Stupid, Small Minded Ex boyfriend...

[Jeremy+3]

You decided to have children together, so surely you know what each other are like?

There are two things you need to sort out, firstly custody, you can either agree an arrangement together in front of a solicitor or you need to go to court. Now, while court may be pricey you will receive financial aid depending on your income. As you aren't married you will most likely need a DNA test before any of this can go through.

Once you have a legal arrangement for custody you can sort out child support, you can either make an arrangement between yourselves or you can use the CSA. This is worked out based upon your own income, your children's fathers income, and the it is also based around the custodial arrangement, so if you have 50/50 custody obviously there wouldn't be support. But if you had 70% custody you would receive some child support, their should be a support calculator somewhere on the CSA site.

 

[bssage]

I dont know how the law is in Australia. But here if you not married in the first place and he is not petitioning for custody. I believe its a non-issue. I also disagree with writing him a letter. You shouldn't need to be the chaser. You should be the chasee. Also here you shouldn't have to talk to him about child support and if his name is on the birth certificate the only DNA testing that would need to be done would be if he denied the claim and I think he would be on the hook to pay for the testing. The state should chase him down for the child support you also shouldn't have to do that. Of course you have to check the laws over there.

Personally I cant work up any sympothy for this dude. He left at the worst possible time. I dont see why you should spend any more of your energy on this 20 yr old baby when you are going to have two real ones at home.

 

[Antoinette]

he doesn't mind paying child support.. if fact he went to centrelink like a week after we seperated to see how much he would have to pay and how it would be paid.. so that isn't an issue.. and no DNA test is required because he is the father and he isn't disputing that.. he knows he is that dad be isn't saying that he isn't there father just that he doesn't want to be there dad.. i think i am going to go with the freezing out idea, someone on here (sorry i don't remember who.. Aunt maybe?) said to write him a letter and let him see them because i should take Felix and Alegra's rights into account.. well this was also my first choice.. David doesn't want to see them i have asked, i have begged, i have pleaded he just doesn't want to see them or know them but yet when i leave them in the able hands of my brother and his equally able boyfriend all of a sudden he thinks he deserves a say...

also Jeremy+3 says didn't i know him.. well i thought i did. and it was an accidental pregnancy but when i told him he was thrilled he thought the pregnancy was a gift and was great to me for the first 4 months or so and then Felix became a very hard child to manage and about then he shut down and thought it was just too hard but he stayed with me for 13 months after Felix was born.. Alegra was concieved 5 months after Felix was born (again, not intentional.. i was on birth control and don't feel like being judged) when Felix was 13 months old he announced it was "too hard, and he didn't sigh up for this" and he left without much more conversation... he was never like that until Felix stopped sleeping and became difficult so i guess to answer your question i thought i knew him but i guess i was wrong..

 

[Antoinette]

oh yeah.. he isn't petitioning for custody.. i have 100% custody because he doesn't want it.. if he asked too see them tomorrow i would let him custody will never be a problem because i would be more than willing to let him see them as much as he wants

 

[Aunt]

yeah it was me that said contact him in writing. Obviously you need to do the best thing for yourself and your kids. It is good to hear he is at least not trying to wriggle out of child support.
I guess all you can do now is look after yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you and try to be kind to yourself and your babies. Ignore those who you feel are judging you. They will always exist and dwelling on what they think is pointless. When it all feels overwhelming just take it 1 step at a time. We dont get through life we get through minutes then hours then days etc.

 

[Antoinette]

yeah i know thats why i put it in.. i know how stupid it is.. i sound like an idiot teenager and usually i can take the judgment because i am getting through it and i am healthy and happy as is my son and as will be my daughter but right now I'm a little stressed and am having a baby in 3 weeks so my hormones are going crazy and on top of that my idiot Ex is telling me who i should and should not trust to look after our babies which he doesn't acknowledge so I'm really not needing any more stress right now

 

[bssage]

having a baby in 3 weeks so my hormones are going crazy

Another good example. Any man with a brain would know this is not the time to be yankin yer chain.

 

[Antoinette]

well then i wish he did have half a brain because his idiocy is not what i need right now

 

[mom2many]

I know your pain/anger/frustration and sometimes helplessness.

I was married at 18 and pregnant (not married cause I was pregnant), had my first at 19 and second at 20. Hubby left me for another woman after #1 was born he was around 2-3 months old, #2 was concieved during 1 moment of weakness where I was hoping he would come back, like your guy he wasn't "ready", she was older, wiser, and more on her own then we were. We did try working it out briefly when I was preg with #2 and shortly after her birth he was gone, this was the point I found out that she was pregnant, when he left for the last time I let him go, no calls from me or him to me, I asked for no child support, some say that was stupid but I didn't want his money. He went on to have another child and I went on with my life.

It is really hard to do it on your own, if your brother and his partner are willing to step up to the plate and fill a gap for your kids then you let them, there is a damn thing he can do about it, especially if he isn't willing to man up himself.

ALWAYS do what is right for you and your children, if and when the day comes that he wants to man up fine..take his perpective into account until then he has no say.

Now my hubby and I did get back togather, hence my 2 kids I did not give birth to, but we are not the norm, quite the opposite, so don't sit there and hold your breath thinking one day he will come back, it doesn't usually happen. I didn't wait for my hubby it just fell back togather again. I didn't wait for him I lived my life for me and my children..that is all you really can do.

 

[Antoinette]

yeah i don't think he is coming back... its really sad to say this because the way he is behaving is infuriating but if he came up to be tomorrow and said he wanted to be back in my life i would let him even though i know that the chances of him staying around with Felix (not always a pleasure to be around) and then a brand new baby Alegra are very minimal especially when he couldn't "deal" with Felix when he was 13 months old and i do know all that and i have thought about it but still i think that if he wanted me and my babies back i would say yes... silly to think about though because i know him enough to know he isn't coming back... Felix looks SO much like him though when i get to 200 posts i will put a picture of David and then one of Felix now... they look SO alike so every morning i see him and he just reminds me so much of his dead beat daddy.. so long as he didn't inherit the behaviour right

hmmm being able to write on here has actually made me feel a lot better.. and Michael and Spencer are taking Felix again tomorrow night because i have another night class which i am allowed to take him to but it is so hard with him there because he is very active and very destructive and i hate to do it to everyone.. his cute exterior fools everyone until you hear a crash and see that felix thought it would be funny to see how far he could throw his colouring book and it just happened to knock something over... so Michael and Spencer are amazing for me right now no matter what David says

 

[Antoinette]

this sounds like I'm complaining about Felix which i am not really lol i love him with all my heart and he is my amazing boy and my main man but he can just be difficult at times and because i try to hard not to raise my voice at him when he does something difficult i vent about it on here which probably makes you all think that all i do is complain about my baby... he is an Angel a lot of the time its just not all the time, and its those times that tend to stand out LOL

 

[Mom2all]

Your situation sounds so much like mine all those years ago, (with out the gay brother ). I was almost 18 when I had my daughter. Madly in love with her Dad.. and then found myself alone 6 months along with her brother, not quite 19. He decided that it was to hard to raise babies. He just never came home from work one day. My advice for you will probally not be what you want to hear, but I'll share it anyway~

It doesn't matter how much you love him... or how much you want him to be a Daddy. He probally won't. If he can walk away now... and not want to be a part of his babies lives, he's a loser anyway. More importantly, your children deserve better than someone who leaves when the going gets tough, because believe me..it gets harder.

Save your time and energy on things that do matter. Get an education and started in a career path that will offer you the chance to support yourself and your children with or without him. There is no sense waiting around for him to do the rite thing.

And most importantly... if he doesn't want to be there for the every day.. he HAS NO CHOICE in the things you choose to do with or for your kids. It's your life.. and theirs. NOT HIS ANYMORE.

I'd tell him simply... do not talk to me anymore about anything that doesn't concern you. Visitation... perhaps.. and child support are the only things that he needs to inquire about. If he tries to enforce anything with you.. don't debate it, hang up. Stand by it and start living your life not waiting by the phone.

I know more than anyone how hard all this is. But it took me 3 years to move on. Believe it or not.. life is better when you do and there are people who will love you and those children who will deserve your effort.

 

[Antoinette]

its weird to think I'm not the first person this has happened to because i feel like an idiot for believing him every time he said he loved me and would always be there i feel like everything he said was a lie..

haha trust me the gay brother is very helpful.. he is 28 and very settled and because he and his partner can't have kids (for obvious reasons) they love all the time they get with Felix and although Michael is obviously sad for me because David gone and my heart is all kinds of shattered i think he is enjoying the fact that he is now allowed to babysit and is trusted because David never actually said he couldn't see felix he just always made sure one of us was also there and if i suggested a visit to Michael's house there would always be something more important that he and Felix needed to do.. like visit granny which seemed reasonable because she didn't get to see them much either...

I managed somehow to graduate highschool and be a mummy with careful planning and day care and strict study time tables.. i didn't graduate with flying colours but i still graduated and was very proud.. i also have my Certificate II and III in children's services and am on my way (slowly) to getting my diploma so once i have that i will be fully qualified in my chosen field and hopefully fully capable to provide for my babies... i do quite miss David's pay check sometimes especially now that the house we bought (I bought, he took over when he moved in) is being sold because i can't make the payments on my own.. but i am getting through it and i just have to do it as best i can right now and once i do this it will be easier in the future....

i hope i can be as strong as you and get over him to the point where i know in my heart that i would not take him back and could easily not talk to him... you are so strong to be able to do this, and i know i need to for the sake of my babies at least...

