The ex...

[newlystepped]

So, this step-parenting thing is kind of hard. Who knew? (Kidding ...)

In my case, so far, my relationship with the kids is great. It's the back-and-forth between Mom and Dad that's a bit rough. Does anyone have suggestions on dealing with the ex? (And things are relatively fresh, so this is new for everyone involved.)

I found this passage from Dr. Phil (kind of cheesy, I suppose) that seemed to hit at some underlying issues I'm just realizing:

The stepmother or -father should actively support the chid's relationship with the biological mother or father no longer in the home. If you are in the role of stepfather, you should make it a priority to nurture a relationship between you and the biological father and to find every possible way you can to support a relationship between him and his children. By taking the high road of facilitation, you'll find it easier to overcome feelings of resentment both on the part of the biological father and the children he no longer has daily access to. This may require some real internal commitment on your part, because supporting your stepchildren's relationship with their biological but absent parent may seem tantamount to also supporting that parent's relationship with your spouse. Don't let jealousy or envy of the bond they share with their children or the working relationship and history with your current mate cause you to be less than supportive of that relationship.​

You know? It's tough at times to accept the daily relationship my girlfriend and her ex have around the kids. No matter how well I get along with the kiddos, I'll never be in the that parent loop. Some days that feels like a big gap. Suggestions on dealing with that jealousy?

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

Take it one day at a time.
Nothing happens overnight.

Its not personal (in most cases) and do the best that you can.
Be honest and open with your significant other.

 

[newlystepped]

Thanks! And you're right ... patience, patience.

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

Something that we practice in our house.

While the child(ren) are around, never speak ill, regardless of the feelings toward the biological parent. If the kid thinks mommy or daddy is the best person in the world, say that you think they are awesome as well, no matter how you feel.
Don't discuss the jealousy, or unsatisfactory feelings about their relationship or that person in front of the kid(s).

I would personally say that its never easy with the feelings. The biological parent (the ex) is a constant reminder of a past relationship. Just keep your communication lines open and focus on your relationship with the kids and then your marriage.

 

[STEPMOMNTRANING]

It is definately easy to fall in to the strain of "what ifs" when you have to see/talk to/hear about the children's biological other parent. I think the quote by Dr. Phil hits the nail right on the head (I am an avid fan, as I love psychology).
I have very much actively persued communication with my step-sons mother, and I feel it has been very beneficial. I think that it allows for trust of the other parent, and shows that you seek interest in having a healthy, productive relationship with the other parent as well. It may even go so far as to show that you have the child's best interests at heart.

I hope this somewhat helps.

 

[tadamsmar]

I have 3 grown step-kids but I don't recall feeling envious.

The step dads did not typically have daily interactions. Two of the kids were half time with us, they moved every weekend during the early years.

The youngest had a dad who had limited custody so he was with us except for some weekends. He was 2 when I married in and we have a close relationship now.

I'd say just develop your parenting skills. If you are skillful at parenting, the step kids will like you and value their relationship with you, and it's best for the kids.

We eventually had a kid of our own.

 

[parentastic]

No matter how well I get along with the kiddos, I'll never be in the that parent loop. Some days that feels like a big gap. Suggestions on dealing with that jealousy?

Why do you assume you will never be in the loop?
There are countless step parents who end up being deeply loved and attached to their step children, and some who are even often chosen and preferred over a bio parent, over time. (and often, that creates jealousy from the bio parent).

Nothing is set in stone, unless you are so sure you don't make the effort required to build the attachment...

 

[STEPMOMNTRANING]

I can also relate to being scared of not having the same level of relationship that the bio parents have with their child(ren). I came in to the relationship when SS was 8, and come to terms with the idea that my relationship with my SS is most likely not going to be as deep and developed as him and his father and mother. It's hard to feel that way because I currently don't have my own children, and I long for that deep connection/bond that you have with your child from day one.

 

[Firerose76]

I can relate. Even though my husband and the ex despised each other most of the time, there were times when they talked on the phone and laughed about something kid-related. I felt left out and jealous too. I'm not sure about how you said "daily activities" though, because the only time Dad and Mom see each other are at exchange points. I can't imagine dealing with that daily. I also remember that my husband would be so focused on spending time with his daughter, that he would inadvertently leave me out of activities. I just sat him down and told him all of my feelings and he was very understanding. Just remember, she's new to all of this too and might have no idea what you're feeling. Hang in there though, it gets better!

 

[new_stepmommy]

I can absolutely relate to this as well! It's really hard when the BF is on the phone with his ex, or dropping the kids off with her.

I have a hard time knowing that they were a family first, and as it stands, she has with my BF what I want more than anything else in this world.. a family.

Be open and honest with your feelings, openly communicating fears and thoughts about this whole thing has been the best bet so far, at least for me.

Have you voiced your thoughts on all of this?

 

[Firerose76]

Yes, my husband and I have very good communication and he understands how hard it is. He has said thank you on many occasions for enduring the constant battle with BM and doing my best to be a good mom to his daughter.

 

[Mom2all]

One of my Dad's "most profound moment stories" was when I was little and he and my Mom divorced. They were arguing and he was telling her not to come out and visit that day. I ran into the woods and he followed me. He said he was telling me how hard it was on him and that he should have rights. The I said, "I'm just a little girl, don't I have rights too?"
Dad called Mom back and told her to come any day she wanted from that point on, he'd even help her get there if she needed it.

My heart children's Mom, ( I hate the word Step), was very mean to me in the beginning. I won't even go into the nastiness. She'd lost her parental rights before me because of addiction. But I remember needing my Mom so I called her myself and I made a pact with her. If she was straight and could remain clean for the day, I'd go pick her up and take her to the park or where ever and supervise her from a distance. She didn't make it very often because it was hard for her to stay clean long enough but we did have several nice days in the park.

It was hard. I was supporting them. I was tucking them in. I was doing the school thing, date thing, rearing thing, loving thing. I was paying for the lunch they had on the picnics I planned with their Mom and I was sitting alone on a blanket while they enjoyed each other. She still talked a little crap about me. She didn't make it easy. And they, by nature put her on a pedestal and loved her more than air... while I was just Kelly.

She died of an overdose a few years ago. Watching them go through her death and their grief, I'd do anything if I could have prevented that. I think about it now. I get to watch Sean when he walks across the stage, I get to see Jon's first baby when it comes into the world, I get to help Katherine put on her white dress one day. That woman that made my life a little harder gave me the best gift of all. They are mine. Funny.. for their sake, I'd rather we still shared them.

Children need to be put first. Parents need to set their feelings aside, not matter how hard. In the end, they'll realize what you've been through for their sake.

 

[Mommyof4in11]

Be patient it will come you have nothing to be jealous over. Just remember you walked into this relationship knowing that she had a child and an ex. They will always and I mean always have to communicate because of that child. There will be graduations, birthdays, holidays and births. You have to understand and except that first. Once you do that then this jealous feeling just goes away. They have to put the child first and any partners they may have second. I hate to put it that way but you have to come second. I understand that I come second to my husband where his children are concerned and that he comes second to where my two children are concerned. We have made that a priorty for the last 10 years and it has worked. It was ruff to start blending two families we both had custody of our children and 8 years later adding two of our own to the mix. Talk to your wife let her know your feelings. She can't read your mind and she might not know that you feel this way. Let her in your little circle and then she can help you make a bond with that child. Hang in there and keep your chin up it will get better.