What to do??...

[Cache_mama]

I will try to make this brief..

I have a great relationship with my children, all except my 5 year old son. I don't know what to do anymore. He is very mouthy, emotional, angry, and just plain hard to deal with. My husband and I have tried everything from taking away toys, putting him in the corner, ignoring, being supportive, back to putting him in the corner.

He and I, unfortunately have the same personality. Very strong willed and stubborn so we are constantly butting heads. If I ask him to do ANYTHING I get the "FINE" attitude from him and he stomps around. If I tell him to knock off the attitude he tells me that I'm a mean mom. He is starting to eat dinner in his room because it makes him eat faster (this will be after waiting for him to finish for 45 min to an hour). I'm to the point of avoidance. I hate it. I'm happy while he is away at pre-school; it's so much quieter and peaceful. My parents don't want to take him for weekends because he is too hard to deal with which makes me feel bad for him, but what more can I do but tell him that it's because of his behavior. I'm at a loss, I love him, but can't stand to be around him because it just causes too much tension. Anyone else dealing with this? I'm wondering if he has a personality disorder.

 

[leland]

You know.. Alot of times when a child is acting out, there is a deeper problem at hand... Theres multiple reasons a child acts like that. Have you brought him to a child therapist? Perhaps he is going through something he cant or doesnt want to share with you..

 

[Trina]

I highly recommend this book. It has been a BIG help in our family.


<SIZE size="125"><U>Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic </U></SIZE>
<SIZE size="125">by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka</SIZE>

 

[Cache_mama]

I'm to the point of therapy; however, my husband is not. He feels that we just need to do things differently, but what more can we do than what we have already tried?!? I get down on his level and look him in the eye and tell him that what he is doing is not acceptable behavior, but he just turns around and does it again.

I'm going to order that book, it sounds very interesting! Thank you! I'm also calling my insurance company tomorrow while he is at pre-k to see what they will cover.

 

[leland]

I cant send you a pm yet, so can you send me 1.. I wanted to tell you something but didnt want to make it public.

 

[Cache_mama]

That is fine. PM away!

 

[Cache_mama]

Oh fart! It won't let me PM either! It says I have to have 10 posts or something...

 

[musicmom]

Oh my goodness, this child is five. He is testing his boundaries. That's exactly what he's supposed to be doing.
You sound like you've tried alot of things......he's only five so that tells me you didn't try them long enough.
Do you give in?? Oh wait....he's eating in his room. Who is the parent? A child who may be adhd needs structure, structure, structure.
Make a chart, if he does this then this is what happens. Can he do jumping jacks? Can he do push ups? None of these things will harm him. He will hate it. Stand over him and watch him to make sure he does them. Once he realizes YOU are boss I think things will change for you.
I don't think a five year old needs therapy. You should know what's making him angry. What's changed in your household? Keep a diary day to day. Look at when he misbehaves.
If a child see's you wore out then he knows he has you. It's a power struggle, battle of wills. I have a child like this. She KNOWS without a doubt that I am in control, not her.
I wouldn't let him hear you tell anyone that he's out of control because then he will have to live up to that label so be very careful to what you say outloud. Good luck.

 

[leland]

Oh my goodness, this child is five. He is testing his boundaries. That's exactly what he's supposed to be doing.
You sound like you've tried alot of things......he's only five so that tells me you didn't try them long enough.
Do you give in?? Oh wait....he's eating in his room. Who is the parent? A child who may be adhd needs structure, structure, structure.
Make a chart, if he does this then this is what happens. Can he do jumping jacks? Can he do push ups? None of these things will harm him. He will hate it. Stand over him and watch him to make sure he does them. Once he realizes YOU are boss I think things will change for you.
I don't think a five year old needs therapy. You should know what's making him angry. What's changed in your household? Keep a diary day to day. Look at when he misbehaves.
If a child see's you wore out then he knows he has you. It's a power struggle, battle of wills. I have a child like this. She KNOWS without a doubt that I am in control, not her.
I wouldn't let him hear you tell anyone that he's out of control because then he will have to live up to that label so be very careful to what you say outloud. Good luck.

I hear what your saying.. But we dont know the cause of it. Children act out to test boundries but to what extent.... Therapy was only a suggestion incase there could be something deeper.

 

[musicmom]

It's a five year old! It doesn't sound like there is rape, or molestation or any major things to make this child act like a normal five year old who is strong willed.
A parent is better then a therapist if there is trust established.

 

[AmyL]

I'm a huge fan of the Love and Logic strategies. There's a book for young children called Love and Logic Strategies for Early Childhood that's GREAT. Love it love it love it. It give you the opportunity to structure things so your son feels like he has control over things. You'll have to change the way you think about things, but it's a great strategy for removing the power struggles. Say for example you're battling over getting dressed in the morning. Instead of arguing, just ask him "are you going to wear the red shirt or the green shirt today?" In either case, you're assuming he'll put on the shirt.

