Telling my parents I'm moving out...

[Andrew14]

I know this is a parenting forum, and I'm not a parent, but I really need a parent's advice.

I'm 18 years old, and I want to move out, because I'm in a position where I make enough to do so. I work about 45-55 hours a week doing landscaping at a golf course, plus I usually do a couple side jobs each week (mowing, mulch, whatever) just because I can. I already have enough money set aside for school next fall (Paramedic program at a local college), and a little bit in savings just in case something bad happens (car troubles, health problems, whatever). So, it's not like I'd be barely able to survive.

Now, the problem is that my parents are very conservative, very family orientated, and think I should stay at home untill I get my "career" started. They think I should stay at home as long as possible. Also, I've gotten into some trouble before (smoking pot, drinking underage, typical rebellion), so things are a little tense with them. I don't drink anymore at all, and I don't argue with them much at all, but things are still tense because they know that I still smoke pot every so often and they absolutely hate it, even though I don't do it at home.

I want to tell them I'm moving out, but I don't want to upset them too much or ruin my relationship with them. If I thought that I could just tell them and they'd be supportive, I wouldn't be here. How should I go about this? What would you want your kid to explain/say/do to help put your mind at ease? I already have a place picked out, and to my knowledge a pretty good understanding of what I'd be paying as far as bills go.

I really do care about my parents, and I really want to move out. I just want to let them know in the best possible way so as to not have them disappointed in me or think I don't love them or anything like that. Also, I already pay for my insurance/gas/everything I buy, but my car is in my dad's name and I owe him about $400 on it, which I could pay off but he only requires $50 a month on it. I'm afraid that he might threaten to take the car if I move out, but I'm not 100% sure if he'd actually do it. So I want to keep things as good as possible between us (not only for that, but...kinda in large part for that).

Can anyone offer some advice on how to go about telling them?

 

[stjohnjulie]

What do you think is their main reasons are for not wanting you to move out? I'm guessing that you've talked to them about this somewhat in the past, is there anything they have verbalized? Are they going to miss you? Are they afraid you are going to party? Do they think that you can't handle it financially?

I would say that the best way to convince them that you can do this, that you should do this, is to tackle their concerns one by one. If they are afraid that you can't afford it, then show them your DETAILED budget...the one that includes you saving money for emergencies If they are going to be missing the heck out of you, then tell them which day of the week you will be over for dinner....etc.

What are your plans when you start school? Will you be able to afford living on your own and paying for school if you are working less? Is the work you do now seasonal? Will you be able to do the same work you are doing now on a reduced schedule while you are in school?

As far as the car goes, can you pay your dad off early? It's nice that he gave you a loan with such affordable payments! but if you can, I would go ahead and pay it off as fast as you can without throwing your budget out of whack.

So what are YOUR main reasons for wanting to move out? I know at your age, the only thing I wanted to do is get out of the house and be on my own. I dreamed of it for years!!! Once I was out on my own I struggled financially for years. I know if I would have stayed 'under their wing' a little longer that I would have had an easier time of it, but my independence was so important to me that I lost sight of everything else.

You sound like a pretty responsible young man. And it's really nice that you don't want to hurt your parents. I think that if you can identify their fears and concerns that it would be the best way to go about it. Make sure to keep an open mind when talking with them. They are older and have more experience and might have some really good advice for you. Things that you may not have even thought of.

Good luck and can't wait to hear how things go!

 

[Dadu2004]

I'm with Julie on this one...a detailed budget to present to them would be a great idea. The fact of the matter is that you're 18 and a legal adult...it's time for them to cut the strings and allow you to be your own person. They can't rule over you forever, and if you're able to do it on your own, then go for it. Present them what you can to convince them that you'll be fine, but let them know if they argue that ultimately its your decision and that you're going to be moving out whether or not they agree with it.

 

[NancyM]

I'm with Julie on this one...a detailed budget to present to them would be a great idea. The fact of the matter is that you're 18 and a legal adult...it's time for them to cut the strings and allow you to be your own person. They can't rule over you forever, and if you're able to do it on your own, then go for it. Present them what you can to convince them that you'll be fine, but let them know if they argue that ultimately its your decision and that you're going to be moving out whether or not they agree with it.

I don't know, I'm probably not the right person to ask on this, I want my son to live with us forever!! lol I know he's a smart person and very capable of taking care of himself. He works hard, makes his own money too and goes to school as well. He thinks about leaving sometimes and it's his life we know, It's just nice having him around.

