When To Tell...

[Amber]

So, Cameron is 9. His biological father (Todd) has never been around since birth. I had Cameron 3 months out of my high school graduation. Now, Todd pays child support faithfully, but has never tried to have any kind of a relationship with Cameron whatsoever. Which is perfectly fine with me, as I firmly believe any man who walks away from his responsibility and a handsome, brilliant boy like my son deserves no kind of relationship whatsoever with my beautiful son.

Ryan has been considered "daddy" since Cameron was about 4 months old or so. To this day, even though we've divorced, Ryan is still Daddy. He still does Christmas for Cameron, still buys for his birthday, still has him for a bit on summer and winter vacation. I'll never tell Cameron that Ryan is not his daddy, because, even though we have our difference, Ryan IS his daddy.

My question...when do I tell Cameron that he has a different biological father? He's asked questions before (about 2 years ago). I've not told him the full-out truth, but not lied either. He's asked why his last name is different than the girls. I told him it was because I wasn't married at the time, so he took my maiden name. He's asked why Daddy wasn't at the hospital when he was born. We told him it was because he had to work. Things like that.

I know he's getting to the age, and especially with the divorce and remarriage, where he's going to want to know the truth. How in the world am I supposed to explain to my wonderful son that a man he's never met is his biological father? It breaks my heart to even know that I'm going to have to tell him.

Suggestions?

 

[Mindy]

(((Amber))) that is soooo hard. It must be so difficult for you when you won't know the answers to his questions yourself. No one can tell your son why his bio dad made that selfish decision.

I'm not a parent, so please take this with a grain of salt, but I think that you need to be completely honest with Cameron sooner rather than later. At 9 years old, yes it will suck, but he is more than old enough to understand and to know the truth. Ensure him that Ryan will always be his "daddy" and that he's not going anywhere and will always be there for him. But you need to tell him that although Ryan is his daddy and the girls daddy (??) he is not Cameron's FATHER. Explain to him that Todd is a man who you knew in high school and although he's never taken the time or energy to get to know Cameron, he is the one who created him biologically.

I know that you don't want to hurt your precious little boy who doesn't deserve any pain, but he really needs to know. If you want your little guy to trust you forever that you will do right by him, you need to be honest with him. He needs to know that YOU are never going to leave him. That you will always have his back, and he will have a really hard time doing that if he finds out some other way, and discovers you were less than honest with him.

I guess what it comes down to in the end is that it is Cameron's truth and no one else's. It is a part of HIS identity, and should not be kept from him, even if you are trying to protect him. It's a part of his story. His unique story that is different from the rest of his family's. Todd is Cameron's bio, so only he has the right to decide what to do with that info, and he cannot begin to make any choices about what to do, if he doesn't know about it.

Whatever or however you decide to do it, please do it soon. The longer you wait, the more chance that your child will feel betrayed and lied to by you. And that is the last thing you want. Best of luck to you. I hope you get some great advice and hope you figure out how to do this as smoothly as possible.

 

[Nikita]

I agree with Mindy, the sooner the better.

Although it's not identical, it's similar. I am adopted and my parents never hid that information from me. I don't even know when they first told me, I was so young. I grew up always knowing I was adopted and it was just a natural thing for me. I think that was the best thing. I never resented my parents for hiding information and I knew they would support me if I wanted to learn more about my bio parents.

Your son is older now, but the sooner he's told, the sooner it can be part of him, just a natural thing in his life.

 

[Mindy]

Thank you for sharing Nikita. I think the way your parents did it was perfect. That is the way it should be. It's never a huge shock if they have been talking with you about it since you were little. It's always been a part of your story and it makes it easier to deal with

 

[Nikita]

Thank you for sharing Nikita. I think the way your parents did it was perfect. That is the way it should be. It's never a huge shock if they have been talking with you about it since you were little. It's always been a part of your story and it makes it easier to deal with

Not to hijack the thread too much, but yes, my parents were great about my adoption. I'm so glad they were open about it.

Our family was friends with a few other families that had adopted. The one family never told their child. Well, the child eventually found out later in life and things didn't go well. Basically, she severed all contact with her folks.

Another, waited until he was older, hoping he would understand it better. He was close to being a teen. They found it just confused him and he worried his bio parents didn't want him because maybe something was wrong with him. It ended up working out, as they talked with him and helped him, but it was a long process.

I truly believe that if you are going to adopt, you cannot hide it from them or wait to tell them the truth.

