Trying to avoid drowning in the StepMother world....

[K_Stepmom2b]

Where do I even begin. I apologize now because this will be long-winded...

I have a wonderful fiance and he has a lively 5 year old girl, C.

My fiance and the BM have a ridiculous custody agreement. And my fiance is taking her back to court to have more time with the child, if not try to go for full custody. While I have expressed that I support my fiance, he doesn't ask me how I feel about it.

Backstory: The child's mother is a good mother, however she's young, irresponsible, and immature. The child gets no discipline other than our house, and when she's not with us, she lives between 3 other households. So I understand her acting out, and her attitude sometimes.
So I have several issues...

We currently have C every other weekend, and during those weekends, its a constant struggle for me, and by Sunday night I am counting down the seconds until she goes to her mothers. C ignores me and I don't even exist, my authority is non-existent, she admits that's she is mean on purpose, she doesn't like to have daddy out of her sight for 5 minutes, she's just a brat... At the end of every weekend, my fiance comes back from dropping her off and asks me if I even like C. (Loaded Question!) I'm still adapting to the whole "i'm gonna be a step-mom!" thing.
(Previous to this relationship, I never even wanted children, but I fell in love and now I consider it in the future.)


#1: My fiance expects C and I to have bonded and to be best buds by now. (Its a little over a year since meeting her)
#2: We will now be going from part-time parents to a more-so full time parent house-hold. How do I keep sane?
#3: I work for a non-profit 24/7 operation pretty much, and I opted to work to avoid to be home with C, to avoid the whines and being ignored anyways. I feel bad about it, but its one of my "getaways"
#4: I constantly feel like a 3rd wheel, and I've voiced this to my fiance more than once, every time we are coming home from being out, C yells "hurry daddy, lets lock K out!"- I know its all just a fun game, but it's hurtful to me.
#5: Should I be an authority or a friend? I've read that I should lean more on the authority side rather than friends, because then I would never be viewed as a head of the house alongside with daddy.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and there's an iceberg right ahead... I'm trying to keep my head above water, just sometimes - I dip below the surface... Any advice is welcome... I just want to be a good step-mother, I fear being the wicked stepmother and I'm sure that sometimes is how C views me. And I know that just comes with the territory!

 

[NancyM]

Hi Klear

I don't think it's very likely the dad will get full custody over the child considering the mom is a good one. Many parents are immature, and irresposnible, as long as the child is well cared for and loved it's not likely a court will take her away from her mom.

First of all you have to get your fiance on board to your needs. Nothing will work other wise. He has to listen to your concerns/fears and make necessary changes or adjustments where C is concerned that fit into your life as well as theirs. Especially if he expects you to be a full time mom to her if he gets full custody. You have a right to say this, and be firm and serious but careful not to say anything negative about C.

I suggest you voice these issues with him soon. You both have to work together with this child and he has to back you up when you tell C something that she may not like.

I hope it works out for you.

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

When I say the mom is a good mother, I mean that she is caring and she loves C. Things that will be coming to head in the new child custody is that the mother has violated the agreement more than once, hell... more than 10 times. The child does not have a stable living arrangement. There are 10 or more people living in the house which the child lives, all except one who smokes. There are numerous parties which partake on school night at the home the child lives in while the child is in the house (we have proof), those kind of things. My fiance will push for full custody, but during mediation will come to an agreement where we get the child a full week and then the mother will get the child the next and so on...

As for the discussions which will need to take place - we're in the progress of discussing some of it. I'm trying to bring it up one thing at a time and not overload him on stuff which knowing him, will create a "she doesn't like C" thought - which I would like to avoid.
TY for your reply!

 

[Lintermans]

As a step and biological mom, I know that it is not uncommon for tension, compromise, and confusion to rule when the role of parent is shared between a step and biological parent. Some people still feel that stepparents aren’t “real” parents, but our culture has no norms to suggest how they are different. And the less our roles are defined, the more unhappy we are as both parents and stepparents.



Another role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other in much the same way as biological parents and their children do. In reality, however, this is often just not so. A stepparent might feel a tremendous amount of guilt about his or her lack of positive feelings (or even the presence of negative feelings) toward the spouse’s children. Discipline might be a constant source of family conflict: You might, for example, think your ex-spouse isn’t being strict enough, when in fact, most stepfathers and stepmothers think the real parent is not being strict enough.

