Wife still sleeping with 1-year-old...

[Quatrix]

By "co-sleeping" I'm not talking about a toddler occasionally sleeping in the parents' bed or a baby sleeping in an attached bassinet. My wife and 1-year-old daughter sleep on a full-size mattress on the floor every single night, literally. There's no room for me either, so I've slept by myself in our bed the vast majority of the last year.

I get various responses when I talk to her about it. Sometimes she insists that our daughter won't sleep in her crib, but she's only tried a handful of times. But she's admitted to the pediatrician and me that she's afraid of our daughter growing up too fast, getting independent, and leaving her. She wants to keep her close as long as possible. Her sleeping habits aren't helped by the fact that my in-laws (who watch her during the week) pick her up and carry her around when she makes the slightest peep. They won't let her learn to sleep on her own, and I'm outnumbered three-to-one.

On Monday we learned that my wife is pregnant again (through IVF, not surprisingly since we don't sleep together). She plans to sleep with the 1-year-old until she gives birth and then start sleeping with the new baby again, finally putting the toddler in her crib or maybe recruiting my mother-in-law to continue sleeping with her on the floor. My wife insists that this is all completely normal and that everyone she knows does the same thing. I guess a husband and wife sleeping separately for 2 - 3 years is "normal".

To be fair, she grew up in another country in an extremely small one-room home where she had no choice but to sleep with her parents until she was a teenager. She says that because she allegedly sleeps fine now as an adult, there's no problem with it. She (my wife) DOESN'T sleep fine though; she wakes up at 2 or 3 AM every night and can't get back to sleep until 6 or 7.

HELP!

 

[Xero]

You will find varying views on this from different people. I am a co-sleeper, and it has nothing to do with the way I was raised. I was always in my own crib/bed from day one. I have found that co-sleeping however holds an extreme amount of benefits for my son and my family. It is healthy for babies for several different reasons, and it is a comforting and bonding experience. I could explain in detail my reasons, but I wont for now.

Its a little different for us though, DS co-slept with US (not just me) for about the first three years of his life. Just after turning three, he was all of a sudden willing and ready and excited to sleep in his own bed, so I let him. He sometimes comes back to our bed if he isn't feeling well or has a bad dream etc but otherwise sleeps on his own now. Up until then though, DH and I shared a bed like any married couple would, and DS slept next to me on my side of the bed, with a bed rail to keep him from falling out. So DH was never forced to sleep alone or anything, and when we knew we were interested in doing husband and wife type things, after he fell asleep we would just carefully move him to his own bed for that night. He would most of the time never wake up and it usually never bothered him. Every now and again, a few hours later, he would wake up and cry to come back with us or just get up on his own and come back. Which we were fine with because at that point we weren't doing anything. Co-sleeping is a really natural thing, and IMO there's nothing wrong with it. The problem is that you and your wife need to be on the same page, which might require some adjustments. Hang in there, you guys will work it out.

The Benefits of Co-Sleeping

Benefits of Co-Sleeping | PhD in Parenting

 

[mom2many]

Sorry but I am not gonna be any help here. I co-sleep with my little ones and have not slept in the same bed as my husband in years. I don't even sleep in "our" room when he works (graveyard). I have 8 kids and have co-slept with every single one of them. I know that at some point they all will be comfortable moving into their own bed, but it will be when they are ready. Right now my 4 year old and 1 year old sleep with me. Not always the 4 year old, but he can when he wants, sometimes he even sleeps with his dad. However not a single one of my teenagers do.

"Normal" is different for everyone, this may not be how you envisioned parenthood, but I can say it is probably a lot more common then you think. The United States is one of the few countries that does find it unusual to have a family bed or some variation of it. So your wife is more then likely right.

I wished I could offer advice, and I am sure someone will come along with a different opinion but for now...I'm with the wife.

 

[IADad]

Ya know, I don't see anything wrong with her co-sleeping, I do kind of find her attitude about her child grwoing up to be a little troublesone, but it's early.