Dadu...I hope you remember the advice you gave here when Delaney is 18 and wants to move out.! lol

 

[TabascoNatalie]

do you have any siblings? if you do, are you oldest or youngest?

some parents are just afraid of an "empty nest", some don't want to lose control. myself i faced quite a scandal at home when i was moving out. with conservative parents -- that's quite likely to happen. but be brave -- this scandal wouldn't be too long. after all, you're guy, and parents are usually more protective of girls.

maybe not much of a helpful advice, but i know a family where children bought their mother a dog before moving out.

 

[Andrew14]

What do you think is their main reasons are for not wanting you to move out? I'm guessing that you've talked to them about this somewhat in the past, is there anything they have verbalized? Are they going to miss you? Are they afraid you are going to party? Do they think that you can't handle it financially?

I guess they are just worried I'll fail. I've brought it up to them...kinda - things like "my friend has a room for rent" and "how much do most people spend on rent on a first place". Haven't sat down and laid out my plans though. I'd be moving about a half hour away, so it's not like I'd never ever see them. They probably think I'll party and get into some bad things, but to be honest, I literally don't have the time for that. I wake up at 5:30am for work, and am usually asleep by 11pm, except for Saturday nights. The only thing I do remotely close to partying is hanging out at peoples houses or going downtown, or smoking pot (helps me fall asleep).

What are your plans when you start school? Will you be able to afford living on your own and paying for school if you are working less? Is the work you do now seasonal? Will you be able to do the same work you are doing now on a reduced schedule while you are in school?

As far as the car goes, can you pay your dad off early? It's nice that he gave you a loan with such affordable payments! but if you can, I would go ahead and pay it off as fast as you can without throwing your budget out of whack.

Nothing should change too much. I'll cut back to about 30 hours a week, and since I'd be going to school at night, it wouldn't be a problem. I already have enough to pay for school, and with all the overtime I get during this summer I should be fine. The work is seasonal, but I'll keep at around 45 hours a week up untill September, then cut back until around March. I could pay it off right now, but that'd cut into the money I have set aside for school. I reeeeeally do not want to touch that money, because I don't want to be stuck doing landscaping forever.

Good luck and can't wait to hear how things go!

Thanks. Last question: how long before the day I move out should I tell them? As soon as possible? A week before? I don't want to live the next few weeks walking on egg shells because my parents are pissed that I'm leaving, but then again I don't want to be like "oh...so...I'm out next week."

do you have any siblings? if you do, are you oldest or youngest?

I have one brother (he's 21), so I'm the youngest (18). He's going to a university in town, and he can't afford to move out + pay for school.

---

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

 

[stjohnjulie]

Andrew, can you tell me why it is that you want to move out? I mean, I know the independence is great, but just wondering if you have any other reasons. Free rent, utilities, etc is an awesome thing As an older adult, I can tell you this So I guess I wouldn't pass that up without good reason. If you could take all the money you would spend on rent and utilities while you are in school, you would have a nice little pile of money by the time you graduate. Maybe even have enough for a down payment on a house once you get a job in your field.

But if you have already decided...then I would start talking to your parents about it now. Funny, when I moved out at 18.5, my folks seem surprised even though I said I was moving out of their house for several years. I even tried to get emancipated at 16 so I could get out. Anyhow, I would get them used to the idea as soon as you can because if you do fail, they are probably going to be the ones to catch you. You don't want to spring it on them at the last minute, ya know?

When do you plan on moving out?

 

[Dadu2004]

Dadu...I hope you remember the advice you gave here when Delaney is 18 and wants to move out.! lol

See...when it's my daughter it's a different story.

 

[NancyM]

See...when it's my daughter it's a different story.

Spoken like a true loving dad. lol Your daughter is beautiful.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Andrew, can you tell me why it is that you want to move out? I mean, I know the independence is great, but just wondering if you have any other reasons. Free rent, utilities, etc is an awesome thing As an older adult, I can tell you this

i lived with my parents when i was first year at university. there were good things, like free rent, fridge always full, and no need to worry about crazy roommates, who would play a vile prank on you, or steal from you. the worst thing parents can do is nagging, or yelling sometimes...but not much more.

BUT...a big BUT... living your life as a child you miss out on many things your peers do living without parents. you miss the whole STUDENT LIFE.

partying, having sex, coming home very late... parents don't aprove of that. but its a part of being young.

to Andrew, you're an adult man, so act like a man. don't be sneaky don't ask, don't beg... maybe serve your parents some coffee and say... mom, dad, i love your home, but i must live on my own now. Let them see where you go before you do. and if they scream at you, stay civilized

 

[Andrew14]

Andrew, can you tell me why it is that you want to move out?

