Why do the best offers come at such bad times?...

[Shaun Austin]

As many of you know I work in post 16 education at the moment something I will have done for 7 years in September. before this I worked in what was originally my dream job as a paramedic however as our family grew to its current number and Charlotte wanting to follow her dreams and study to be a vet I knew I needed a more 'family friendly' job with easier hours as I used to work shifts. Some of you may know I also coach a diving team voluntary as this is my sport and the sport I'm trained to coach in. On top of this I have volunteered for British Swimming (that covers the British Diving team) for years and been one of their 'local support coaches'. Anyway let me get to the point:

I applied for a paid post that was due to be opened up with the retirement of the current person in the job. Its as the Diving Performance Director for British Swimming. This job is a great job for me because it is a dream job it has great pay (about £62,000.00PA about $100,000pa) which is more than double my current pay scale, its got great bonuses such as company car, second home allowance, international travel costs, and access for employees and their families to (free) private medical care (great for Cameron right now). The only problem with it is the fact that I would be away from home at least three days a week, I would travel the world a lot with the British diving team.

Right now we have a lot of family issues that I feel I am needed to help with my wife is four months pregnant with twins, Cameron is dealing with a tumour and we have just recently moved the family. My wife says that I should take it because we may not get the chance again and it will cover the loss that we face with her coming out of work. But I'm not sure because my family have always been my driving force behind my career choices and I feel that this one could be about me not them. What do you wise people think?

 

[akmom]

Have you been offered the position, or are you just applying for it at this point?

Lots of couples can't handle any amount of separation. Others are more independent. My husband has been away for months at a time, and it's never been a problem for us. Not a problem when I was pregnant, nor when we had one, two or three kids, not when one had a minor medical issue. I've also been gone for up to two weeks at a time to update my certificates, and every one handled it well. I've never had to give birth alone or deal with a major medical issue in the family alone, so that's a little different. But after nearly two decades of marriage, I'm sure you know what kind of couple you are. It sounds like your wife is pretty confident in running the household alone, and after five kids I suspect she knows what she can handle. Just my thoughts on it.

 

[NancyM]

Wow what a great job and opportunity.

I think you should lean toward taking the job, because if you find out it's too much being away from the family and all, you can always quit it and find another, but you will probably never get such an great opportunity again so I think it's a good thing for all of you.

 

[mom2many]

I second this.

Wow what a great job and opportunity.

I think you should lean toward taking the job, because if you find out it's too much being away from the family and all, you can always quit it and find another, but you will probably never get such an great opportunity again so I think it's a good thing for all of you.

 

[bssage]

The first thing I would say. traveling for a living is not for everyone.

And before I begin flapping my pie hole. I should mention that even though at this point in my life. My marriage is pretty much over. I am not of the opinion that my traveling had an adverse effect on that. It is actually my opinion that traveling has extended the working life of my marriage to the point it is now.

In today's day and age of all the tools available to us to "stay connected". It really makes traveling much less of a burden than in the past. In two of the traveling fields I had worked my travel was typically blocks of time. Meaning I would be away for multiple days up to and including a few months at a time. At points My travel required bringing in new or prototype products making attendance at different engineering facilities necessary Later my travel at product engineer involved me to oversee our products on the assembly line of customer sites. My current travel (Railroad Conductor) involves either overnight or a couple of days away. My traveling has encompassed the pregnancy and births of both children

My communication tech evolution had began at calling cards used on land lines: to pagers: Cell phones: to skype (still getting my hands around this.

The issues with travel that I believe are stressors are:

Trust.

Negative reinforcement.

Fulfilling obligations remotely.

varied off time interests.

Management of "home time"



Trust:

This has the potential to be a big issue. I dont know where you or your wife are at in that regard. I originally had some issues.

I would leave all my traveling items in an easily accessible open place. I would leave the contents of my pockets intact and also easily accessible. Sort of "See I have nothing to hide"

I would respond or accept all calls possible. And return any I could not ASAP. If I was out attending a dinner or some other after hours function. I would explain clearly what I was doing and that I would call ASAP upon my return to the hotel. And follow through with this. I also have expanded this to Cole now that he has a phone.

This allowed her to tie together what I had told her I was doing with receipts ect... I really don't know if she took advantage of this. But it was all out in plain view if she wanted to. But I think my resolution was while unconventional: was effective.


Negative reinforcement.

