Hi, This is my first post. I am worried about my daughter she doesn't have any real friends and seems very lonely. She has been making comments lately about just giving up. She is nice and attractive but very petite so most people think she is much younger than her 17 yrs. She is a good kid, well liked by her teachers maybe a little bit of a over achiever and a "goody goody" she can't seem to keep friends, she has never had a boyfriend and has been a handful of dates but they don't call again. I have tried to talk to her but I don't think I am saying the right things. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Worried about 17 year old daughter...
- Thread starter burgundyrose
- Start date
Have you read the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk"? It very good. There is also a version for teens, "How to Talk so Teens...". which I have not read.
But I don't want to divert you from Cybele's suggestion of professional counselling. I could be a serious urgent matter that needs more than DIY measures.
But I don't want to divert you from Cybele's suggestion of professional counselling. I could be a serious urgent matter that needs more than DIY measures.
As a therapist, based on what you're describing, I don't see any major problems right off the bat. Of course that doesn't mean that there aren't any problems. She may not even feel as though anything is wrong, she may be depressed but her current state may not be that distressing to her. It may be more distressing to you than it is to her. I agree that you may need to change the way that you talk to her. My suggestion is to listen more. I would also suggest doing more things together. Maybe you already do this, but maybe you could go shopping with her, go out to eat with her, go to the movies with her. The focus of doing this is to specifically avoid talking about problems and focus on the relationship and being people together. When you foster a positive relationship with your kids, their guards are going to naturally crumble and if something is bothering her, she is more likely to come out with it if she doesn't feel pressured.
I am by far no expert, but I think I recognize something. you say that boys will date her once but never a second time. this largely suggests to me that she has been indoctrinated into a goody goody lifestyle, which is incompatible with todays young person conduct and social functions. thus nobody wants to be bothered with her. hoping its not too late, you might try to get her to loosen up a little and be a little more realistic in life. name of the game is that if she is a kid, then act like a kid.
Today when surfing indiegogo I came across an interesting project. It's called UON. I want to buy it for my son. Its developers describe UON as a device, which helps in all main spheres of life. It equipped with a SOS button and tracker https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/uon-first-modular-android-monitoring-device/x/10228528[/url]
My daughter is going through some depression lately over similar circumstances. She is well-brought up, mannerly for the most part, highly empathetic, struggles in certain subjects but is a good student and kids at school seem to pick on her and hasn't been asked out by a boy, once, which is a good thing because she needs to focus more on her schoolwork. But some of her peers have picked up on her attribute to listening and caring and so they have dumped a lot of drama onto her to get advice and for her to fix it for them. This has caused much stress and she has spent many nights crying, not wanting to go to school and a month ago, the school counsellor called me to tell me she was cutting at school. This disturbed me and it took a lot for me not to react too much out of fear and sadness in front of her. In the pamphlet that was sent home stated that is not helpful and can worsen the situation if you yell, scold, lecture, punish your kid for cutting because it adds to the stress and makes them feel even more depressed. It is better to be sympathetic and bring her to a doctor or get her into therapy where they do know how to talk to kids in that state of mind. When I found out she was cutting I was even more surprised because the topic has come up as so many cutting teens and kids are posting stuff on the internet, showing off their cuts, and my daughter always said how stupid it was and how it doesn't solve anything. She doesn't cut herself anymore, but I'm still wary. It's hard to keep a good watch on her without her feeling like I don't believe her or that I don't trust her.burgundyrose said:Hi, This is my first post. I am worried about my daughter she doesn't have any real friends and seems very lonely. She has been making comments lately about just giving up. She is nice and attractive but very petite so most people think she is much younger than her 17 yrs. She is a good kid, well liked by her teachers maybe a little bit of a over achiever and a "goody goody" she can't seem to keep friends, she has never had a boyfriend and has been a handful of dates but they don't call again. I have tried to talk to her but I don't think I am saying the right things. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Back to your daughter,
Not everyone fits into the social mainstream and that is okay. I believe your daughter is more confident and secure with herself than she even thinks. You didn't mention this, but does she try to fit in? Dress like the others? Act differently? Or does she be herself and stick to her own style and personality? If the latter, it shows she's not bending to what others expect her to be like and, for some, that takes courage and confidence. It doesn't change her feelings of depression because she is still looking for acceptance and still wants to experience dating and that is normal. Loneliness is a social taboo, it does not mean there is anything wrong with her socially.
You need to ask her what she means "giving up". This could go many directions. Giving up on a social life? Giving up on being herself? Giving up on being a "goody-goody" (note: it would be a good idea to refrain from giving her a label)? Giving up on control of her life, letting other dictate what she should do? Giving up life indefinitely?
If you are concerned about her well-being, some things to watch out for are: an notable increase in time spent in her bedroom or the bathroom, suspicious marks on her body (particularly her arms), loss of appetite, an unusual shift in moodiness, her putting up walls when you are trying to talk to her about school, calls from the school regarding her behavior and any other concerns.
If none of the above, and it's still a concern to you then you can talk to the school counsellor, teachers and any other school staff that can help, they may have more information about what it going on with her at school.
You can also talk to her doctor about it, but arm yourself with as much information before settling on further therapy. There are so many kids out there that are over diagnosed and over medicated, or misdiagnosed and mis-medicated.
Oh, whoops. I was looking at the date of the last post.:speechsorry:cybele said:Artmom, you might want to watch the dates on some of these posts, this one was posted almost two years ago.