I think that we have no greater obligation to our children (other than to keep them safe) than to prepare them to be independent. If we don't prepare them for the world, how can we expect them to be happy and prosperous in it?

so, when you say "still." I don't know that it's exactly time to set off the alarms that she's doing anything unreasonable. Will you daughter sleep with you? I don't know how normal it is in co-sleeping to shtich off parents, but just thinking maybe part of your feelings are that you're being left out? DW and I lay down at bedtime with both our boys, we trade off who gets whom, sometimes we fall asleep with them, sometimes we leave before they fall asileep, and we're finding that while they are a little attached to this while they are young, the older one is growing out of it, he will go to sleep on his own now, if we need him to, and while he's not the most socially flamboyant kid, he is socialable with his peers, interacts approproiately with adults, in short is socially a pretty normal kids, so I don't think co-sleeping will cause any problems as long as your wife understand that she also needs to help your little one spread her wings too. I'm guessing she knows that, that's why she's "admitted it." So, instead of fighting her on it, can you find a way to join in and then you can be part of the process to transition her to other sleeping arrangements when they make sense.

Perhaps your wife isn't thinking about the future enough and perhaps you're worrying too much about it, consider just enjoying the "now" a little more.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I think that we have no greater obligation to our children (other than to keep them safe) than to prepare them to be independent. If we don't prepare them for the world, how can we expect them to be happy and prosperous in it?

I agree with IADad 100% on this. And I think that this is the part that would concern me the most in regards to your wife. Being a new mom is something special, and it's ok to 'miss' some of the things about having a little baby, but the things that she misses should be replaced, in a sense, with all of the new accomplishments a developing child has achieved.

I am a co-sleeper too. I have a 2 month old who is mostly sleeping in be with my husband and I. I also have a 9.5 year old who I slept with until he was about 3. Sounds like you are feeling a little left out. Also sounds like the two of you are not having sex. Just because you co sleep doesn't mean you can't have sex. You just have to be more creative....but you actually have to want to have sex. So, is that the problem? She doesn't want to have sex? Because that would be a real problem for me! It's an important part of a healthy relationship in my opinion.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

people sleep as they find comfortable, but i find this part quite alarming.

But she's admitted to the pediatrician and me that she's afraid of our daughter growing up too fast, getting independent, and leaving her. She wants to keep her close as long as possible.

that's plain selfish. a child isn't a toy.
it sounds like your wife is quite obsessed with her role as a mother, and quite forgets that she's also a woman and a wife. talk to her, talk to her more.
but that's just my opinion.

 

[gmamma]

