Uncertain About Discovery About Son...

[Hannah]

My son is 17, and will be graduating high school in June of this year. My husband and I have always practiced a style of parenting where we give him objective information about life issues, and let him make his own decisions, sometimes helping him logic out tough situations. Although he certainly does have his privacy, I've always been happy that he's been comfortable opening up to us from time to time. I'm proud to say that he is at the top of all of his classes, and will likely be going to his 1st choice university in the fall (and out of town).

Now to the discovery. I went to use the computer after my son had been using it, and when I went into the browser history to look at a page I had been using earlier that day, there were a whole bunch of websites there that made it pretty obvious that my son has a smoking fetish. I talked this over with my husband, and we're pretty sure that our son hasn't even tried smoking cigarettes (or anything else for that matter... in all our conversations he's come off as against the idea of drug use, including alcohol), and my husband just seemed to think it was harmless fantasy, and that we shouldn't bring it up with our son and embarrass him all because he'd forgotten to enable "Private Browsing."

I'm still concerned, however, that this "harmless fantasy," when combined with the greater independence of university, may lead him to start smoking. We have been letting him make his own decisions for most of his life though (and he's always chosen "correctly" in our minds... though we were prepared for him to choose otherwise), but I'm now torn between letting him continue to do so, or stepping in and voicing my concern. I was hoping the people on this forum could give me some advice.

 

[Kaytee]

I think if if him looking at cigerettes is the worse, then don't be concerned. What types of websites are out there about smoking? Are htey like Marlboro's site or something? (serious question not mocking)

 

[Hannah]

The websites that I saw in the history were rather varied. It looked like he had been reading some forum posts by people who were starting smoking or were coming off as pro-smoking. There was also a story website, that had stories about girls starting to smoke. There were also a few websites with pictures (ranging from candids of women smoking, to more pornographic images), and there was also a Youtube video of a couple girls smoking cigarettes in a car.

 

[Kaytee]

hmm who would hav thought that people would have smoking fetishes!

Your son seems like he is a good kid, I would ignore it in a sense. Before he leaves to go to college, sit down and have a serious talk with him. Do not treat him like a baby or that he doesn't know, but as an adult.

He is going to be tempted by many things when he goes. All we can do is trust that they will make the right decisions. He might try smoking but hopefully he will make the right choice to NOT smoke.

 

[musicmom]

I don't think there is such a thing as a smoking fetish. That's absurd. There is nothing you can do. He's 17. Smoking is the least of things to come. If he's going to try it he'll rather like it or not. Have a talk with him. Maybe he was researching. I think you are jumping the gun.

 

[jenilouise]

You are going to have to have a talk with him anyways before he leaves for University so just include smoking in that talk. Then he will not feel his privacy has been invaded but you can still get your message across.

 

[FooserX]

Your son seems like he is a good kid, I would ignore it in a sense.

Wow, that is just so crazy KT.

I would never let anything go as a parent. Obviously seeing all these website hits is concerning as a parent. It could be that he's researching something, or it could be that he's interested in smoking. Whatever the case...no harm can be done by talking to him and seeing what he's up to. Talk to him asap! Put your mind at ease! Put his mind at ease too!

Ignore it....ugh! That's the last thing you should do as a parent!

 

[FooserX]

Smoking is the least of things to come.

Um...I hope you don't mean that smoking is the least scary thing to worry about as a parent???

I would consider myself a failure as a parent if my son started smoking.

 

[Kaytee]

Wow, that is just so crazy KT.

I would never let anything go as a parent. Obviously seeing all these website hits is concerning as a parent. It could be that he's researching something, or it could be that he's interested in smoking. Whatever the case...no harm can be done by talking to him and seeing what he's up to. Talk to him asap! Put your mind at ease! Put his mind at ease too!

Ignore it....ugh! That's the last thing you should do as a parent!

Did you not read the entire post!! I said ignore it in a sense!!!!!!!!! To talk to him as an adult about the pressure and the experimenting!!!

