when to introduce a partner...

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Aunt

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Nov 4, 2007
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I have been seing for a while a great guy who may be the one. Mainly we have dated when my niece has been staying with her other cousins or grandparents on weekends or at camp etc,

Given that her mother did not die that long ago and the kiddo and I have been trying to work out for the last 2 years how to live with each other, grieve and in my case generally behave like some kind of grown up authority figure, I have been reluctant to introduce any further big changes to her life. Should I do it at all? if so how to go about it?
 
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IADad

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Aunt, I'm not familiar with the situation that lead you tto become the gaurdian of your neice or how old she is. It seems that you've been pretty cautious and focused on doing what's right for her and I suspect whatever you decide to do will ultimately be a good decision, just based on past performance. I would think, if done right, it could server as a useful lesson that we don't forget or replace those left behind, but life does go on and our departed loved ones would want us to be happy...it could be framed in that kind of lesson. Sounds like the guy is pretty patient, so assuming he's willingg to move into her life as your partenr slowly, your assessment that he might be the one just may be right.

I know that wasn't much for advice, but it really didn't sound as much like advice you were seeking as much as affirmation...
 
fallon

fallon

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I say follow your heart...if you feel like you're in love with this guy it's probably time to introduce them. Start with something fun like lunch and an outing. At her age it should be an easy thing for her to handle, since it's not like he would be trying to replace a dad you just divorced or something. Just make sure she's still getting plenty of your time and talk to her about your feelings honestly. You deserve the happiness and she may love him...anyways, my vote is go for it as soon as you feel ready for them to meet
 
A

Aunt

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I a dad she is 13. She was orphaned at 10 & 6 months. I was named guardian in the will. So i went from living a life not unlike bridget Jones to having to be a real adult. (thats the story in a nutshell)
SO you can appreciate that with puberty, living with someone who used to be the "fun one" and now nags about homework and grieving her parents the kid has had a lot of punches to roll with. The guy is a big fan of sailing and she likes the beach. He thinks a day on the boat is a good icebreaker? what do ppl think?
 
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IADad

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Thanks for the update. Sounds like you're doing a great job with her and like I said, the fact that you struggle over it tells me that you're giving the matter it's proper weight and maybe even over-thinking it.

As for sailing, I'm thinking there's a big difference between liking the beach and liking sailing. Has she spent much time on boats of any kind? If she's comfortable on boats and would be excited about sailing then, yes, it seems like a great idea. If she has limited experience on boats and isn't so much adventurous, then placing trust in the hands of what is now a stranger to her, might be a bit much to ask. One possible brideg would be to do something on the beech and if it's going well and she seems comfortable it could progress to sailing,
 
Xero

Xero

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I think she should be okay with you introducing him whenever you feel the time is right. :) And if you think she would have fun on a boat, then I don't see why not.

If not maybe you could even just talk to her about him first. Make her a part of your excitement over liking a guy, girls love that. Tell her what his name is, how nice he is, how cute you think he is (lol), how much fun he is to hang out with. Tell her he can't wait to meet her. Tell her some harmless details about your time together, so she can get to know the idea of him before she actually meets him. That could really be a good way to ease her into it. :)
 
Jeremy+3

Jeremy+3

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I agree about telling her about him, so then she will feel she knows him a little bit before the actual meeting, you could get them to swap interesting/weird facts about each other. I wouldn't go with the boat thing, but thats just because I get sea sick so I think boats are evil!
 
16th ave.

16th ave.

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ya know--reading your story, you remind me of the movie with goldie hawns daughter where she had she was given custody of her sister's kiddos. Oh what's the girl's name??

anyways, i'm with the others. start talking about him and fillin' her in. ask her how she'd feel if you decided to start dating again.
when you're sure she's ready to meet the feller, do small short quick dates with her included like trips to the dairy queen for some ice cream or something. then go with the rest of it.

and atleast you seem to have your head on right. you've stopped to think about the kiddo's needs first before yourself.
some parents wont even do that. they end up putting their needs before the needs of their kids.

you're doing good!!!!
keep it up
keep us posted if ya would.
it'd be great to see this end with a great new family for the baby girl.
 
A

Aunt

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I think it is called Raising Helen LOL. It is not unlike that only no sexy priest.
Thanks for the tips everyone. We had breakfast today at our favorite cafe & i mentioned him. She seemed OK about it. There is a horror show exhibit at the local museum she wants to see abd she suggested I could ask him if i wanted. So wish us luck.
 
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Aunt

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I know there is something about john corbett
BTW your little one is just too cute in that photo
 
A

Aunt

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Sorry have been super busy. So far so good. He is kind of a big kid when he is not at work so they are getting along pretty well. The only thing that came up was that once a week when we go shopping we also have dinner & maybe see a movie. She asked if we could still do that without anyone else. I assured her that girls night was sacred and was surprised at how important it was to her. But knock on wood it is going well
 
16th ave.

16th ave.

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that's great aunt. cool. i think your right. girls night out can be pretty special, definitely would be in your case i tink after all your niece has been through.
glad to see they are hitting it off.
knocked on wood. :)
 
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IADad

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Aunt said:
Sorry have been super busy. So far so good. He is kind of a big kid when he is not at work so they are getting along pretty well. The only thing that came up was that once a week when we go shopping we also have dinner & maybe see a movie. She asked if we could still do that without anyone else. I assured her that girls night was sacred and was surprised at how important it was to her. But knock on wood it is going well
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yup, I agree you need that sacred one on one time. I think I posted elswhere (at least I meant to if I didn't) about each parent having special one on one time with each child, I just think that makes so much sense if we want our kids to feel connected and safe and that we're available and approachable. Glad things are going well, and good that she felt she could speak up and raise her concerns. It shows that you're doin it right...
 
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