Unsociable Child...

[adoptive dad]

Today we got a letter from Mathew's nursery that said the following:

We have recently noticed a change in Mathew's social interaction, he seems to spend less time in group play, preferring activities which don't include the need for others to participate.

The letter went on to say:

Nursery staff have also noticed that he spends time attached to members of staff.

Now Mathew has always been quieter than others but he has never distanced himself. It must be serious for the nursery to contact us. It also seems odd because at home Mathew is always joining in with games Caitlyn and Tyger are doing. The fact he attaches to adults is nothing new he's always doing as much as he can with me and fern. What I would really like your advise on is what to do about him spending less time with his peers. Is there anything we can do?

 

[randomperson]

Perhaps he has trouble differentiating between school and home? Maybe he considers his family to be his actual playmates. My advice may not be very helpful or good, but I've discussed the issue of shyness with the school tonnes of times.

What I was told to do is to try and help him understand the difference between friends and family. If at first he's usually shy and refuses to approach anyone you should try to encourage an activity with you, him and a peer of his. That way, the barriers are broken.

I'm not very knowledgable on this subject and am just drawing to a conclusion based on the information you provided and hints and tips the school told me.

You could also encourage him to speak more and give him more roles in a conversation. For example; Keep your speaking roles to anything that involves a follow-up question or statement.

I wouldn't know what to think of the letter. I guess it would depend on what the school means by 'change in social interaction' and what you consider to be a serious problem.

I've been trying this for a month now and I've noticed a change. It's not much, but it's a change. However, I'm hardly a good source, I think that the best thing you can do is talk to the nursery and ask them what they think.

P.S: My brother's name is Matthew too.

 

[adoptive dad]

Thanks Randomperson. I think we will try the idea of an activity which Mathew me and fern and one of his peers take part in. We'll also look at cutting back our roles in conversation. Thanks for your help

And Mathew is an awesome name

 

[akmom]

That doesn't sound like unusual behavior at all. I volunteer at my
daughter's school 4 hours/week, and the kids are constantly slipping away from their assigned groups to solicit attention from the teacher and volunteers.

These are kindergartners and first graders. They crave affirmation and
attention from adults. Telling their peers a story is one thing, but telling a teacher or parent is so much more exciting! We have techniques for
acknowledging but redirecting them, so they don't monopolize staff time. They will literally form lines waiting to get an adult's attention, or start talking over each other, if we do not keep organized. The way it is handled at my daughter's school is this: students must ask a minimum of three students for help before they can ask an adult; students work in groups of four for 15 minute intervals, during which they are called away one at a time to work individually with a staff or volunteer; when a student is given a turn to talk, they are reminded to direct their comments at the whole class, not just the teacher.

Being able to keep the kids focused and occupied is the responsibility of the nursery staff. There is very little you can do about it if you're not there. If he is behaving badly or struggling with social tasks, then they need to be more specific, so you can discuss and practice these skills at home. Just complaining that your child is clingy or shy, or that they don't want to deal with him, sounds like a cop-out. They should be more organized; there are many ways to handle this tendency in children.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I would be ticked off. What is that supposed to mean? So he prefers to play by himself... Is that anything wrong?
As it comes to scheduled activities, I understand he needs to learn to participate as a part of a group. But when it comes to play, just let him be!!! What happened to respect for individual autonomy???

 

[stjohnjulie]

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like it is unusual behavior. All kids are different. But maybe what they are trying to say is this is unusual for Matthew? Is what you wrote all the letter says? If that is all the letter said I would be with TabascoNatalie and akmom, thinking that there is not something wrong with Matthew, there is something off about the nursery. I think I would ask to have a meeting with the person who wrote the note so you can get clear on what they believe the problem is and have them give you some ideas on how you can do things at home that will help support what they are trying to achieve while he is at school.

 

[adoptive dad]

I think the letter was more informing us of their concerns (one of their policies). They emphisised the change part of the first section. They said that it had become a recent thing. The bit that we didn't understand was the attachment to adults. He's always had strong attachments to adults he trusts. His early childhood missed a lot of parent/child nurturing. The nursery are aware of this and said they would deal with it professionally (doesn't seem very professional to me). As for the interaction with peers - I agree with akmom the nursery has responsibility to have solutions which we are told about and agree to etc.

Tabasconatile: we thought that and wondered if it was set activities but no the letter said 'group play' not 'group activities'.

Fern rang them today, hoping to get an appointment with the head nursery nurse, which she got eventually after threatening to move nursery. So we'll see what happens but after today and what you guys have said we can see something isn't right and we want to know what.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Would love to hear an update after your meeting. Having to make a threat to get a meeting is a HUGE red flag to me. Good luck!

 

[CHavens]

Good Morning,

I might as well say this first - I am looking these posts through the eyes of an educator and those realities that most educators would never admit. It seems to me the nursery employees might just want him to interact with the other children because it is easier for them. Akmom is right, any person working with children should be able to redirect their attention back on their peers while making them feel they have been heard. To do anything less is simple laziness. The speed with which they responded to you after you threatened to pull him out also raises a red flag for me. The main thing to keep in mind is nursery school is primarily designed to let children dip their toes into the waters of school. Nothing more. The job of all the adults involved should be to make them comfortable doing this and excited to go further.

I hope it all works out.

~C

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Tabasconatile: we thought that and wondered if it was set activities but no the letter said 'group play' not 'group activities'.

Well, i mean -- some types of play are a part of curriculum.

 

[CHavens]

Well, i mean -- some types of play are a part of curriculum.

Very very true, but it is the job of the professional to get the child on task even if that means getting them to play.

 

[adoptive dad]

Very very true, but it is the job of the professional to get the child on task even if that means getting them to play.

Yes coming from a professional working with kids in the arts, I agree it is our job to get the child/ren on task. But the letter made it sound like they were struggling we chose then through a friend who recomended them, we haven't been sure about the leadership over thr last 6 months or so. The support they once gave has gone downhill to. We ended the appointment to day by informing them we're taking him out he starts school in December anyway. We plan to either find another nursery or just find other childcare options.

Before anyone asks here in the UK kids start their formal education in what's called receptio, which they start in December of the school year they turn 5. They then go through 11 years of formal education followed by atleast two years further training either at Sixthform level or equivalant. I am aware this is different in the US and other places.

 

[akmom]

Receptio must be the UK equivalent of U.S. kindergarten.

 

[adoptive dad]

Yeah that's probably the closest equivilant

 

[parentastic]

I would look for possible bullying issues with other kids.
That could explain a sudden change of behavior for isolation / loneliness / attaching to staff. Better be safe than sorry and investigate this possibility.

 

[Andrew W.]

I would take the message from the nursery at its face value: They have noticed a change in Mathew's social interaction. They are not saying either behaviour is better, but a sudden change in behaviour by a child that age could mean something, and they are giving you a heads up.