Stupid, Small Minded Ex boyfriend...

[Antoinette]

okay... this is a question but first it will be a bit of a vent because i am soooo annoyed and need to vent!!!

okay so my Ex Boyfriend David is the father of my Son Felix and my unborn Daughter Alegra.. he left me right at the beginning of February which is over a month ago, claiming he wants nothing to do with me or my children (his children) he said it was too much for him to deal with and he never signed up for this etc. etc. etc. his reason's are not important. he is a dick.... i had always thought though that if he cooled down and changed his mind i would let him back into there lives, no questions asked because every kid should have the chance at a dad if at all possible.. anyway that was my vent.. here is my problem

My Brother Michael is gay, he is in a long term relationship with a loverly man called Spencer they are great together, both have jobs and stable lives and are in every way model citizens.. the other day i had a TAFE night class and Felix was just being destructive at home and was crying and just in a terrible mood and he hadn't slept so was impossible to calm so i didn't want to take him to my night class in that state and no one was available to look after him for me on a friday night so i called Michael and he said that him and Spencer were just having a quiet night at home and would love to look after Felix for 2 hours for my class i was so grateful and i took him over there and went to my night class.. it all went great after class i went to pick him up and he was asleep which was amazing because that doesn't happen easily so i went and slept on the couch because i didn't want to move him and wake him.. that was all fine but Michael's friend Jordan is friends with my Ex David (he is how we met) and Jordan said something to David about how amazing Michael and Spencer are with Kids because of how quickly they settled Felix.. David was furious that i would leave my son un supervised in the house of gay men and has now banned me (only verbally, not in court or anything) from leaving him there EVER and i am the worst mother in the world, so uncaring for my children how could i be so stupid Etc. when i asked if he would take him in these circumstances i got a very blunt NO he is out of my life now...

this is un reasonable yes?? and i just shouldn't listen to him right?? the fact that my brother and his boyfriend are gay does not make them any less capable of looking after my son.. tell me what you think i should do..

sorry for the length of this and for the massive vent..

 

[Xero]

That's messed up!! I would totally ignore him. Actually, I would do it as often as possible just to tick him off!! lol If he doesn't want to be a part of his kids' lives (especially when you even offer them to him and he says no, WTF!!!!) then he doesn't get to decide what goes on with them either. You don't just get to go out and do whatever you want and then think you have ANY SAY in how the person who is raising your kids does anything!!

How come you talk to him? If he wants nothing to do with you or the kids, then how come he doesn't leave you alone? I would ignore his calls. If he wants nothing, give him nothing. I would.

What does he mean that he didn't sign up for this? Did he not want kids? I don't get that.

lol on this note, I just joined a facebook group titled "Any di** can make a baby, but it takes a MAN to be a daddy".

 

[Antoinette]

haha... that is the perfect name for a group.. i should make a facebook just to join that group LOL i know I'm left behind as the only person in the world without Facebook haha..

well i still answer his calls because i guess that somewhere in the back of my mind i still wish that he would see reason and come back and be a daddy to his children but i know that's not going to happen.. especially not right now maybe in 5 years when he grows up and realizes what he has missed but i think by then it will be too late anyway. Felix will be 6 and Alegra will be 5 and he will be a stranger..

and Michael and Spencer and perfectly capable of looking after Felix he loves them and listens to them even more than he listens to me sometimes GRRRRR sometimes David just gets to me

 

[Xero]

I agree, sexual orientation have absolutely nothing to do with a person's ability to care for a child. I'm sure they're both great people and obviously Felix liked them a lot! They're doing more for him than his dead beat dad.

How old are you guys if you don't mind me asking? Were your kids planned?

 

[Antoinette]

I am 18 and he is 20 no they were definitely not planned especially Felix who was born when i was barely 17 and then pregnant again with Alegra not long after.. i wasn't scared or upset when i found out about Alegra though because i loved David and he said he loved me and i thought he would be with me forever but i guess not.. i must be the most fertile person in the world.. i was on the Pill when i got pregnant with Alegra

 

[Xero]

I was on the pill when I got pregnant with Eli lol and I was 19 when I was pregnant, had him at 20 (bf was 21). But what happened to me was, I got a really bad kidney infection and it wouldn't go away and they gave me two rounds of antibiotics (it was a pain because, my insurance wouldn't cover two antibiotic scripts in one month) and finally IV antibiotics when I had to go to the hospital over it. And nobody was paying attention to my birth control and how it would be affected and I had no idea that it even mattered so next thing I knew I was pregnant.

Anyway, it is hard to be a young parent. Harder for some than others. I wish he would come around for you. He needs to grow up. And when you've got kids, you just can't do that on your own terms.

Maybe he will come to his senses when Alegra is born... What went wrong? Was he too stressed out with being a parent? Were you guys not getting along? I mean why did he leave? If I'm being too nosy just tell me to shut up lol I guess I just like to talk about things. I've been through a lot of crap too.

