Title says it all.. When you go back and forth with your spouse enough for years, to where you know it has to end... Whats the hardest part of the divorce?.. Besides the kids... And do kids really understand it?
Whats the hardest part of getting divorced?...
- Thread starter leland
- Start date
I didn't have kids but the hardest part for me was taking that first step. To actually pack your things and leave. All the rest that followed was just a bunch of BS.
Without a doubt, having to still co-parent with a person whom you seldom agreed with to start with. It's frustrating having your "discipline" undone, or your values not mirrored by the other parent. I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here, but I don't think you'd be considering divorce if you and your husband agreed on these core things.
It really does come down to the struggle you have wishing you could insulate your children from the inconsistencies that they will now experience because neither of you will have to yield to the other, any longer and you'll both frustrate the heck out of one another, with the kids squarely caught in the middle and having to figure out which parent's style suits him or her best.
Kids are resilient and believe it or not their experience will teach them an awful lot about how to confront inconsistencies and differences in life, in general, but they will feel torn and conflicted regarding which parent they should trust and be loyal to and I don't think there is any way to avoid this conflict within them.
It really does come down to the struggle you have wishing you could insulate your children from the inconsistencies that they will now experience because neither of you will have to yield to the other, any longer and you'll both frustrate the heck out of one another, with the kids squarely caught in the middle and having to figure out which parent's style suits him or her best.
Kids are resilient and believe it or not their experience will teach them an awful lot about how to confront inconsistencies and differences in life, in general, but they will feel torn and conflicted regarding which parent they should trust and be loyal to and I don't think there is any way to avoid this conflict within them.
I filed three times and cancelled all of them. I had a hard time mourning the loss of my idea of a family unit.
I knew when I could let go with love that I was ready. When there are no more tears and you only wish them the best and hope they find someone to make them happy, then you're ready.
It was hard to not bad talk their father especially talking to my friends on the phone.
I even went back to Catholisism and asked a priest if I was doing the right thing. When I told him I had been hit he said "you need to get the hell out of there" that pretty much said it all.
I had to try everything before I could end it. Though we are still legally married on paper our marriage has been over for a long time. You'll know when you are ready and it's usually when you are at peace with the idea and want the best for the other person. IMO anyway
I knew when I could let go with love that I was ready. When there are no more tears and you only wish them the best and hope they find someone to make them happy, then you're ready.
It was hard to not bad talk their father especially talking to my friends on the phone.
I even went back to Catholisism and asked a priest if I was doing the right thing. When I told him I had been hit he said "you need to get the hell out of there" that pretty much said it all.
I had to try everything before I could end it. Though we are still legally married on paper our marriage has been over for a long time. You'll know when you are ready and it's usually when you are at peace with the idea and want the best for the other person. IMO anyway
The hardest part depends on the situation. I've been through it as a kid, and twice as a wife, and each one was different. Whether the kids understand or not also depends...on the kids themselves, on their ages, etc. For me, the worst part as a wife was feeling like a failure.
Knowing that your dream of being married to the one person the rest of your life has just been shattered. That hit me harder than anything else, when I got divorced.
Although I have never been divorced per say, I was a product of my parent's separation at 15 and I did have a "common law" relationship for almost 4 years AS WELL as I'm a stepmom...so I have some sort of insight into what happens when you break up your family.
The hardest part I think is moving on. When you spend hours thinking "did I do the right thing? If I would have stayed a bit longer, would it have gone back to the fun times we had?"...basically, you live in the past and try to see where it all went wrong. There's also the feeling of comfort you build in the relationship and you ask yourself as well "will I find someone else who can put up with -insert character trait here-?" or you ask yourself if you're a failure (exactly what Teresa mentioned) You miss also the habit of being with someone and even if you fall out of love or even like, you're still used to having someone to hold you while you sleep, or pay half the bills etc... you also trick yourself eventually into thinking "they NEED me, without me they can't make it on their own" etc etc etc...and THAT'S what makes divorces/separation so hard...it's that we don't realize we're in a bad situation until it's too late and there's so much shame in actually admitting we're not happy etc...
We're only human...
The hardest part I think is moving on. When you spend hours thinking "did I do the right thing? If I would have stayed a bit longer, would it have gone back to the fun times we had?"...basically, you live in the past and try to see where it all went wrong. There's also the feeling of comfort you build in the relationship and you ask yourself as well "will I find someone else who can put up with -insert character trait here-?" or you ask yourself if you're a failure (exactly what Teresa mentioned) You miss also the habit of being with someone and even if you fall out of love or even like, you're still used to having someone to hold you while you sleep, or pay half the bills etc... you also trick yourself eventually into thinking "they NEED me, without me they can't make it on their own" etc etc etc...and THAT'S what makes divorces/separation so hard...it's that we don't realize we're in a bad situation until it's too late and there's so much shame in actually admitting we're not happy etc...
We're only human...