What's a Dad to do? Help!...

[Tommy]

OMG...we are in the tween years!

Quick History...my wife and myself have 1 daughter, 11. Happily married for 18 years, my daughter is great in school, has an active social life, etc. Seemingly no issues. Except........

The fighting between my wife and my 11 year old. I'm in the Dad's position which basically means my wife deals with her a lot more than I do since she is the stay at home parent. That said, my daughter sometimes does not listen ("I forgot"), rolls her eyes ("No I didn't"), etc. These things I kind of look at and think well she's just 11. My wife seems to always be nagging at her. Yelling at her for rolling eyes, her attitude, and sometimes I think she yells at her because she is frustrated. This weekend was tears the whole week end it seemed. They headed to walmart to go shopping and 3 minutes after they left my daughter was brought back home and said she was not allowed to go because she was "acting 16, not 11". She then proceeded to lay in her room and cry for 40 minutes staraight. I went into her room to check on her and she told me she's tired of getting yelled at all the time. (My heart broke).

The question, is this normal? Do I let my wife know I think she is being too tough on my daughter? My wife (and myself) have done a great job raising a great kid. Do I zip it and continue on as normal? I'm thinking of going to lunch with the wife tomorrow to discuss, the argueing cannot be healthy.

Thoughts or share your experiances???

 

[TabascoNatalie]

1)

"acting 16, not 11".

i really don't understand the "logic" behind this sentence. I guess, the girl doesn't understand it either. what's that supposed to mean?

2) maybe your wife is very tired or depressed? maybe she shouldn't be staying at home whole time?

 

[Xero]

No, I don't think its okay to yell at your kid 24/7. I don't think its healthy for an 11 yr old to be frustrated over fighting with her mother all the time. Its not healthy for ANYBODY to be fighting all the time, and nobody likes getting yelled at all the time. How would you feel if you were constantly being told everything you did was wrong and made someone who is supposed to accept you angry? All of that yelling and putting down can do a lot of damage to a child's fragile self esteem, and it can really hurt her relationship with her parents.

Is something else bothering mom right now? Maybe she needs some time away? Maybe your daughter can spend a couple nights at a family member or friends house, like a weekend, and you two can go out and enjoy the weekend alone and relax so she can think about things? Or if its bad enough, maybe even family counceling could be neccesary. You should definitely check things out, because where mother-daughter arguing is completely normal and every family has their rough spots, that kind of thing can't go on constantly because it isn't healthy.

 

[Rosa]

Spending every day all day on your own with children can be extremely frustrating, how much time does your partner have away from your daughter?

 

[IADad]

A little while back, I posted about my fears and frustrations with yelling. Yelling is easy for us to do and it's hard to remember the consequences of doing it before you do it. I suspect your wife is driving her farther and farther away and you will soon have a "distant" teen.

I think you and your wife need to have a frank discussion with each other abotu what exactly (not in general, very spcifically) is frustrating her, what is triggering her to yell, and talk about yoru duaghter's comment about yelling atll the time. The good news is that this can be a perfect opportunity to collaborate, to make deals abotu acceptable behavior. If DD seems mom making changes then she has to uphold her end of the bargains and this can be a win-win. Now, if you'r wife doesn't see anything wrong with her actions, then you have a real problem and you need to first suggest and if necessary insist that she see a dispationate third part professional. If you can get to the bottom of the frustrations you can make a plan for how to deal with the [roblems constructively. Whenever, I or my wife yealls at one of the kids now, we stop ourselves and think, "would we have done that to a co-worker? a neighbor? A friend? The why would we do it to our kids? Is it just a way of exerting our "control?" Probably not doing our best teaching in those moments.

One parting thought. What "dad's position" are you talking about? In our family we just have "parents." I'm half-way teasing, but with a serious purpose behind it. If you view youself as second in parenting, then you may be letting DW shoulder too much of the parenting burden. Like Rosa says, esepcially during the summer, she's with your daughter a lot, they need some time apart and you need a united parenting plan.

 

[Trina]

Oh my, can I ever relate! My DD is 11. Unlike DS, she can be very strong willed, persistent and DRAMATIC. Now that the hormones are stirring she is all of the above even more so. Judging from my own personal experience, I'd say your wife and daughter are feeding off each other. Your wife isn't totally at fault. I know how frustrating it can be and have learned to pick my battles and simply walk away if I feel I'm going to lose it with her.

One thing that has been helpful is the American Girl book -
<U>The Feelings Book: The Care &amp; Keeping of Your Emotions</U> by Dr. Lynda Madison and Norm Bendell
We read this together, when we're getting along, and chat about it. In fact, it's about time to review it. LOL!

Your wife could also use regular and routine Mommy breaks. I have much more patience and understanding with my kids if I'm able to recharge my batteries now and then.

FWIW, she also pulls this stuff on DH, but since I'm home with the kids, it happens more often with me.

 

[Cthru]

I guess it really depends on what is provoking the reprimanding. I know with my daughters (now 16), the back talk and attitude started around 11/12. If you don't get a good handle on it up front it can get really out of hand. Sometimes it seems like all I do is ride my girls too, but it's not like leaving the cap off the toothpaste - it's for lack of respect or something along that line.

 

[Trina]

Exactly, Cthru!

 

[shubh]

&lt;r&gt;&lt;FONT font="Arial"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;I think, your wife is mot dealing with the daughter in the right way, her expectation are too much from a 11 yrs old. Tell her to behave more friendly rather than like a strict mother. Tell the daughter to remember the instructions for her own betterment, but don’t behave like a strict teacher. &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;/r&gt;