As a stepparent, you might feel like an unbiased observer with a grudge because you’re an outsider and the very thing that’s making you “unbiased” is something you resent, biology.

Stepchildren, as well, often don’t react to their parent’s new spouse as though he or she were the “real” parent. The irony of expecting instant “real” parent-child love is further complicated by the fact that stepparents are not generally expected to be “equal” in discipline or otherwise controlling their stepchildren.

Another reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that your child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility. Commonly children harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. If children had reservations about or strongly disapproved of your divorce, they may sabotage your new relationships in the hope that you will get back together. Children who want their natural parents to remarry may feel that sabotaging the new relationship will get them back together. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.

Although all stepchildren and stepparents are to some degree uncomfortable with some aspect of their new family role, certain difficulties are more likely to affect stepmothers, and others are more common to stepfathers. Conflicting expectations of a stepmother’s role make it especially hard. As a stepparent, your best shot at happiness is to ignore the myths and negative images and to work to stay optimistic.

As a stepmother, yes, your work is cut out for you. In fact, the role of stepmother is thought by some clinicians to be more difficult than that of stepfather. One important reason is that stepmother families, more than stepfather families, may be born of difficult custody battles and/or have a history of particularly troubled family relations.

Society also seems, on the one hand, to expect romantic, almost mythical loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel, vain, selfish, competitive, and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtime stories we are all familiar with). Stepmothers are also often accused of giving preferential treatment to their own children. As a result, a stepmother must be much better than just okay before she is considered acceptable. No matter how skillful and patient you are, all your actions are suspect. Is it any wonder that stepmothers tend to be more stressed, anxious, and depressed than other mothers and also more stressed than stepfathers?

Some researchers have found that stepmothers behave more negatively toward stepchildren than do stepfathers, and children in stepmother families seem to do less well in terms of their behavior. In fact, the relationship between stepmother and stepdaughter is often the most difficult. Yet, other studies indicate that stepmothers can have a positive impact on stepchildren. Because stepmothers are much more likely to play an active part in the lives of children than stepfathers, perhaps there is simply more to go wrong.

Still, some step-mothering situations can make this role especially complicated -- such as a part-time or weekend stepmother if you are married to a non-custodial father who sees his children regularly. You may try with all your heart to establish a loving relationship with your husband’s children, only to be openly rejected, or you may feel left out of part of his life because of his relationship with his children. In addition, a part-time stepmother can feel left out by her husband’s relationship with his ex-wife; for example, non-custodial fathers need to spend time communicating with their ex-wives about their children’s school problems, orthodontia, illnesses, and even household maintenance and repairs.

Yet, well-run by knowledgeable, confidant stepfamily adult <I>teams</I> (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form <I>can</I> provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and <I>often</I> (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.

Gloria Lintermans is the author of <U>THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: <I>Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect</I></U> (Llumina Press).

 

[parentastic]

Dear Klear Stepmom,

The situation you are living is not easy. If you are serious about living with this man, you really need to work on your relationship with C.
To do this, I would like to offer you a different look on what is going on.

Imagine if one day your husband (or life partner) comes home with another wife and tells you: "It's going to be okay! You will love her, you will see! She is very nice! I'll still love you as much as before, I promise!"
...How would you feel?

Well, this is how C feels about you.

It's very difficult, when you are a child of a divorced family, to see one of your parent with someone new. This addition to the family feels wrong and the jealousy (for her father's attention and time) is very real.
It will stay real until your own relationship with C becomes deeper; until she attaches to you too as another caring, fun and loving adult in her life - and not only her father's attachment.

Knowing this, the real question is: how can you get her to attach to you?
Which also means: how can you attach to her?
Because attachment works both way. As long as you resist attaching to her, that you see her as a block or as a problem in your couple, as long as you avoid her and see her as a "between you and him", you will not attach, and she will sense that and she will not attach either.

So, before I write more, I am asking you:
Can you find the compassion and empathy in your heart to understand her point of view?
What could you then do to connect more to her?

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

Thank you for your replies.

I understand how C feels, I come from a step family myself. So I know the feelings and I know some of the games
The issue with C is she (like any child) plays games. She does things on purpose because she knows that she is being mean. (To everyone, not just myself and her father and she’s admitted it in the past) She acts out because she simply does not fully understand what is going on around her. She wants mommy and her boyfriend and Daddy and me to all live under the same roof and be one big happy family. It’s not like she is fully pushing me away, she does have her loving tender moments where she curls up on the couch with me and watches a movie. Its more of the when I ask her to not stand on the couch arm and jump practically on the cat where she doesn’t listen to me. In which her father would give her a timeout. She slowly sees me as an authority figure, but she is still fighting it in a sense. She doesn’t hate the idea of me, I can tell… I just can’t figure her out.
She lives in 4 different houses which I’m sure doesn’t help her, and I’m sure it definitely confuses her. She gets treated one way at one house and completely different at any other house.