 

[KatieG]

Ok that made me angry. I HATE homophobic people. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your brother and his boyfriend taking care of your child and HIS nephew. My best friends in the world are gay and if I would actually leave my son with anybody (other than my parents) it would be them because they are excellent with kids and better than any straight guy that I personally know. Don't listen to him, the title of this post is totally right. He sounds to me very immature, small-minded and stupid (as you say). That must have made your brother feel like crap. He's a waste of your time. =)

 

[Antoinette]

yeah homophobia confuses me, i think its just a result of being uneducated though because if you met my brother (Or Spencer) i doubt you would automatically think that they were gay, unless you met them together because they are very loving towards one another.. but they aren't like "flamers" or anything they are just people, people who love my son and right now my son needs men to love him to show him that not all men leave like his daddy did... rrr every time i think about David it makes me mad

 

[singledad]

The more I hear about this guy, the less I like him! You brother sounds like someone who can really be a positive influence in your son's life, besides being part of you support network. You are lucky to have someone you trust who can look after your son when you can't. So what if he's gay? I don't see how that has anything to do with whether or not he can look after a little boy.

Don't waste your time waiting for this David to come back to you. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy you or your children need in your life. If he wants to be daddy, sure, I'm not saying that you should deny him every possibility of coming back, but being a dad is about so much more than genetics...

To me, being a dad means to put your child's interests before you own, to always be there for them, to guide them, protect them, etc. I know many people will disagree, but I believe that "dad" is a title that should be earned, not something you automatically qualify for when you get a girl pregnant. And I also believe that you don't have to be a child's biological father to earn the title "dad" either. And until now, it doesn't sound like your ex has earned the right to be called "daddy".

 

[Antoinette]

that is sort of my opinion to which is why i say he is there father but doesn't want to be there daddy because biologically there is no doubt i have been with him for 4 years and have only ever slept with one other person and that was before him so there is no doubt that he is the father.. i just wish he could have manned up to be the daddy.. but you are right he isn't behaving in a way i want to rub off on my children it is hard right now to say i wouldn't take him back because we were together for 4 years and have only been separated for a little over a month so they are still very fresh wounds.. but he called this morning and i didn't answer so i think that is me taking a step in what i believe to be the right direction for me and my children.. he knows where i live if he needs to talk to me badly enough.

 

[singledad]

I cannot really imagine what you're going through - it must be incredibly hard. Loosing the person you love, and having to cope with suddenly being a single parent at the same time... we have that in common, but I didn't have to cope with the dissapointment of being dumped on top of that. That must make it even harder. But you are a strong young woman - you proved that by graduating highschool and studying further while having a perfectly valid excuse to drop out. So stay strong - the pain will pass in time, and you will be even stronger after this.

Judging from your posts you are a warm, intelligent, friendly person, and judging from your avatar you are beautiful - somewhere out there is a man who would be able to appreciate that, and who would love your children. Don't settle for anything less than that. Maybe, if you give your ex some time to grow up, he can become that man, but don't count on it.

 

[Antoinette]

sadly, i do have my fingers crossed that he will grow up.. i had both of my parents growing up.. my parents are still together so i did grow up with a relatively happy family and it's sad for me to think that my kids won't have this "normal" family.. they will be loved the same as i was because i have so much love for my man and i am so ready to have my little girl in my arms and Felix will come up to me and touch my belly and say "sista" and its so adorable so even without David we are going to be a family and we will be fine which is exponentially hard for me to say right now because it doesn't feel like it but we are taking it one day at a time and i know we will be fine, because we have to be fine.. i have to be fine for there sake so thats the way it will be sometimes i do wake up and wish i hadn't been such an idiot to fall pregnant to this man and believe he loved me but then again if i hadn't had my baby i wouldn't have my Man sitting on the floor right now watching me with his big eyes as he destroys the colouring book i gave to him today by ripping it an and proceeding to try and make the dog eat it... haha lucky i have tolerant animals right...

thank you so much for your help... Michael read the thread because i told him i wrote about him and he laughed at me and thought it was funny that he is "the gay brother" haha

 

[KMA]

One of the best things you can do is document the instances where he's uncooperative, unreasonable, etc. in case he ever tries to take you to court. I highly doubt there's a law stating that children can not be left in the hands of gay adults - but you may want to read up on it nevertheless.

It sort of sounds like he's threatened that another man has taken part in supervising his child.

I would give yourself some time away from him to clear your head. Find out what you really want from him, and move forward. Children can have positive upbringings without being in a nuclear family (I have two stepchildren who are incredibly happy and well adjusted, post-divorce).

Last note -

i wish he would either be a dad to the kids that HE created or leave me alone completely and let me make my own decisions

- I've seen a lot of divorced or split up couples with children who are stuck right in the middle. They are present enough to have an opinion, and occasionally take part in the child's upbringing but are in other ways absent and frustrating to the other more present parent.

Good luck.