My niece and her three children came to live me with recently. She has just moved back into the area and hasn't found work yet. I try to be respectful of her parenting. I do not interfere although sometimes I want to. She has been staying up all night playing video games and then sleeping most of the day. Her children are 10, 9 and 7. They have to make their own breakfast and lunch because she sleeps until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. The 7 year old recently got in trouble because she was hungry and got food out of the refrigerator to make her a sandwich. She accidentally dropped and broke a jar of jelly and spilled the milk all over the table. She tried to clean it up the mess but it was still evident of what had happened when I got home. My niece was yelling at the child and punished her by sending her to bed without any dinner. She must have seen my disapproval because she asked me if I thought she was out of line. I told her yes. If she is going to sleep all day and let the children fend for themselves then this is what is going to happen. She is lucky that they did not start a fire as there was a pan on the stove with soup in it and paper towels. I was told that since I didn't have children, I wouldn't know anything of how to raise a child. That was two weeks ago and she has not spoken to me since. Am I in the wrong? I have been making the children breakfast and lunch ever since and putting it in the refrigerator so all they have to do if serve themselves. Will except any advise I can get. Thank you in advance.
Some advise please......
- Thread starter Ginger Ann
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Hello Ginger Ann,
It seems you are witnessing some pretty sad things, yet there isn't much you can, I think. I have been giving parenting workshop for a while, and the bottom line is: you can't force any parent to attend. It is up to them to decide if they want to hear what you have to say about this.
Unless she is doing something illegal, there isn't much you can do, and even then, you would have to weight if that would actually help the children or not.
More important, we should never prevent a child from eating as a punishment. Eating is a fundamental need, and no learning can happen in a child's brain when they are not fed properly; in addition it might cause all sort of problems, eating disorders, anxiety, etc.
But it helps to show <I>concerns</I> for a parent out of line, rather than <I>blame</I>.
It's really delicate to comment on someone else's parenting.
There is not much you can do, except perhaps you could offer her, at your expense, a parenting workshop? They aren't all good, but if you are in Canada, there are lists of various courses and places who offer them that I could send you. Would she take it if you'd offer it to her and babysit while she goes?
I am curious to see how other parents handled similar situations, perhaps with friends and relative around them, when they see "bad" parenting or doubtful parental behavior. How do you tell them so that they stay open to hear it?
Be well,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator
It seems you are witnessing some pretty sad things, yet there isn't much you can, I think. I have been giving parenting workshop for a while, and the bottom line is: you can't force any parent to attend. It is up to them to decide if they want to hear what you have to say about this.
Unless she is doing something illegal, there isn't much you can do, and even then, you would have to weight if that would actually help the children or not.
I can understand when this is happening once in a while. I also think it's not a bad thing to help children become autonomous - as long as you are around to help them acquire these skills and make sure that nothing dangerous happens. Legally, you are not allowed to leave children alone without parental supervision before they are 12 years old in Canada, but it's less clear when you are sleeping but in the house.Ginger Ann said:
This is nasty. Not only because she wasn't around to help them with breakfast in the first place, but also because it is an <I>accident</I>. Accident happens; in fact, without mistakes we couldn't learn. To be punished for an accident will hinder that little girl's development because she will refrain from trying things (in the fear of being punished) and this will slow her developing these much needed skills.
More important, we should never prevent a child from eating as a punishment. Eating is a fundamental need, and no learning can happen in a child's brain when they are not fed properly; in addition it might cause all sort of problems, eating disorders, anxiety, etc.
Big time.
But it helps to show <I>concerns</I> for a parent out of line, rather than <I>blame</I>.
It's really delicate to comment on someone else's parenting.
Every human being has been a child before being an adult. We are all entitled to have an opinion - whether an educated one or not - about parenting. It takes a village to raise a child.
There is not much you can do, except perhaps you could offer her, at your expense, a parenting workshop? They aren't all good, but if you are in Canada, there are lists of various courses and places who offer them that I could send you. Would she take it if you'd offer it to her and babysit while she goes?