 

[parentastic]

Hello again, Klear Stepmom,

Thank you for your answer. There is a lot of advices I could give you that may help with your situation, but I wanted to address the attachment between you and C first, because it's the very core of the problem. Everything else will fall into place once you have reflected on how you currently see C, and how you can act on this perspective and reframe it.

On the other tread you started about honesty, for instance, there is a lot of discussion about the effect your honesty had on your partner. Would you had felt differently about the full custody discussion if you had attached to C already?
I have been a step parent for a while, many years ago, and even to this day a decade later, I still miss the child (while I barely remember the mother). When we truly connect with a child, <I>attach</I> as a caregiver, wholeheartedly decide we want to protect, care, defend and grow that child, when we want the best for them, when we are happy as they are happy, when we get delighted to see them smile or laugh - then the biological parent will feel that and it will truly bind the family.

This is not a blame! You can't force yourself to attach. But if you are serious about this relationship, I'd suggest a different way to see it.
Right now, you seem to see C as an unwanted, additional constraint that you need to "adapt to" with enough time. Yes, she can be fun at times, and I am certain your care is honest and genuine. But the attitude - the way you see her - is what prevents her from truly connecting. It is also what your partner perceived.
Being honest is always best! Hiding that truth would not have helped. Yet the truth he saw is difficult for him to accept.

Is there a way you can decide, okay, forget this, I am "starting over" now. Can you decide that C is also your responsibility, your care, your love, your priority? Can you see her with the new eye of a true parent, with the marvelous amazement of seeing a new fragile and rich life blooming right in front of your eyes? Can you see the wonders of being entrusted with that life who needs and seeks so much love?

The issue with C is she (like any child) plays games. She does things on purpose because she knows that she is being mean.

I don't believe children do things to "be mean" - certainly not at 5 years old. Being "mean" is a complex concept, and we could argue on the definition of it forever. They can certainly <I>act in ways that look mean</I>.
I am suggesting that this is an interpretation. Instead, you could chose to see her behavior as a <I>defense mechanism</I> to desperately attempt to cling to her old reality, to protect her fragile and dependent core, to try to keep her eroding family unity intact. Which is a sign that you are not yet perceived by her as part of her family. You are still an outsider.
How could you become an insider, a true family member <I>to her?</I>

Answer this, and it will be the key to making all of your relationships better.

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

The attachment issue with C is not complete, I know that, my fiance doesn't. While I love and adore the child, other times I do not. And thats just the honest truth of it all. And I think, no I know it is because of the attachment issue. While I try, I try to find activities that she and I can do together, go places together, etc... its just slowly happening. Very slowly. Sometimes, she jeopardizes the "activity" by acting out negatively, in which case, if she cannot adjust her mood/attitude and calm down - then our activity ceases and we head home. (Its happened about 4 times now)

When we truly connect with a child, attach as a caregiver, wholeheartedly decide we want to protect, care, defend and grow that child, when we want the best for them, when we are happy as they are happy, when we get delighted to see them smile or laugh

All those feelings are there already. I just have the occasionally bang my head against the wall moments, and moreso recently with the being honest about custody conversation. I know that C and I don't fully connect and I do not want to just shove myself onto her and smother her and force her into liking me. I want it to take place naturally. But in the meantime, I still am trying to find activities that she and I can do for our "girl time".

I think I "see" her as "unwanted" and such sometimes, because of her overall (which her father and I have extensively discussed - hence new custody arrangement in the works) lack of discipline. As I may have said previously, C lives in 4 different households, with 4 different set of rules, and 4 different ways (ages) that she is treated.
My fiance is a stickler and would love it if his daughter is a perfect angel,. yet he sees that she is far from it. (his words) Our house is the only house that C has any sort of discipline.
I see the <U>behavior</U> as "unwanted" moreso than C. I was raised in a no BS type of house. To an extent, I would be a no BS type of parent, while although she is a child and just trying to be one, there are rules and rules are to be followed. (Both instilled by my fiance and myself - more my fiance, I just support his rules and occasionally make suggestions.)