&lt;r&gt;&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;I’m actually quite surprised to see that so many people sleep with their babies. I am a single mom of 2 children. I REFUSED to allow either of my children to sleep with me. I had a friend that became a new mom. She refused to listen to most advice given to her. She decided that the best place for her daughter was by her side at all times. She slept with her baby for 5 months. Her maternal instincts kept her sleeping habits in line with her daughter. Until June 12, 2008. Her body was so exhausted from the lack of sleep that her body over-ruled her maternal instincts. She smothered her daughter early that morning. She was one of my best friends. I tried to console her. Nothing helped. She committed suicide on the one year anniversary of her daughters’ death. I don’t know for sure what happened to her husband. He left town shortly after.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;That was very difficult for me to write. It’s still very painful for me. I’m fairly sure, though, that your wife has been informed of the suffocation risk involved in her choice. I’m not saying that it WILL happen. I’ve known other moms that have done the same and their children are very much alive.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;You said your wife doesn’t want to “let go” of your baby. There are also many psychological issues you may soon face. I worked in a day care center for a few years. For the most part, there we no issues with the children being brought to the center. It was near a military base so the children coming in usually stayed for a year or so and moved on. I met many different types of parents with different parenting styles. The most problematic children were from households that insisted in coddling and over-protecting. They followed the philosophy that nothing bad can happen from “loving” their kids too much and babies shouldn’t be allowed to cry. Their children were always held, always entertained, and had any and all demands met immediately. I watched temper tantrum after temper tantrum. Those children weren’t given the freedom to discover their world on their own. Everything was handed to them. They learned quickly that all they had to do was pout or squeeze out a few tears and they got whatever they want. They became the master of the household and they knew it. Some children developed an attachment complex and would start screaming the minute their parent(s) walked out the door and wouldn’t stop until they came back later that afternoon. I had to call several parents to pick up their child early because the child screamed until they made themselves throw up. Also, I have seen some children that seemed to feel solely responsible for their parent(s) happiness. That is alot of responsibility and guilt for a child to carry. I have even met some adults that can’t make decisions on their own because their parents have coddled them and made all their choices for them. Your wife is afraid of your child growing up. I just hope she understands what is happening to that child because of her insecurities. There are articles she can read and classes she can take to help her let go. &lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Now, as for you being outnumbered….Is it you and your wife’s house, your child’s house, or the grandparents house? The grandparents shouldn’t have any say in how that child is raised. Yes, they are the grandparents. They should be respected for their experience and opinions. However, they are not the parents. Grandparents should spoil their grandchildren but they shouldn’t have enough pull in your household to tell you how to live your life and raise your child. Unless of course, they are paying you child support and were right there in the bedroom helping that child be conceived. (Sorry for the sarcasm. That’s a touchy issue with me.)&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;As for your loneliness in bed, the only thing I have to say is I hope you realize the strain you BOTH are putting on your marriage. I say BOTH because you also have a say in how your child is raised. You are allowing it to happen. You are agreeing to her stepping out of your marriage and using your child as an excuse. Yes, it is well known that having a child changes things in a marriage. But it is up to BOTH of you to keep the marriage going and fighting for it. I made that mistake already. After I had my kids, my marriage was not the same. Our marriage died a slow 8 year death from lack of communication, no time together, and concentrating mainly on the kids instead of balancing the marriage and the kids. We both are at fault for that failure.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;FONT font="Times New Roman"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;I’m not an expert by any means. I can only tell you about my experiences and opinions. Take them as you will. I hope I’ve at least given you a little different perspective on things. I wish you the best. Good luck.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;/r&gt;

 

[Dadu2004]

I am not a co-sleeping advocate...quite honestly, I think it is much more detrimental to both the child and the parents than it does any good.

Just a couple of reasons ('cuz I dont want to write a novel) is that it interferes directly with the relationship of the parents. Part of a healthy relationship is alone time with eachother...both emotionally and physically. Having a child in bed with you obviously prohibits that. Another reason is that the child will become less self-sufficient and constantly rely on "mommy and daddy" to soothe and comfort when attempting to sleep.

Personally, i don't see co-sleeping as beneficial...obviously I'm in the minority.

 

[Xero]

gmamma - That's really sad about your friend. I have heard of instances like this myself, for sure. The problem there is that people need to know the definition of SAFE co-sleeping. It is not always safe to sleep with a small baby right up against you in bed, and I think people should be really careful with that. At one year old however, this woman's child has no chance at all of getting suffocated by mom, that just does not happen. Small babies, usually under six months old, have a sad statistic surrounding them and involving unsafe co-sleeping. Past that age, the chances get lower and lower and by a year old the possibility of accidental suffocation due to any kind of co-sleeping are basically non-existant. So this kind of situation actually doesn't apply to the OP.

That kind of situation also does not apply to parents who practice SAFE co-sleeping. For babies under six months, a co-sleeping parent should most of the time be using products that make co-sleeping safer. Such as a bassinett, a snuggle nest, or an Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper. Those are all really great tools for keeping co-sleeping safe during those first few fragile months.