This refers to you arriving home tired and grumpy. And her hitting you at the door with a laundry list of things broken or needing done before you get rested. This is both negative reinforcement for her as she will associate your trips with the grumpy you. And you with the negative reinforcement of getting blasted each time you return.

I have found the best defense for this is just being aware and talking about it ahead of time. These things are really inevitable. So talk to her in advance and develop a strategy to combat this. Another helpful thing is teach her some of your magic tricks. I.E. when the fridge light is not working you have to wiggle this: When the door squeaks do this. I would wager that there are some issues around the house that when it is brought up you just do a little magic "daddy" fix and move on rather than explain or even make an investment of time or money to completely fix. Unless you like the idea of getting hit with twenty of these type of items when you walk in the door. Share your secrets.

Take a nap. This typically results in a much more fun dad and attentive husband. When I am tired from travel. I turn into the person I dont want to be. A short nap seems to resolve this. Travel in itself is draining. The sleep you need: Is the sleep you need: Period. Shorting yourself on rest will turn you into an AssHat in short order.

Fulfilling obligations remotely.


In the modern age there are a lot of thing you can attend to remotely. I do my banking remotely. I monitor the kids school remotely. I have all the proper contacts in my cell phone to call a contractor(handy man) : the school: or extended family. And take time to take care of this. This is a must. Things untended with snowball and take away from your home time.

varied off time interests.

surprisingly this has been one of the most difficult to overcome. The problem is that when I return home. I just want to be home. Eat at home. And enjoy the fruits of my labor. My wife however has been trapped in the house as basically a single parent the entire time I was away. And she would like to do the exact opposite of what I want. She wants to go out to eat and do things.

Our current resolution is that I can stay home with the kids and let her go out with friends. This seems to work achieving both our wants. It does put me in the position of going directly from work to care giver. Which I personally dont mind. But I can see where it might be an issue for some people.

Management of "home time"

This really is all you. Once you have established a working plan you should probably share this with the wife. But you have to develop it and you have stick to it.

Mine starts with the nap and I believe it is necessary Many times this is only a half hour to an hour. Occasionally more. But most are short. Then I try to give each kid a small amount of one on one time. Followed by the most necessary chores. Then family time. and finally more one on one.

Before the next trip I get things in place for anything I am trying to accomplish while I am away. For example if I have a contractor or handy man coming over I prepare a note with maybe some visual aide's. I brief the wife on what I want done. And I determine how I intend to supervise or oversee items remotely. When possibly I try and squeeze in a one on one with the kids right before I leave. I never leave if the kids are awake and home with out kisses "I love you's" ect.

In regard to your OP. I have never been away during an important event. And my employer can simply kiss my rear if they believe work come's before family. that said really most thing's including pregnancy does not involve or require you physically to be there 24/7. In both the situations you describe its your emotional support and understanding that is really required 24/7 . And if it were me AFTER I got the job I would make crystal clear that if your needed at home home is where your priorities lie.

You have the rare opportunity to have both a great family and do a job you love. IMHO it would be a sin not to at least give it a shot. But at the same time there is no shame in placing family first. And some people really struggle with work/travel. If you pull the trigger. I suggest you take your wife out with both of your thoughts and fears written down to talk about. IMHO if you have no plan your chances of success are slim.

Good luck.

 

[akmom]

After reading bssage's response, I want to retract mine. It reminds me of all the marital stresses my parents had when my dad traveled. My husband and I both come from families who traveled a lot (both military), and while I don't know how my in-laws fared with it, I realized we both have a second-generation perspective on it which is probably a huge advantage.

So discard the part about your wife probably knowing what to expect; this sounds a lot more like what I remember as a teen:

This refers to you arriving home tired and grumpy. And her hitting you at the door with a laundry list of things broken or needing done before you get rested. This is both negative reinforcement for her as she will associate your trips with the grumpy you. And you with the negative reinforcement of getting blasted each time you return.

