Teen Daughter & Self Maintenance...

[tornadoknight]

Hello everyone,

My wife & I are trying to figure out how to get through to our 17yr middle daughter about taking care of herself. She seems to have next to no interest at all with taking showers, brushing her teeth/hair or washing/changing her clothes. We have to almost constantly tell her to do these things like we had to when she was a little girl (and didn't know any better.) We are so frustrated with the situation. We have tried to sit her down on too many occasions than I can remember that she needs to take care of herself so she looks nice to herself & others. Her teeth are starting to look yellowed because we can't make her brush her teeth before bed or when she gets up. Basicly we have to ask her over & over & over again to do these things or she just ignores them. (And then we end up not having time to get ourselves ready for work or get to bed when we want to.) She seems to have a bad self view of herself. We try and tell her she is beautiful & smart.

Another item, after her complaining that she doesn't have money to spend, we had been incouraging her to find a job. Which (thank god) she finally got at a local DQ. (Her sister has been working at the same one for about a year now.) That seems to make her happy. Also we can't seem to get her away from playing on the computer or video games or her i-pod. She would sit on one of those things 24/7 if we didn't tell her to unplug. Her grades have been pretty wobbly and she got a D in one of her classes so we grounded her from all of her eletronics until she gets her grade back up. We aren't sure if we need to get her into some sort of counciling or if we should just try and continue to work with her and hope these things we are trying to instill into her will click in her head.

Any advice would be appreciated.


Thanks in advance,
Matt

 

[Mom2all]

I'd be worried that maybe it is a self image thing. People who are happy, normally want to look that way. Perhaps this new job will be the thing she needs to start having confidence in herself.

 

[tornadoknight]

I hope so too. But she has had this job for about 3 weeks and we aren't seeing any difference in the way she handles these concerns.

Not sure what else to do.



Matt

 

[Mom2all]

Does she act depressed?

 

[cybele]

Firstly, congratuations to her on the new job.

In regards to her hygiene, perhaps you could use a little outside influence on this, take her to a dentist, if her teeth are yellowing chances are there's some nasty damage going on there and she's going to need some work done, thats, truth be told, it wont be pleasant (after all, who enjoys going to the dentist?) hopefully realising how much work has to go into restoring her teeth, and how uncomfortable it is, plus a good talking to from a professional who she dosent have an emotional "I know more than you because im 17" attatchment to will make something click on her head that she needs to be taking care of her oral hygiene. Trust me, once your older, its very hard to fix (many years of coffee and cigarettes has left me with disgustingly stained teeth, and I still havent dropped the coffee, there is no amount of whitener in the world that will salvage mine, my dentist tells me is veneers is the only way ill ever have nice teeth again)

Does she have many friends or much of a social life? Most girls (and boys) around that age are obsessive about their hair, and worried about the peer pressuring surrounding "looking good", my oldest has a mid-neck length bob that she really cant do much with, but she can still spend up to half an hour putting on a headband, taking it off, putting on another headband, taking it off, pinning one side in a hairclip, taking it off, pinning the other side with a hairclip, replacing the hairclip with another one, taking it off, stcking a big flower on her hair, taking it off, putting on the first headband again, taking it off, and so on.

She is 17, so it might be hard, but you could insist that if she will not care for her hair, then she needs to cut it short, it might be a stretch, I used to do it with my girls when they were much younger and wouldnt let me brush their hair, granted thats a much easier deal to make with a four year old than a seventeen year old.

Showers are just non-negotiable, would taking her shopping and buying some nice smelly soaps, loofahs and other nice bath things that are all hers encourage her more? I really dont know what I would do for that one otherwise.

Grades is a funny subject with me. If she is only doing poorly in one subject (the one she got a D on) I probably wouldnt be punishing her, im of the belief that it is unreasonable to expect someone to excel at every single field of education, which high schools do seem to expect. Of course, I know that not everyone shares this belief, but its just my personal spin. However, if there are subjects that she previously loved and really did well in, again, I wouldnt be punishing, id be finding out the reason why, I think most teenagers have some level of drive that encourages them to move in a certian direction, if someone has lost all drive to either do well in school, or keep up with their appearances, or go out and be with their friends, then there has to be something more going on.

Above all, is there someone that can talk to her? Most teens wont open up to their parents, but is there anyone she is very close to? Her sister? An Aunty? An older cousin? A family friend? Someone who she is willing to let in and get to the bottom of her low self esteem. I think that will be the most beneficial for her at this point.

 

[Littleandalread]

Matt!