Because it'd only be an extra $175 a month. And no, I'm not moving into a bad place. I actually caught quite a deal. No utilities, no lease, and I pay $175/month + do the guys yard work. We talked about it and he said he wouldn't let me do more than 4 hours a week. He has a small yard anyways, so no big deal.

I'm not thinking things like "OMG I HATE MY PARENTS. MUST LEAVE OMG! UNREASONABLE PARENTS ARGGGH! LET ME FLAP MY WINGS OOOOOMG!" like some teenagers I know.

When do you plan on moving out?

Either June 15th or June 30th. Really depends on how long I want to stay here after I tell my parents my plans.

to Andrew, you're an adult man, so act like a man. don't be sneaky don't ask, don't beg... maybe serve your parents some coffee and say... mom, dad, i love your home, but i must live on my own now. Let them see where you go before you do. and if they scream at you, stay civilized

If my car title wasn't in my dad's name, I'd be much more at ease telling them. But we bought it when I was 16, and I've been paying it off at an incredibly slow (simply because I had no reason to pay it off quickly) rate. When I do tell them, I'll probably just pay the rest of it off and ask my dad to transfer the title to me if I can't just keep paying it off slowly if my dad threatens to take it. So there really should be no problems as long as they stay reasonable...but...can't be too sure about that.

=/

 

[IADad]

Ihad a great relationship with my parents, never any friction. I moved out a couple of days before I started college and since then have only slept at their house 2 nights. They wanted mt o go out and live in the world, theywere in a position to help me do so. It was never in their makeup to try to keep me at home. They raised their kids to be successful and independent and that's what we did, that's what I'll do with my boys.

It's probably better to tell them sooner rather than later. You don't want to appear to be plotting against them or holding onto secrets. Look back at some of the things you wrote, those are perfect things to tell them (about how you care about them, don't want to cause problems or hav a fight.) It's simple it's time for you to go.

I appreciate your candor about alcohol, but a little confused about how you can say you won't again. I also appreciate your candor about pot use, but why do you say "it helps me fall asleep." Really? You eed it? or you like it? Are you saying that because you figure we're a bunch of parents and that'd fly better with us? It strikes me as moderately dangerous, that you have to justify it.

I'm not tryo to preach to you, just saying if you've had problems with substance abuse before, just be sure you're being honest with yourself. I'd hate to see you fall into a habit that's going to scuttle all your plans.

 

[Andrew14]

I appreciate your candor about alcohol, but a little confused about how you can say you won't again.

I used to go out nearly every weekend and get super wasted, one night I got super sick, vomited everywhere, passed out, woke up in vomit, and since then whenever I even so much as bring a beer near my face I get queasy. Never really drank liquor besides shots at parties, so I never really got "into" it. And I figure, what's the point of starting? I have nothing at all against it, of course, I just don't want to drink simply because...I don't feel like it. Plus there's the fact that I'm underage, so getting alcohol is annoying. Hell, I can get pot quicker than I can get alcohol.

I also appreciate your candor about pot use, but why do you say "it helps me fall asleep." Really? You eed it? or you like it? Are you saying that because you figure we're a bunch of parents and that'd fly better with us? It strikes me as moderately dangerous, that you have to justify it.
I'm not tryo to preach to you, just saying if you've had problems with substance abuse before, just be sure you're being honest with yourself. I'd hate to see you fall into a habit that's going to scuttle all your plans.

It does help me go to sleep (aka get stoned and go fall asleep), especially on Sunday nights where I'll stay up later than normal Saturday since I don't have to get up for work on Sunday morning. But I do smoke pretty much whenever I'm with my friends who smoke weed.

Also, I really doubt I have any serious type of dependence on it, since every few months I'll take a break from smoking for a few weeks to lower my tolerance so that I don't have to smoke as much weed, and in turn save money. Weed [for me, at least] has no real "withdrawal", I'll just have thoughts like "Alright...time to smoke. Wait, no, tolerance break!"

Smoking pot is already a habit, and I do just fine. Not trying to trick you/me/anything, it's just the truth.

---

Anyways, to get back on topic, I'll probably talk to my parents tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for all the advice everyone.

 

[NancyM]

Hmmm sorry Andrew I'd be concerned if I was your parent. I know it won't stop you from doing what you want. That big '18' and all, but I'd be concerned just the same.

My son went through his "experimental" time with pot, and it was scary. He also claimed it helped him sleep, I suggested he drink a little warm milk w/honey, before bed and not stay up till 2/3 am playing violent and action packed video games with his friends that might work too...but he was 18 years old, and what do I know??

