What might you do?...

[heidi]

I am 25 and pregnant with my first. I am 2/3 finished with my bachelor's degree, but have decided to put it on hold in order to move 1000 miles west to again be with/near all of my family for the birth and beginning of baby's life. My plan is to become more stable financially as well as the grounding that comes with knowing I have an even stronger familial bond - before returning to university.

In moving, I will be leaving the baby's father. He is more than a pill - lost custody &amp; visitation of his first child due to drug use (not using now), shows no impulse control and has thus screwed us up financially (it's always <I>something)</I>, loses his temper daily, and he has blatantly different parenting styles than I do. I only feel guilty for not leaving him <I>sooner</I> - I'm 21 weeks PG. I fly on Sunday. All of my extended family and friends have reinforced that this is the best option for me, which helps very much.

Now - I haven't told him yet that I am leaving in 5 days. I plan to tell him Saturday morning so that I have minimal negative vibes while sharing the same space. He's going to have financial issues because I've been carrying him for the last 5 months... I'll also have to take his phone because it's on my family plan. He's going to be a beast.. (verbally abusive situation).

Sometimes when he decides to argue with me (and see life from a negative standpoint, as he does), he stresses out that we may be a broken family and how awful that kind of life is. To him, a separated family isn't an option that he has explored as a reality/possibility. I believe that he will try and fight to be a part of our lives and have visitation. TBH?? I don't want his behavioral influences on our little girl... at all. This was not a planned pregnancy - please save the lecture.

My concern is on how to deal with him after I return home and begin to re-establish civil communication .. or if I should do so at all! I know that he won't be thinking rationally for some time after I tell him I'm leaving, so I can't take his words seriously until things settle down.

The ethical question here: Is it fair to the child to keep him out of our lives from the start?

If he can show me through his words and actions that he isn't Deadendsville after all, maybe in the future I wouldn't be so hesitant to have him in our lives... as of now I don't want child support from him if that means that he has visitation. I want to forego the headache.. but is it best for baby?

 

[musicmom]

I've been in your shoes and you are very brave and totally doing the right thing.

I think you should pack and leave without telling him until you are in saftey. Once you are gone then try and speak with him. If he is verbally abusive let him know that someone else is on the phone and you are recording everything.
I had newborn twins and a one year old and I had to do what was best just like you. I do not regret it for one moment. I regret I didn't do it sooner.
Addicts do not change their colors that fast, abusers do not think of a child in your stomach. I know, I was pushed, shoved, and hit by an addict.
After the baby is born you need to go with what your gut tells you. If I could not be with him while visitations happen then I would get supervised visitations.
Leaving sounds like your best bet. Good luck. Please let us know how you are doing. I know it's scary.

 

[FooserX]

Personally, I think 2 parents are better than one. Marraige is work, and if he's willing to make changes and work at being a better person, you owe it to your kid to give him another chance. Maybe he'll never be a good husband, but he can still be a good father.

I think it's outrageous you're moving away from the father and not telling him, but I don't know how bad he is...

 

[musicmom]

He is abusive! Is that baby's life worth that risk?

 

[HappyMomma]

drug use (not using now), shows no impulse control and has thus screwed us up financially (it's always <I>something)</I>, loses his temper daily
...
(verbally abusive situation).
...
I don't want his behavioral influences on our little girl... at all.

Two parents are great if there are <I>no abuse issues</I>.

I see this as more your protecting your child.

Abusers don't just change overnight... and sometimes don't change ever.

 

[Nikita]

This is a very tough situation, but I think that what needs to be considered is the safety of your child. I would do whatever would best for the baby. If it's safer moving away do it.

 

[FooserX]

He is abusive! Is that baby's life worth that risk?

I thought she just said verbally abusive?

I just said "I don't know her situation." I don't know how bad the guy is. It sounded like she's still leaving the door open in a way...so maybe he wasn't THAT horrible.

 

[musicmom]

She has to leave some sort of door open because he is the father of her child. She's getting the child out of harms way. Verbally sometimes turns in to more. If he is abusive towards her chances are good he will be that way to the child as well.
She also said it wasn't planned.

 

[Sirk]

The ethical question here: Is it fair to the child to keep him out of our lives from the start?

To answer it from a legal standpoint, you might not have a say in the matter. If he goes after visitation, he's going to get it. He spent all of 30 seconds making the kid so he's going to have rights over it.
If you have questions of safety, you can try for supervised visitation.

Child support and visitation are two totally different issues. Child support isn't a cover fee to see the kid. The courts won't say "since he pays for the kid, he now gets to see it."

 

[HappyMomma]

Verbal abuse is abuse as well. It can cause severe long term damage.

Sirk has a very good point. In the eyes of the law, custody and child support have nothing to do with each other.

 

[musicmom]

If you are breastfeeding he can not take the baby from you until you are done bf'ing. At least in my state.
If you have any proof of violence you'll need it. You'll have a hard time getting supervised visitations if there are no court documents.

 

[Sirk]

If you have any proof of violence you'll need it. You'll have a hard time getting supervised visitations if there are no court documents.

Really? It was way easy for me.
But my ex was a smartass even to the judge.

 

[HappyMomma]

I think it will help that he has already lost custody of a previous child, as well.

 

[musicmom]

Really? It was way easy for me.
But my ex was a smartass even to the judge.

Yea that couldn't have helped him huh? hahaha Dumb bad guys.

 

[Cthru]

I agree with musicmom. Leave and get in safely before you tell him. I fear he could go beyond verbal if you told him face to face. Not only are you leaving but you are taking his daughter and his financial well being with you. It's likely going to set him off in a way that you don't want to be around for. Once you are in and safe and make contact you can let him know your reasons for leaving.

Keep in mind, you will have to go through the courts to do this correctly. Once the baby is here you will have to put him down as the father - also file for child support (that likely you won't get - but still file for it!). Also have to address the fact that you want full custody and provide reasons you want to deny him visitation. Based on what you've said I'm sure this wont be a problem - BUT- if you don't do this correctly you leave yourself open to lots of trouble in the future.

Good luck. It's very brave what you are doing. I think you are doing the right thing for both yourself and your child.

 

[heidi]

I think you should pack and leave without telling him until you are in saftey. Once you are gone then try and speak with him.
After the baby is born you need to go with what your gut tells you. If I could not be with him while visitations happen then I would get supervised visitations.

This is what I prefer to do, but will be nearly impossible considering I'm going to be shipping my computer, clothing, and other items out by mail before I fly, as well as taking his (my) phone with me.

I was pretty sure that child support and visitation are separate legally, but I need to learn a lot more. I'm willing to read a novel on these subjects.. anyone have any websites or sources in mind?

The baby will be (psychologically) safer in a more financially and emotionally stable environment, surrounded with lots of love and family... without the constant yelling and anger!

The door for communication/possibility of visitation is open because - yes - he is the father, not physically abusive, as well as the fact that he may still decide to act responsibly. How he chooses to conduct himself from here out will be the determinant in whether or not he will be a part of baby's life.

I do need to get help and guidance on how to deal with him, make legal choices, and know what are my rights and not my rights.. etc. This is all brand new.

 

[HappyMomma]

If you cannot afford to hire an attorney, check into legal aide in the area you are moving to.

 

[musicmom]

Do you have an ACT shelter that you could call and get advice from? You really should talk to a professional.

 

[heidi]

You are all giving<I> very</I> helpful feedback.

 

[heidi]

I googled ACT shelter, and that is an Australian organization?

I do want to talk to a professional, though I don't know who that would be (in Connecticut, soon to be Illinois).