As to become an insider - I'm working on that. There's a game that C plays where when we are coming home she starts running and yells to my fiance to hurry up and lock me out of the house. It happens all the time, and while it is probably perceived as a game - it is hurtful every time. This has been discussed, while my fiance does not understand my feelings - he is trying to control that from not happening.

Originally Posted by Klear_Stepmom2b
The issue with C is she (like any child) plays games. She does things on purpose because she knows that she is being mean.
I don't believe children do things to "be mean" - certainly not at 5 years old. Being "mean" is a complex concept, and we could argue on the definition of it forever. They can certainly act in ways that look mean.

True to an extent. C has verbally acknowledged that she did something to someone and said something to some to "be mean to them, to hurt their feelings"
I thoughts that it wasn't something that C was intentionally doing until once when we were witnessing an act of being mean and when asked, we received that answer.

Bottom line. I love C. Am I struggling? Heck yes! Am I still new to this? Absolutely, freshly new. Am I trying? You better believe it! Do I get frustrated? Like no other! Do I make time for C? As much as I can in the amount of time my eyes are open. Do I sometimes just want to be left alone? Yes, I'm human.

The "adjustment" I speak of... coming from someone who never wanted children until a year and a half ago - to having a instant 5 year old and having her live with me part-time, I think that I am doing rather well... sure there are bumps, sure I need advice, but I make sure she has a bath, brushes her teeth, gets her bedtime story read to her, has amazing dinner meals and sometimes junk food meals (not too much, yuck) - but I have all the best intentions in mind with her. I'm just on the learning process. Learning to deal with my feelings in a positive manner, learning to add things that were not something I wanted previously, learning to adjust and rearrange everything to accommodate someone else.

 

[mom2many]

The "adjustment" I speak of... coming from someone who never wanted children until a year and a half ago - to having a instant 5 year old and having her live with me part-time, I think that I am doing rather well... sure there are bumps, sure I need advice, but I make sure she has a bath, brushes her teeth, gets her bedtime story read to her, has amazing dinner meals and sometimes junk food meals (not too much, yuck) - but I have all the best intentions in mind with her. I'm just on the learning process. Learning to deal with my feelings in a positive manner, learning to add things that were not something I wanted previously, learning to adjust and rearrange everything to accommodate someone else.

This is true for any parent, regardless of who gave birth. It is a HUGE adjustment. So long as you can recognize that, then you are headed in the right direction. As for alone time...every parent wants that. It's okay to take a few moments to yourself.

 

[bssage]

I agree both with the insightful/ usefull information by parentstatic and m2m. Kids are at times trying no matter if you step or not. I'm gonna find a link to show you what I mean. Its an old thread.

http://www.parentingforums.org/showthread.php?t=7410

 

[parentastic]

The attachment issue with C is not complete, I know that, my fiance doesn't.

The "adjustment" I speak of... coming from someone who never wanted children until a year and a half ago - to having a instant 5 year old and having her live with me part-time, I think that I am doing rather well...

Perhaps one way you could discuss this with him is to ask him to tell you how he felt when he first started to be a dad. Most likely, besides the joy and the wonder, he felt lost and overwhelmed, and if you get him to talk and share a bit of these feelings, he may then come to understand you better when you tell him you feel that way, too.
You could also ask him how he might have felt if he had full custody from day one. If he expresses how he may have panicked, or how much more difficult it would have been instead of an adjustment from 5 years of shared custody first, then it can help him sees how this adjustment is also difficult for you.
As mom2many said, it's natural, whether you are a step or a bio parent, to be overwhelmed and see your life change radically - and it's normal to anticipate that change with anxiety.

On the other hand, what he needs to hear, on his side, is that you want to tackle this <I>because you love C</I>, not because you are stuck with her if you are to stay with him.
The <I>motivation</I> for your desire to adapt and take that role, IMO, is what probably scared your fiance - not the time it may take you to adjust or the difficulties you are experiencing.

While I love and adore the child, other times I do not.

I would think any parent might feel that way at some point or another.

And thats just the honest truth of it all. And I think, no I know it is because of the attachment issue. its just slowly happening. Very slowly.

I suspect it is happening slowly because you haven't embraced it fully yet. You haven't seen yourself as a mom, as a full fledged caretaker for her yet. When you do, IMO, that attachment will grow much faster.
But it will grow faster also if you can get YOUR needs met also, more about this below.

