the "L" word...

[Antoinette]

i have been with Tim for 2 months and 11 days now and it is getting a little more serious... (we have not slept together yet.. i am not rushing into anything after David) anyway two months is not a very long time right? well he keeps dropping hints like he is about to say "i love you" he keeps saying things like "i love youtube" and laughing and I'm like "hahaha, mmm" and then changing the subject.. I'm not ready for "I love you" i like him a lot but i don't know if i "love" him because it's such a big deal, i don't want to rush into saying it.. i have a serious ex and two babies i can't just get into anything too quickly.

what do you think??

 

[NancyM]

Hi Antoinette, I love that name by the way, it was my sister's.

I think you need to take more time, if you rush into the love and sex thing you will probably regret it and that wouldn't be fair to you or Tim if you don't have those same feelings.

I think he's a really nice guy to wait so long ... I also think you have to tell him this again so he has a chance to decide what he wants to do. Men and woman interpret the act of love making very differently. We (woman) apply a zillion feelings to all that gushy business, and guys simply don't! I mean this in a good way not to offend the men here.

Just keep the conversation open, and try not to shut him out by brushing off his subtle attempts or he may feel like your stringing him along.

Good Luck, hope this helps some

 

[Dadu2004]

You move at the timetable that is comfortable for you and for what you think is best for your family. If you're not comfortable with "love" just yet, then I suggest that you be up front...tell him exactly how you're feeling. If you set the expectations now, it will be far easier for you two in the future.

 

[Susanwest]

Take your time, when it feels right it will be right, you can't rush these things. Enjoy it

 

[Antoinette]

Thanks Nancy.. i like my name too lol.

yeah, i know i need to talk to him about it but i feel like i will be hurting him more by sitting down and saying " i don't love you yet" or "I'm not ready for the commitment that comes with the word love" even though both of those things are true but i am more reserved now because i have been in this situation before with David and i ended up alone with a 14 month old son and an unborn daughter. and now he is 19 months and she is nearly 4 months so i am trying to take it slow for there sake. the last thing we need is a brother or sister for them.

 

[NancyM]

Your right to take it slow Antoinette, you seem to be doing all the right things and are very considerate as well.

Just try to think how you would feel if you were Tim, would you rather he kept you guessing because, he didn't want to hurt your feelings?

Or, do you think you would have liked to had the chance to make your own decision even if you were hurt?

Hurting people we care about is always hard, but I think Tim will respect you for it, and he will know that he can always trust you to be honest with the important things.

Good luck. I'll say a little prayer for you.

 

[sbattisti]

I would suggest this: don't wait to talk about this until he says "I love you" and you feel compelled to reply. Find a time to talk, and proactively explain kind of where you are. Make sure you include a lot about how much you enjoy spending time with him, how awesome he is, and how much you want to see that grow.

But, equally, let him know that you've been burned badly in the past, and how you feel about the word love and so on.

You may have already done that, but it's just a suggestion.

At the same time, too, at some point you will need to get a sense of when you will be ready. Not that you need a specific timeline, but there is likely a fine line between "taking things slow" and "fear of moving forward." I'm not talking specifically about sex, mind you. Just, as things progress, David may need some reassurance that things are, in actuality, moving FORWARD and not just stuck in gear.

Good luck!

~s

 

[IADad]

I agree that you probably shouldn't let this fester and be awkward too long. You feel the awkwardness, ne obviously senses it as he dances around it.

I'd suggest an easy way to head this off is the next time he makes a little "almost saying love" joke that you gently but firmly grab his face, look nto his eyes and tell him something like - "You're a great guy and I care very much about you. But I'm not at a place in my life where I have the capacity to let myself love anyone yet. I have my kids to take care of and I'm working on building the best future I can for myself and them. Thank you for being so dear and patient. You're very special to me and I hope to have you here in my life.

I'm thinking that way you're being clear, you're not hurting him, you're not saying you don't or can't love him, just it's not right now.

Now, whether he actually blurts out that he loves you, is really up to him. You can control what he feels or says. But either wayy you can convey the same caring message in response. If you do it before he actually says it, you might save him some embarrassment.

