So frustrated...

[Binky]

Its been a while since my last post. Things hadnt been too bad.
Recently though, my SS is out of hand. He has become very
Selfish and disrespectful. He talks back and questions EVERTHING.
His mum told him to get ready for school and he flat out said no. This happened twice. I was in the car when he slams his way into his seat. I ask whats going on and he yells "shut up" i basically told him no one, especially an 11 yo talks to me like that. When he got in he tried to run away. We had a good thanksgiving with family but now back to normal, hes threatening to run again. The thing is, my wife and i are different in parenting ways. I say, open the door see how far he gets (i wouldnt let anything happen to him) she says no way. She basically disagrees with everything i say or do. He's making my life a misery right now and i feel i havd
no one to talk to. I will end up shouting and getting everyone upset. I just want to walk away. Its aweful to say, i love my wife n baby but my life is a misery right now and its all because of my ss. He tries to make everything his desision. Like tonight my wife said, lights out 10.30, he basically gave her a hard time as though it was 5:00pm bedtime. At 10:30 on the dot he says he wants a bath. He ends up going to bec near on 11 and the wife doesnt question the fact that he decided when its bedtime and it worked. When i point this stuff out im the bad guy. My wifes response to the car episode was that i am too negative. Not one thing about himmshouting at me. So what do i do cos im at thd end of my rope here.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I fell your pain. I have an 11 year old son who acts a lot like this. I am remarried, and have an almost 2 year old too. I know things can be very difficult for my husband and my son (and Me!) when we are trying to deal with the issues a blended family can have.

My oldest son's father is a 'difficult' person. He is pretty anti-social, and has a bad temper. A temper my son seems to have as well. My ex also does not like my husband. They don't really interact at all, but I can only imagine what is being said about him when my son is with his father. It has caused a lot of power struggle in our home.

I wish I had the answers for you! (because that would mean I would have them for myself) So I will just tell you a couple of things that really seem to help for us. The single most influential thing for us was that my son and husband spend alone time together. My son was reluctant to do it at first. But I made sure I was doing something with the little guy that was so boring, so awful (to an 11 year old) that he would reluctantly choose the lesser of evils and go with his stepdad After a couple of weeks, he really looked forward to it, and their relationship vastly improved. And so did the tension in the house. I know how hard it is to find time to do this, but it's important and I think you will see that it is very worth the effort!

Another thing is finding alone time with the wife. If you two can strengthen your relationship, you will feel more like a team. When you are on the same team, it makes working together and being understanding with one another a lot easier. Again, hard to find the time, but even if it is just a little bit of time that you can schedule every week for yourselves, it can help a lot.

With my oldest son, I also have had talks with him about his anger. Let him know that now that he is getting older it is so very important to control his temper because not only is he going to be held responsible by his parents, now he is getting into the territory of being held responsible by the law, and by people who are bigger than him. I gave him a few days to write down 3 ways he is going to try to get control of his temper. "Anger Management" techniques. I helped him by giving some suggestions, helped him look on the internet for some ideas, and then a few days later he provided me with a written list. I have that list where he can see it. Even if he doesn't READ it when he is angry, the sight of the list is a constant reminder of what he can do if he gets mad. He remembers what is on it because HE wrote it.

And lastly, positive reinforcement. If you can catch him doing ANYTHING good, make sure you tell him. The more you do it, the more you will have to do it! Your step son is going to naturally try and seek out that positive encouragement by doing better. You have to be vigilant about it. And at first it might be hard to find something to give him positive reinforcement about, but you will also change because you are going to be focusing on the good things instead of all of the bad things. So this one is a win win for you guys.

Hang tough! They are not all good days, but in time you will have more good than bad.

 

[Binky]

Thank you so much for your advice. My SS's dad is a lot like your situation too.
He is coming round a little recently though. Yesterday was another bad day that got better in the end. SS threatened to run away again, he also threatened to harm and kill himself, these were threats after my wife made him help her in the garden. My wife spoke with his dad and he completely backed us up. He said to call his bluff and take him to the emergency room. SS was a lot calmer after this, we even watch a family movie together. IMO his behavior is due to video gaming. His dad bought him a PS3 and an xbox 360. Both connect to the web where he spends hours on end playing and chatting with friends. He became angry before and misbehaved so we sent the game systems back to his dad for a few month. SS was awesome during this time. His dad returned them to us seeing his son turn his behavior round. We recently moved home and let him have the spare tv temporarily in his room. This was a BIG mistake. He would stay in his room and become reclusive. I caught him sneaking snacks in there. He would never eat meals. He made excuses that he doesn't like the foods we gave him. He would be very difficult in the mornings. I had told my wife on several occasions that the gaming is changing him. I really believe he is addicted similar to an alcoholic. The last straw for me was the morning he yelled at me. As soon as I got back in the house I removed the tv. This is when he became extremely difficult. To me he's in withdrawal. One of my hardest battles is working as a team with my wife. After I took his tv away all she wanted to talk about was how I am with him, not his behavior. This hurts me. I know I have room for improvement and am 100% willing to make this work for the sake of my own mentality if nothing else. I'm a little rough around the edges copmpared to my wife. I can't stand seeign anyone being disrespectful especially to their mothers. I have told him in the past that your mother is the most important person on the planet, you have to respect her and love her. My SS yesterday told my wife he wants me to tell him I love him. I do tell him this and show affection but maybe I ought to do it a little more. This was awesome to hear and I gave him some reassurance. We have just ordered 2 metal detectors so he and I will be spending alone time together on the beach searching for treasures . We are both very excited about this and are going to make a list of treasures to seek out. I think we have a good family here and with hard work can figure it out. I just need someone to talk to now and again, even if its just coming here and typing. This seems to have let off steam. But I sincerely thank you STJOHNJULIE for taking your time to help and advise. Take care

