Update - My life...

[IADad]

I am incredibly sad this morning. DW and I had a discussion, and she's all stressed about extra rehearsals for band, nevermind that I had a plan for how to take care of everything, getting kids to and from soccer tonight, but it's too stressful for her, so she said we need to talk about whether I really need to be at every rehearsal. Yes, I need to be at pretty much every fricken rehearsal. It's like asking if you really need all four wheels on a car, sure occasionally you can limp a few block on a flat or drive to a station with a donut spare, but pretty much you need all four tires.

She doesn't understand this world and it causes both of us stress, on top of the money stress, so I'm considering resigning from band, closing my internet accounts, quiting my fantasy football league, maybe getting a moonlighting job and seeing if I can fix some of my crappy life. I love my kids and I want them to be happy. I want to be happy with them. It just seems really obvious this morning that I need to simplify life. But I'm not an impulsive person. I'm contemplating, but it doesn't seem like scaling back and compromising makes much sense, it'll just rear it's ugly head later.

So, don't be surprised if I disappear. I'll drop a note before I do. But it seems like I'm headed that way.

 

[Dadu2004]

MMM.... Disappearing isn't advisable. Step back if you must, but don't disappear. Do what you have to do for your kids brother.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Everyone should give up fantasy football leagues!

Here is where I pry, on average how much time a week do you spend in rehearsals and how much time do you spend on the internet?

If time as a family is one of the issues causing you stress, then surely replacing the internet/band with a job isn't going to help that at all. You can choose to take time away from the computer/reduce that time, just as you can ask to drop maybe one rehearsal. But you can't exactly pick and choose when you do to work, and we know it is hard to give up an extra job as it is hard to go back to a lower wage.

 

[IADad]

good point about jobs.

and no I can't give up a rehearsal here or there. It doesn't work that way, that's like saying "Okay, I'm going to drive my car with only 3 wheels today." Sure you can limp along on a flat a short while, or make it to town on a limited mileage spare but in general you need all the parts there working together.

I'm not so concerned about the amount of time, and part of it was my consternation that if I'm giving up on thing I'll replace it with something that'll do some good. Otherwise, I'll just sit at home and be bitter toward her.

 

[Jeremy+3]

It is a choice to attend a rehearsal though, it is not a choice to go to your next shift at work, one of them negatively impacts on your family as you will be short financially, the other doesn't.

 

[mom2many]

Not cool....I agree about not disappearing, but instead stepping back.

I didn't know you were in a band, how long?

Fantasy football..........really?

 

[Xero]

Aw... I'm sorry IADad. It was one of those arguments where wife is resentful of the stuff husband likes to do, huh? DH and I have been there too. Honestly I bet this will blow over, I bet she doesn't really want you to quit all the things you like to do so you can devote yourself to the things she'd rather you be doing. I'm sure you guys just got heated during a period of stress and all that stuff just comes up. You need to be able to do things that make you happy, otherwise even the constructive things in your life will suffer. We all know that. I think if anything, maybe you can drop one thing just to be the good husband. It sounds like maybe a lot (just a guess - I'm not your wife haha so I don't know for sure) between band, internet, fantasy football. And then of course I don't know what she does for herself in comparison either. But if you think things could be easier by maybe just giving up one thing that is your least favorite? It might really make you into the good guy. I know that still sounds shitty though, don't get me wrong.

I get like that sometimes with DH and he'll blow up and say f*ck everything, I just wont do anything then blah blah blah, but once we're over it he knows its not the rational thing to do, but rather to cut down a bit on things if stuff gets too stressful.

There is always a happy medium. It never feels good to argue, or feel you're made out to be the bad guy. You're an awesome dad and husband, you guys can work it out.

 

[Kali]

I'm sorry to hear about your fight with DW, IADad. Maybe you could both sit down and have a calm discussion about what you could both do to make each other's lives easier. You shouldn't be the only one bending and giving up. It needs to be an equal partnership.

Try to figure out her real problem. Is she jealous that you have so many things you like to do? Maybe you could discuss some hobbies or things she can do in her free time. Is she upset because she is feeling like she is pulling most of the weight? If so, maybe you could calmly discuss a way to help out more without giving up what you love. If you give up what you love, it will make you just as resentful as she is.

Good luck! I'd miss ya if you left. You give some awesome advice!

 

[singledad]

I think we NEED to do things we enjoy, even though it doesn't seem to have any real benefits. I gave up a lot of things when Steffi was born, in order to make more money and so enable Thea to become a SAHM. I did it because I believed that I was being a good father and husband, but lately I haven't been so sure that it was the right thing to do. After Thea passed away, I moved to a less demanding but lower paying job nearer to my home, and I believe that was one of the best decisions of my life. Now, I have more time for my DD, and more time for me. I posted in another thread a while ago that I'm a better person and a better dad when I stick to my running schedule - and its not just about the serotonin - its about getting out, getting away from the stress for an hour, and clearing my head. Without it, I become stressed and irritable, and then everyone suffer - my DD most of all.

Do you really NEED an extra job? Will the extra money make up for the added stress and the extra time away from your family? Will giving up the things that you enjoy, and that helps you relax, really make you a better husband and father? I think these are the questions you need to answer for yourself before you make a decision.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I'm sorry you are sad. I hate fighting. I agree with what has been said already (for the most part anyhow), but I'd like to add something else..... How much time do you and DW spend together? Alone? Like the two of you by yourselves?

