Step-Dad in need of advice...

[Innkeeper]

<r><COLOR color="black"><s></s> I have been in my step-son life for 10 years. He is now 18 years old and my wife and I are at an impasse on how to handle the next phase of his life. My step-son is very creative and bright young man, but as all 18-19 year olds lack motivation. He does have a job at a local arcade make min wage. Well time came to enroll for college and he didn’t enroll, but kept telling us he was going to handle it. Well, here we are 2 weeks from the start of school and he told us that other night that he wants to work for a year and then move to LA to be model (never modeled before in his life). Needless to say we were a bit shocked, chances are in a year from now he will have changed his mind, but that’s another story.<e></e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="black"><s></s> I am a bit of an old school thinker, I mean I still do hand written thank you (a lost art in this day and age). My thought is that if he is in school he can stay here as long as he wishes, rent free. If he does not go to school then, he either needs to move out and get on with life or pay us minimal rent a, work hard, and enroll next semester. My wife feels a tad differently. She feel that he should be able to stay here as long as he wishes, rent free, just pay for his own car insurance (which we were paying $50.00 of) and make him pay for his cell phone. I am really fine with that because that is like paying rent anyway. My issue is what is that teaching him? Since we all know nothing is easy in life, what message is that telling him? I truly believe that he will not enroll in college next year and we will be in this same boat next year.<e></e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="black"><s></s> He is a great kid, but he has already crashed his car twice in 20 months. He dresses so sloppy, baggy pants, no show laces, messy hair; no one will hire him for an extra job<e></e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="black"><s></s>I guess I just don’t know what to do? Like I said, great kid, dresses like he hasn’t done laundry in a year, rolls in to the house around 2am 3-4 nights week, believes everything is going to be given to him. His uncle gave him 20k for college in which he already bought a new Macbook (2k) and now wants a 15k car. Yet, he doesn’t do drugs nor drink, he is what kids today call straight edge.<e></e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="black"><s></s> <e></e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="black"><s></s>Just need some direction, <e></e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="black"><s></s>Thanks for your time and reading this<e></e></COLOR></r>

 

[Xero]

Well... I know a lot of kids that took a year off of school to work and have a little free time, and then went back the next year. I know it may seem disappointing to you, but I'm not sure if its really as big of a deal as you think it is. If you think about it, you start school at 5yrs old (earlier if parents chose pre-school) and the system owns your life for 7 hours a day every day until you graduate. School consumes the life of every child! A lot of people graduate from high school and go right on to college. That's perfect! Get it done and over with. Some kids just long for a break. To just live for a while. I'm not saying its the best decision or that I agree with it, all I'm saying is that I don't blame them. And even after they go back to school, the minute they get out they will be working for the rest of their lives. Its a never ending circle! Thinking about it like that, I don't think I would have any problem with letting my son relax for one year.

Otherwise, he really sounds like a pretty good kid. As for the car, I would be sending him to driving lessons as a punishment for the crashes because that is unacceptable and thoughtless. If he refused to go, the keys would be mine. And so on.

As for what you mentioned about paying minimal rent, or paying more of his bills for staying there without going to school. My opinion on that is that it sounds fair enough to me. I would say you could do it either way you feel comfortable (charging him or not charging him) but if you charge him rent, I would hope that you could give him the freedom of any other adult that pays rent. My landlord doesn't tell me when to be home at night. You know?

As for the way he dresses and that, I'd say don't worry about it, he'll figure himself out. Everybody does.

Also, if it's very important to you that he goes to school next year and doesn't trick you into thinking that he is until its too late, then make sure you're keeping up with his paperwork. Tell him that you WILL kick him out if he doesn't provide absolute proof that he has applied for college (or whatever it is that he's going to do), tested, whatever he has to do WAY before the due dates related to each thing. Make calls and whatnot if you have to, its definitely not that hard to find out what he has to do and make him do it. You have reason not to believe him, after all. Don't take any crap on that matter.

