Temper Tantrums...

[Aimee McIntyre]

Is there an easy way to stop children from taking temper tantrums because Kate is very bad for taking tantrums, even in public, to say I was embarrassed is an understatement :-(?

The worst one in public was outside School. She wanted to go round to her friends house but I said no so she took a tantrum outside the gate, she started to cry loudly and kept saying to me "I want to go to my friends house", I ignored her but she just started crying louder, other children were coming out of the School and were looking at her so I said to her very firmly "Kate, stop crying, people are looking at you and seeing you cry like a baby!!" but she just said "I don't care" and continued to cry so I started to walk home with her , when we got inside I sent her straight up to her room until she had calmed down which was an hour later. When she had calmed down she came downstairs and said sorry for taking a tantrum, I then said to her "thats ok sweetheart but you were very silly, other kids saw you crying, you are too big to be crying", then I gave her a hug and kiss.

She takes a lot of tantrums in house as well but I just send her to her room until she has calmed down, her dad has been known to use naughty corner when she takes a tantrum and has even smacked her on occasion but I don't believe in smacking her and every time I have used naughty corner, I can't get her to stay on it.

 

[cybele]

"People are watching" never worked on me either, I cottoned on pretty quickly that every time my mother said that, it meant that she was embarrassed, I didn't care, so embarrassing her made my tantrum more effective. As I got older I used to just throw them to embarrass her. Very effective. I got so many Corgi Cars that way.

Short of that though, my understanding of why an issue escalates into a tantrum is the child feeling like they are not being heard. After she calms down, what is the follow through on the topic of tantrum, rather then the tantrum itself? Did you discuss with her, calmly, why she couldn't go to her friend's house?

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

Not sure what you mean when you ask what follow through of tantrum is?

I did explain why she couldn't go to her friends house but she wasn't taking me on. The reason she couldn't go round was because the friends parents want to know in advance that someone is going round to their house so I phoned the parents that night so she got round after School the next day, she would have got round at night but couldn't as it was her Guides night.

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

Sometimes just the smallest thing sets her off.

A few times she has taken one because I wouldn't tie her shoe laces for her, she can tie her own shoelaces but is very lazy and wants it done for her, she will take a tantrum until I tie them for her, she usually gets her way as I don't want us to be late for School. She has also taken one if, when she decides her coat needs zipped, I don't zip it for her, that one she just gives up with and does it herself, I will help her if she has trouble but she is too lazy and wants things done for her, even if she can do them herself.

 

[singledad]

Well, firstly, her tantrums work. She gets what she wants. So to get her to stop, she needs to learn two things - 1, how to make herself heard in a good way. That will involve a lot of guiding and teaching from you, which would include yiu showing her that if she asks properly, you will not only give your full attention to her, but you will also really consider what she asks. Just saying no, will not make her feel like she's been heard. Entering into a discussion about the difficulties, and possible alternatives (perhaps she can go to her friend's house tomorrow?) will.

2, she needs to learn that tantrums don't work. I take the attitude that I can't understand you if you're crying, but I'll listen as soon as you calm down and talk properly. And if you keep acting like a baby, I'll take you home and put you in bed like a baby. My daughter never throws tantrums these days, because she knows it's the easiest and quickest way to NOT get what she wants. She's 7. She's welcoje to ask. I'm even prepared to give her a chance to convince me to say yes when my initial reaction is no. But I do expect her to ask like a big girl, and that is that.

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

She took one this afternoon because she couldn't get to watch tv, her dad explained to her that he wanted to watch football on Sky and that there was games on right through the day.

He also said to her that he would consider missing a couple of games if she stopped crying but she wasn't taking him on so she went onto naughty corner until she calmed down

She came over after she had calmed down and asked again, this time calmly, but he still said no because she hadn't obeyed him earlier on so another tantrum was taken, this time though he smacked her and sent her to her room, she cryed for a long time because the smack was sore.

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

She took one this afternoon because she couldn't get to watch tv, her dad explained to her that he wanted to watch football on Sky and that there was games on right through the day.

He also said to her that he would consider missing a couple of games if she stopped crying but she wasn't taking him on so she went onto naughty corner until she calmed down

She came over after she had calmed down and asked again, this time calmly, but he still said no because she hadn't obeyed him earlier on so another tantrum was taken, this time though he smacked her and sent her to her room, she cryed for a long time because the smack was sore.

 

[akmom]

I agree with Singledad. You have to show her that tantrums don't work, and that reasonable requests do. That doesn't mean that you say yes every time she asks nicely, but that you'll consider her request and follow through.

For example, she wants to go to a friend's house. You say no, and explain why. Then negotiate with her when she CAN go to a friend's house, by agreeing to set up a time with the friend's parent, and in the meantime give her a chance to earn the privilege. (I like to give my kids a list of chores and let them choose one.)

