the blame game 16 years old...

[Artimus33]

Hi all,
I need advice and help. 16 year old girls make most parents want to pull their hair out. And that's where I'd be at if it was not all falling out already.
But here's the issue I could really use some help on. My 16 year old girl is still blaming the whole world for all the choices she makes. Just the constant story of, it's not my fault, no one cares about me, I have feelings and no one cares.
So, when she comes home with a 65 in English class (she was on the honor roll before). She now blames her teacher and says she is anxiety every day. Yet she is over 80 in the classes she wants to do.
She's been told by people in her life that she must have a problem with anxiety and she should be pampered because she can't cope with daily life.
I think she wants to believe them because that gets her out of doing the stuff she does not want to do. I have taken her to professionals and they do nit say there is anything wrong with her. She does not want to take part in Counselling as it forces her to deal with the issues at hand.
So, when she came home with the English mark, I was sick of hearing how it's the teachers fault for teaching her wrong. So I asked her to write me a paper. She could chose one of 2 topics. 1. What the teacher was doing wrong and her supporting theroy on what was being done wrong. Or 2. What SHE was doing wrong in class and her supporting theroy on what she could do to improve.
Well, I know I was not going to get something super great out of it but what I got was what I feared the most. She handed in her paper to me last night and it was a 3 page sarcastic rant about how kids need to learn that they are inferior to everyone and to just shut up and have no feelings. How a grade of 65 will run in her whole life and she needs to learn to be a robot and just do school work. No one cares about her and no one believes she has anxiety. And if she just leans to be inferior to the world around her everyone would like her better.
Ok. Enough of that rant. You get the point. The fact that the whole paper was written sasarcasticly, we'll, I know where she learnt that. It was me. I am sarcastic. A trait that is just aimed at getting your point across. Not always a positive trait.
However, the poor me attitude, it's still everyone else who is being mean to me attitude, the world owes me because I hurt attitude, that's what concerns me. Her father is 40 years old and still behaves that way. 2 years ago we divorced and this was a major reason. Every day it was someone else's fault why he couldn't keep a job, or pay bills or be honest.
my fear is that she has learned these behaviors from him and will just carry it into adulthood and figure it's ok. I realize that some of these behaviors present themselves in kids this age. But I am so worried she won't grow out of it and take responsibility for her own choices without consistently blaming others.
Even if I can not fix this, how do I live with it or deal with it?

 

[cybele]

If she is adamant that she has anxiety issues, and there are people around her who believe the same thing then she needs to have that taken seriously.

 

[artmom]

I agree with Cybele.
A 65 is not a failing grade. sometimes a teacher can have an impact on how well you do. If she is getting good grade in her other subjects, either you're putting a ton of pressure on her to get those grades and she's getting away with cheating in her other classes (I would really look into that.) or she is having a tough time with her class and she is frustrated to no end that you won't listen to her because you feel a teenager is not worth listening to. How do you know this essay you got her to write is sarcastic? She's pouring her heart out and screaming for you to understand and your just using sarcasm and fluffing it off. Anxiety is a real issue with teenagers these days. Take her to her doctor or get her to see the school guidance counsellor.
Also, I think another, bigger, issue here is you. At the end of your post you admit that you are noticing negative traits in your daughter that you associate with her dad. I hope you don't tell her that. She is learning communication skills from the both of you and you all need to work on better dialogue. This is not about her grades. This is about communicating better as a family.

 

[akmom]

I think a lot of people have a tendency to do that. When my kids or clients do it, I redirect them with "What are we going to do about it?"

Sometimes people get really hung up on how things got to where they are, and they just can't seem to move forward. So then I throw them a bone: "Unfortunately these things often happen when such-and-such occurs [insert weather, economic disaster, etc.]." Basically I acknowledge that it could have been prompted by something beyond their control. The correlation can be really loose, as long as it has some real truth to it. It takes them off the defensive.

Then I quickly direct them to solutions again. Some people seem more content coming to the conclusion that it's not their fault, than actually correcting the problem. Discussing options in detail, including pros and cons, can help force them back into solution-mode.

Lastly I am sure to give credit anywhere I can find it. If they have made any efforts or done anything right, I definitely point it out. This is actually worthless information (they are paying me for solutions, not validation for what's already done). But for some people, the need for validation is so great that they will seek it out even more than the services for which they are actually paying me. So I often have to use it.

I use it in reverse too. If they are doing something wrong or counterproductive, I acknowledge their train of thought and how it makes sense, then present my refutation like a trivia question. I try to make it interesting. I phrase it as if it is shocking and counterintuitive, but explain why, in fact, their "logical" efforts are probably working against them and need to be changed. I've had good success with this.

Of course these are adults, who are financially invested in a solution, so it is a little different than a teen who maybe doesn't care that much about an English grade. But I think it could still be a useful approach. Validate and redirect. Bounce between the two as necessary, but make sure you always end with redirection.

For me as a professional, it would not be acceptable to leave a client with the message that there's nothing left to do, but at least it wasn't their fault. That would be the ultimate professional failure. So I can't. I also can't call them out on their bull*** either. And I kind of take that attitude with my kids too. But there's less of an obligation to be professional about it. So you have to resolve to treat them that way. And it's a little harder, but people respond much better if you do. You can't be sarcastic or call them out on their bull*** in a disrespectful manner and expect to make headway.

Hope that helps.