To be perfectly honest though - he sounds like a good kid compared to a lot of the ones his age that I know. Don't forget to appreciate that!! And good luck.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

His uncle gave him 20k for college in which he already bought a new Macbook (2k) and now wants a 15k car.

I find this part very alarming. I'd say somebody else should be in charge of that money before he wastes it.
as for year off, trying to work, isn't such a bad idea. maybe after he does some hard manual work, he'd be more motivated to go to school. however, that modeling thing -- sounds ridiculous and suspicious.
I've heard/read many sad stories of "aspiring young models" where their main task was to be a sex toy for some dirty old men.

 

[Jeremy+3]

I agree with Xero, he sounds like a sound guy.

Not everyone wants to go to uni either, pressuring him wont do any good, you'll just make each other angry.

 

[Innkeeper]

I agree with Xero, he sounds like a sound guy.

Not everyone wants to go to uni either, pressuring him wont do any good, you'll just make each other angry.

True, not everyone wants to go attend higher education, but they should to have any legit chance at a decent jobs in the coming years

 

[Innkeeper]

Thanks for the advice, it is really tough. Here is a example of what I have been going thru
In May his car insurance went up because of his 2nd wreck in 24 months.
He decided it would be better and cheaper to go on his own thru another company. Well when calling he found out that he needed $200.00 up front, he wanted to borrow the money and then pay me back. Instead I told him I will keep him on our insurance, I will pay the difference and he can save the $200 and switch over next month. Well, June comes and he never saved the money......The same with July and here it is August and he won’t have the money saved by the 15th of this month either. He did rack up a nice $150.00 cell bill last month................

I guess I’m just looking for some constructive advice on how to teach him responsibility. To show him that life in the real world not everything is paid for you and that saving money is part of life and growing up.

 

[Xero]

Get all of that in his own name. So if he doesn't pay it, they turn off his phone. They take away his car insurance and put him in collections. He'll have to learn. My mom NEVER paid my cell bill or my car insurance. EVER. I couldn't have those things until I could pay for them myself. But, I probably wont make my kids do that unless they have issues with it (like what you describe). I just thought it might be nice for you to hear that you don't HAVE to pay your kids bills. Especially at that age.

Also one piece of advice, get him unlimited everything for his phone. Its WAY cheaper than paying for all the overage.

 

[IADad]

I've read your post and the replies and I think you are on the right track being concerned, but as you and others have pointed out, he's a good kid. So, why does whatever directionn have to be drastic. Okay, so he doesn't want to go to college yet, so, figure out what he needs to do if he wants to stay under your roof. Not an ultimatum sort of thing, just a contract, this is what you're willing to do, if he does this and this...(and I think you could and should expect more than your wife does)

If he wants to move to LA, then it's serious talk time, and again, if you are going to subsidize that move, set forth up front, how much, and what are the expectations.

I;m thinking you don't need to coddle him, but you can help him make a transition in a respectful way. Maybe setting down and mapping out a plan, witha sample budget, and how much is his responsibility and how much is his, then talking about the various ways he can meet his responsibilities if modelling doesn't pan out. You know Harrison Ford was a carpenter...

 

[Xero]

A sexy carpenter.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

he's a good kid, but seems kinda spoiled kid. if he doesn't want college now -- ok. but his cellphone bill he should pay himself. gosh... myself i'm still using a top-up card. the same with the car.

 

[Jayce]

Your son sounds much like I was when I was his age. Good kid...head in the clouds.

