Teaching life skills -- how do you do it?...

[Lori Hoeck]

Hi, I'm new to this group and to forums like this, but the only way to learn sometimes is to dive in! So to my first post, which I hope opens up some insights for us all.

As I mentioned in my introduction, I'm trying to find the best way to help parents teach self defense -- physical, mental, or emotional self defense -- to children <I>as a life skill</I>:

How do you go about teaching any life skill to children, like cooking, financial savviness, or even "how to be a good friend"? Is it a conscious, planned activity designed to create certain habits or is it something piecemealed out as you get to it or as something arises to create a learning moment? Are there differences in approach to different life skills and can you give me examples?

UPDATE:<I> I put this in my introduction, but failed to add it here: I'm a senior martial arts instructor and have taught for many years. Now I want to bring self defense skills (not martial arts skills) to non-martial artists. I want parents to be able to teach children how to defend themselves with the simple, easy stuff -- not the jump, spinning reverse crescent kicks or flying side kicks.</I>

Thank you.
Lori

 

[motiv8r]

Regarding the physical self-defense, I see from your website that you know more than I, but I still have a couple comments.

When I was a kid, I think I would have been reluctant to try karate because of the risk of hurt and injury from fighting. Somehow, you should educate parents to address that fear to potential child martial arts students, or have them bring the kids to you and you would explain directly. Are students made to simply practice moves at first, and they do actual fighting only when they choose? If so, that would ease kids' worries, I suspect, so you should make that clear. I also would have feared looking ridiculous and failing; maybe you would want to address that too.

In addition, I remember my mom and I taking my younger twin sisters (elementary school age) to an introductory meeting for a martial arts program. Most of the prospective clients were boys. As the man explained what they would do and the abilities they would get, these boys actually started jumping excitedly and yelling. They were ready to learn to fight! This freaked out my sisters. So you should consider how girls might need a different sales pitch, or some kind of separation from the boys.

 

[motiv8r]

Regarding teaching mental or emotional self-defense (and other things) to children as a life skill:

Parents probably can teach a simpler skill like basic cooking in a casual, piecemeal, opportunistic way. The parent just does the task alongside the kid, judging when to show by example and when to let the kid take over a sub-task. Though, as preparation, the parents can first think about the kind of recipes that will be easy yet instructive (e.g. sugar cookies, pancakes), and invite the kids to cook that particular dish.

For the important and complex life skills, exploiting teachable moments is certainly worth doing, but you can't count on all of the right teachable moments to arise. I think teachable moments are excellent reinforcement for planned instruction; neither of the two is enough by itself, but the combination is powerful. An example is the "how to be a good friend" skill you mentioned in your question.

Social skills are complex. They take a good deal of effort to learn well. The ridiculous thing is that they are never formally taught in the school system.

Entire books have been written about helping kids learn social skills. One good book I found is The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, by Elman [for parents of younger children]. I'm sure there are other books for parents like that.

But parents should not directly teach all social skills to kids, either. For one thing, kids often hate being lectured by their parents (because it feels like criticism?). Also, it would be far too time-consuming for the parent to say everything that needs to be said. And by lecturing at length, the parent would be modeling the behavior of a know-it-all; a bad idea, since kids eventually figure out their parents aren't the best at everything!

I think parents should arrange to have third parties teach their kids, as much as possible. Books are excellent third party resources.

When kids are older, they should be presented with more sophisticated books that they can read on their own. For example, there is "How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls" as well as the Dale Carnegie books that inspired it.

In my opinion, one of any child's absolute top priorities should be learning interpersonal communication skills. He/she will benefit from these when with friends, at school, at work... all the time.

There are lots of self-help books about improving interpersonal communication. Parents can search "conversation", "interpersonal communication", "etiquette", and related subjects in nearby libraries' catalogs. Or just go to a bookstore.

Teens should read as many of those books as possible; each one will have unique examples they will learn things from.

There is another book that comes very highly recommended by librarians, educators, and others (including myself). It is called "Changing Bodies, Changing Lives", written by Ruth Bell. It is partly a sex-ed book but it talks about relationships and other things. Part of the book's genius is that it includes many quotes from teenagers, who the teenaged reader is more inclined to listen to and consider relevant (instead of having only adults lecture and dictate to the teen).

I hope you incorporate my suggestions, in your own way, into your website and other efforts. Thanks.

 

[Lori Hoeck]

Hi motiv8r,

Thank you for your input! (I forgot to add some info to the question, so I just did.)

Parents and kids both have a lot of fear when approaching the martial arts. It's not like deciding to take piano or soccer. Classes and training can be intimidating. A seasoned instructor knows how to ease that fear and motivate students instead in the first intro session. Teaching kids how to be secure with looking ridiculous or failing is easy to teach as well. When I was teaching full time, I was often the ridiculous one, using humor and antics to make points and ease tension.