With anything that can be a big deal or life changing for a child, it's better to talk about it sooner rather than later. A lot of people don't realize that even toddlers can be smart enough to understand these things. Maybe not as we do, but it's still comprehension. And the more they know about it now, the easier it is for them to put the puzzle pieces together and understand it like we do when they are older.

 

[Amber]

Thanks for the replies girls. I've been leaning more towards your answers than holding it in for a few more years.

He's a brilliant boy. He is extremely smart and very perceptive. But he's also very sensitive. I think he 'knows' the truth, just doesn't want to hurt me or hurt himself by coming right out and asking.

I guess my main concern is, I don't want him mad at me for keeping it a secret, that's why I'm wanting to tell him. I don't want him to think I didn't want to tell him or didn't give him the opportunity to 'meet' his bio father.

Thanks for the advice, Mindy and Nikita, and Nikita, thanks for sharing your story!

 

[1dayatatime]

I also agree sooner than later. I just have issue with the whole "faithfully paying child support". I'm on the flip side being the stepmom with a bio dad that fights tooth and nail to be with his daughter and still gets stuck with CRAZY child support. Why doesn't bio dad just sign over rights and never be apart of the child life period, not even finacially. It should be purely up to Cameron if he wants to meet or have a relationship with his sperm donor. Of course I do not know all the ins and outs of your situation so it's not fair to judge. Child support comments always raise my hackles. Sorry. If bio dad is a craphead poor Cameron will have to figure that out for himself.

 

[Amber]

In all honesty, I wish he would just sign over rights. He doesn't pay a ridiculous amount. He was in college at the time, so he pays $41 a week. I'd rather him keep that laughable amount and let my son have a father who would rather be a father.

Todd comes from money. In all honest (And it may be the conspiracy theorist in me) I think they view my son as a scandal. Let 'em. I don't need them, I've not needed them the last 9 years.

 

[Amber]

And I so totally am with you on the child support issue. Jack's ex wife took him for everything and he only gets his kids every other weekend, despite the fact that she lives 2 minutes down the hill from us. This woman gets $800 a month, even though she gets close to $5000 a month from the state because she and he adopted their two boys. She gets that check on the 14th and is broke on the 16th. She has less bills than us!!!!

Sometimes, I think it's women like her who coined the phrase 'dead beat dads'. Some of 'em aren't dead beats....they just can't afford it, especially with their ex wives conning them. I guess if she used the money on the kids, it wouldn't bother me so much, but she doesn't. They have hand-me downs while she wears name brand clothes.

Anyway....I just put out the faithfully paying child support to show that he would rather shell out money every week and not complain than see his son. Money's more important to him, I guess.

 

[Nikita]

Thanks for the advice, Mindy and Nikita, and Nikita, thanks for sharing your story!

No problem. Like I said, it's just who I am. I can't change it and don't want to.

 

[Teresa]

I would have told him from the beginning. I agree with the others that he should know sooner rather than later. As he gets into puberty, and starts trying to figure out who he is and why he is the way he is, he's going to see things in himself that aren't like you or Ryan, and wonder why...this way, it may make more sense to him.

 

[Amber]

Well, at one time, Ryan and I had talked about him adopting Cameron. Now that the divorce has been done and stuff, I'm kind of glad we didn't go that route. (Long story)

I never meant to keep it from him, I just didn't want to make any rash, quick decisions in the matter. I think once I pick him up from Indiana, a few weeks afterwards, after he's had time to adjust being back home, I might sit him down and have a talk with him about it. Scared, though. lol

 

[mandrsmom]

&lt;r&gt;&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;In my case my oldest daughters “sperm donor” never paid child support. When she was five and I was getting married to my husband, we said sign over rights or pay five years in back child support. He signed those papers so fast. My husband adopted my daughter, new birth certificate, and he has always been her dad. My daughter has always known of her real dad, and has a great relationship with his parents. (So do my husband and I). She spends summer with them, and thinks her dad is a looser. It really is true that they know who loves them and knows who their real parents are. At 16, she does not question who her dad is, he is the one who takes care of her, and loves her every day. Now my toughest problem is the questions from her little sis, just like you I think she knows, because we get the questions of why was sissy in your wedding, and where was daddy in this picture. We have not come out and told her that her sissy has a different daddy. I do not think she would understand, because all of her life if has been the four of us.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt; &lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;I agree with everyone else, tell him as soon as the time is right, he will know who loves him.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;/r&gt;