On the other hand, if she throws a tantrum, tell her you aren't going to negotiate a playdate at all. Just send her to her room and let her cry until she's bored of it.

Peer pressure might discourage tantrums, but you as a parent pointing it out won't. She knew as well as you that people were watching. Don't let on that you care.

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

I did explain to her why she couldn't go round after I had said no but since she likes to get her own way, she just took her tantrum.

I did send her to her room when got home as she cryed the whole way home, I tend not to send her to bed, I also don't agree with smacking her so only punishment I give out is to send her to her room.

She has been told numerous times that I can't understand her when she is crying, she cries quite a lot, again, just the slightest thing sets her off, one she cries at a lot is when I say she can't eat anymore biscuits as they are bad for her, I have a limit on how much she can eat.

Tbh, my opinion is, for a 7yr old she cries far to much and takes far to many tantrums for a 7yr old, I have told her that she needs to stop crying and taking tantrums as "she is now a big girl".

 

[TabascoNatalie]

That "big girl" thing may backfire
I used to say things like to my oldest. Then the baby brother came

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

The only reason I said that was to get her to stop crying to much, I say to her quite a lot "you are a big girl now, big girls don't cry".

 

[Maser]

Only advice I can give is never give into her! I am sensing a power struggle here. You have obviously given into her tantrums in the past or else she wouldn't continue to use them to win battles against you. Remember as a parent you HAVE to be a parent first and friend second.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

The only reason I said that was to get her to stop crying to much, I say to her quite a lot "you are a big girl now, big girls don't cry".

Yeah, but babies cry as much as they want and all adults are doing, is jumping around to make them happy. And then try to explain to an older child why is it bad to act like a baby

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

She took one today because I told her to get off my knee as it was getting sore so the "big girl" quote didn't work :-( :-(.

I just said to her "sweetheart, can you get off my knee as its getting sore, you will get back on it later on" but she just started to cry and said "I want to stay on your knee", I just said back "but its sore, you will get back on later" but she just stormed upstairs crying, so the explanation of why she had to get off didn't work, I sense her taking many more tantrums, I am embarrassed that my 7yr old cries far to much, she even cries in public and has also cryed at School.

 

[SouthJersy]

My and I feel strongly about "rules" both at home rules and in public rules. We have family meetings with out daughters they are 10 and 7. We have discussed with them that following the rules results in rewards not following rules results in consequences. One public rule is "no tantrums". So they already know if they are in public and try the tantrum route they will for sure not get what ever it is they are trying to get. Of course not always perfect but being consistent is key.

 

[akmom]

Well, that technique always worked for me. So maybe it's more about the attention a tantrum gets her, than getting the thing she is asking for. If that's the case, then maybe you should give only brief explanations for saying no, and then ignore the tantrum. And of course, make sure you are giving her the attention she needs when she is not having a tantrum.

Or perhaps you give in to tantrums more than you realize?

The thing I noticed is that kids don't always know why they are throwing a tantrum. They just know they're upset, and so if anything goes wrong, they throw a tantrum about "that." Kind of like adults who are angry about one thing will sometimes have a short fuse about everything. For kids, I think that "real reason" is most often fatigue. But it might be a need for attention. (My oldest had an almost unquenchable need for attention.) It could be tricky to tease out and address the real reason. Maybe it's something at school? Give her lots of opportunity to talk about her thoughts and how her day went, and maybe you'll notice a recurrent theme.

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

She hasn't taken a tantrum ever since me and her dad split up a couple of days ago so that is a bonus plus she is a lot happier, even at School .

 

[akmom]

Has he been in her life the whole seven years? I can't imagine that losing him would be that smooth a transition, even if they had a rocky relationship. Has some kind of interim custody been arranged? Does she feel like she matters to him? Are you staying in the same home?

It sounds like he needs some kind of counseling to learn how to relate positively with his child. I don't think a simple separation is going to be the end of all her behavioral quirks...

Keep us posted on how you guys are doing!

 

[singledad]

Yup, kids always start missing parents after a while. Even bad ones. Even flat-out abusive ones...

 

[Aimee McIntyre]

I wouldn't say that she doesn't miss him because she does, she enjoyed him tucking her into bed and reading her bedtime stories and his comforting when she needed comforted.

She hasn't taken any temper tantrums since he left and has even had her coat zipped up a lot more, she says that is because she isn't made to do it, it is her choice.

She does ask about her dad sometimes, she asks where he is and if he will come back. I tell her that I don't know where he is because I don't know and that he may come back someday but for the moment, its just me and her, she usually has a wee cry once I've said that but only for a minute or two.