When are we going to see Mommy?...

[Emre Arc]

I need to get advice on how to handle something that happens everytime my daughter is with me. Because of custody, I have my daughter every other day and overnight twice a week. Whenever she is with me, she asks "when are we going to go back to mommy's?" With this is always a sadness in her voice.
It is a constant question, and one that I tire from answering. I assure her "We'll see her tonight", or "You'll see Mommy tomorrow" I repeat my answer numerous times during our visits and try distracting her with something else. I don't know if this is a reassurance to her, or is she just at that age where one parent is more of a figure in her life? Am I saying the right things?

 

[Dadu2004]

I face the same situation with my daughter. Her mother and I have been divorced for quite a while and I have her 4 nights a week and her mother has her 3 nights a week. When she's here she asks about her mother and when she's at her mom's she asks about me. I only know this because my ex and I have great communication and share this information. I can about assure you that the same is happening in your situation.

I handle the situation the same way you do..."you'll see mommy tomorrow". Believe me, I understand the feelings that you're having too. While I know she asks the same questions about me at her mom's, it's still very hard to sit and hear her ask about her mom when she's with me...it feels like she doesn't want to be with me, but that's not it. She wants to be here and she loves me. It's just that when she is with me, she misses her mom and vice versa. It's hard because she can't be with both parents at once.

Do your best to let it roll off your shoulders and not bother you...it's very likely she's doing the same at her mom's.

 

[Xero]

Totally agree with Dadu.

 

[fallon]

I agree as well, this is totally normal for a child in joint custody situations

 

[Nes]

Agreed.

I baby sat a child last summer who all day would ask me "dada home?"
(stupid me taught him "dada home soon" so then it was even more adorable but constant because he was proud he could say it!)

And I would respond "yes, dada home soon" and he'd just sorta nod and be happy. It's not so much that he desperately wanted to see his dad or his mom it was his only was of expressing his feelings of abandoment as they went thru a NASTY break up.

It's nothing personal at all! She's just trying to understand the situation and express her feelings in the only way she knows how.

 

[Lorelei]

I think another issue behind "when will we see Mommy" is a lack of security, or a feeling of belonging. Maybe. I'm not there, and your situation may be different. But besides reassuring her of when she will see Mommy again, you might also just reassure her that you both love her very much. That she isn't being "punished" by staying with her parents separately. Then help her to learn the routine - especially if this is something relatively new in her life. Young children are creatures of routine. If they always have a bath before bedtime, and you try to put them to bed without a bath - you could be in for a tantrum! So as soon as she learns the routine, the more secure she'll feel and she won't be asking the question again.
Perhaps you could try making her a special calendar - or two of them, so she has one at mom's house too. Cut out mommy shapes and daddy shapes, and help her stick them to the calendar. Then as you go through the month, she can take each shape off the calendar- or put it on the calendar - however it works for you, and she can see - today is a day with Daddy, and tomorrow I'll be at mommy's.

 

[Xero]

That's a cute idea, that calendar!!

 

[Emre Arc]

Yes. The calendar idea is a good one.
Since my last post, it has been different. She still asks, but not as much. Her mother told me she asks about me and says she misses me when I'm not around. It is nice to hear that.

 

[Xero]

Aww, see?? Sometimes things are a lot different than you think! It must be nice to know that she also wonders about you when you're gone as well. Kids are so funny, aren't they? Good to hear things are a little more positive on that not for you guys.