Snuggle nest:

Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper:

With my son, I had a bassinett and a snuggle nest. This baby will have a snuggle nest and an Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper. I have no worries about unfortunate accidents. Its just like anything else. And sadly, just as many babies if not more statistically die of SIDS or other accidents in their own cribs, in their own rooms every year as they do UNSAFE co-sleeping. Hence, the nick name "crib death". So there's really no fool-proof answer. People putting their kids in their own beds/rooms are putting their kids at just as much risk as the people who are unsafe co-sleeping.

 

[Xero]

Dadu - You're not in the minority! Lol, the funny thing is that this forum has a strange amount of co-sleepers on it. I am part of another forum that is much much bigger (thousands and thousands of memebers) and honestly the general consensus is that their babies will and do all sleep in their own bed in their own room. I know there is a lot of good reasoning behind it. I think its all about what is best for you as an individual and your family.

 

[Dadu2004]

I think its all about what is best for you as an individual and your family.

Couldn't have said it any better myself girlie.

 

[gmamma]

Xero- I understand your perspective and it's obvious to me that you've looked into it and been safe about it. That is great. It also seems as though you have a good understanding of what your children need. You've said that your child chose to be more independent and sleep in his own bed. So it's obvious that you are more concerned with your child's needs than your own feelings. However, Quatrix has made it clear that his wife isn't co-sleeping for the benefit of their child. She even admitted that she's doing it for selfish reasons, that she doesn't want to let go. What is your standpoint on that?

 

[Xero]

So it's obvious that you are more concerned with your child's needs than your own feelings.

Hm! That's a pretty bold statement to make about someone you've never met. Well, all that aside, you couldn't be more wrong. I've always felt better myself as a co-sleeper as well, and so has my husband. We have always had less trouble at bed time than our peers who are non-co-sleepers, we have experienced a more peaceful sleep (I can say this because I have attempted having my son sleep in his own room after pressure from family members), and a lot less stress revolving around bed time. We as a family have always been more happy and comfortable this way. My husband and I have never had any problems, because when DS was in bed with us we could still always cuddle as much as we wanted to and have that closeness a married couple deserves, and as I said in a previous post if we wanted to have sex we would just carefully transfer DS into his own bed while he was already asleep and there were never any problems. DH and I have never disagreed on the topic or argued about it. So DS's needs or feelings as far as night time goes have never gotten in the way of our needs or feelings.

However, Quatrix has made it clear that his wife isn't co-sleeping for the benefit of their child. She even admitted that she's doing it for selfish reasons, that she doesn't want to let go. What is your standpoint on that?

I don't know that I got the same message from that statement as you did. I noticed that he mentioned that, but I figure its pretty natural for any mom to fleetingly mention that they wish their children wouldn't grow up so fast and wouldn't it just be sweet if they could stay little and in our arms forever. So I took that as pretty harmless, because I think everybody feels like that sometimes, although I see that others find it very concerning. I guess I would have to know the mother better in person. Here, we are only getting the disgruntled father's perspective. I would imagine that she sees the benefits of co-sleeping as well, but I could be wrong. I base that somewhat off of the fact that he said once the new baby comes along, she might have MIL sleep with the 1 year old in her place (don't know if I agree with that, but I also wouldn't ever be living with my parents). That seems more like she is doing it for the child, not so much as a selfish thing considering she wouldn't be the one doing it anymore anyway. There are always two sides to the story, and I'm sure if we talked to her she would have better reasoning than what her husband (who is unhappy about the whole thing) has to tell us. But who knows! You could be right. Either way, has nothing to do with safe or unsafe co-sleeping.

 

[yeojungi]

I would consider talking to your wife as a husband not as a father. Co-sleeping certainly has pros and cons and your wife likely knows them well. But the trouble may be that you and your wife don't get intimate and feel close since she sleeps with the child not you. I also sleep with my child not my husband. My husband cannot sleep deeply with me around. So, it works out well. Nonetheless, I also know it is important the couple spends some time together privately, not necessarily having sex, in order to feel appreciated. Why don't you tell your wife how you miss sleeping in the same bed with her?

 

[mom2many]

Ok Dadu...I've got to pick you apart a little, cause what you say seems to be what a lot of people believe.