I am curious to see how other parents handled similar situations, perhaps with friends and relative around them, when they see "bad" parenting or doubtful parental behavior. How do you tell them so that they stay open to hear it?
Be well,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator
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Hi Ginger Ann
I'm Nancy and have a 19 yr old son.
It's so hard to watch someone else parent their children, especially when they aren't good at it and you also have to watch their children suffer.
I think it's especially kind of you to prepare the breakfasts and lunch for the kids, they must be so happy to see the food there. And I'm sure they will always remember how auntie made sure they had food ready to eat.
I don't know your neice's past history as a person or mother, but it seems to me that she is selfish and not taking good care of her children, I agree with you. I would have said something to her way sooner if it were me, she is in your home after all so it's not like you can pretend these things aren't happening.
I wonder what she plans to do with the kids once she does find a job. School will cover most of the hours she works but what about the rest of the time. ?
It's true you can not make people be better parents, but I also believe when it comes to children it's ok for us to sometimes intervene when we think something is hurting them, or even if we see a parent mistreating them. Of course the parent isn't going to like it, but in your case you can't help but see what's happening.
IMO it was mean and unfair for the mom to not feed that child, and that alone would have set me off to no end.
As long as they live with you, I think you have a right to butt in once in a while. Your family, your not interfering with a stranger's child rearing.
JMO
I'm Nancy and have a 19 yr old son.
It's so hard to watch someone else parent their children, especially when they aren't good at it and you also have to watch their children suffer.
I think it's especially kind of you to prepare the breakfasts and lunch for the kids, they must be so happy to see the food there. And I'm sure they will always remember how auntie made sure they had food ready to eat.
I don't know your neice's past history as a person or mother, but it seems to me that she is selfish and not taking good care of her children, I agree with you. I would have said something to her way sooner if it were me, she is in your home after all so it's not like you can pretend these things aren't happening.
I wonder what she plans to do with the kids once she does find a job. School will cover most of the hours she works but what about the rest of the time. ?
It's true you can not make people be better parents, but I also believe when it comes to children it's ok for us to sometimes intervene when we think something is hurting them, or even if we see a parent mistreating them. Of course the parent isn't going to like it, but in your case you can't help but see what's happening.
IMO it was mean and unfair for the mom to not feed that child, and that alone would have set me off to no end.
As long as they live with you, I think you have a right to butt in once in a while. Your family, your not interfering with a stranger's child rearing.
JMO
The only thing you did wrong here, hun, was not being more direct and forceful with the mom!
The issue isn't that you lack the experience b/c you're not a parent yourself (a very clever distraction, btw), but rather her incompetence as an adult. What she needs to do isn't rocket science...feeding kids and supervising them is pretty basic, and she knows that...These kids are at risk and her response to you represents defensiveness, not some reasonable boundary setting with you. Don't get distracted.
When it comes to child safety, I'm one for exercising maximum leverage, so frankly Id go over there and very calmly discuss with her what your concerns are....be apologetic even for not being able to communicate that effectively to her the first go around...and let her know that you want to work with her in some fashion to help her provide the basic structure these youngsters need to be safe and happy...and if she refuses, call the local authorities.
The issue isn't that you lack the experience b/c you're not a parent yourself (a very clever distraction, btw), but rather her incompetence as an adult. What she needs to do isn't rocket science...feeding kids and supervising them is pretty basic, and she knows that...These kids are at risk and her response to you represents defensiveness, not some reasonable boundary setting with you. Don't get distracted.
When it comes to child safety, I'm one for exercising maximum leverage, so frankly Id go over there and very calmly discuss with her what your concerns are....be apologetic even for not being able to communicate that effectively to her the first go around...and let her know that you want to work with her in some fashion to help her provide the basic structure these youngsters need to be safe and happy...and if she refuses, call the local authorities.
