spending the night...

[chikygrl13]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now.
He has 100% custody of his (almost) 14 year old daughter. (mom is totally out of the picture).

Now we're talking about the possibility of my moving in with them. Especially if I get a job out in his area. (he lives 45 min away from me, I make the drive out to his house several times a week).

The problem is, is that he won't let me sleep in his bed if his daughter is home. I have spent the night on many occasions, but if she's home I have to sleep on the couch. (which really is a pain in the neck).

His daughter has shown no interest in sex or dating. And I think it's nieive to think that she doesn't know that we're having sex. We are not blatent about displaying our affection in front of her, but we don't hide it either.

He thinks that she's going to freak out if she wakes up to find me in her Dad's room. He also seems to think that this is somehow going to give her permission to start having sex herself.

Like I said before we've talked about me moving in. Which is something I DESPERATLY want. I love him, I love her. THEY are my family (I don't have kids of my own) I think that my spending the night there would help his daughter get used to the idea of me living there...
He thinks that when I move in I should live in thier spare bedroom until she gets use to the idea...

thoughts?
concerns?
ideas?

 

[stjohnjulie]

It's hard to say how she will handle it since we don't know her, but I would think that most 14 year olds know what is up, especially after two years. Seems to me, the best person to ask about it would be the daughter. Could you try and encourage her dad to ask her how she would feel about you moving in? Then at least you would know what you are dealing with.

I understand that parents want to set a good example for their kids, and I commend him for being concerned about how he is acting in front of his daughter. But I also feel that after two years of dating that you have shown that you two are in a committed relationship and this is not just a casual sex, one night stand kind of situation.

Personally, I would feel really weird moving in and living in the spare bedroom. I mean, she must know that the two of you have sex, and if you are made to stay in the spare room, it kind of gives the message that you are doing something bad and you have to hide it. Know what I mean??? I never really understood why there is so much shame when it comes to sex in a monogamous relationship. All the secrecy would almost give her the impression that sex is bad and something she should feel ashamed about....not exactly the most healthy way to go about it.

 

[sbattisti]

I agree with the above posts. Honestly, I don't see the big difference between you sleeping on the couch and in the bedroom.

Personally, my suggestion would be to just ask her. (More specifically, it would be good for HIM to ask her, in a situation where she's likely to be honest.)

I do think it's important to try to make her comfortable with the moving in thing, BUT I also don't think he should kowtow to her. A 14-year old is likely to resist ANY change, and you can't put your life entirely on hold in order to shield your child from all change. I think it's important to phrase it not as a request ("Do you mind if Betty moves in with us/sleeps in my bed?"), but rather as an explanation ("This is what we see happening. How can we help make you comfortable with this transition?")

Just my 2 cents...

~s

 

[crackerbuzz]

Hi,

I think that the girl needs to be sat down and Dad to simply say what he would like to happen and ask her how she feels about it. If she is ok, you can move from there, if not ask her for her input on how her Dad can best move on and enjoy a relationship with you. Communication is the key...

 

[IADad]

I'm remembering that you've had "issues" with this young lady. I think some exploration about how she feels (not necessarily asking her "permission" ) would be in order. I no expert in stp parenting or anything, but I think it's important for her to not feel like you're being imposed on her world or tht her feelings are considered or important. More than anything, if she feels pushed aside or not considered, that seems more likely to drive her into the warm arms of a "loving" and lusting young man than anything...KWIM? Can't you just hear "Justin's the only one who cares about me" or "he understands me..." ?

 

[superman]

i agree with u in that it is neive and its not really fair 2 u. u r steadily dating for 2 years.....i could see if u were just starting out and his daughter doesnt know u well but i mean if u guys are preparing for u to move in....i think its ok. he shoudl talk to her about it instead of assuming how she feels bout everythin.

 

[chikygrl13]

I went with them on Friday to his daughter's therapy appointment. (this is not unusual) and when it was just me and my boyfriend and the therapist (Before his daughter came in) I brought up the idea of me sleeping in his bed. The therapist said that when I move in, sleeping in the back bedroom would confuse his daughter. And my spending the night on the weekends would probably help her get used to the idea of me moving in. It would also help her realize that her parents are not going to get back together (this is not an issue really, but it's been my experiance that it kinda hangs in the back of many kids minds when their parents breakup. It's been 7 years since her mom left though). The therapist also thinks that it would be a good example of how ADULT relationships progress and what is acceptable. She is almost 14 (next month). She's going to start dating in the next couple of years (probably) and it would be good for her to see a GOOD, FUNCTIONING relationship. What relationships are SUPPOSED to be. Not the dysfunctional, dramatic, TRAUMATIC relationship that her parents had.

We're going to talk to his daughter about this topic more at the next session, I think (barring some catastrophe)
So I see forward progression!!

 

[stjohnjulie]

Great news! How did your boyfriend take it all in?

I thought I took things kind of slow with my now husband. I wouldn't let him meet my son until we had been dating 6 months and I was SURE that our relationship was a keeper. We married after two and a half years and my son pretty much didn't even notice Although, he was much younger. I guess when they don't know about the birds and the bees it tends to be a little easier. Just the other day it came up that a lot of adults don't wear PJ's to bed and he did the fake puking sounds like only a 9 year old boy can.

 

[chikygrl13]

He was okay with it. He's still not comfortable with the idea, but he's opening up to it. I get his trepidation. I respect it, I understand that he is trying to do right by her. But I also know that he is being nieve. She knows we're having sex. And while I don't think she's HEARD us, (and certainly hasn't seen anything) she's not completly oblivious to the things that go on in the house.

This week we would have discussed it more, if her behavior, her grades, and the incessant LYING about it wasn't the primary issue.

I think he's big issue, is how is she going to react. Is she going to do anything? Is her behavior going to get worse than it already is? She's not a bad kid, she has a mouth on her and a BIG sense of entitlement, and the "world revolves around me-ism" His question is, is my sleeping in his bed going to cause her to start smoking, drinking, doing drugs, having sex? Probably not, and the therapist didn't think so either!!

So we will see what happens in two weeks when we go back, and we discuss this further. He also knows that I have needs, and that this is one of them. This is a BIG need. Not sex, but a sense of the relationship "going somewhere". I need to know that I'm not "wasting my time". Which I don't think I am. But I want to get married, I want to have a child of my own. I'm 33, I'm running out of time.

 

[loveydoveybabyk]

have a "family meeting" see if she would be comfortable having you and her dad staying in the same room. then worry about the sex talk. it would be better ocming from you but akward if you brought it up before living there in the same room.