 

[Antoinette]

haha nah, i don't mind talking about it.. thats why I'm here so i can talk to people about it who actually understand unlike all my other friends my age who's biggest problem was if they would graduate LOL

umm its not really that we were fighting or anything but Felix was a REALLY tough baby to deal with and still is he had an operation when he was very young because he had terrible reflux and was not getting enough nutrition and he hasn't been the same since.. he usually won't sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time and gets croup every few months and David just got stressed out and couldn't handle it.. he said he hated working 6 days a week and not being able to go out to the nightclub with HIS money every weekend because all his money went to Nappies and clothes and toys for Felix (what an exaggeration) and thats not even true.. i worked too a few days a week and my money usually bought nappies,toys etc his bought food and house payments etc. but that was his reason for leaving... basically he was to selfish and immature to be a dad i guess

 

[bssage]

I agree with both of you.

On the one hand its nice to see he feels something, or at least a reaction to things that involve his children (however misguided they may be)

On the other hand I think you should freeze him out. Let him know "there is no free ride" If he wants to be active in their lives he needs to understand that only his responsibility can earn that privilege. IMO make that crystal clear.

Also IMHO I think you should stop taking calls and make him either write text or email. This might sound bad. But using those other forms of communication may give you a chance to think before you react without letting your desire to become a family temper you judgment. Just IMO

If you stay the course you will be much better off knowing in the future that you are capable of being a family with or without him.

Young and stupid is no excuse for being shthead.

 

[Antoinette]

hmmm.. maybe you are right.. it will be hard to freeze him out completely because i know he is being a complete dick head and sometimes i hate him so much for being the way he is... but i also love him so much it has only been a month since we broke up and this is really the first time we have spoken since.. i have tried but he can be very evasive when he wants to be...

i wish he would either be a dad to the kids that HE created or leave me alone completely and let me make my own decisions on how to care for them and who's care to leave them in when i have to do things like night classes

 

[bssage]

Sometimes people dont know what they want till its gone

 

[Antoinette]

i wish he would realize he wants his babies.. or at least just wants to see them.. Felix has been so hard to deal with since David left.. not just because it has gone from having help to being alone because it was always me who got up and everything so it isn't that Felix's whole behaviour has just changed he is more temperamental and i know he is missing his dad and probably confused about where he is..

 

[bssage]

I am sure its tough. I feel bad for you. I wish there were some words I could type that would make you feel better. But all I can really do is listen and wish you and your babies well.

There is one thing that I think helps parents when they are stressed.

A lot of time when the kids are alseep we take advantage for some "me time" Instead of that, next time you baby is sleeping take a good look at his sweet little face and steal a kiss. Thats always a pick-me-upper.

 

[Antoinette]

yeah, no matter how bad I'm feeling a smile or a laugh from him can pick me up and turn a bad day into a great day he drew me a picture this morning that was just a few little scribbles on computer paper and he handed it to me with the biggest smile and it just made me melt.. i was so proud of him it just made everything with his idiot dad so un important... and as much as i wish David would step up and take some responsibility when i look at Felix i just know that if i could take it all back or if i got it as a do over i would do it all exactly the same because with all of the problems i have with him he is my son and my little angel and he makes everything so much better.. haha i say that now while he is sleeping

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

I agree with everyone's posts Antoinette. As hard as it may be, you need to freeze him out. A guy that is as selfish as that does not deserve to be a daddy. And when he's old enough to realize that it will be too late. Stick to your guns lady

As for your brother and his boyfriend watching felix... there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and how dare your ex say something as rude as that! if i could grow go-go-gadget arms, i would slap him right across the face LOL. i have no tolerance for immature idiots!

i hope you feel better venting on here, i know i sure do when hubby wont listen xoxox

and you should totally get facebook, im friends with xero, bssage, ECD, and fallon so far!!! need to hop on the bandwagon!

 

[Antoinette]

okay, your probably right and since i started this post looking for advice i will actually listen to what you say and i will completely freeze him out i will not answer his calls or texts, if he wants to talk to me he can drive over here and see me and look his son in the face and then tell me he doesn't want us...

 

[Antoinette]

haha and yes when i get a free minute i will look into facebook

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

good for you hun!! im sure its hard...but in the end, he decided he didnt "sign up" for fatherhood, so if he wants any part of it, hes gotta work for it

 

[Antoinette]

yeah, i know that you are right

 

[singledad]

I absolutely agree that he doesn't get to have a say until he decides to take the responsibility of being a dad. I would not just ignore him, though. I would tell him why he doesn't get to have a say.

I don't think anyone want their children to grow up with only one parent, but I think that is better than a dad who just interferes when he wants to, but who doesn't care enough to be there for his children. If he isn't going to be a loving father figure but only a source of stress and conflict, they don't need him in their lives. IMHO.

 

[Aunt]

It seems this issue is two fold. Im afraid the second you have sex you are potentially signing on for parenthood because all sex has an element of gamble to it!
I would ignore his homophobia and go right ahead and keep these great guys in your kids life. Whether to freeze him totally i dont know. Sadly whether you like it or not he is the kids dad and their rights need to be considered. Also frankly cutting off contact seems to give him a pretty good excuse for not taking responsibility. He needs to be made to pay some child support for a start.
I would wait till i was calm and write him an email or letter. Id point out that he does not get to dictate who your kids see but that you are willing to try and be civil about discussing a role in the kids life. I would also remind him that you will be pursuing him for child support. As you guys are young parents surely the grandparents must be somewhere in all this. Can you turn to them for support?
Hope the venting helped