 

[Antoinette]

that's what I'm most worried about. i don't want him to go saying he loves me when i can't say it back because the embarrassment might make him back away which would hurt too because i do like him a lot i just don't think i love him yet..
i don't think i am afraid of saying it per se but i think that je ne veux pas être dans une situation où je le dis avant que je le signifie..

 

[Antoinette]

oops lol... i mean i don't want to be in a situation where i have to say it before i truly mean it because it will ruin it when it is real. i have rushed into love before so i want it to be allowed time to grow and develop this time before it is spoken..

and on the sex thing I don't think I'm scared of sex. just cautious. when your a single mother to two babies at the age of 18 you think more carefully i think and consider ALL the repercussions of sex... i have explained this and he says he understands but i do have a feeling me may be becoming impatient but i also think he will wait till I'm ready because he does genuinely seem to understand

 

[Hartz75]

i am more reserved now because i have been in this situation before with David and i ended up alone with a 14 month old son and an unborn daughter. and now he is 19 months and she is nearly 4 months so i am trying to take it slow for there sake. the last thing we need is a brother or sister for them.

Try telling him exactly what you said here, tweeked a little, but he sounds like a good guy so this might help him to understand more and maybe he will slow down to your pace.

 

[IADad]

LOL that you flippe into French in the middle of the sentence...if you were Tish that'd drive him crazy...(and a cyber cookie to the first person who gets that joke.)

Communicating about feelings is always a tricky thing, but it only get's trickier the more that is not said. In the absence of communication he'd left to interpret your words and your actions. And the bottom line is you can't blame a guy for trying, it's nice that he truly has been patient. I think ANYBODY with two kids, would be carefully considering the repercussions of sex, so you're being wize. Of course you have plenty of ways of expressing physical intimacy (sorry, not trying to sound stuffy, just trying to keep this at least PG rated) if you choose to. I think the communicatio thing is your first step. Moving on to more intimate phyiscal contact, without being sure you've been exactly clear on your feelings will only lead to further confusion on his part (maybe happy confusion, but confusion nonetheless.)

 

[Antoinette]

haha, yeah i do that sometimes when I'm not thinking i just sort of switch languages...


yeah, i do know i have to tell him how i feel, i am just avoiding it because i don't want to lol... i will do it the next time he says something similar to "I love you" though

 

[Choppy]

Out of curiosity - how do you see the act of saying the words "I love you" changing things in your relationship?

Will it imply a higher level of committment to this person than you have now? Does it interfere with your personal growth at a time when it's important to define your independence? Or is it a question of feeling like you're being forced into a place where honesty will hurt the other person?

 

[Antoinette]

no i just feel that love is a strong emotion and it should not be said until it is true so since i don't feel it yet i am not going to say it, so if he said it and i couldn't reciprocate the feeling it would not be fair on him or me

 

[Father_0f_7]

Take your time, you deserve the best and if you aren't ready to say it he hopefully will understand.


Ok, I have to ask...in you sig pic is that woman carrying a dog like a baby?

 

[Antoinette]

haha yes that would be my mother and that dog is her life. he has him own room. he get's his own mean served up each night (what ever they are having) he is very spoiled. it's sad really haha

 

[IADad]

haha yes that would be my mother and that dog is her life. he has him own room. he get's his own mean served up each night (what ever they are having) he is very spoiled. it's sad really haha

Well, as long as he's not breastfeeding....LOL

 

[NancyM]

lol ok that was funny IADad.

I saw the dog too. It's a sweet picture. (His own Room? lucky. I always say I'd like to reincarnated into a dog lover's dog, what a life)

Now Antoinette back to the issue.
I hate to see so much pressure going on here with you two. You guys are so young, you should just be enjoying each other and living happy.

Go with your feelings, but you really have to tell him how you feel only because like everyone said, he's interpreting something different and doesn't know what the heck to do.

The sooner you get "IT" out in the open, the better your relationship will be. Of course Tim may choose to move on, or he may be fine with the way you feel.

It seems like your feeling pressured that you need to say I love you, and that you should be doing something in the sex category. (I don't know how else to say that lol) All this worry is taking away the good time you both should be having, just mention how you are feeling before it gets way of control. .... go on do it now

 

[Antoinette]

as much as i hate to admit it i know your right, talking about emotion has never been a strong point of mine though lol