I'm kind of embarrassed to say how I came about it, but when I took on a business partner I really found that it was extremely necessary to nurture the 'partnership' relationships I have in my life. I found that if I don't spend time with my hubby, or my business partner, away from the 'work' aspects of our lives, our relationships tend to suffer. We constantly need to reconnect so that we WANT to help one another. WANT to see the other person relax and enjoy themselves even if it means we have to step up and do everything for a little while.

When I don't take the time, make the effort, what I tend to notice is that both sides of the partnerships will start to keep score if ya know what I mean. That is just not healthy for anyone.

I wouldn't cut things out totally, you will be stressed out and you will resent your wife and that is a recipe for disaster. Maybe try to take the time to reconnect with the wife and things will just fall into place. I know sometimes it's hard to find the time....but maybe you two could hold hands and take a little walk, or sit outside and have a cup of coffee or hot chocolate. Doesn't have to be anything extravagant, just 15 minutes of 'us' time can help out a lot.

Good luck!! Let us know how things are going.

 

[IADad]

First off, thanks evveryone for your comments and insight. it really means a lot to me that you took the time to think of all those things to try to make stuff better.

It did blow over. DW does this, and I know it, I shouldn't let it immediately effect me. She get's stressed, dumps on me, then comes back 1/2 hr later with "you know I was just blowing off steam, don't take me seriously when I do that." The thing is, I do take things personally, I take everything too personally.

We talked, I need to do a better job of keeping her in the loop on schedules. We need to do abetter job on scheduling everything, and we need to find those little times to talk. We tend to come home, split up kid and household duties then meet up again to sleep.

 

[Xero]

If you don't already have one, get a calendar and hang it up! I love mine, I write everything on it as soon as I find out about it, so I always know what's happening and when.

 

[IADad]

Not cool....I agree about not disappearing, but instead stepping back.

I didn't know you were in a band, how long?

Fantasy football..........really?

I almost forogt to respond to you....

yeah Fantasy FB, why is that bad? I spend almost not time on it, got roped into it years ago, it's hard to break free.

Yes, I play in a british style brass band. going on my 12th year.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Essentially IADad fantasy football must only be played by those under 20 or old enough to wear a cardigan, however don't worry there is help out there, and we'll get you sorted soon enough.

 

[IADad]

Essentially IADad fantasy football must only be played by those under 20 or old enough to wear a cardigan, however don't worry there is help out there, and we'll get you sorted soon enough.

how old must one be to wear a cardigan? I may fit that catogory. And we're talking fantasy american football here btw. The stereotypical FFB player here is male, overweight 30-50 and likes beer and chicken wings...I fit the demographic pretty closely.

 

[Kali]

LMAO Same demographic here, IADad. My guy fits that description, too!

 

[Xero]

how old must one be to wear a cardigan? I may fit that catogory. And we're talking fantasy american football here btw. The stereotypical FFB player here is male, overweight 30-50 and likes beer and chicken wings...I fit the demographic pretty closely.

Its true, that's the average FFB player in America lol.

 

[Jeremy+3]

how old must one be to wear a cardigan? I may fit that catogory. And we're talking fantasy american football here btw. The stereotypical FFB player here is male, overweight 30-50 and likes beer and chicken wings...I fit the demographic pretty closely.

About 65 and with signs of dementia! I have a lot of work to do, on a fantasy football note Fifa is out today here, I drove the children to school and there was a massive queue outside.

 

[IADad]

About 65 and with signs of dementia! I have a lot of work to do, on a fantasy football note Fifa is out today here, I drove the children to school and there was a massive queue outside.

it came out here a few days back. i refuse tto get it until it's asked begged and pleaded for, they haven't really discovered playing soccer on TV yet. I just bought a used copy of FIFA 2008 or something, because they don't know any of the players anyway, it's really no different. We'll see if they ever get into it. It may be winter before they find the time to play it.

I must say the thought of playing fantasy association football is numbing to mee, the numbers in the stats are so small, it'd be tedious to follow the points. I think it's quite a different game.

 

[centrix1976]

First off, thanks evveryone for your comments and insight. it really means a lot to me that you took the time to think of all those things to try to make stuff better.

It did blow over. DW does this, and I know it, I shouldn't let it immediately effect me. She get's stressed, dumps on me, then comes back 1/2 hr later with "you know I was just blowing off steam, don't take me seriously when I do that." The thing is, I do take things personally, I take everything too personally.

We talked, I need to do a better job of keeping her in the loop on schedules. We need to do abetter job on scheduling everything, and we need to find those little times to talk. We tend to come home, split up kid and household duties then meet up again to sleep.

I have to agree w/ Xero on the calender. Initially I had to do it for myself but for the hubby also (sorry haven't had a chance to look through the dictionary yet). After quitting my job which was very high volume, high stress legal work I kind of became a butterfly in the wind. Just doing what needed to be done next with no rhyme or reason and wasting a lot of time and gas in between. I went to Target and got a magnetic, dry-erase 'daily' calender and put it up on the fridge. I wrote all the kids' practice and game times and my daily tasks (i.e. food shopping, post office, mall, etc..) No more frantic phone calls from hubby asking 'where could you possibly be now'????? Now seeing everything in writing helps to plan a route and save gas. Next week I'm going to start adding my menu for the week and hopefully save money on groceries instead of running to the store 3 times a week.