trusting your lying teenager...

[80s_and_sunny]

I am new to this board and don't even know where to start.

So I'll just ask...

Do you feel that at some point, you just have to accept that your teenager is going to lie to you and have stuff going on that's "underground" on a pretty constant basis? Is it healthier to accept that, than to continue to believe him and keep feeling hurt, surprised and let down when he lies next time?

I don't want to treat him like a criminal for the next four years til he's 18, I certainly don't want to damage his self-esteem by never believing what he says, but on the other hand, I feel like a good dose of cynicism regarding whatever he tells me will probably save me a lot of heartache.

This all makes me so incredibly sad. I love him, of course, e.g. I want to believe hiim when he seems to earnest in his apologies, so sincere about wanting to change his ways, when he fixes those big blue eyes on me and says, "It'll never happen again, Mom, I promise," "I've learned my lesson," etc.

I sure wish I could wave a magic wand and have my wonderful elementary-school-age little buddy back, my sweet and honest little boy.

How do you handle a constant low level of mistrust and still make the kid feel loved? How do you protect yourself from feeling crushed with the inevitable next lie he'll tell, and the helplessness you feel that he's just not learning his lessons?

 

[AmyBelle]

What is he lying to you about? Because, for me at least, that would greatly effect the response.

I hid so much from my dads when I was growing up it wasnt even funny. That said, I had reasons for hiding them, the main one being that my dads are boys and im a girl, and there were things that I thought
a) They knew nothing about (because as a teen you know EVERYTHING)
b) I would have been mortified if they knew
c) Were strictly girl things

That said, there was other stuff I hid just because. Parents are uncool and know nothing, they never did anything themselves so they will go ape on you at any given circumstance, so you must lie to them to save yourself. When your parents were your age all they did was wholesome fun acitivities, like had their friends over to play board games or went down to the bakery with their friends, and if they really wanted to let lose they would buy some soda and drink it in their front yard. When they went out on dates they went to eat dinner, held hands then went home. Therefore, they wont understand anything to do with music or dating or fashion or anything cool.

(then you grow up and find out that your dad skipped school constantly to see bands that his parents did not allow music of in their house, was a bit of a ladies man and was one of the 'cool' kids.)

However if this lying is about something damaging to your child, such as drugs or excessive drinking then my response will be to be harsher on him. Its your job to make sure he learns his lessons, and if nothing is sinking in, then you just need to be harsher to make sure it does.

 

[Aunt]

Yeah i was an a grade liar. I suppose it depends on the issue. If you catch him prolly penalize on principal but dont go around spying and accept some things will slip under the radar

 

[80s_and_sunny]

[What is he lying to you about? Because, for me at least, that would greatly effect the response.]

Sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night.

However if this lying is about something damaging to your child, such as drugs or excessive drinking then my response will be to be harsher on him. Its your job to make sure he learns his lessons, and if nothing is sinking in, then you just need to be harsher to make sure it does.

...and I absolutely agree with this, 100%. Sigh....

I do accept that things will slip under the radar. I am mostly just wondering how other parents deal with the environment where total trust seems to be an impossibility and how they feel that affects their relationships with their teens. Thank you to those who responded.

 

[BentMonk]

Trust is earned. That's a fact regardless of age. My 16 year old was given, lost, regained, lost, and is working on regaining my trust. I'm thankful that having my trust is important enough to him that he will work hard to get it back.

I doubt there is one of us who can say they have never told a lie. Each person feels justified in lying at the time and rationalizing can be a powerful thing.

The problems with my son were minor compared to what I see and hear other parents go through. Sneaking, lying, inappropriate behavior, irresponsibility, and a couple of bad choices.

I haven't forgotten what I was doing as a teenager. This has helped me keep things in perspective. My kids have a healthy fear from the Wrath of Dad, but my perspective and my reaction to some of the difficulties we've been through has taught them not to assume how I'm going to react. They know that even though I still may give them horribly cruel and unjust consequences, I will at least listen to their side of the story first. They also know that while the truth may not always set them free, it will save them from the certain doom that is lying to The Dad.

There comes a point when you have to trust that you have prepared your child to handle life the right way, let go of the handle bars and the seat, and let them ride down the street on their own. They're going to fall. How to handle the falls is something we all have to learn on our own. All we can do as parents is be there with a hug, a Band-Aid, and a little advice now and then.

If we're lucky they will call and say to us what I say to my mother all the time..."Thanks for being the meanest Mom in the world. I love you."

