So, bssage raised an interesting question in my thread about boundaries and consequences, and I decided to take his suggestion to turn it into a separate conversation. I'm putting it in general, because I'm not sure if it fits under debate. Perhaps it can be moved at some point.
IMO the boundaries of verbal abuse, just like any other form of abuse, is inherently vague and fluid. Some people are simply more sensitive than others. It is made even more difficult by the fact that verbal abuse is a progressive thing.
Shouting at or putting your child down once, twice, or even a dozen times in their life, will IMO not make much of a difference. She will possibly just remember it as a single, hurtful event. Or not at all, depending on how sensitive she is. The problem comes in when it happens regularly.
IMO verbal abuse is rarely intense or explosive enough for a single event to leave the kind of impression that, say, a severe beating will. Words can be cruel enough for a single message to leave a child traumatised, but I think something like that takes a level of malice that is beyond a simple parenting mistake. It simply isn't something a loving parent will do accidentally.
However, something as subtle as a sign whenever a child approaches you, talking to a child with an irritated tone of voice, or saying to a child "don't be stupid", if it happens repeatedly over time, progressively damages the child's self-image. If it happens once, the response can be anything from "oops, daddy's in a bad mood", to "daddy must be mad at me - what did I do wrong?" but if it happens continuously, it becomes "daddy never wants to talk to me. There must be something wrong with me". From there, it is a short step to "I don't deserve any better".
I think the big thing that we as parents need to do, is to be aware of how we interact, not only with our children, but also with other adults around our children. IMO verbal abuse is the one form of abuse that can happen unintentionally, due to nothing more than a lack of awareness from the parent. It is so easy to fall into the trap of raising our voices in anger, of showing frustration/irritation, or of being too critical, in an attempt to teach. We are all human, after all.
I have more to say on this topic, but I have spend some time actually earning my salary first
Here is my answer:bssage said:I think one of the underlying components making it a difficult topic to talk about. Is that definitions are unclear and vary widely from person to person. When does a raised voice become a yell? When does an attempt to be heard become something hurtful? My go to (the Wiki) even is vague with its definition. SD I think you will find the 5th paragraph interesting.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse
IMO the boundaries of verbal abuse, just like any other form of abuse, is inherently vague and fluid. Some people are simply more sensitive than others. It is made even more difficult by the fact that verbal abuse is a progressive thing.
Shouting at or putting your child down once, twice, or even a dozen times in their life, will IMO not make much of a difference. She will possibly just remember it as a single, hurtful event. Or not at all, depending on how sensitive she is. The problem comes in when it happens regularly.
IMO verbal abuse is rarely intense or explosive enough for a single event to leave the kind of impression that, say, a severe beating will. Words can be cruel enough for a single message to leave a child traumatised, but I think something like that takes a level of malice that is beyond a simple parenting mistake. It simply isn't something a loving parent will do accidentally.
However, something as subtle as a sign whenever a child approaches you, talking to a child with an irritated tone of voice, or saying to a child "don't be stupid", if it happens repeatedly over time, progressively damages the child's self-image. If it happens once, the response can be anything from "oops, daddy's in a bad mood", to "daddy must be mad at me - what did I do wrong?" but if it happens continuously, it becomes "daddy never wants to talk to me. There must be something wrong with me". From there, it is a short step to "I don't deserve any better".
I think the big thing that we as parents need to do, is to be aware of how we interact, not only with our children, but also with other adults around our children. IMO verbal abuse is the one form of abuse that can happen unintentionally, due to nothing more than a lack of awareness from the parent. It is so easy to fall into the trap of raising our voices in anger, of showing frustration/irritation, or of being too critical, in an attempt to teach. We are all human, after all.
I have more to say on this topic, but I have spend some time actually earning my salary first