Talk about it?...

[Xero]

Okay, I'm assuming I could call this a debate because it seems very controversial to me. I have two total opposite sides of a similar story and I want to know which way things should be done.

When my little sister was a toddler, she was molested orally by our mom's boyfriend. It happened a couple times. When I was a toddler, I was molested by my babysitter in the way that she kissed me (using tongue), and touched me in private areas. I don't have a problem talking about it, so don't feel bad or anything I really don't care about it. It just goes hand in hand with what I'm getting at.

Basically, my sister and I feel TOTALLY different about having almost the same thing happen to us. It still haunts her to this day, she thinks about it all the time, she'll bring it up in fights, she uses it as a reason for bad feelings, she dreams about it, EVERYTHING. I on the other hand don't give a poo about it, I still remember it pretty clearly but it's like "oh well". I would never blame it for my feelings, I never think about it, I never dream about it, nothing. I only know it exists and can explain it to you.

THIS is why I think we feel so different. And it makes me mad.

After that happened to me, my biological mom made sure I was ok, explained to me that I should never let that happen and always tell her about things, and then she never made a big deal about it again. We pretty much never talked about it. I knew the facts. I never went to therapy and never had any of my kid/teenage problems blamed on it, or anything like that. No one ever allowed it to linger in my mind, never gave me the chance to dwell on it. Since I didn't think about it, and I wasn't told over and over again how horrible of a thing it was (which it was), it never grew into a huge thing that took over my mind.

My sister on the other hand (I was adopted by her mom, so it was different for her), was CONSTANTLY reminded throughout her life even till now what happened to her and how awful it was and how it affected her. After it happened, our mom was told to have her talk about it whenever she could to get her feelings out, and to have her go to therapy, and to be understanding if she has problems. So every time they got into an argument/fought, one of them would always mention "This is because of what mike did to you!" or "I'm so depressed because I can't stop thinking about it!" and so on. And I blame my mom for ALWAYS bringing it up, because it taught her that she should always bring it up too and it was somehow a valid argument for talking back or sneaking out or not listening. Seriously?? And she sucked her thumb until she was TWELVE because some psychologist told my mom that she sucked her thumb because it gave her comfort over the thought of having been molested???? Come on. One day I yelled at her and told her there was no good reason for her to suck her thumb at that age and she needed to grow up or people would make fun of her. And wouldn't you know... she stopped? Why? Because I didn't mention anything about that stupid guy or their situation. I just said something that made sense, even if it was mean.

Still even the other day she called me crying because she spent the night at someone's house and our uncle was drunk and tripped and fell on her (which is terribly wrong and irresponsible and I was really mad actually), and she was SO incredibly scared and freaked out because all she could think about was Mike making her do things. I wasn't mean, I know it's not her fault that she feels this way. My mom and those psychologists drilled it into the poor kids brain, so I was very sympathetic and supportive because I love her to death. But I was angry because I know she wouldn't feel this way if poeple had just left it alone.

But I know many people think you should always talk about things? What do you think? Is it right to talk about it a lot and drag it out and let them think about it? Or do you think after a point that it should be dropped unless mentioned and not made a big deal of? Which one is more harmful? I want to know what you would do if it happened to your child.

 

[BookWyrm]

Everyone handles it differently, those who experience it, and so even the same method of handling it can have radically different results. Even if she had been treated the same as you, she may still to this day have the fear and hightened sensitivity to situations which bring the experiences back to mind.

The difference I do see though is not in the talking about it, but that yes, others drilled it into her head that no matter what problem she has, it is tied to what he did. She cannot gain room to heal because others have piled everything else on top of it and given it a life beyond the scope of what it already was. They've done as much harm as the act itself because her power has been taken away. When she screws up, it still isn't her, her bad behaviour belongs to him... she is still paying for it, but not for the right reasons. See what I mean in the differences?

She may indeed be one who needs to talk it through, but mor eimportantly from all you've said, she needs first to be granted her own power over herself back. What he did is done, and not to be belittled.. it was horrible and her fears and reactions are justified.. but... by allowing anyone including herself to blame her current behaviours on him.. lets him still have control of her. It tells her that nothing she is or can ever be or do is as important as what one scumbag stole from a child. She is her own person, good, bad and indifferent. All the rest will start falling into place once she can gain help in taking herself back. It may still not be easy, but it is the most important step or else she'll never heal.

And yes, I do speak from experience, my own and others close to me.

 

[evilbrent]

if it were my kid i'd do what your mum did - acknowledge the pain, and validate it, but then try to get back to normal as soon as possible.

there's a difference between being a survivor and being a victim.

 

[Father_0f_7]

I know that when I was sexually molested when I was between the ages of 11-14, I thought it was my fault, maybe she thinks it's her fault? I went to a psychologist and everything, and it definatly helped me, but that's just it...talking helped ME.

It's like bookwyrm said...Everyone handles it differently. I cant tell you how long it took me to believe it wasnt my fault, I had to hear those words everyday "christian it's not your fault, you didnt do anything wrong." I couldnt talk about it for the longest time either, it made me feel like less of a man, like I couldnt take care of myself.

I do not however believe she should bring it up in fights or use it as a reason for things she does. I know it's hard but you can control what you do, I had a lot of problems throughout my teen years (Alcohol mostly) and I wanted so bad to blame it on my step-dad, but that would have given him power over me.

I think when she brings it up in a fight or something like that you should ask her why she brought it up, ecpecially if the fight had nothing to do when what happend. Does that make scense? I think she just needs a couple good talks about what happend to her (and you) I know I couldnt start to heal until I spoke to someone.

 

[1dayatatime]

if it were my kid i'd do what your mum did - acknowledge the pain, and validate it, but then try to get back to normal as soon as possible.

there's a difference between being a survivor and being a victim.

Agree. I have a cousin who still blames everything bad in her life on her parents both dieing by the time she was 15. My cousin is now over 40. At some point each person much choose to quit being a victim. I would not want my child to remember being molested at all, let alone continually reminding them of it. Public hanging for all crimes against children.