I know that C and I don't fully connect and I do not want to just shove myself onto her and smother her and force her into liking me.

You can't do that even if you wanted to.
But it's surprisingly easy to get children to attach to you if you follow these few guidelines:

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Smile a lot! Smile with your lips, smile with your eyes. Smile with your heart. Smile when you look at her walk, run, talk, interact. When you are angry, smile with sadness at the tension of your relationship, but with kindness none the less. Smiling is one of the most powerful gesture you can do, as it trigger both your own attachment and her reaction to it. Our brain is wired to read people's non-verbal cues and to react positively to smiles.</LI>

</LIST>

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Be <I>authentic</I>. Children are especially sensitive to the artificial and the fake. If you stay truly authentic, even when it's not going well, it will pay off.</LI>

</LIST>

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Don't treat her like a child, as much a possible. Treat her as a full person. Speak to her with full sentences, use complex words, ask for her tastes and give her choices in her life, like you would with a trusted friend. (of course, that doesn't mean there aren't boundaries). Become a kind guide, a coach, a mentor, not a nagging, constraining force.</LI>

</LIST>

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Speak to her often, all the time. When she plays, when she runs, moves, when she does things, describe it to her. Use narration. Observe what she does and say it aloud. <I>notice her</I> in an obvious, gentle way, and she will soon realize you are part of her life. Besides, narration is an excellent habit for a parent, as it develops a child's auto-biographical abilities from his left brain hemisphere.</LI>

</LIST>

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Always try to find ways that preserve her dignity. If you need to discipline, impose limits, ask for respect etc... then try to do so in a way that will not cause her to lose face. Children builds their self-esteem, they react strongly because they are easily bruised.</LI>

</LIST>
This should give you a quick start

I think I "see" her as "unwanted" and such sometimes, because of her overall (which her father and I have extensively discussed - hence new custody arrangement in the works) lack of discipline.

Ah, discipline... I could write a book about it. In fact, I might one day
Discipline comes from "Disciple" which comes from coaching and mentoring, not from punishment.
But yes, no matter the way it is done, a child needs some boundaries.
This can take many shape and forms, but suffice here to say that if she is living in 3 other places with no control or boundaries what so ever, it's going to be difficult for both you and your fiance, no matter what.

Still, even in that context, a child who is well attached is a child that naturally wants to follow the parent's model and wants to listen and be guided. Children who aren't well attached usually do not - they fall into submissive or rebellious behavior, 2 sides of the same coin.

I see the <U>behavior</U> as "unwanted" moreso than C. I was raised in a no BS type of house. To an extent, I would be a no BS type of parent, while although she is a child and just trying to be one, there are rules and rules are to be followed. (Both instilled by my fiance and myself - more my fiance, I just support his rules and occasionally make suggestions.)

Perhaps you do not feel fully connected to C and may see her as "unwanted" sometimes, not because of how she behave, but because you seem to have a secondary, backward role for the discipline.
(Note that in the workshop I teach, I am not an advocate of strong "discipline" methods involving punishments and rewards; I teach communication-based self-discipline techniques instead) but regardless of how it is done, you need to feel that you have as much to say about how this little girl is raised if you are going to be a true mom and share your life with her. Your fiance needs to realize this, otherwise he is asking for you to fully attach without giving you the same responsibilities.
I am wondering if your lack of attachment may not also come from there (even if I hope I am stimulating your curiosity enough to consider alternate ways of discipline).

There's a game that C plays where when we are coming home she starts running and yells to my fiance to hurry up and lock me out of the house.

So, what are your feelings about this?
My guess is that it hurts you. It sends a message that you are not liked by C, that you are not welcomed. It probably pains you and makes you feel sad.
So my suggestion, in line with the above points, is to speak your truth. <I>be authentic</I>. When you arrive through the door, do this:

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Kneel down to be at her height</LI>
  <LI>
• Take her gently but firmly by her shoulders, lock into her eyes</LI>
  <LI>
• Make a sad face (not an angry one!)</LI>
  <LI>
• Speak in "I" and tell her what just happened (description of behavior), then tell her how you felt (emotion) and tell her the full impact it had on you (concrete effect). This technique is called the "I" message.</LI>
  <LI>
• Once you have said it, don't let go of her immediately. Continue to look into her eyes and let her react. Her emotional state will change, she may cry too. It's okay. Just don't be angry. React sadly but with calm and kindness. Once it has sink in, you can ask: "What can we do about this?"</LI>
  <LI>
• Apply this technique each time she does this (no need for any kind of punishment).</LI>

</LIST>
Here is what it could look like:
"When I arrive home, I am all happy to see you again, and then I hear you locking the door, laughing with daddy and trying to keep me out. It makes me feel sad. I feel like you don't like me, like I am a stranger in the house. I feel like crying and just returning home. And then I don't want to hug you and play with you anymore."