I think I do know what your daughter is going through. Been there myself. 1. Video games is evil, believe me. They are very addictive and I used to sink in them myself. When there was a choice whether to go to take a shower or stay 15 minutes longer in the game, the choice was obvious for me. There's almost no way to get her out of there as long as she doesn't want to herself. 2. I wish my parents MADE me take care of myself when I neglected it for some absolutely childish stupid reasons. I don't know what my relations with them would be then by now but I am sure I would be normal and could be happy. They say it's never too late but sometimes it is. My advice is be more harsh with her. Use your parent authority. It's not one of the cases where you talk to her, letting her understand your point and she immediately or with a slight delay does and everything is back to normal. Hope this helps.

 

[tornadoknight]

Matt!

I think I do know what your daughter is going through. Been there myself. 1. Video games is evil, believe me. They are very addictive and I used to sink in them myself. When there was a choice whether to go to take a shower or stay 15 minutes longer in the game, the choice was obvious for me. There's almost no way to get her out of there as long as she doesn't want to herself. 2. I wish my parents MADE me take care of myself when I neglected it for some absolutely childish stupid reasons. I don't know what my relations with them would be then by now but I am sure I would be normal and could be happy. They say it's never too late but sometimes it is. My advice is be more harsh with her. Use your parent authority. It's not one of the cases where you talk to her, letting her understand your point and she immediately or with a slight delay does and everything is back to normal. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the advice LittleAndAlread! We seem to have a heck of a time getting her to take care of herself even when she isn't glued to electronics. She is just very hard headed. :angry:

 

[Aylaissi]

1. Video games are not evil. Anything in life can be "addictive" under the right circumstance with the right person. Blaming these things holds people back and only makes things worse. If someone wants to be happy, healthy and "normal" it is really simple.... Learn from everything you do in life, your mistakes and your success. Learning from both and taking responsibility for our actions/choices is how we grow and become adults, how we form who we are.

2. Your daughter is not a cookie cutter! No human is exactly the same as another. Nobody can say be less strict or more strict about any situation, you need to look behind the situation and see what is causing the results. Without doing that you could easily make something worse not better. She has a job and is not skipping out on it to play games or with her electronics, that right there is a pretty good sign that it is not an addiction, but a choice. Which leaves you with a lot of questions.
Does she enjoy these games because she prefers that reality to her own? Even the most beautiful person can have low self esteem, low confidence, be shy... So many different things and they can be someone else. If this is the case you could make her more depressed, you should instead find ways to help her break out of that, to encourage her about who she is in life.
Another question to answer is games or electronics her passion? Is it something she really loves and is good at? Something she might want to do with her life? Because if that is the case then maybe you need to be helping her use that passion and focus it in a positive way.
You also need to figure out if there is even a connection between the different issues. As teenagers are becoming adults a lot is happening and if they are separate issues then bunching them all together can make fixing or helping her fix them more difficult.
What does she think? Does she feel she has a problem with hygiene? I mean think back to the 90s when grunge was a big look. Some alternative/punk areas still like and lean towards that dirty look. If this is the case the solution could be as easy teaching her how to achieve that and still be hygienic.

There are a lot of other questions and there are a lot of personal experiences from myself, my boyfriend and a few close to me that could help some but I think that is a good starting point to not be too overwhelmed. Good luck figuring things out!

 

[momtoallkids]

it almost sounds like manic depression. lack of hygene is very common. try her in therapy. it might help. give her a neutral party to talk to.... and tell her she needs to shower. or you can try what my parents did with my sister, fill her stocking easter basket birthday presents, everything with like shampoo, body was deodorant ect.... maybe she will take the hint.

 

[girlnextdoor]

Matt,
I'm glad you've asked for advice about your daughter's behavior...specifically if you should "get her into counseling or just try to continue to work with her." It seems as though you and your wife have tried everything you can think of..with no results. Please consider getting your precious daughter into counseling. Between the obsession with gaming and the inattentiveness to her personal hygiene..something just seems "wrong". :sad: I know you think so too..or your wouldn't have posted about it. I work at Focus on the Family, and we offer a free counseling consult over the phone. Please consider calling to get a professional's opinion on this. God's best to you and your family!

 

[parentastic]

I work at Focus on the Family, and we offer a free counseling consult over the phone. Please consider calling to get a professional's opinion on this. God's best to you and your family![/QUOTE]

"Focus on the family" is a <I>religious christian Evangelical organization</I>, not a psychological association. The web site says: "We believe that these are Christian counselors who will be counseling from a biblical perspective. "</SIZE>[/FONT]
If you are looking for counseling, I suggest you refer your case to a qualified, APA certified <U>psychologist</U> professional.

Girlnextdoor, the forum's rules are explicit about posters using it to promote their services. It's forbidden. Please take notice. In addition, offering a reference for a "professional counselor" without mentioning it's actually a religious organization is disingenuous and unethical. The poster may not realize this before calling, and you do not know his/her religious beliefs, therefore risking to influence or manipulate them into values that aren't necessarily theirs to begin with.

