Uncertain About Discovery About Son...
- Thread starter Hannah
- Start date
Thanks for the range of opinions. I'll address some of the issues brought up in this post.
To begin, I did indeed mean "fetish." I first thought it to be that when I saw that word on one of the web pages that I saw he had visited. I thought it sounded strange, and I thought it was probably rare, but a Google search of "smoking fetish" turns up over 3.5 million pages (I guess for comparison's sake, I'd heard of the "foot fetish" before, and a search of that gives over 12 million hits). So, what worries me is that this is not just curiousity in trying smoking, but a sexualized interest in smoking. We have talked periodically (and in depth when he began high school) about the range of health, psychological, social, and economical issues surrounding smoking (and drug use as well), and I remember being relieved on multiple occasions (but not recently) when he reflected aloud that he doesn't see the risk and inconvenience as worth the rewards of smoking. But when I look at these fetish sites, some of them seem to emphasize things like the smell of smoke, stains on fingers and teeth, and even the hardships the smoker faces, like they're positive aspects... like they're something that is supposed to arouse the fetishist. Hopefully I'm being too paranoid here.
But I guess this brings me to another dilemma. Our parenting style has basically been motivated by the desire to turn our son into a happy adult. My husband and I were both saddled in our early adult lives by anxieties related to not having our parents there anymore to tell us in no uncertain terms what we should do in even the most trivial of situations. That is why we've been focussing on making sure he knows what there is to know about a subject, and letting him reason to his own decision. My husband and I both think, as far as we're concerned (though we recognize that there are people who will disagree), that there are more sources of unhappiness in smoking than there are happiness, and we thought our son thought this too. But if you throw in a sexual attraction to all the "good" things about smoking, and a lot of the "bad" things, I can see how his assessment might change. Hopefully he was just researching, but I have this feeling, call it "mother's instinct," that he was not.
So, I guess the dilemma is that even though I feel as if I should try as hard as I can to stop him from smoking, I ultimately just want him to be happy... so now I worry about how happy he will be if he feels the way I think he does about smoking but represses it all due to me actively trying to guide him as opposed to letting him decide for himself what to do with his life.
To begin, I did indeed mean "fetish." I first thought it to be that when I saw that word on one of the web pages that I saw he had visited. I thought it sounded strange, and I thought it was probably rare, but a Google search of "smoking fetish" turns up over 3.5 million pages (I guess for comparison's sake, I'd heard of the "foot fetish" before, and a search of that gives over 12 million hits). So, what worries me is that this is not just curiousity in trying smoking, but a sexualized interest in smoking. We have talked periodically (and in depth when he began high school) about the range of health, psychological, social, and economical issues surrounding smoking (and drug use as well), and I remember being relieved on multiple occasions (but not recently) when he reflected aloud that he doesn't see the risk and inconvenience as worth the rewards of smoking. But when I look at these fetish sites, some of them seem to emphasize things like the smell of smoke, stains on fingers and teeth, and even the hardships the smoker faces, like they're positive aspects... like they're something that is supposed to arouse the fetishist. Hopefully I'm being too paranoid here.
But I guess this brings me to another dilemma. Our parenting style has basically been motivated by the desire to turn our son into a happy adult. My husband and I were both saddled in our early adult lives by anxieties related to not having our parents there anymore to tell us in no uncertain terms what we should do in even the most trivial of situations. That is why we've been focussing on making sure he knows what there is to know about a subject, and letting him reason to his own decision. My husband and I both think, as far as we're concerned (though we recognize that there are people who will disagree), that there are more sources of unhappiness in smoking than there are happiness, and we thought our son thought this too. But if you throw in a sexual attraction to all the "good" things about smoking, and a lot of the "bad" things, I can see how his assessment might change. Hopefully he was just researching, but I have this feeling, call it "mother's instinct," that he was not.
So, I guess the dilemma is that even though I feel as if I should try as hard as I can to stop him from smoking, I ultimately just want him to be happy... so now I worry about how happy he will be if he feels the way I think he does about smoking but represses it all due to me actively trying to guide him as opposed to letting him decide for himself what to do with his life.
