Hey folks!
First post here, thought I would try to get some advice. I'm a single dad, with a 14-year old son. Technically, he's my, uh, ex-step-son - the biological son of my ex-wife. We were divorced a little over a year ago, reasonably amicably. I have been with "Bob" since he was almost 2, and his biological father is not involved. For all intents and purposes, I consider him my son, and he considers me his father. I have split custody of Bob - he is physically with me half of each week.
Some background on Bob: Bob is well into the age where he has access to alcohol, drugs, sex, and so on. He's heavily into computers, and spends a good chunk of time on Facebook, etc., and texting. In other words, he's pretty much a normal teenager. He's big into heavy metal right now, and art/music in general.
Bob has a lot of acquaintances, but no "best friend." In fact, although we moved here when he was 9, he has never really had a "best friend." I don't seem to meet his friends - he never invites them over, despite my encouragement. With nothing more than an endless string of names to go by, it's hard to keep them straight, and I certainly can't say I know any of his friends well. He has had girlfriends, too, only one of whom I've ever met. Regardless of that, at any rate, he appears to be doing fine socially.
Bob is, overall, a good kid, too. Gets all As and Bs at school (although I suspect he could get all As if he applied himself more, but I don't push him too hard on that). He doesn't get into much trouble, at home or at school. Bob and I have a good relationship. Not great, but good. He and his mother have a more contentious relationship. She is a lot stricter and more critical, and he rebels against that. I tend to be calmer and more "let's talk about it." As a result, Bob and I pretty much never fight.
I regularly make myself available to Bob, and let him know that I'm available to talk if he needs to, but he pretty much keeps his own counsel. I feel pretty disconnected from what is in his heart. He has always said the right things to me about drinking, drugs, smoking, and so on, but I know full well that even the "good kids" are capable of lying through their teeth and then going out and making poor choices.
At the end of the day, how do I know if Bob is trustworthy? His mother doesn't trust him much at all, while I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. He has a bit of a track record of being untrustworthy, but typically in what I perceive as "small" things, such as we will catch him on his computer or cell phone well after he's supposed to be in bed. Not a huge deal, but also evidence that he's deliberately doing things he knows he is not supposed to, and trying not to get caught.
At the same time, we have never caught him smoking, or drinking, or even in any particularly suspicious circumstances. Once he got in a huge fight with my ex- and left the house without telling anyone, but that's about it, and that was probably over a year ago now. Bob has asked to go to a big metal concert coming up (with no adult supervision, just some 17-year olds), and I find myself wondering if it's safe, or if I can trust him. When I think about the things that are out there that he could get into, and the possible peer pressure, it scares me. But, frankly, I grew up as a metalhead and didn't drink a drop until I was 21, nor have I ever smoked or done drugs.
The truth is, on a day-to-day basis, when I ask him things, I don't have a clue of whether he's telling me the truth or just layin' it on thick for his old man and then going out and behaving in a completely different manner. I really don't know, and it's very frustrating and frightening!
I keep an eye on his Facebook page, but I don't look at his computer history or anything. I don't look through his drawers, although I easily could do so since he's only at my house half the time. I'm torn about the "breach of trust" aspect of that, especially since he hasn't given me any obvious reason to truly distrust him, but I also have this huge fear that he could be getting into trouble and I just don't know it.
What thoughts do you have? How do I know if he's truly trustworthy? How can I improve our relationship to the point where I can feel more confident in that?
Thoughts appreciated!
Steve
First post here, thought I would try to get some advice. I'm a single dad, with a 14-year old son. Technically, he's my, uh, ex-step-son - the biological son of my ex-wife. We were divorced a little over a year ago, reasonably amicably. I have been with "Bob" since he was almost 2, and his biological father is not involved. For all intents and purposes, I consider him my son, and he considers me his father. I have split custody of Bob - he is physically with me half of each week.
Some background on Bob: Bob is well into the age where he has access to alcohol, drugs, sex, and so on. He's heavily into computers, and spends a good chunk of time on Facebook, etc., and texting. In other words, he's pretty much a normal teenager. He's big into heavy metal right now, and art/music in general.
Bob has a lot of acquaintances, but no "best friend." In fact, although we moved here when he was 9, he has never really had a "best friend." I don't seem to meet his friends - he never invites them over, despite my encouragement. With nothing more than an endless string of names to go by, it's hard to keep them straight, and I certainly can't say I know any of his friends well. He has had girlfriends, too, only one of whom I've ever met. Regardless of that, at any rate, he appears to be doing fine socially.
Bob is, overall, a good kid, too. Gets all As and Bs at school (although I suspect he could get all As if he applied himself more, but I don't push him too hard on that). He doesn't get into much trouble, at home or at school. Bob and I have a good relationship. Not great, but good. He and his mother have a more contentious relationship. She is a lot stricter and more critical, and he rebels against that. I tend to be calmer and more "let's talk about it." As a result, Bob and I pretty much never fight.
I regularly make myself available to Bob, and let him know that I'm available to talk if he needs to, but he pretty much keeps his own counsel. I feel pretty disconnected from what is in his heart. He has always said the right things to me about drinking, drugs, smoking, and so on, but I know full well that even the "good kids" are capable of lying through their teeth and then going out and making poor choices.
At the end of the day, how do I know if Bob is trustworthy? His mother doesn't trust him much at all, while I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. He has a bit of a track record of being untrustworthy, but typically in what I perceive as "small" things, such as we will catch him on his computer or cell phone well after he's supposed to be in bed. Not a huge deal, but also evidence that he's deliberately doing things he knows he is not supposed to, and trying not to get caught.
At the same time, we have never caught him smoking, or drinking, or even in any particularly suspicious circumstances. Once he got in a huge fight with my ex- and left the house without telling anyone, but that's about it, and that was probably over a year ago now. Bob has asked to go to a big metal concert coming up (with no adult supervision, just some 17-year olds), and I find myself wondering if it's safe, or if I can trust him. When I think about the things that are out there that he could get into, and the possible peer pressure, it scares me. But, frankly, I grew up as a metalhead and didn't drink a drop until I was 21, nor have I ever smoked or done drugs.
The truth is, on a day-to-day basis, when I ask him things, I don't have a clue of whether he's telling me the truth or just layin' it on thick for his old man and then going out and behaving in a completely different manner. I really don't know, and it's very frustrating and frightening!
I keep an eye on his Facebook page, but I don't look at his computer history or anything. I don't look through his drawers, although I easily could do so since he's only at my house half the time. I'm torn about the "breach of trust" aspect of that, especially since he hasn't given me any obvious reason to truly distrust him, but I also have this huge fear that he could be getting into trouble and I just don't know it.
What thoughts do you have? How do I know if he's truly trustworthy? How can I improve our relationship to the point where I can feel more confident in that?
Thoughts appreciated!
Steve
