To be or not to be......

[alifelikethat]

<r>Hello everyone,<br/>
<br/>
Please read this. I need some advice. <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
15 years ago I entered into a relationship with a woman who had a 6 month old son. The boy’s paternal father moved away when he was 4 months old and has never made any attempt to be in the child’s life since.<br/>
From 1999 until 2012 I was the primary father figure in the boy’s life. I did everything from changing his diapers to walking him to school and taking him to camp etc as any normal father would do. His first written word was Dad and to him I was just that. I was and continue to be the only father he had ever known.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
The relationship I had with his mother was never a good one and although we had a daughter together in 2005, as a couple we were never meant to last. We separated the fall of 2011.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
I began a relationship with a woman I had known as a teenager. I am 40 years old now. She is mid 30’s. She and I shared a connection since the first time we met years ago, and although we grew apart in our 20’s we had now come full circle and entered into a relationship. I was happier than I had ever been. When I am with her I am on top of the world. We have made so many wonderful memories and traveled together often in the 3 years we have been together. Traveling is something I’ve always wanted to do but traveling with my X just never felt right so we rarely ever went anywhere together. However everything in life was better when I was with my new girlfriend. I was never more sure about what I wanted out of life. I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life next to her.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
A few quick details about my current girlfriend. She was recently separated and entering into a divorce when we met. She has three wonderful children, aged between 5 and 13, who have a father that is in the picture and takes care of his children’s basic needs but doesn’t take the children very often. My girlfriend currently has her kids 90% of the time. In 2014 I began living with my girlfriend and her children and I tried to be a supportive (step Dad) for lack of a better term, since they already have a father in their life. I feel that I succeeded in becoming a decent step dad as I have built a good relationship with all 3 of her children.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
My girlfriend accepted my daughter with open arms and took many steps to make her feel welcome in her home, even going as far as to put my daughters needs before her own children’s on occasion.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<B><s></s>Which brings me to the point of my post<e></e></B>.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
My current girlfriend feels it is inappropriate for me to continue being a father to the boy I raised because I am not his paternal father. She says it shows that I am not willing to let go of my X girlfriend. My current girlfriend says it is unacceptable for me to buy him anything, including a birthday gift.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
I did have a talk with the boy and explained to him that since his mother was now seeing another man that he could also lean on that man when he needed to since I was no longer involved with his mother.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
My girlfriend will not accept the boy into our lives as she believes It is my way of keeping a connection with his mother. I have ZERO interest in his mother, but I am human and I feel that walking away from the boy who has called me Dad for the last 14 years is an awful thing to do to a child. <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
Should I be more sensitive to my current partner’s needs and stop spending time with the boy or should I maintain my relationship as Dad? Currently I have cut back my time with him until I can sort this out.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
I personally believe the only morally correct answer (and the one I <br/>
<br/>
choose) is to maintain a relationship with him. Doing so will ultimately destroy my current relationship.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
My current girlfriend says that EVERYONE she has talked to thinks I am being awful to her by choosing to maintain a relationship with my X girlfriend’s son. <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
I should also mention that I am adopted. So for me to accept a child that was not mine paternally but who had no one to call dad was an easy step for me to take. <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
Please give me your honest opinions on the topic. Be as blunt as you need. I can take criticism for my actions either way as long as I have a better understanding on the proper outcome.<br/>
<br/>
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this.</r>

 

[page16]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Fifteen years is a long time. You're the only father he's ever known.
If I have the time frame correct, your ex got into a relationship with someone else when the boy was in his very early teens. The boy knows you as his dad, and I don't think that he would see the other person as his dad. You in turn, no doubt consider him as a son.

A relationship is based on trust and should not be based on jealousy. I get the impression that your current girlfriend feels jealous and insecure, and she sees your ex girlfriend as a threat to her relationship with you, meanwhile denying you the relationship you have built up with the boy.

You can choose for your happiness, and never see the boy again but that would be wrong on so many levels, in my opinion. First of all, you would likely feel guilty. You feel a responsibility for the boy, you feel a father instinct, and you can tell yourself and him that he can lean on the other man, but you probably both know that this isn't what is best.

If you choose her and walk away, then the problem will arise again. You will not have touched the root of the problem. She is jealous and insecure in her relationship with you. That is the first problem you need to solve, and the rest may solve itself.

I don't know you and I certainly don't want to tell you what to do or what decision to make, since that is entirely up to you. As an outsider reading your story, the advice I want to give is this:

Never pursue happiness if the price you pay for it is too high because it will come back to haunt you one way or other. In other words, I would not walk away from the boy because the girlfriend sees it as a way for you to see the ex.