 

[ikon99]

Sounds like you have a Strong Willed Child, and you too may be strong willed. I have a 5 y/o who is the same way and I too am strong willed. The key is to let him think he is in charge. You will need to be very creative in order to get him to comply, also, you will need to be a little yealding as well.

 

[akmom]

I think you might be onto something, Binky. Videogaming can be addictive. I do believe this was the case for my younger brother. He would play for 12 hours a day. He would come home from school and play on the computer non-stop until the wee hours of the morning, when my parents forced him to go to bed. With only one computer, we'd sometimes snag it when he got up for a bathroom break, which caused him to go into a toddler-like tantrum unfitting for a normal adolescent. My parents had to forcibly remove him when one of us had homework that required a computer, because he couldn't bring himself to get off.

When his grades would plunge, my parents would ground him from the computer, and he'd go through a hellish period of rage, like a "withdrawal," if you will. But after a few weeks, he'd adapt to life without gaming, and be a pleasant kid with decent grades, even sociable. He'd talk to the family and spend time with friends. There was a consensus among the family that he needed to stop gaming altogether, and that is how it played out for months.

Then came Christmas time, and my mom didn't know what to get him. The only thing she could think of that he'd like was... a computer game. So she got it for him, despite all of us insisting it was a bad idea. She just said he had been so good for long and deserved it, totally blowing off the reality of how gaming impacts him. She's the kind of person that puts a LOT of emphasis on presents. I'm pretty sure she'd have given us crack-cocaine if that's what made us light up on Christmas Day. But of course, people are apt to be in denial about enabling when it's something like videogames. So she got it for him and he spiraled back into the gaming routine that I do feel was an addiction for him.

If your wife gives you grief about it, reiterate the positive things you are doing for him, and how you feel it is better for him than gaming.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Binky, there is a good chance you and I have the same kid!!! So you are not alone. My son acts and does almost everything you are describing. He goes in waves with the video games, but other than that, he's very much like your SS.

I'm glad that you thought of something the two of you can do together so quickly. That sounds like a lot of fun. Now the important part is to make sure you do it on a regular basis. My husband and son were going fishing every Sunday. If it was too rough, they would still go to the boat and do something. They got out of the routine after my son was away all summer, and haven't started it up again I notice the change in their relationship and my son's attitude in general and we need to find the time for them to start doing this again. It's difficult for us because I have to work a LOT of hours. So I NEED to figure out how we can get them doing this again.

Another note about the anger... I have explained this to my son about him and his dad fighting. I say that anger and fights are like a ladder. You say something mean, then the other person says something a little meaner, then you say something meaner than that and so on and so forth until things are totally out of control. If you don't 'top' the next person and keep your mouth shut it's like taking a rung out of the ladder. They might be able to get a step or two more, but if you don't give them the next rung by saying something, they will just stop and not be able to escalate the fight any more. When my son gets mad, I remember this for myself. He might say something mean, I might say something to correct him, but then I leave it alone. As long as I don't say anything else and he will calm down on his own and we can talk about it rationally. I always make sure that I say, "this is not up for discussion and we will talk when you are ready" (which he now knows is when he is calm).

Your SS may go days, weeks, or even months without a blow up. Which is great! But remember he is still going to have bad times and be ready to handle it without losing it yourself.

I would also say that your SS could probably benefit from a little counseling. It might be a great idea for a little family counseling. It couldn't hurt and most likely would do everyone a lot of good. Good luck!

 

[bssage]

yep I have noticed similar behavior from Cole. The longer he plays the games the more his attitude toward everyone else suffers. I have had some success showing him that this is happening. When he comes up and starts with the attitude. I explain he needs to "shift gears" to more family less game attitude.

We also move pretty swiftly when he starts with the disrespectful tone/ language/ volume. Since he already know the rules. First offence loses privileges I will not keep reminding him of the rule about being respectful. First to go is the game, next is the computer, then TV, Then phone. And the length of time is also clear 2 days, 4 days, week.

We had to do the escalating consequences because when he get into his turd mode. He will be Well you already took away the game and keep going.

We also have limits (which we have been slacking on lately) 2 hrs week days four hrs weekend days.

I know it sounds kinda strict. But during the calm moments we spend a lot of time explaining WHY it is necessary.

Also Cole likes to target shoot and ride his four wheeler. So one of the big talking points is that he can only participate in these "high responsibility' activities if we believe he can control himself. That when we say stop he know how important it is to stop. And that we can absolutely not allow him to participate in these things if we cant trust him to be in control of himself at all times. And we explain that if he ever wants to be able to drive a car. We have to be able to trust his judgment. That does not make us mean parents. It is something we have to do to be good parents.