Thank you so much dear ladies for all your advise and kind words. I do love those children and cannot stand to see them treated with neglect. My niece's background was of an only child and only grandchild. To say she was spoiled is an understatement. The ice has thawed a little and we are going to have a nice long talk tomorrow. The children are spending a weekend with their grandparents so that leaves us free for a little discussion without little ears around. We will see what tomorrow brings. Thank you all for your advise. Glad to know I was not out of line. Their safety and well-being are what is important and the upmost on my mind. Will let you know how it goes.
You are in a difficult situation here. As others have stated, you are treading
on thin ice when making comments about anther's parenting style. that is one
area we are all touchy about - with the exception of when we are seeking help
or advise.
An old saying I recall is "a person convinced against their will, is of the same
mind still."
But the more telling aspect of your predicament is their status as 'guests' in
your home. Anyone living under your room can reasonably be expected to live
within the framework of what is comfortable for you. Without being pushy, you
have the right to establish reasonable limits & rules.
What you describe nearly amounts to absentee parenting, something that many
grandparents are saddled with. When the parent is present but absent in the
sense of responsibility the 'chore' falls to the next available mature adult. This
creates some unbearable home climates, and can wind up being really unhealthy for everyone.
You must temper your responses with compassion but still follow your own feelings of right and wrong.
on thin ice when making comments about anther's parenting style. that is one
area we are all touchy about - with the exception of when we are seeking help
or advise.
An old saying I recall is "a person convinced against their will, is of the same
mind still."
But the more telling aspect of your predicament is their status as 'guests' in
your home. Anyone living under your room can reasonably be expected to live
within the framework of what is comfortable for you. Without being pushy, you
have the right to establish reasonable limits & rules.
What you describe nearly amounts to absentee parenting, something that many
grandparents are saddled with. When the parent is present but absent in the
sense of responsibility the 'chore' falls to the next available mature adult. This
creates some unbearable home climates, and can wind up being really unhealthy for everyone.
You must temper your responses with compassion but still follow your own feelings of right and wrong.
Hi
What I find interesting is that everyone is missing the fact that this lazy neice has brought her 3 children to live in your home and is neglecting them! You are making their breakfast! For goodness sake - what a lovely person you are but if you need to make some rules for YOUR house. Why on earth is she not working?
I hate to be harsh but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Help the kids but set down some clear rules for her living with you. It sounds like she needs to be told.
Just my opinion...
What I find interesting is that everyone is missing the fact that this lazy neice has brought her 3 children to live in your home and is neglecting them! You are making their breakfast! For goodness sake - what a lovely person you are but if you need to make some rules for YOUR house. Why on earth is she not working?
I hate to be harsh but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Help the kids but set down some clear rules for her living with you. It sounds like she needs to be told.
Just my opinion...
Hi Ginger Ann, I'm curious to see how this all went? And I really wonder how the kids made it this far safely!Ginger Ann said:
I know I would have said something right away, as I've been in a similar predicament with my nephew. It is a hard one, for sure. I recently had a chat with a friend who told me that she had a sister that got involved with this guy who she knew was cheating. She told her sister, and they didn't talk for 6 years! So I don't know.. as now my brother is mad at me, and now we don't get to see my nephew..
How in the world is she going to get a job if she sleeps in till 2 or 3? Definitely wrong for her to punish her daughter for the fridge incident.
Your whatever your rules. You have to tell them the rules and your sister has to get legal work.
I would just make lunche packs for the kids. Or force the mother to do this over the weekend. Cook everything and then put it tupperware cases. Tell the kids to take one for lunch, breakfast, and dinner.
However they will need to use the microwave, because hotmeals are important.
Otherwise be the worlds biggest poo-head, and kick your sister out and call social service and become hatefilled enemy number one to children who has a 1 in 0 chance of making it, threw the goverments orpahanage system.
I would just make lunche packs for the kids. Or force the mother to do this over the weekend. Cook everything and then put it tupperware cases. Tell the kids to take one for lunch, breakfast, and dinner.
However they will need to use the microwave, because hotmeals are important.
Otherwise be the worlds biggest poo-head, and kick your sister out and call social service and become hatefilled enemy number one to children who has a 1 in 0 chance of making it, threw the goverments orpahanage system.