At this age, there is little "talking" that will do much good. He needs to experience it himself. If he can be allowed to make the mistakes he is making now under you & your wifes boundaries and care, he will not only learn from them, but suffer less for it. In light of that, I would humbly suggest the following:

<LIST type="decimal">

1. 
   <LI>
2. He must Contribute: If not actively attending school at his age, he must work to earn is keep. Give him some flexibility sure, but bottom line is he needs to meaningfully contribute to the house. This of-course includes the cost of his cell and car insurance. He agrees, or you ask him to find his own pad. Some teens will call your bluff and move out, but almost always come back soon. Free food and cheap rent will sober almost anyone up right quick.</LI>
   <LI>
3. Volunteer/Serve: Like so many teens at this stage have lost perspective. They have no reason to care about anything more than themsleves. Is it in anyway possible he can be encouraged to try out things like this: Katimavik - Canada's youth volunteer-service program A lot of teens love this stuff and get excited about, because it all done by other teens for other teens. I have seen this have an effect first hand! It is what is largely missing when we talk about how to motivate teenagers. JMHO though </LI>
   <LI>
4. He is Not Mature Enough to Handle His Own Money: You need to supervise that money for him, he will not be able to set his own boundaries and it will be gone. He can earn the right to manage it himself by first demonstarting that he can pay the current bills he has on a regular basis.</LI>
   <LI>
5. Value Him: Forgive me for what might sound a bit fluffy, but some kids feel like they will only be valued by there parents when they do what we want them to do, rather than having intrinsic value in and of themselves. This may or may not be the case for your boy, but something to think about.</LI>

</LIST>
My own kids are not teens yet, but I worked with many adolesents who were far worse off than your boy and in many cases this help them significantly.

Best of luck to you &amp; your son!


Jayce

 

[Xero]

Great advice Jayce! I agree completely. Be careful with linking, but I'll leave those alone because they seem pretty harmless.

+892 lol

 

[AmyBelle]

You say he lacks motivation but has a job? Yay he has a job, its an achievment for most teens within itself.

Personally, id let him take a year off, not everyone knows what they want to do with the rest of their life at 18, and im sure most parents would prefer a year of thought and experience in the world to him going into tertiary education, changing majors every year and staying in that place for 6, 7 years and coming out with nothing, that happens to way too many people. (I did that in uni, I felt the whole 'must be successful' pressure and started out in nutrition, then moved to dentistry, then moved to visual arts, then moveed to music, then wound up in nursing, everything bar the nursing was a HUGE waste of time and money) and honestly I think encouraging him to take a yeaar off to work will be better than getting him into college if he dosent know what he wants to do.

Im with Jayce. He needs to contribute, he needs to pay his own bills, however try to make this year one of experiences for him, that will help shape the ideas of what he wants to do with his future.

Also, the way he dresses, baggy pants, no shoelaces, its the fashion now, its nothing to be concearned about.

 

[Corgi]

You say he lacks motivation but has a job? Yay he has a job, its an achievment for most teens within itself.

Personally, id let him take a year off, not everyone knows what they want to do with the rest of their life at 18, and im sure most parents would prefer a year of thought and experience in the world to him going into tertiary education, changing majors every year and staying in that place for 6, 7 years and coming out with nothing, that happens to way too many people. (I did that in uni, I felt the whole 'must be successful' pressure and started out in nutrition, then moved to dentistry, then moved to visual arts, then moveed to music, then wound up in nursing, everything bar the nursing was a HUGE waste of time and money) and honestly I think encouraging him to take a yeaar off to work will be better than getting him into college if he dosent know what he wants to do.

Im with Jayce. He needs to contribute, he needs to pay his own bills, however try to make this year one of experiences for him, that will help shape the ideas of what he wants to do with his future.

Also, the way he dresses, baggy pants, no shoelaces, its the fashion now, its nothing to be concearned about.

I completely agree that he should go to college only when he really knows what he wants to do with his life (afterall, college fees can be a killer), but most spend that year off doing nothing productive. I'm 18 and I'm seeing it everywhere.

I'd definitely have him realize that even if he is still cared for, he is very close to the age when he'll be out on his own. You need to give him some extra responsibilities.

I have some tough parents (not ridiculously tough, but tough enough to open my eyes early on in life) haha, but honestly, I feel much more prepared with life than my friends do, and I'm thankful for it, even if it was painful at times.

Think long term is all I have to say.