You could make a compromise, and have the boy visit you, spend time and maybe even weekends with you, without you ever having to see the ex. The boy seems old enough now to come visit you. Let your current girlfriend know that your relationship with the boy is very important to you.

It's about finding a compromise that will make both of you happy, not a decision be it by her or by you, that will only make one of you happy.
Love can survive this.

 

[alifelikethat]

Thank you for the reply. You clearly put some thought into things. I wish there was another way but my girlfriends insecurities are getting the best of her. I've tried so many times to reassure her in so many ways. I hate to speak poorly about her but there doesn't seem to be any compromise with her.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to read.

 

[page16]

If there is no compromise, that really is a problem. Compromising happens in every relationship. If it doesn't, then something is very wrong.

Best of luck, I hope you can work this out somehow. I also hope that you'll get opinions from some other people here on the forum. The forum is not super busy, but people do stop in regularly, so maybe check back again later

 

[alifelikethat]

Thank you page16! I agree with you. I am hoping for a positive outcome and I am trying to remain optimistic, however the word dismal comes to mind often...

 

[roxyie]

As a mother of 6 kids my oldest being 14 years old and having been in that type of situation in a way i think you already know the answer to your question. You said it yourself that his first written word was DAD how amazing was that to you knowing he wrote that with you in mind? CHANGED DIAPERS walk him to school put him to bed wiped his tears im sure? Blood DOES NOT make you his DAD you being the MAN who STEPPED UP when his donor stepped out is what makes you his DAD. Its a shame to hear that a MOTHER would be so selfish and CHILDISH in this type of situation. She needs to stop acting like an immature child and grow up GET OVER it and realize that there is a CHILD involved in all this who did nothing wrong for you to ever turn your back on him. And dont take this tje wrong way but YOUR SON was here before her and you need to let her know that if she really loved you she would see and understand how much you love him and you are the man he knows as his dad and that's just the way it's going to be. And to be honest im 30 yrs old myself so if she at thirty some yrs of age CAN NOT compromise with the man she says she loves than maybe theres more to this that you should think about for the long run. Some one like that will be the type of person who will continue to do things in that nature. Example: you have a sister/bro ect. That your EXTREMELY close to and something goes wrong and theres a falling out between your girlfriend and who ever it might be, im pretty sure this situation will resurface and she would want you to choose between the both of them which in my eyes is never ok unless its a toxic situation, anyway i hope you understand what im trying to explain. But im rooting for you and HOPING you make the RIGHT choice which is what you REALLY feel in your heart, because you have had to be a good guy judging based on your prior choice to be a DAD to a baby that biologically wasnt yours, but besides blood in every other aspect you are his DAD and if you choose to turn your back on him NOW because of this "Woman" who has insecurities because of her prior relationships , in my eyes and im sure in his (& no disrespect) but youd be worse of a person than his donor because you allowed yourself and him to get attached emotionally all these years and to let that go because of a new relationship? Would be heart breaking. Good luck make the choice your hear tells you

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

 

[artmom]

Be a dad.
I can already tell that this relationship your getting into won't last, anyways.
1. This girl has jealousy issues.
2. She is being manipulative.
If she is the way she is now, trying to force you to make a tough decision unnecessarily for her sake, then she's bound to do it again with other issues.

This boy you've been raising has known you as a dad for as long as he can remember faces. Being dad is more than being a sperm donor, it's actually raising a child, so you are more a dad than any other man that will step into his life.

 

[alifelikethat]

Thank you Roxyie and artmom for the replies! It's amazing what a little support from others can do for a person. I willl post an update soon.

 

[ChrisH2]

I am the father of an adult daughter with my first wife, and two preschooler daughters with my current partner.
I agree with those that have commented previously.
In my opinion this is an issue of maturity, security and trust. Whatever the resolution of this issue, if your current relationship continues, without significant change by your current partner another issue will arise. Ultimately unless your current partner is able to accommodate your son (for that is how I see him, and I believe he see himself) the relationship will self-destruct.
You can support and nurture a young man through the most turbulent years of his life, or you can dump him when he needs you most and try and maintain a relationship that will ultimately fail without significant change by your current partner.
I do not see that there is a choice needs to be made.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

 

[akmom]

So there are five children scattered among these myriad broken homes? Why do adults do this? Tell your girlfriend that IT TAKES A VILLAGE. That means five adults have played a role in the lives of these five children - either biologically, or as a guardian, or both - and they should continue to play their roles because that is what adults do and that is what children need.

Your newest girlfriend needs to stop thinking of children as tokens of relationships, and rather as members of the village, because that is what a blended family is. That boy is not a token of your former marriage, but rather a relationship you've developed over the years as a mentor. There's no exclusivity or ownership in that.

Does she actually just not like the boy?