 

[girlnextdoor]

Parentastic,
I would like to clarify, that all of our counselors at Focus on the Family are licensed therapists who provide assistance from both a Christian and psychological perspective. Also, I was certainly not trying to promote our services, rather I was intending to offer a free option that Matt may not have been aware of. I am in no way wanting to push anything on anyone. I will refrain from posting on this thread as a sign of good intent.

 

[IADad]

Parentastic, we've never stopped you from talking about your parenting training classes, nor the books your offer up.

While posting the link is probably a bit more than should be posted. I'm going to allow it as girlnextdoor has disclosed her relationship with the service and I think it's something that someone may find helpful. So, it's not the forum's endorsement, but given our recent tolerance of other "advertising" I'm coming to let this one stay. Another mod or the forum management may view it differently and remove it.

 

[parentastic]

IADad, I have no problem with posters genuinely trying to offer resources and to help other posters. But I find it disingenuous when a religious evangelical organization is presenting their services without mentioning their religious affiliation.

The OP is not offered a disinterested, free professional counseling session void of influence and with only the OP's best interest at heart; the OP is offered a politically oriented, biased service which is not free, but rather is paid by a religious organization. Why they offer to pay one first free christian-evangelical oriented counseling session to anyone is left to the imagination of each reader, but it's certainly not void of any proselytizing intention, is it?

If you are going to stretch forum's rules on your very second post ever on a site, the least you could do is to do it transparently, IMO.

 

[IADad]

IADad, I have no problem with posters genuinely trying to offer resources and to help other posters. But I find it disingenuous when a religious evangelical organization is presenting their services without mentioning their religious affiliation.

The OP is not offered a disinterested, free professional counseling session void of influence and with only the OP's best interest at heart; the OP is offered a politically oriented, biased service which is not free, but rather is paid by a religious organization. Why they offer to pay one first free christian-evangelical oriented counseling session to anyone is left to the imagination of each reader, but it's certainly not void of any proselytizing intention, is it?

If you are going to stretch forum's rules on your very second post ever on a site, the least you could do is to do it transparently, IMO.

i agree she perhaps should have disclosed the religious connection, but the fact that the service is offered by a faith based organization doesn't make it necessarily worthless of disingenuous. Why they pay for the first session, perhaps to get people over the fear of starting, of paying for something that may not be of value. You seem to discount the notion that this faith based organization may really care about people.

I'm not saying everyone should deal with religious organizations, and I don't believe "girlnextdoor" was trying to hide anything, you certainly get a pretty full picture when you click on the link. When you called her out she stepped forward, so i really don't see anything sinister going on there.

Of course she didn't offer a non-faith based solution, she can only offer what she has to offer.

I understand you are atheist, and I support you voicing you views, I just wish you didn't have to pounce on everything that comes from some faith based source. You know for every evil you can point to that has been perpetuated in the name of religion there's a ton of good too. Please remember when you attack religion, that often times you are also attacking people with good intentions.

I support the good you try to do and appreciate you bringing the balance of your perspective to the discussion, can you please do the same for others?

 

[DadofTeen]

Funny thing...I have the complete opposite problem with my teen...I can't get her away from the mirror at at times...

Re:

We have tried to sit her down on too many occasions than I can remember that she needs to take care of herself so she looks nice to herself &amp; others.

I'm curious...and I didn't see this asked...

Have you asked her why she feels the way she feels about her hygiene?

Sometimes I find that asking my 18 year old obvious question helps rather than telling her what I think she should do gives me better insight into solving the issue...

DOT

 

[ellsworthata]

My fifteen year old, middle daughter, is very similar.
First, is she depressed, when you don't feel good on the inside, then you aren't going to feel like taking care of the outside.
Second, could she be using this as a way to power struggle with you. Being a middle child she may not feel like she has enough of your attention. It sounds like this issue has defiantly captured your attention!!!

My advice, first, get professional help if you think she's depressed.
Second, set up some simple and clear rules about hygene. Sit down with her and compromise on expectations. With my daughter we agreed that she could shower at night after supper instead of in the morning due to the fact she struggles waking up and doesn't want to have to get up any earlier then needed. Once you have outlined the expectations, outline simple and clear consequences. For example, how about showering and brushing teeth after school? No video games at night until after it's done. If she fails to brush her teeth before school then all bets are off until the next day. Be careful not to get upset, over discuss the issue, or talk about it when she can hear. If she is doing this for your attention then you will be reinforcing the behavior you're trying to change! Also, why not sit down and play some video games with her! She will feel more bonded to you and it will help her be more interactive with "humans" then with electronics!

www.ellsworthata.com has a blog I write that gives great parenting advice!