tattling or gossiping...

[MomoJA]

It seems like every day my daughter tells me something that one of the girls at school has done. H (her best friend) scribbles, or doesn't know how to share. B won't let the other girls play in the playhouse. B only plays with her until A gets to school. H uses potty talk. And then again and again, H doesn't know how to share.

I've been listening and asking how she responds, but last night I told her she really shouldn't say anything about someone unless she has something nice to say.

The problem is that I want her to always feel like she can tell me things. I don't want to dismiss her feelings. I want her to feel confident that I will always support her, but sometimes I feel like she tells me those things just to have something to talk about. (I've mentioned in other posts that she is a drama queen in the truest sense of the term.) I told her if someone was hurting her feelings she should tell me, or if she felt she wanted to talk about something that bothers her, she could, but I know a 4.5 year old has a hard time distinguishing between what is important and what is gossip or tattling. But I definitely don't want her to grow up getting satisfaction from talking about other people in a negative way.

What have you all done to find that balance? Any advice is welcome.

 

[SouthernSmyle]

When my drama queen was younger, she used to similar things. OK, she's older now and she still does similar things - just not nearly as often. - lol.

She would tell me these things about classmates, people she knew, something she saw etc... as a way to open the door for me to tell her how proud I was that she wasn't doing those things as well, or how glad I was that she understood the difference between right and wrong etc....

Once I realized this was her driving need, (to be praised) and I started initiating the 'atta-boys' instead of her spoon feeding them to me, they 'tattling' went way down.

As she got older, starting in her tween years - her needs changed and that no longer worked so I would listen to her but kept my responses short and acted uninterested. When the subject changed to her or family or something of a positive nature, she had my full attention.

It changed again when the hormone fairy was in full swing - about 16 yrs old. I had been a single mom for several years by this time, her brother is only 14 months younger than she, and between working, school, sports etc... we were all very busy and always on the go so telling me something 'drastic' was her way to try to get me interested and pause for longer conversations.

So I started 'date' night. One night a week it was just me and her and one night a week it was just me and my son. We didn't always leave the house, sometimes it would be an 'after dinner date' and we would take a walk or play a game - but just me and my 'date', no siblings with cooties allowed - lol.

Taking the time to be interested in the 'boring' stuff kept her from feeling that she had to be overly 'OMG' with things, and helped her to focus on herself and what she was interested in and what she could control.

She's now married, living in Hawaii, and it's changed a few more times since then. I just change right with her as best as I can.

I hope that helps!

 

[Xero]

Haha, that's kind of cute. I think honestly that I'd probably let it go as long as it wasn't too bad. As long as my son didn't say anything directly mean about somebody (they're stupid, they're ugly, they're not good at such and such etc) then I wouldn't mind him going on about the other stuff. To me it seems kind of like when I get home from work I sit down and tell DH all the stuff that annoys me about everyone at work lol. So and so spends too much time in the bathroom, so and so spends too much time talking to people rather than working, so and so takes too many breaks, this person did that thing today, and so on lol. Of course my report usually comes along with all of the good things too, people I like, and things that made me laugh etc. Either way, I think its good that she can come home and get it all out with you as her listening ear. Plus its a good chance to say "Oh that's not very nice, is it? You're much nicer than that" I always love helping DS feel proud about doing the right thing/acting the right way.

I think maybe the only thing I might do to balance things out would be to ask some questions afterwards about positive topics, like "Who is your best friend at school? Who is the nicest to you? Who shares all the time? Who do you know that is good at coloring? Did anyone do something funny? Oh, well isn't that nice of him/her!" (of course you can make up your own stuff, but these are examples). That way you can prompt her to talk about the good parts of her day as well, instead of just focusing on the bad stuff. That way she knows its important to notice and remember the good things about people as well.

 

[Incogneato]

I've been listening and asking how she responds, but last night I told her she really shouldn't say anything about someone unless she has something nice to say.

If it were me, as long as she wasn't insulting the other kids, she could feel free to vent to me (which is what it sounds like she's doing). For instance, maybe one of the kids who she said doesn't share well, wouldn't share something with her, and talking to you is her way of getting that off of her chest. I would say that is better than pushing the kid down or doing some other mean thing. As Xero said, I think the best thing to do is allow her to continue the talking about things she doesn't like, but emphasize or prompt things that she or other kids do well.

 

[MomoJA]

Thanks so much all of you. I've probably overreacted to what she has been doing. She is one of these little girls who can speak for 30 minutes without taking a breath, and as I said, I think she is often saying these things just to have something to say.

You've given me some wonderful advice which I plan to use.

 

[BeanTownBigEasy]

I will use it as well. Thanks.