I have found the best defense for this is just being aware and talking about it ahead of time. These things are really inevitable. So talk to her in advance and develop a strategy to combat this. Another helpful thing is teach her some of your magic tricks. I.E. when the fridge light is not working you have to wiggle this: When the door squeaks do this. I would wager that there are some issues around the house that when it is brought up you just do a little magic "daddy" fix and move on rather than explain or even make an investment of time or money to completely fix. Unless you like the idea of getting hit with twenty of these type of items when you walk in the door. Share your secrets.

and

surprisingly this has been one of the most difficult to overcome. The problem is that when I return home. I just want to be home. Eat at home. And enjoy the fruits of my labor. My wife however has been trapped in the house as basically a single parent the entire time I was away. And she would like to do the exact opposite of what I want. She wants to go out to eat and do things.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Thanks for the advice, I have been offered the job starting in April, meaning I have to have decided by next week so I can meet the notice policy at my current work. This is something I have always wanted. The nap thing sounds great, as well as the keeping things in view this is something we do already between everyone in the family. From what you have said i think its important that I try I mean its my dream i never really was for filling my self in teaching.

 

[bssage]

One thing that may make it an easier decision.

Even though it is your dream. It is a dream that is mutually beneficial to your family ( in no way a selfish dream). Increasing both the opportunities generated by the additional income. And the improved "dad" when the dream accomplishments trickle down to you mood and optimism for life.

We all know a bad day (s) can matriculate from work to home. The same is true of the good day (s). So when we are in a job we like. It is just easier to be a better us: when home.

The job I had prior (factory dept manager, after the engineering titles) to the one now . I hated. It was extremely high stress and long hours. I spent a fair amount of time at home dreading the inevitable return to work. Wondering how the constant changes in the infrastructure at work would effect me. Trying to anticipate customer complaints. And meeting order deadlines for companies like GM: Ford: ect.

The job I currently have (thru-freight conductor) allows me to just think about work: at work. And to clear my plate as I walk out the door to turn my attention completely toward family which is where it likes to be. While my job is High Stress. That stress is contained to work. And does not need consideration at home.

My point is that your dream job: with a little planning. Should enhance your home life. Not detract from it.

 

[Shaun Austin]

As you have advised I think this is a great chance to go and work in a career I have wanted for most of my life. I have decided to take the job with eyes open. Now to tell the family... this could be quite interesting. They may not be totally open to it. This morning I asked Callum his thoughts on it through a totally 'what if' perspective. and he said he would be worried about me being away and the extra "chores and responsibility" (his own words) it would put on him and sam in particular. One things for sure they may take time to come around to it. I also went to see my boss this morning to explain to her that I was stepping down and she said that I had chosen a right moment as she was in the process of writing an email to me to offer a promotion to a middle management position (not something i want as it would mean more office based work and less person to person interaction that I have always loved). The new job while having an office element to it is 80% meetings, one to one training and progress assessment, and a lot of people interaction, something I love. When i told her i was leaving she said to read over the promotion and have a look but if i do leave i will be missed by the whole staff board at the college.

 

[bssage]

Congratulations.

Change is typically a time of anxiety and reward. It can be especially troublesome if the sense of adventure is not shared. I would advise to nurture that sense of adventure. And exploit the benefits of change. Whether is is learning a new life skill for Callum and Sam or adjustment of privileges for additional tasks.

I think as much as possible I would include them in the planning phase. Its just much easier to tolerate a change that you were involved in the planning. You should identify the tasks that absolutely cannot wait for your return. An example is the recent threads I have made about mice. I'm not implying that you have mice. Only that there will be some undesired tasks that absolutely cannot wait for your return. Things that you typically take care of without a lot of thought.

I think I would have a two part introduction to the change for the little ones. Part one would be a general presentation of the change. Part two would be questions and answers. Putting some time between the two parts gives them time to identify what parts of the change will make them anxious and what they are excited about. I hate it when part one and two are together. I typically dont know what questions I have until I have time to think about it.

I think there is also a benefit to letting them see how you and your wife model the process of planning and resolving issues.

It has been my experience that anxiety is largely about the unknown. Less anxiety should result in a smoother transition.

Good luck. I think you made the right choice.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Thanks Bssage. We told the eldest two this weekend and made them see that while yeah they may have some extra responsibility they will also gain more from it. Then yesterday while building a snowman (we have snow at the moment that closed the schools) we told Cameron and Maddie and they took it well I think like you said we will have a question and answer thing probably next week. But I can tell already that its not going to be the most popular choice me and Charlotte have made. The kids are used to having dad there a lot of the time and Sam and Callum are used to having me work at the college they study at meaning I'm there if they need me. Charlotte says that this job change will mean that they will be independent and will become people in their own right. She said that by letting them change my mind and not go for it would mean that I would still 'mommy cuddle' them something she accuses me of being all the time.