What do you do when you just don't agree...

[NinJaBob]

My wife and I have too different parenting styles. We just can't get on the same page. She is way too lenient and I am probably too strict. We talk about it and agree to meet in the middle but when it's game time all of that goes out the window.

We both do what we do because we care about our children and want whats best for them but we just can't get through this wall that divides us. People always say that you have to be on the same page. I agree but that's easier said than done.

 

[Dadu2004]

It's definately easier said than done. Your sentence of "...when it's game time all of that goes out the window" says it all. When it's "game time" you both need to be absolutely cognisant of the situation and of others feelings. There's no point in compromise if you don't put it into practice!

 

[NinJaBob]

It's definately easier said than done. Your sentence of "...when it's game time all of that goes out the window" says it all. When it's "game time" you both need to be absolutely cognisant of the situation and of others feelings. There's no point in compromise if you don't put it into practice!

Agreed. But how do we set our own opinions/pride aside and get there?

 

[Dadu2004]

Check your egos at the door and do what you promised eachother you would do.

 

[NinJaBob]

Check your egos at the door and do what you promised eachother you would do.

It sounds easy but I just don't know. I really will give it an honest try I just don't know if she will and if she doesn't then what?

 

[Dadu2004]

Then that's on her...you give your best effort and lead the charge. Hopefully she'll see you trying and follow.

 

[NinJaBob]

Then that's on her...you give your best effort and lead the charge. Hopefully she'll see you trying and follow.

The problem with that is If I can bring it down a notch and can act like a normal person and she's still too easy on the kids then there's still a problem.

 

[Dadu2004]

Agreed....but we're going to hope that she sees your effort and she'll follow.

 

[NinJaBob]

Agreed....but we're going to hope that she sees your effort and she'll follow.

You've gotta have faith right?

<SIZE size="75">Not meant to be a George Michael quote.</SIZE>

 

[Dadu2004]

You've gotta have faith right?

<SIZE size="75">Not meant to be a George Michael quote.</SIZE>

I'll take this convo offline and email you...

 

[SeattleMom]

Taking a parenting class together can help get you on the same page. A good parenting class can provide an effective parenting strategy that you can both embrace (and you will know what your spouse is trying to accomplish which helps in being supportive of each other).

 

[TwinsTimesTwo]

That sounds like a tough situation because of your wife not following through with what you 'agree' upon. I've had my fair share of parenting disputes with my wife and my brother (the three of us share the parenting roles). I've found that if we hit a wall like it sounds like you have, it's really helpful to get someone outside the immediate family involved, kind of to help mediate and offer objective advice. You could go to a counselor, or just sit down with a mutual friend you both trust (my family does the latter).

I do think it's important you try to find a method you can both agree on and stick to, though, because mixed messages like that really aren't good for children.

I have a few horror stories about two of my friends whose parents were too lenient. They ended up getting into terrible trouble as teenagers. Think those might help? (mostly kidding, all though thinking of them always helps me lay down the law with my kids)

 

[NinJaBob]

You could go to a counselor, or just sit down with a mutual friend you both trust (my family does the latter).

We've tried marital counseling and it didn't work I won't go into the details but if anything it made things worse. I believe in counseling but have yet to find a descent counselor that takes our insurance. We don't have any unbiased friends or family.

I do think it's important you try to find a method you can both agree on and stick to, though, because mixed messages like that really aren't good for children.

Agreed

I have a few horror stories about two of my friends whose parents were too lenient. They ended up getting into terrible trouble as teenagers. Think those might help? (mostly kidding, all though thinking of them always helps me lay down the law with my kids)

I'm a product of parents that were too lenient. I turned out ok but I did a lot of wild stuff before I turned my life around.

 

[millerscow]

It's VEry hard. but as dadu2004 said you've both got to try no matter what. if you have to, sit down and discuss it and come up with some key words that the kids wont know about to remind each other of your goals a parenting couple. That can help keep the kids from knowing that you are correcting each other. But either way you both have to try to do it as we all should.

even with my kids being as young as they are, it's very hard to just give up but i can't and you can't and other parents can--otherwise the results could be criminals of some sort which is Not what any of us want.
Alot of it is self discipline such as not letting the little things that kids do bug us.

I'm sorry, I'm not very good at explaining what I mean.

 

[Jessie]

<SIZE size="150"><SIZE size="125">That’s a tough situation. Hubby are I are much like that as well... he’s more strict, I’m more lenient. But I’ve found that we actually work to balance each other out. We generally, like you guys, talk prior to discipline and usually don’t discipline when we’re still angry because then hubby, being the more strict one, is less likely to stick to some sort of reasonable discipline previously discussed.</SIZE>
<SIZE size="150">Someone mentioned parenting classes and I think that might be a good idea. </SIZE>
<SIZE size="150">Good luck!</SIZE>
</SIZE>

 

[bssage]

Jessie said it before I had a chance. My wife and are are the same I am to strict and she to lenient. My mom and dad were that way. I would guess that is better than say, both parents being to strict or visa versa. Likely a ballance is struck between the too.

Also (and I cant believe I have to tell you this phil) At game time she wins. I say that for several reasons other than she is the woman (which is the only reason you really need) She will likely be the implementer and maintaner of whatever action is decided. She also is more likely to be in the same situation on several occasions (this is assuming she like my wife spends a consideral amount of time with the kids than I do).

The biggest thing as far as finding a nuetral ground is to listen. Ask her just to listen to your point not to agree or disagree just listen. and you should try and do the same. Then at least you are not argueing you are talking.

Bryan

 

[NinJaBob]

Also (and I cant believe I have to tell you this phil) At game time she wins. I say that for several reasons other than she is the woman (which is the only reason you really need)

Sad but true

She will likely be the implementer and maintaner of whatever action is decided. She also is more likely to be in the same situation on several occasions (this is assuming she like my wife spends a consideral amount of time with the kids than I do).

Vicki is the main child raiser but they're still my kids.

The biggest thing as far as finding a nuetral ground is to listen. Ask her just to listen to your point not to agree or disagree just listen. and you should try and do the same. Then at least you are not arguing you are talking.

Bryan

Good Advice.

 

[Dadu2004]

Also (and I cant believe I have to tell you this phil) At game time she wins. I say that for several reasons other than she is the woman (which is the only reason you really need)

It doesn't have to be this way with good communication and cooperation skills.

 

[bssage]

I tried to qualify that statement further down in the post ( it was kinda a half joke).

There are extreme situations where I win but she generally has more staying power and more drive. And let me also qualify it by saying her point is usually valid its just not my point.

We generally can compromise on larger issues. On the smaller ones she wins.

She is also usally the one present at the time of the occurance so alot of my arguments would amount to me second guessing her judgment.

We both have the best intrest of the kids in mind. And we both know that.

Bryan

Also sometimes lossing=winning

 

[NinJaBob]

Also sometimes lossing=winning

Are you saying that sometimes you have to turn right to go left?

EDIT: Just kidding I follow you.