 

[MomoJA]

I'm with NancyM. Most of what you say makes me think you are an intelligent, reasonable, realistic young man. And I wouldn't necessarily advise you to stay put, though I do think you need to do this with every possible attempt to protect your relationship with your parents. That has to be more important than a few years living on your own, or anything else fleeting and really insignificant in the scheme of things.

However, your flippant attitude toward smoking pot has me wondering how realistic you actually are. I know that many young people do smoke pot and manage to maintain other aspects of their lives. I know they eventually grow out of that stage, or at least use less and less frequently. I respect that you are being honest about your current and future use of pot.

But there is something about the way you describe your use that raises red flags for me. It smacks of denial and close-mindedness. It does not come across as realistic. As I've said, I expect a lot of young people do and will continue to smoke pot, but you need to be realistic about how it affects you and how and why you use it, and with whom. Be aware of your patterns of use and be realistic about what those patterns tell you.

There is also something a bit fishy about the deal you've gotten on your rent. Either you aren't telling all, or your landlord isn't telling all, or you've got the deal of a lifetime. If my son or daughter presented me with that scenario, I'd have the landlord investigated and in the meantime, do everything in my power to keep my child away from him/her. I'd suspect ulterior motives. I'd hope I was wrong, but it is my job as a parent to be wary of these sorts of too-good-to-be-true situations. They generally are too good to be true.

 

[singledad]

Also, I really doubt I have any serious type of dependence on it, since every few months I'll take a break from smoking for a few weeks to lower my tolerance so that I don't have to smoke as much weed, and in turn save money. Weed [for me, at least] has no real "withdrawal", I'll just have thoughts like "Alright...time to smoke. Wait, no, tolerance break!"

Smoking pot is already a habit, and I do just fine. Not trying to trick you/me/anything, it's just the truth.

Oh my. Alarm bells galore.

I'm not going to lecture you, because I think everything has been said. Let me just say that if you were my kid, I'd be worried sick.

Seriously dude, of course you don't get withdrawal. Pot isn't exactly known for its ugly withdrawal symptoms. But all your being able to stop proves, is that you are not physically dependent on it. Congratulations and all that. Being able to stop for a few weeks doesn't mean a thing, though. If you were as in control as you claim to be, then why do you keep on breaking the law? If you don't need pot, why can't you just use some Vallarian root when you struggle to fall asleep?

 

[teenage_parent]

i think you should move out. whatever mistake you make, you carry the burden. it's your mistake, live with the consequences. besides, the more they hold you back the more you would want to break free.

as far as i see it, they did just fine raising you. i mean, for you to still be concerned about how they will feel about you moving out means you still respect them in ways that not many teenagers do their parents nowadays.

you know the value of work, that's why you are working. you're in school so that means you know the value of education. i bet there are more.

the weed thing, i think you need to quit because organic or not, it's still a vice but that's just me.

at the end of the day, it's your life and you are old enough to handle it. you do something stupid, you shoulder the consequences.

but i'm a teenage dad, probably not wise to listen to me.

 

[JBKB3]

hmm.. I only wish I had this problem when I was your age. My parents wanted me out of the house. haha.

When I turned 18 and graduated highschool I went into the military and left for boot camp by August that year and did not return home until April the following year. I stayed with them briefly until they moved a couple states away.

Growing up I saw my sisters move in and out... in and out... over and over. I didn't want to be like that.

I know at that age you want the independence and your own rules and if your housing deal works out that doesn't sound too bad.

If you want to be an adult, sit down and talk to them like an adult. As mentioned show them your budget, discuss the car situation and your housing arrangements. But listen to what they have to say as well, and if you don't agree give them valid reasons why. I am sure you can get it worked out.

They may not like the idea, but if you approach them like and adult and show them you are capable perhaps they will at least give you their blessing. And of course loving parents will be there if you fall.... but it may come with a few told you so's.

Now that I am older, I wish I would have listened to my father more.

JB

 

[lodestone123]

You sound like a son that they should be proud of. I think if you make them part of the process - get them to help you find a place, plan the budget and even talk about how they will remain in your life - it may put their concerns to rest. Sthohnjulie has the right approach on this.

 

[kassy17]

I have a very similar question only im a 17 year old girl.. my question is how do I tell my dad that I am moving out?
Im going to school and will graduate in june, I have a place lined up to live-its with my older sister (my mother has made it towhere my father loathes her) I want to know how to tell my dad im leaving to live with her without ruining our relationship?