Before he leaves to go to college, sit down and have a serious talk with him. Do not treat him like a baby or that he doesn't know, but as an adult.

He is going to be tempted by many things when he goes. All we can do is trust that they will make the right decisions. He might try smoking but hopefully he will make the right choice to NOT smoke.

 

[FooserX]

Did you not read the entire post!! I said ignore it in a sense!!!!!!!!! To talk to him as an adult about the pressure and the experimenting!!!

Ignore it in a sense....but then talk to him.

Right...how was I ever confused, you are so clear!

 

[Kaytee]

if you come right and and freak on a teenage kid about something like this they will go out and do it, just because you are a freak!!! Kids do things just to piss of their parents. If this poster freaks out on a kid who is looking at smoking pictures on the internet, backlash is no doubt going to follow

 

[FooserX]

First of all, no one said she needed to "freak out" on him.

Secondly...talking to a kid about something isn't going to automatically make them do it. Where do you come up with this ?

 

[Lissa]

I would consider myself a failure as a parent if my son started smoking.

That's ridiculous. Let your children smoke for God's sake. I started smoking at 16. That doesn't make me a bad person. There are much worse things.

 

[FooserX]

>>>>That's ridiculous. Let your children smoke for God's sake. I started smoking at 16.

lol....and look how you turned out!

>>>>There are much worse things.

That is a horrible argument.

There are worse things, so may as well concede this one?

Nice.

 

[Lissa]

There are worse things, so may as well concede this one?

Um....drugs?

*lights up*

 

[FooserX]

You disgust me.

 

[Lissa]

You disgust me.

Mission accomplished.:jiggy:

 

[Kaytee]

You are going to have to have a talk with him anyways before he leaves for University so just include smoking in that talk. Then he will not feel his privacy has been invaded but you can still get your message across.

here you go Fooser. MOST parents would go this route!! This child is 17, my God in half of your other posts on different threads you are all about kicking kids out at this age! That would be freaking out and will have backlash. This is not a child, this is a 17 year old that wil be legally able to smoke soon. Not that that is the right thing. BUT this is a good kid from what the poster has said and most likely will make the right decision regarding it

 

[Ari2]

Hannah, I don't mean to nitpick, but is "fetish" the word you intended? Does he has a sexual interest in smoking, rather than just a fascination with smoking? If it is truly a sexualized interest (i.e., fetish), I have no advice.

If he is just fascinated by it, can you talk to him about smoking? Have you talked to him about smoking in the past? I would be interested to know what he finds so attractive about smoking and what influences lead him to this conclusion? He may need more information about the very unglamorous side of smoking: the smell (a big turn-off for a lot teenagers), the stained teeth and fingers (ditto), the phlegmy cough, the huge cost. I'm not mentioning the long-term ugly effects like emphysema and lung cancer because I think these are too remote for most teenagers to grasp. Just the present-day stuff is unattractive enough.

I would try to talk to him without indicating what you discovered on the computer. All you can do is give him the information and let him know your feelings and the rules while he lives at your house. Hopefully, the information and influence will carry over while he is in college and help him continue to make good choices (he hasn't started smoking yet).

And congratulations on raising such a good kid!

 

[veronicadavis]

My mother is a smoker and she never once told me not to smoke. When my sister started smoking, she even bought her cigarettes! I don't smoke because I think it stinks and I know it costs a lot of money...and of course the health reasons.

In my opinion, a 17 year old should be allowed to make his own decisions, besides, what are you going to do if he does smoke? I think if you tell him how you feel and give him the honest facts and tell him you trust him to make the right decision, you shouldn't have a problem. (also, many people won't date a smoker, I know I wouldn't, make sure you tell him that) Curiosity might make him try it, but I "tried" a cigarette once and it was nasty and it burned and well, I honestly don't know why anyone would WANT to smoke! If he's as smart as you say, he was probably looking things up so he could try to help a friend who smokes or do research for school or something.

The idea of a "smoking fetish" just sounds silly.

And its not an invasion of privacy to look at the sites that were looked at on your computer, don't play games and pretend your psychic or something, just be honest.