would be a righteous place. The fact is the right decision is normally the one that is most difficult.



>>>I don't know one single parent who has left their own home to follow their ex across the country. NOT ONE.

Who cares who you know!? lol NOT THE POINT! I'm sure parents have done it, and it CAN be done.



>>> She gets it at school, at home, and she will get it here when necessary. You can't just let her have run of the house wherever she goes.


Uh...how exactly do you think a kid is going to lean consistent parenting when she's at two different homes so far apart? Kids can't even get consistent parenting within the SAME house with married parents! Maybe she's "fine" one visit...but no way is this healthy or going to be good for her.


You know what...it still doesn't matter. None of this matters...all you are giving are convenience reasons as to why it works now, because it means you don't have to disturb your world.

Newsflash! Kids are #1 priority! This kid has to travel across states just to see her dad one week. Lol...and she doesn't think of him as dad. Doesn't that strike you as odd?? The kid has to go through all of this because you don't want to look for a job or pack some boxes.


>>>> I don't think she helps, but somehow the two of them have to come up with a solution to help the child.

[/COLOR]
Lol...what POSSIBLE solution is there that will get this kid to be close to her dad whom is states away while she's growing up in another family?[/COLOR]

 

[jen]

I completely agree. However, her mother won't allow longer visits because this child does have a life there, she goes to preschool and she does not like her to miss school. They meet half way to exchange the child so no one is driving all the way to the other persons state. Plus they feel that the drive is too long for the child to do too frequently. You do have to take into account the long distance travel for a 4yr old. And we definitely think that this could be just her age. That's what we're hoping this is and hopefully she will grow out of it.