I'm sorry to hear about the boys scaring off your sisters. Even an intro can be a time for learning martial arts discipline. It's also a good time to explaining it's not about fighting. It's about developing the body and mind via training to be able to defend yourself in many different ways (a glare, a shout, avoidance, running to safety, calling 9-1-1) if necessary.

I liked this point you made "I think parents should arrange to have third parties teach their kids, as much as possible." I've wondered about that. I can see that kids might get tired of mom or dad, or mom and dad might get too gung-ho when teaching some of the physical self defense skills.

Your book recommendations look great, including <I>The Unwritten Rules of Friendship</I>. I read <I>How to Win Friends</I> <I>and Influence People</I> by Dale Carnegie as a kid, and I'm glad they have one out now for teen girls! Makes me curious how they handled the subject differently.

I'm compiling resources like these books to help kids overcome insecurity, since that can be a factor in being bullied, so thank you!

 

[16th ave.]

along with trying to get books and things for the kids to learn through, we try to do it by example and as each circumstance comes along.

 

[IADad]

I second 16th comments - yes it's a consious effort, but the effort isn't focused on planning "tonight there's going to be a lesson on finnancial responsibility, that come sup when we're in a store, or when we see an ad for something we want. How to be a good friend is spun out of daily asking how things went, what did you do? What did you play? Who was there? How are they? Those kinds of question inevitably get to divulging more information from which we can impart some lesson, so seeds for action the in the coming days.

So, while it's not methodically planned, I'd hardly say it's piecemeal either. And DW and I do "de-breif" on these things, so we know what the kids have told us, and how we've responded, so we can be collaborative and consistent.

 

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[lindsey2write]

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[hannahmarielane]

My mum just played being a good example in every aspect. But i didn't get all what good she got. I suppose that kids as they grow up really become a critical thinker that they compare what their parents do to their doings, and so imitating them until they can act on their own judgment and decision.

 

[Caraiethra]

Most life skills are learned by observation. Things like cooking, are fairly easy if you cook every day. Invite them to help, even if it's just shredding cheese in the food processor. Some of my best memories are of sitting at the counter watching my mom cook and helping out when I could. By the time I was 10 I could safely use a knife.

When my dad did some renovations on the house he had me help. I would steady the wood as he cut it, hammer in nails, use the screw driver, dig holes (which was my favorite job). He showed me how all of the different tools worked and what they were used for. I was 8 years old and could help build a deck and tile.

I learned to clean by helping my mom. When I was six I loved cleaning toilets for some reason &gt;&lt;; so she showed me how to do it.

 

[bssage]

Caraiethra.

While we appreciate your enthusiasm and willingness to participate. We try not to bump old threads. Not a biggie we understand and most of us have done it before. I think the rule was three months. I will check Thanks

Bssage

My bad its 30 days

Rules and Guidelines - READ BEFORE POSTING Sirk

 

[Andrew84]

I think it is important to teach your child how to defend themselves from bullies. Learning a skill like karate will give them a lot more than the confidence they will need not to be intimidated by bullys but also to better assess a threatening situation.

 

[wishdr]

along with trying to get books and things for the kids to learn through, we try to do it by example and as each circumstance comes along.

I believe that's the best advice. Be a role model in every respect. Have an environment where open discussion and respect for opinions is prevalent. Teach in an age-specific way.

 

[rossmono]

I remember my father tought me life skills through a way that real practice...

 

[Dale Simmons]

This is what the kids need

 

[Vikas1]

it is really hard to teach life skills to children. childrens can learn enough just seeing by what others doing. there are many online tutors that can teach 1st grade to 12th grade and more. just see this &lt;site removed by mod&gt;

 

[lola]

Much as I want my kids to learn how to protect themselves through martial arts I am scared of them getting hurt much more break their bones or have slip disc. I have a lady friend who can judo and who goes to the PT every time she is in pain (slip disc) and she told me that she got it from judo. So learning martial arts is really not a thing for me. Although Right now my daughters PE class is introducing them to Arnis.

My husband teaches the kids whenever he had time. We teach the kids things to do or what they should do to different situations, like getting lost in a mall, not talking to strangers, not giving names or any information about who live at home when someone calls, what to do if someone tries to kidnap you, things like these....we discuss it to them and remind them from time to time.

We also make sure they are not getting bullied in school and what to do if they were bullied. We also talk to them about joining fraternities and selecting their friends. We're blessed that they listen to us and we feel we have prepared them hopefully specially our son who will enter college by next year. There's more to learn and teach and we us parents also continue to learn more things to impart to them.

 

[Dale Simmons]

yes, "hands on education" beats theory virtually every time!

 

[zaslan]

As a martial artist practitioner, i too myself agree that children should learn to defend themselves. This is not to encourage bullying but rather to curb it. In a proper martial art class, students will be taught not only how to train their body, but also their minds. This in turn will give them confidence and a proper way on how to react in any situation.

 

[Vikas1]

thanks, i got useful discussion here. explained how do you do it. best teacher in the child life is parents. that's right.