You may have to repeat a few time, but you will be surprised by the effectiveness of the result. You need to start speaking your truth when your own feelings are not being respected. "I" message are an excellent, powerful and effective way to do this.

It happens all the time, and while it is probably perceived as a game - it is hurtful every time. This has been discussed, while my fiance does not understand my feelings - he is trying to control that from not happening.

No, no, sorry, but no. <I>You must handle it yourself with her. </I>
As long as you go through her dad, she is not seeing you as part of the family. In addition, if dad controls it, she learns nothing, and the relationship between you and her is not improved either.

True to an extent. C has verbally acknowledged that she did something to someone and said something to some to "be mean to them, to hurt their feelings"

Yes, but that doesn't mean it is the case.
She reacted emotionally to something she saw or heard. She cannot yet control her emotions - she is learning that. If the parents around her insist that she was mean, she will internalize that. She <I>acted</I> in a way that was mean, yes. She didn't know better.
How do I know? Well, at 5 years old, children aren't really yet able to understand that the world is different when perceived by someone else. (child egocentrism). It takes many years for them to truly understand that other people see, feel and think differently than they do.
It's important to help her not judge herself, only her <I>actions</I>. No labels!

I hope this will help. Keep us posted!

 

[bssage]

Klear Stepmom2B

I am impressed that you have stuck with your post's and weathered the advice you have been given. Some not necessarily what you wanted to hear, or supportive.

That is the definition of a parent in my book.

We all have good and bad times parenting. Times when our kids yell out the dreaded "I hate you" and times when they feel bad and give the "I need you" look. When they have done something publicly that says "bad parenting" and those that make you want to say " I taught them that".

I think we fear for the child who has a parent that does not want to parent. And I also think at this point its Klear that you have no intention of falling into this category.

I almost expected you to drop your post after the first few responses. You have not done that and have stuck it out reading each post and trying to get what you can. My perception of you has changed throughout this process.

I think you will do fine.

 

[singledad]

every time we are coming home from being out, C yells "hurry daddy, lets lock K out!"- I know its all just a fun game, but it's hurtful to me.

I want to comment on this - I believe that it may be her way of showing that she doesn't really want you there. And I think you know this, which is why you find it hurtful.

I think the best person to resolve this would be your fiancee. Perhaps, when she does it again, he can respond saying, awww, but I want Klear in the house, she's fun to have around, don't you think? She needs to start understanding that her daddy wants you around, and you're not going away just because she doesn't want to share him. I'll leave the rest of the advice to other step-parents

 

[john pape]

Trying to avoid drowning in the Step Mother world, and as bee conscious any aspects in life those provide us best role in life so we will maintain a best standard in life and never create difference in relationship.

 

[john pape]

Trying to avoid drowning in the Step Mother world, and as bee conscious any aspects in life those provide us best role in life so we will maintain a best standard in life and never create difference in relationship.
Boot Camp Leawood

 

[john pape]

Trying to avoid drowning in the Step Mother world because there is a lot of confusion create so be active and smart any way of life for best health and care all family members for best health and happiness.

 

[bluebell]

Klear Stepmom2B: My situation is very similar to yours. I understand not having that instant connection, and different houses having different rules. (Although in my case it's our house that needs to change the rules (to match her mothers) and the bf being resistant to the changes.)

It's also frustrating to know that so many people think that you have no say because you are not the parent, yet it all affects your life in so many ways that how can you not have some sort of say?

 

[StepMom_to_be]

Hi there Klear,

You're not the only one who feels like she's drowning at times. I'm engaged to dad who has 2 boys (ages 8 and 10). He has 50/50 custody. We live about 5 minutes from his ex and her family. They use a shared google calendar so there's no real set days. It's every few days and then the switch. On those days where I feel like I have no idea what i'm doing; I take a deep breath and reach out to my fiance. From what I've heard from other parents, no one is perfect. Some days we're going to make mistakes..what's important is to keep open communication and ask for help when you need it.