Single parents, dating, time and guilt......

[singledad]

So, I've met another girl who, well, I dunno. Let's just say I want to keep seeing her...

BUT. Between work and taking care of the house and the garden and the two of us, I have very little time left to spend with my DD - just playing and talking and what not. Also, since I started running again, even Saturdays are often occupied. (Let me just say here, I am not willing to give that up. I'm a better person, and a better dad when I get my regular serotonin fix )

The problem is that, given what I've said above, I feel guilty to leave my DD with someone else and go out. I feel that she should be my first priority, and that I should put spending time with her above spending time with a woman who may not even remain in my life for a long time. And spending time with the two of them together isn't an option either, since the general recommendation seems to be that you shouldn't introduce potential partners to you children unless you are sure the relationship has a future. I'm not even sure we can call this a relationship at this stage...

So I'm looking for advice, I guess from other single parents or former single parents. I know there are a number of people on here who have children from past relationships - how did you find the balance? How do you deal with the guilt? I don't want to be the dad who's so busy dating that he doesn't have time for his child, but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either... So I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and I don't know what to do about it.

 

[mom2many]

There is nothing wrong with taking time to spend with someone else. I am a believer that you don't bring anyone home until you know that it may...it doesn't <I>have</I> to.. lead somewhere. However that doesn't mean that you and her and your DD can't go on an occasional picnic or a play date to the park. It is ok for your DD to see that daddy has friends of the opposite sex, just no huggy, kissy kinda stuff. A few hours here and there of adult time is not a bad thing, it's no different then your running, both are about taking care of you so that you can take care of you dd.

 

[Xero]

I agree with M2M. Also, you could always get a jogging stroller!

 

[MomoJA]

I agree with M2M and Xero. I'd add that you don't want to wait to introduce the steady to your child until you are set on a future with her because, ultimately, you'll probably base that next step on how your child and the steady hit it off.

I don't know how much time you have to spend with your child, and I'm not saying this because I do it right, but I think it is important that you have some time to spend apart from your child when you are not at work. I can probably add up all the waking hours I've spent away from my child when I wasn't at my job and it would come to a total of one full day. I would like to spend more time away, but I'm paranoid about leaving her with anyone I don't know, and I feel guilty asking family to take her except when I have no choice. I think it would be healthier for the two of us if we could have regular times apart.

 

[singledad]

Thanks guys. (Or girls, actually )

I agree with M2M and Xero. I'd add that you don't want to wait to introduce the steady to your child until you are set on a future with her because, ultimately, you'll probably base that next step on how your child and the steady hit it off.

Ok, I haven't thought this far yet, but you have a point. I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't get along with my child.

I don't know how much time you have to spend with your child, and I'm not saying this because I do it right, but I think it is important that you have some time to spend apart from your child when you are not at work. I can probably add up all the waking hours I've spent away from my child when I wasn't at my job and it would come to a total of one full day. I would like to spend more time away, but I'm paranoid about leaving her with anyone I don't know, and I feel guilty asking family to take her except when I have no choice. I think it would be healthier for the two of us if we could have regular times apart.

I really don't have a lot of time with her. We get home any time between 5 and 6 pm, and by the time we've had dinner, its often near 7pm and bath time. The only thing I don't compromise on, is story time - at least 20min after she's had her bath, before she goes to bed. I try to make some time to play with her before bath time, but often story time is our only quality time together for the day.

I am also completely paranoid about leaving her with other people. I have a few friends I am willing to leave her with, but I don't want to impose on them too much. My only family is my brother, and he lives in another city 1.5 hours away, so that's not really an option...

I honestly feel that I don't spend enough time with her. Hence the guilt...

 

[mom2many]

We all feel guilt when it comes to the amount of time we give our kids. I am a SAHM but with 8 kids I still get spread thin, however I always try to find time for me. Sometimes it's an act of congress to get it but I <I>need</I> it, if I don't find it I will fizzle and burn. The same , I believe, is true for anyone. I have guilt at times but I do it for them...and for me of course. Believe it or not she will see the quality of time you spend together over the quantity of time. I have to get the hubby to see this cause he works 12 hour shifts with driving his days are 18 hours long, he is exhausted and always feels guilty for not spending more time with the kids. I am getting him to see just starting a fire at night and doing smores or snuggling and watching a movie is good enough for them. It's the small things they will always remember............

 

[IADad]

like everyone else said, there's no right or wrong answer, we do feel guilty because we can't do absolutely everything we want to for our kids. Just like you being a better dad by running, consider if you might be a better dad by having a special friend who may one day become a mate and perhaps a step mother to your DD, wouldn't that be a great gift for her. I know I'm jumping way ahead, and I'm not suggesting that's a goal or something you need to plan, but it's not something that'll happen if you don't meet and get to know someone, as you apparently are. Perhaps you can steer some of your social time to hours when she's asleep anyway...that might help in not detracting from your time with DD.

Go forward with moderation, but by all means go forward.

 

[Incogneato]

I wouldn't feel guilty over this. Honestly, I feel it's as important to have a motherly/woman figure in her life as it is for you to spend time with her. The best you can do is try to balance your time between them, so as not to make her feel neglected.

 

[singledad]

Thanks guys

I guess I just have to keep trying to find that balancing point...

 

[Xero]

Oh I forgot to mention, I'm so happy for you. I'm really glad to hear that you're dating. Best wishes to you guys, I hope you can find love and happiness relationship wise!