 

[sikirulai]

I support you.
We all need to give the children the chance to make
their own mistakes and do their correcting themselves.
It is only throught his way that REAL lessons of life
would be learnt.

 

[jgomez65]

There is an underlying question:
Why does he feel the need to lie? Is he affraid of your reaction? Does he feel you are going to blow things out of proportion and freak out if you find something out? If you don't know, simply ask him.
People lie for a reason, no jut for the heck of it. If you find the reason, then you can work on the solution.

 

[BentMonk]

The reason kids lie is not underlying, in fact it's pretty universal. Part of the process of growing is acting on your curiosity. This sometimes means doing something you were told not to do. I'm simplifying a bit, but you get my point. Most kids don't want to outright defy their parents. The battle between growing through curiosity and listening to Mom and Dad is resolved by the most convenient means available...lie. If we've done our job as a parent hopefully enough of what we've taught them will filter through that impulse driven curiosity and keep them from doing anything too horrible. No matter what your parenting style, or how well adjusted you think your kid is, there's going to come a day when your kid will tell you a lie, or two, or three... The problems arise with the frequency and magnitude of the lying.

 

[jgomez65]

The reason kids lie is not underlying, in fact it's pretty universal. Part of the process of growing is acting on your curiosity. This sometimes means doing something you were told not to do. I'm simplifying a bit, but you get my point. Most kids don't want to outright defy their parents. The battle between growing through curiosity and listening to Mom and Dad is resolved by the most convenient means available...lie. If we've done our job as a parent hopefully enough of what we've taught them will filter through that impulse driven curiosity and keep them from doing anything too horrible. No matter what your parenting style, or how well adjusted you think your kid is, there's going to come a day when your kid will tell you a lie, or two, or three... The problems arise with the frequency and magnitude of the lying.

BentMonk, one thing is when your kid lies about something once in a while (which we all did) and another one is when they lie all the time, (even for simple things that might not have consecuenses) which seems to be the case here. Then there is something defenetely going on.

 

[BentMonk]

BentMonk, one thing is when your kid lies about something once in a while (which we all did) and another one is when they lie all the time, (even for simple things that might not have consecuenses) which seems to be the case here. Then there is something defenetely going on.

I totally agree. I'm going through this with my eleven year old son right now. Lying seems to come as naturally and reflexively as breathing to him. I have come to realize that the lying at least for my son, is a way for him to try and do everything his own way, rather than the way he was taught. When his idea doesn't work and he is confronted with having to explain his actions, he looks for the fastest route away from consequences. He begins to try and justify his actions by twisting circumstances, making lame excuses, and lying.

He knows I have a hyper-sensitive BS detector and can tell with 99% accuracy when he is feeding me a line. He also knows that my reaction to being deliberately lied to is similar to a nuclear blast with PG-13 dialog. Despite this knowledge, my son will still try and BS his way out of even the smallest reprimand. He seems to be getting tired of living life grounded with a lecture by Dad soundtrack. Hopefully he will quit lying just to avoid having to deal with me and then not lying will just become another habit. All I can do is keep being consistent, pray and hope he turns out OK.

 

[Aunt]

I hope what I write is of comfort, but as I mentioned earlier I was a total liar to my parents as a teen. Partly because I was often up to no good and partly I guess because it was a normal part of the separation process of adolescence. So it is likely that monk your prayers will be answered & he will be OK

 

[Lionheart]

and now for another teens perspective, as being 18, I've told my fair share of lies.
First off, I strongly value my independence, and would explain the "...separation process of adolescence" for me. So while this is a possibility, sneaking out of the house instantly calls to me on a very teenage guy level through personal experiences.

It could (likely) be:
1. He has a girlfriend that he wants to go see (i'm guilty of that - if there's one thing that will sweep a girl off their feet at that age is both of them sneaking out together and just hanging out)
2. He and his friends are starting to drink alcohol (i've personally caught my 15y/o brother doing this at the park up the top of my road with 5 of his friends - 2 were girls)
3. He does not enjoy being at home (which i hope it's not)

Try to have an honest conversation with him, just tell him that as his parent i just like knowing that my teen is going to be safe. Tell him you won't be angry (and stick to your word) if he can just tell you where he's been going then he won't be punished and talk it out.
Catching him red-handed also works very well.
See, at that age i lied because i could sometimes not come up with an actual answer so i rationalised something i thought was believable and blurted it out while barely thinking of what my parents really took that to mean.
Everybody lies to take the easy way out of things.
Does 'the dog ate my homework' ring a bell to anyone?

 

[BentMonk]

Well said LH.