I am not a co-sleeping advocate...quite honestly, I think it is much more detrimental to both the child and the parents than it does any good.

Just a couple of reasons ('cuz I dont want to write a novel) is that it interferes directly with the relationship of the parents. Part of a healthy relationship is alone time with eachother...both emotionally and physically. Having a child in bed with you obviously prohibits that. Another reason is that the child will become less self-sufficient and constantly rely on "mommy and daddy" to soothe and comfort when attempting to sleep.

Personally, i don't see co-sleeping as beneficial...obviously I'm in the minority.

Co-sleeping only interferes with a couples relationship, if that couple allows it to. None of my kids got here on their own . It means we get creative, and it is also one of the way's things stay fun between us, quickies in the bathroom can be just as enjoyable as a quickie in the bed. Ok, more then you needed to know but the truth is we have just as much us time as other couples do. Maybe even more cause we aren't asleep during a large portion of our quality time.

I also have very self sufficient children, although I will grant that some parents over indulge their children, it's really in how it is approached. Yes we sleep together but I do give them techniques to do it on their own.

And no, you are not the minority, here..yes, but as a rule most parents feel that co-sleeping is a bad thing, especially in this country. This country has very real push to make our babies independent and see any form of dependence on their parents as a bad thing. And yet, it is also those same parents who complain about how fast our children are growing up, we as a society can't have it both ways.

 

[gmamma]

<SIZE size="125">Xero – I wasn’t insinuating that you get nothing from co-sleeping. I meant that your reasoning for co-sleeping isn’t mainly your own feelings. For example, you didn’t have your child come back to your bed when he chose to convert to his own bed just to make you more comfortable. You have other benefits from it and that works for your family. Whereas, in Quatrix’s situation, it seems that it’s not working for their family as a whole at this point. I’m not saying that co-sleeping couldn’t work for them if they worked together as parents. I would be more inclined to agree with you that he is a disgruntled husband that just wants sex back in his marriage. However, he doesn’t seem to be attacking his wife in any way. In fact, he defends her by pointing out her background and showing his concern for her sleeping habits. I do pick up on some bitterness about the lack of sex(which anyone would be somewhat bitter about) and the fact that his wife seems to be keeping him out of the decision making regarding this aspect of the child’s life but on the whole he seems more concerned about the way things are. I do agree that to fully understand this situation, we’d need input from his wife. But seeing as this is a forum and usually there is only one side of every story posted, we can only work with what is posted. I concede that his wife may have very good reasoning for continuing on co-sleeping as she is but simply the fact that she is leaving the baby’s father/her husband completely out of the loop with no real information or options is a problem in itself. </SIZE>

 

[Xero]

I definitely agree that if any sleeping situation is not working for your family, then something needs to change about it. It seems like their sleeping situation is getting in the way of their marriage, and that is never a good thing. I would be worried about the lack of intimacy. I know if I ever didn't want to have sex with DH, he would be pretty down all the time and he would feel really put out. Heck, so would I. I kind of feel like its more to do with their relationship as a husband and wife though, because no matter where you sleep or where your kids are at, if you WANT to have sex, you will still make it happen. But then I realize their situation is a little more complicated, with the parents living with them. It would probably help drastically for them to get their own seperate place (or for the parents to do so, I'm not sure which way around it is haha). Its hard to live a comfortable, independent life of your own with a couple of outsiders constantly looking over your shoulder and voicing their opinions.

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

This is a toughie. I am not a co-sleeper (unless hayleigh is having a bad night, then she comes to bed with us, and I have no problem with that), but I agree with what Xero's last post said. If its causing issues in the marriage then something needs to change. I'm thinking maybe a talk with his wife is in order??

 

[Dadu2004]

Co-sleeping only interferes with a couples relationship, if that couple allows it to. None of my kids got here on their own .

Are you suggesting that "Mom2Many" has had S-E-X before?

 

[Xero]

Eewwww!!