 

[Antoinette]

I sort of had this problem. but not as bad. when i was pregnant with Alegra i always took Felix to the park. like EVERY day and he loved it. when i had Alegra i stopped doing it and i felt insanely guilty so i bought a heavy duty Pram that could handle the grass and rocks and sand etc and started going to the park again.

on my first day at the park with them i met Tim he was walking his dog and i was watching Felix play, we started talking and hit it off etc but i was unsure about where i wanted to take it and i had a 3 week old baby etc. we started seeing each other at the park weekly and then he would come more frequently. eventually it was a daily thing but i still didn;t feel right about spending proper time with him at his/my house because of Felix and Alegra. Felix's dad had just left (so had Alegra's obviously but she was too young to know/miss him) so i didn't know how to introduce a man into their lives or how to juggle my two lives.

eventually i gave up and tim started coming over for coffee during the day or would come to the beach with us etc. just fun during the day things. he didn't stay at my house and i didn't stay at his house for about months. but i think that was a good thing because we REALLY got to know each other well and were quite sure in the relationship/friendship before it progressed and by then i was happy with having him in the lives of my children.

i guess my message is go for it. just take baby steps as of course your little girl always comes first.

 

[IADad]

Thanks guys

I guess I just have to keep trying to find that balancing point...

We all do SD...it's just with you there's no one to trade off with. For me, If I want or need to do something, I can think about how it affects balancing my time with the kids, but I don't have to feel as guilty if they are spending time with DW. So, I think all parents have the struggle to a degree, it's just compounded when you're a single parent.

 

[singledad]

Aww, thanks Xero , but don't get all excited, there's nothing even remotely resembling wedding bells yet :/

i guess my message is go for it. just take baby steps as of course your little girl always comes first.

Thanks Antoinette, and trust me - I am taking (tiny) baby steps, and I agree that my little girl definitely comes first.

 

[sbattisti]

It is a bit of a balance. One possibility, of course, is to plan some later evenings. If you have someone you can trust to watch her AFTER bedtime, then you can go out largely guilt-free. Of course, not all women will be open to regular 9:30 dates.

I'm in the dating world, and I almost NEVER introduce dates to my kids. They know I'm dating, but the last thing I want is for the kids to get attached to someone and have it not work out. That's the biggest reason for not introducing them. Kids form attachments much more quickly than grown-ups do, too. Obviously, you have to EVENTUALLY, but I wouldn't do that until at LEAST:

a) you're in an exclusive relationship
b) the relationship looks like it's heading towards serious stuff
c) the relationship is one that you feel would be positive around your child (for example, if you have a stormy, on-again, off-again relationship, then you really need to consider if that's good to have around your kid)

Good luck!

Steve

 

[NancyM]

I don't even know what I'd do in your shoes Singledad,
I hated dating even when I was a teenager and suppose to be doing it.

I can't even give good advice because if it was me, I probably wouldn't even date. I never liked leaving my son with a 'babysitter' other than one of my sisters or mom, so I'd have a problem for sure.

But Your entitled to enjoy your life as well, and have a friend to share your thoughts with, so I guess the answer is balance as you already figured out.

And I think we'll always find something to feel guilty about when it comes to our kids. So I don't think that will EVER stop. I suppose you have to start believing that you "deserve" some adult time, you need it.

Good luck hope it all works out well.

 

[Patrick]

Sometimes you just have to let the women in your life go. It might be fun, but when you return to your daily life and your schedule you realize that sometimes you have to make different prioritations. After I stopped going out, "dating" if you want, women, I suddenly had a lot more time for my wife and kids and I feel that I live a much happier life now.

 

[singledad]

Sometimes you just have to let the women in your life go. It might be fun, but when you return to your daily life and your schedule you realize that sometimes you have to make different prioritations. After I stopped going out, "dating" if you want, women, I suddenly had a lot more time for my wife and kids and I feel that I live a much happier life now.

LOL, what?

I guess, considering that you also consider adoption to be immoral, and believe that painting your house bright colours will cause you to loose weight, I'm inclined to call troll...

Ps: thanks sbattisti and Nancy - good advice, as always

 

[teenage_parent]

it's just me and my kid now. as you all know, the mother left her with me. she wanted to abort the baby then. i thought about it and the night i told her that i will take care of the kid and she doesn't have anything to do with it was also the night i accepted the fact that i will most likely not have any seroius relationship for several years because i will not have the time for it. i'm sure everyone here would agree with me that relationship needs time for it to work and it's something i won't be able to give. between working any taking care of my baby, there's just hardly any time left.

if i force it, i will only be unfair to the girl so i just accepted it. to this day, i haven't seen anyone. okay, i'm not, like pretending to be pure and angelic. i've had "spur of the moment" thing but those were really just moments.

i am guessing i won't be dating anyone for two to three more years. i dunno. i just can't stand missing out on anything. i don't want to come home and the babysitter telling me she took her first step and i wasn't there or that she said a certain word or that she did something... stuff. i just want to be there all the time.

so, goodluck to you. and let me know if you have tips.

 

[singledad]

I hear you about not wanting to miss out on anything, and about needing to invest time in a relationship. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably also be happy to sit back for a while. Me, though, I'm 39, and not getting any younger. In just over 2 months, my DD will be 5. Plus, I've been alone for almost two years, and the loneliness is starting to get old :/

Anyway, I'll keep you updated if I come across more tips

 

[shilo]

I agree, as much as we love our children and want the best for them we have to also remember that they will become adults too and then they will want to spend time with others their age. I firmly believe that as single parent we have to find a balance, we should not revolve our entire life around our kids. Having adult contact and time is equally important.