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<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>>>>To begin, I did indeed mean "fetish." <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
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<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>How weird. Maybe he was just researching it. I mean…I’m even curious now that you’ve described it. I’ve never heard of such a thing – maybe he just wanted to learn about it. <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>>>>So, I guess the dilemma is that even though I feel as if I should try as hard as I can to stop him from smoking, I ultimately just want him to be happy... so now I worry about how happy he will be if he feels the way I think he does about smoking but represses it all due to me actively trying to guide him as opposed to letting him decide for himself what to do with his life.<e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>Would you feel the same if he was interested in drugs? Would you want him to be happy addicted to cocaine? I don’t see why this is any different. He’s old enough, but still living under your roof…so I think you should sit him down and talk to him about it again. It doesn’t have to be in an authoritarian tone, to where he won’t listen, or might resent you…just…remind him of all the negatives. And if all else fails, like he sounds like he will smoke anyway, just tell him he can’t since he’s still living with you. Lol. And if he wants to move out, then he can smoke beans for all you care….just not in your house. <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>Seems like a reasonable response to me!<e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR></r>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>>>>To begin, I did indeed mean "fetish." <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>How weird. Maybe he was just researching it. I mean…I’m even curious now that you’ve described it. I’ve never heard of such a thing – maybe he just wanted to learn about it. <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>>>>So, I guess the dilemma is that even though I feel as if I should try as hard as I can to stop him from smoking, I ultimately just want him to be happy... so now I worry about how happy he will be if he feels the way I think he does about smoking but represses it all due to me actively trying to guide him as opposed to letting him decide for himself what to do with his life.<e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>Would you feel the same if he was interested in drugs? Would you want him to be happy addicted to cocaine? I don’t see why this is any different. He’s old enough, but still living under your roof…so I think you should sit him down and talk to him about it again. It doesn’t have to be in an authoritarian tone, to where he won’t listen, or might resent you…just…remind him of all the negatives. And if all else fails, like he sounds like he will smoke anyway, just tell him he can’t since he’s still living with you. Lol. And if he wants to move out, then he can smoke beans for all you care….just not in your house. <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR><br/>
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>Seems like a reasonable response to me!<e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR></r>
i would just let this slide. He is 17 not 12. I am assuming the pictures were a little risque as opposed to xxx hardcore and l speak from experience here when I say that if tobacco was the only thing my parents had to worry about when I was a student they would have been over the moon.
I dare say that I do know a little bit about men's smoking fetishes. I smoked for years unfortunately and I once had a boyfriend who shared this fantasy. He did not smoke and had no desire to but, for some reason, seeing a woman smoke cigarettes was very erotic to him...I don't understand it at all but boys will be boys.
I would imagine that this is a relatively safe fantasy without much risk of harm or complications. I hope with all of my heart that he does not take up smoking but looking at pics of women smoking is safe for his lungs and an expression of his sexual individuality.
He's almost a man now so I would not let him know that you've come across this info. Just keep being the caring, loving parents you obviously are and have faith that you've taught him what he needs to know to go out in the world and make you proud.
NaNa Jennifer
I would imagine that this is a relatively safe fantasy without much risk of harm or complications. I hope with all of my heart that he does not take up smoking but looking at pics of women smoking is safe for his lungs and an expression of his sexual individuality.
He's almost a man now so I would not let him know that you've come across this info. Just keep being the caring, loving parents you obviously are and have faith that you've taught him what he needs to know to go out in the world and make you proud.
NaNa Jennifer
musicmom said:That's a new one on me. I thought I have seen and heard it all but seeing someone smoking is a turn on?? I think I'm going to have a fetish of not watching people die of cancer
I love it! I'll join you in that fetish. Smoking is a horrible addiction, speaking from one who knows!
I guess I must have skimmed the first post, because I totally missed the point that it was a smoking fetish.NaNaJennifer said:
I am no longer shocked\surprised about sexual fetishes. Some people have feet fetishes, ear, nose, fingers, underwear, etc, etc, etc. And for most people it is rather harmless, they just need to find a partner that is OK with it, and surprising enough, most people do find a partner that says "<I>That's cool, you know what I like to do......</I>"
hes 17 he should be able to make his own choices but you should also be able to direct him the right way. i agree with the talking to him method just sit down with him and have a talk with him about this could-be problem.
I would talk to him about it casually when talking about university, I think that you should talk about the way you would do things, but clearly state that choices will be up to him once he is an adult. Also I might talk to him about sexual content (though I would have already, you may not have discussed this), since you said that some of these web pages also had pornagraphic content.
i agree 100% with unmanaged. but the talk should just happen in casual talking with your son like in the dinner table or something.unmanaged said: