Teaching our kids to stand up for others...

[singledad]

I think it would be safe to assume that all parents agree that bullying is a serious issue that should never be tolerated.

However, I have stumbled upon an article that made me think about this from a different angle: What if my kid was to witness someone else being bullied? The parents in the article advocate teaching children to speak up when they see other's being bullied, instead of silently standing by.

http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/kirk-smalley-found-a-mission-after-the-suicide-of-his-son/comment-page-1/#comment-463842[/URL]

Now, my first reaction is to support them. Not only would it possibly make a huge difference to victims of bullies, but I would also want my daughter to be the kind of person who stands up for those who, for whatever reason, cannot stand up for themselves. Sounds like a great idea, doesn't it?

But then it occurred to me that, should be daughter stand up and confront a bully, chances are that she will be turning herself into a target too. Would I want my daughter to expose herself by attracting the attention of the bully?

What is worse - allowing her to become another member of the silent masses who stand by and watch others suffer while shaking her head and thinking how sad it is, or potentially becoming a bully-victim herself?

I know the second option is kinda cowardly and selfish and that I would be extremely proud if she fought for and helped someone else, but as a parent my first priority is to protect my daughter, especially as she gets older and bullies become actually dangerous...

What do you think? Please help me make up my mind!

 

[cybele]

Isn't there a saying along the lines of "all it takes for evil to prevail is good men to do nothing"? Don't know the exact wording.

No one wants their child to become a target, but mob mentality works, you get enough people to stand up against something, and things change.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

It really depends. Adults most often will never know what really happens between children. Bully vs. victim isn't so always black and white.

 

[Shaun Austin]

In an ideal world kids would stick up fro each other... or even better kids wouldn't bully others. Sadly its not like that. Now my kids have had another sibling close to their age who has helped if they were bullied. I know some kids don't have that i think we need to educate kids in sticking up for their peers and that schools should do more to protect those kids that do.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

In an ideal world kids would stick up fro each other... do.

Actually, kids do that. And sadly, that is as natural as bullying.
I'd like my sons to be heroes, however, myself i was on both sides...

 

[mom2many]

I've always told my kids that silence is no different then the person who is doing the bullying. Honestly in many cases if one person stands up, more people are apt to do it. In a sense shutting the bully down.

Sam would be the first person to step up, she has no patience for mean people. Megan would comfort the victim, Lupan would ignore it (even with his own siblings, really pissed us off). Ted doesn't have the reasoning to do much of anything and probably wouldn't notice it if it was happening.

My younger kids are a work in action. Ted also had a protector threw school, look at Ted wrong, say something wrong and this kid (somewhat of a bully himself) would set the record straight. I think they worked well together, because Ted had a 'calming' effect on him, which is why I allowed the friendship in the first place.

Bullying continues cause no one will stand up to them, bullying continues because to many people sit silent and that silence feeds into the bully's 'power'.

 

[akmom]

Singledad, I think our expectations for people to stand up for people really depends on the situation. If your daughter encountered a knife fight, in which a group of people were ganging up on one person, you would not expect her to jump in and help. She really has very little to offer and a lot to lose. However, if her friends were name-calling another student, and she stepped in and voiced her opposition, I suspect you would be very proud of her. She has a position of influence among her friends, and thus her support would be very empowering for a victim.

Would her friends ostracize her for it? I don't know. I honestly have very little experience with bullying, except in the most minimal form, from childhood. That said, I've never seen someone get bullied for standing up against a bully. It probably happens sometimes, but I think the nature of true bullying is to attack those who can't or won't defend themselves. I think "bullies" shy away from those who assert themselves.

A person should have the physical capacity (or backup) to intervene in a physical bullying incident. Otherwise they're probably better off reporting it instead. Likewise, a person with enough social clout can have an impact on verbal or emotional bullying, but an "outsider" who lacks this standing might not have that influence. Perhaps they can support the victim privately. An anti-bullying resolve is one thing; judging your capacity for involvement is probably another. Good questions.

 

[singledad]

Good point, AK. I guess I tend to think too much in black and white - you either do or you don't. This isn't that simple. It actually comes down to the individual situation.

 

[pancras]

Why is bullying not treated as a legal issue?

http://www.sanfranciscobayarealaw.com/2010/11/11/school-bullying-is-illegal/[/url]

If an adult is subjected to anything like bullying, the right thing to report the bully to the cops and/or use a lawyer to deal with it.

What do you mean by confronting a bully? I don't see the point in verbally confronting a bully and assaulting the bully is against the law.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Sometimes it is wise to stay out of the conflict, depends on what it was about.
In my class at one point there two informal class leaders. Very mean girls, true bullies. Once something happened between them, and there was war. One of them lost her leadership status and became a target. Oh we we're mean to her then. I though -- well deserved, you cow.

 

[singledad]

Why is bullying not treated as a legal issue?

I'd say because it doesn't make sense to charge a child with a criminal offense. What are you going to do? Send him to jail and destroy his chances of ever becoming a stable and well-adjusted adult? Studies have shown that the vast majority of bullies come from dysfunctional homes. I'd say whatever steps you take must include: first and foremost - making sure the victims are safe from further bullying, even if that means removing the bully from the situation, and second - helping both the victim to recover from the damage done and the bully to find better coping mechanisms.

If an adult is subjected to anything like bullying, the right thing to report the bully to the cops and/or use a lawyer to deal with it.

Agreed. Unlike a little kid, an adult should know better than to take out his issues on a smaller and weaker person.

What do you mean by confronting a bully? I don't see the point in verbally confronting a bully and assaulting the bully is against the law.

I was thinking in the context of my 6-year-old daughter. In that context, "confronting a bully" would be to tell the little girl who is name-calling another child "stop, that's not nice", for example.

Sometimes it is wise to stay out of the conflict, depends on what it was about.
In my class at one point there two informal class leaders. Very mean girls, true bullies. Once something happened between them, and there was war. One of them lost her leadership status and became a target. Oh we we're mean to her then. I though -- well deserved, you cow.

I can understand what you are saying and would probably have felt the same in the circumstance, however, bullying is bullying and no-one deserves it. I wouldn't want my DD to engage in petty-revenge either, regardless of how satisfying it may be...

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I can understand what you are saying and would probably have felt the same in the circumstance, however, bullying is bullying and no-one deserves it. I wouldn't want my DD to engage in petty-revenge either, regardless of how satisfying it may be...

That's what i mean -- it is wiser to stay out of a conflict and not to take sides.

 

[pancras]

I can see your point for verbal bullying that does not involve threats.

If you google "stand up to bullying" you find lots of organized efforts along these lines and what looks like some good pointers on how the handle bullying.

 

[pancras]

I was thinking in the context of my 6-year-old daughter. In that context, "confronting a bully" would be to tell the little girl who is name-calling another child "stop, that's not nice", for example.

This site seems to recommend a different approach. I don't know if it's better, but I think it's worth brainstorming about the alternatives.

It recommends trying to defuse the situation by attempting to relate to the bully and being kind. The kind of response that the bully does not expect, indication that you do not fear the bully but no direct confrontation. Or ignore or walk away. The more agrgessive responses recommended are to outnumber the bully or report him to authorities.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2196395_stand-up-bully.html

If one confronts a bully in the manner you describe with a direct order "stop" or a criticism, the bully will perhaps just up the ante. Most likely the situation or context of the bullying will be one where the bully can up the ante. In other words, your daughter is on the turf that the bully chose and is probably doing something that the bully is well prepared to deal with and might even welcome.

 

[singledad]

http://www.ehow.com/how_2196395_stand-up-bully.html

If one confronts a bully in the manner you describe with a direct order "stop" or a criticism, the bully will perhaps just up the ante. Most likely the situation or context of the bullying will be one where the bully can up the ante. In other words, your daughter is on the turf that the bully chose and is probably doing something that the bully is well prepared to deal with and might even welcome.

Food for thought, indeed.

I think telling someone (an adult) is always a good idea. But then we need adults who can be counted on to handle the situation so that 1) the bullying behaviour is addressed, 2) the victim is helped, and 3) the child who told isn't labeled a "snitch", turning her into the next target anyway. Unfortunately most schools will only make a token-attempt at accomplishing number 1, and pay no attention to 2 and 3. According to what I've read this is an international problem...

 

[Veronica Harris]

I've always told my son to stand of for himself and constantly update me about bullies in school. He is a big brother now and I see how protective he is to his baby bro and I am proud of that.

One time when I was picking him up from school her teacher told me that his classmates looks up to him because apparently he stood up for his cousin (his classmate). Well it makes me proud as a mom that my son at his early stage has genuine compassion for others, I just remind him though that in situations that he might get in trouble (physically) just don't hesitate to phone me, 911 or any nearby authorities.