Stepchild with potential emotional issues...

[mommybree]

OK, before I get into the actual issue, you're gonna need a bit of background info. Mine and my husbands daughter, who is 4, was born in December of 06. In March of 07 we separated for four months. During this time he was with another woman and she ended up pregnant. We got back together, and I told my husband I would support him having another child. My stepdaughter is a wonderful child for the most part. We gained custody of her about 6 months ago after finding that the mother was with a sex offender. Upon spending more than just weekends with her, I, as the primary caretaker, started noticing serious behavior issues. If you told her no candy until after dinner she would scream bloody murder, I'm talking terrible, sound barrier breaking screaming. Constantly telling us no, throwing food all over the place, biting her own fingers to get attention, despite the fact that none of my children, step or otherwise, have ever wanted for attention. What really concerned me though, was when I saw her get upset over something and shove her fingers down her throat to force herself to vomit. Now, I got her behavior issues mostly corrected after about 2 months, and she was seeing her biological mother less and less because the sex offender boyfriend was jealous of my stepdaughter and limited her time with her mother by constantly calling when they were together. Let me state that the bio mom had supervised visitation to the child and there's a no contact order in place for the boyfriend. The boyfriend has since gone to jail and bio mom is able to spend more time with my stepdaughter. Since she's been able to spend more time with her, I have noticed these behaviors returning in my stepdaughter. Now, I was able to fix this without her mother being in the picture, how am I supposed to do this with her being there, without flat out telling my stepdaughter that her mother is wrong in the way she raises her? She gives in to her every demand, doesn't discipline, and finds her misbehavior funny and cute. If the child refuses to eat her mother says, ok, have a chocolate bar instead, it will fill your tummy and you like it. I find this to be ridiculous and seriously unhealthy. The child has absolutely no idea how to properly express her feelings. We we got custody she didn't even know how to use a fork, and you should have seen the diaper rash, it was a whole bunch of open, bleeding sores and some were infected. It was terrible. Bio mom is neglectful is every way, and I have no idea what to do. I firmly believe that she is a detriment to this childs physical, emotional, and mental well being.

 

[sweettartsarah]

Although it is hard to raise a child without consistency across enviornments, it is possible. I have been involved in my step kids lives for many years, and as they got older they knew the rules were different at my house. Once they figured that out, there was less limit testing. They still acted however they could get away with it in other enc=viornments, but with me they followed my rules. I think that rather than pass judgement on the Bio Mom, you should simply state the rules for your home as universals. Example: In this house, we eat what we are given. Or, In this family, we use our words to express ourselves, not throwing food. That way you are telling the child that everyone is expected to follow the same rules, not 'picking' on her. Godd luck!

 

[alter ego]

I would focus on emotion coaching, encourage her to name her feelings (ie "I can see you are cross because its time to put the toys away, but we have to tidy up now)
And to me the food throwing/tantrums is pretty normal behaviour at that age. Until they learn better ways to express themselves, kids tend to be physical.
It just takes LOTS of reminders and positive speak (instead of 'dont hit' try 'gentle touching please')
I wouldnt ever mention that her mother was wrong, but just reaffirm that "in our house we eat nicely/play gently/help to tidy up"

 

[rocknrollmommy]

I agree with alter ego, encourage her to say how she feels. It's going to take a lot of patience. I don't like saying "in our house" or "in this family" I would just call it "house rules"

 

[Huffy]

My wife and I get this from both sides. My daughter is with her mother most of the time and I get visitation. Her children are with us most of the time but go to their dad's house for visitation. My daughter is the closest in age to yours - she is 3 1/2. Luckily her mom does a good job but there are always going to be things that we just dont agree on and work through in different ways. My daughter has adapted well to the different houses but our case is not as severe as yours.

I think the main part is being consistent in your home and your family, no matter what is going on outside of it. My wife's ex is not a very good person in general and his parenting skills leave much to be desired. My step-son who is 11 has the hardest time of all the kids. He has a hard time going back and forth and realizing the 2 homes are completely separate. For the longest time I would get angry (not at my stepson) when he would come home and tell us what happened and how they were left alone, etc. I finally realized that keeping things consistent in our home was the best thing for him and that trying to "battle" the other parents just wasnt going to work. My wife and I were going crazy trying and it was doing no good.

Now, for us, its all about the system we do things. All 3 kids know what to expect. They know how dinner works. They know how we play (as a family without moods and anger). They know their chores and expectations in the house. They also know - and I think this is the biggest one - that our house will always be consistent and stable and we will always be there.

The other thing my wife and I decided was that we would never argue, fight, disagree, anything like that in front of the kids. Do we? Of course, but we keep it from them. We like to show them a strong team. This also reiterates that my wife can tell my daughter "no" and she will get the same answer from me and also that my step-children will get the same answer from either their mom or myself. I hope your husband is there as a supporting figure.

Good luck.