Now. If he's going to take that and say "I'll wear yellow" and make it a power struggle again all you have to do is broaden the question. Maybe "are you going to wear long sleeves or short sleeves today?" or "Are you going to pick your clothes out or do you want me to do it?".

You'll see more of what I mean in the book, but please do check it out. Very empowering for parent and kid. Good luck!!

 

[singlemom]

I have a 9 yr old son who has been going to a counselor/therapst for 3 years now. It is not because I don't know what is wrong with him or why he does or acts the way he does- it is more than that. I want him to know that he has another trusted adult who he can talk to &amp; when he is ready to talk to me then he will. I also see the same counselor for my own reasons. My son's father has never been around- I was pregnant alone &amp; been raising him alone- that plays a big role in who he is &amp; how he sees himself as an individual. There is no pill to heal from that-only time. I do my best to be all I can for my child, my journey thus far as a parent has been both impressive and discouraging. I do whatever I need to do in order for my son to stay content and happy. That is what makes me believe I am doing my job!!!!!!!!!!

 

[singlemom]

Sorry, that post was intended for MusicMom.

 

[kristakmj]

I will try to make this brief..

I have a great relationship with my children, all except my 5 year old son. I don't know what to do anymore. He is very mouthy, emotional, angry, and just plain hard to deal with. My husband and I have tried everything from taking away toys, putting him in the corner, ignoring, being supportive, back to putting him in the corner.

He and I, unfortunately have the same personality. Very strong willed and stubborn so we are constantly butting heads. If I ask him to do ANYTHING I get the "FINE" attitude from him and he stomps around. If I tell him to knock off the attitude he tells me that I'm a mean mom. He is starting to eat dinner in his room because it makes him eat faster (this will be after waiting for him to finish for 45 min to an hour). I'm to the point of avoidance. I hate it. I'm happy while he is away at pre-school; it's so much quieter and peaceful. My parents don't want to take him for weekends because he is too hard to deal with which makes me feel bad for him, but what more can I do but tell him that it's because of his behavior. I'm at a loss, I love him, but can't stand to be around him because it just causes too much tension. Anyone else dealing with this? I'm wondering if he has a personality disorder.

my son is very emotional , my daughter is a drama queen , my youngest is so stubborn its unreal.
what we as parents i think need to find is what works with EACH child . if hes not eating it means no snacks nothing but water for the rest of the night or until the next meal PERIOD . give him a timer say 30 minutes when it goes off you take his plate and thats it. you dont have to fight with him and he wont starve i promise you that . you are putting the choice in his hands he can eat and get a snack ,juice or a full belly OR he can not eat and thats it . as far as him saying "fine" my kids all do this as well , they are just little people with emotions , i dont care if they dont like that i tell them what i expect of them , they dont have to like it but they must do it . dont take away his being able to express his emotions. my kids all say your mean mom my response is then im doing my job , kids dont have to like us all the time and i think in it time we can teach them how to deal with emotions but at 5 its too much for them to understand . my kids all throw fits , all it is is frustration for not having any other way to deal with it , i tell them your free to be upset with me but go to your room and be upset and come back when you calm down , it lets them know its okay to be upset but that doesnt mean everyone has to deal with it and hear it

 

[Good Wolf]

I know you might be tired of being refered to book but we recently picked up 'Love and Logic' and the advice in there immediately paid off with our four year old daugther. I highly recommend it and we haven't even finished the entire thing yet.

The important thing to remember is read as much material as you can get your hands on and make it your own.

 

[aliinnc]

Amy and GoodWolf are absolutely right about offering choices so he has some control in his life.

I also agree with MusicMom that this is pretty par for the course for a 5 yo. There are a couple more suggestions that I would add. My husband always says save your silver bullets. In other words, don't argue about things if you don't need to. If he wants to wear snow boots with shorts in the middle of summer, let him. It won't hurt him. So don't make an issue of it when you don't need to. Save the arguments for important things like safety issues.

Also it's very easy to get into a vicious cycle of 'head-butting'. Try to avoid that. When my stubborn one would argue with me, I would get face to face with him and quietly and calmly ask, "What are you doing wrong right now?" It breaks the cycle of the argument and lets him have the power of figuring it out. When I stopped arguing, there was no reason for him to argue anymore.

A final suggestion: some things are non-negotiable. Holding hands while crossing streets was non-negotiable for me cause we live in a city. When I told him this is non-negotiable (I explained what it meant the first time), he knew there was no arguing with me cause I never reversed myself on these issues.

Good luck and I hope some of this helps.

 

[HappyMomma]

he knew there was no arguing with me cause I never reversed myself on these issues.

IMO, this is one the most important and yet difficult things to do. If you stand by what you say, you will have some tantrums and uncomfortable situations but they also learn that Mommy means what she says and they feel safe because of it.

 

[aliinnc]

Any luck? How's it going?