Worrying about my "stepson" pushing us away at a difficult time...

[Worrying]

Sixteen years ago my husband and I were ready to divorce when I came up with the idea of seeing other people. Quickly I found out no one was as good as him but he met a girl. She was nineteen and they met at a bookstore. He told me he thought she was the one. Nine months into their relationship she got pregnant with a little boy, they stayed together until he was about six months old.*

After they broke up we got back together and have been fine since. When the baby was two they moved to California so she could go to school. We saw him once when we went there for a vacation when he was about four, shortly after that my husband got a letter from her asking him to give up his parental rights which he refused to sign. When he was six they moved to New York and we didn't ever see him again until our youngest daughter found him on Facebook about two years ago. He was so handsome and he looked very smart. Our daughter would message him whenever she came over and we all would read his responses together.

Nine months ago, his mother took her own life. Her body was brought back here where she grew up. He now lives with us, and he's a fantastic kid. He's very quiet and polite and when he does get talking he's very very funny. he's taken it upon himself to mow the lawn and clean the house. It started after I was stressed about my house being a mess and friends were coming over. I left and when I came back my house was sparkling, I almost cried I was so shocked. It hasn't stopped, I've told him he doesn't need to clean, but he still does. He got a 4.0 this year and an outstanding student award, but he didn't tell us about the awards assembly and was there all alone. When my husband asked him why he didn't tell us he said it was because he didn't want us there. That broke my heart, we just want to be supportive of him.*

A very pretty girl asked him to the school dance and he told her no, he thought she was fake and to stay away from him. Her parents came to our house and talked to us about it and said they didn't like the way he treated her and we should make him go with her. My husband said no, we wouldn't make him do anything he didn't want to.

I asked him if maybe he would like to speak to a therapist and he told me no but thanked me for my concern. I'm worrying that maybe we aren't doing the right thing by letting him call the shots, but I don't want to push him away either... What should we do?

 

[cybele]

So he's 16?

I actually don't think there is an awful lot to be worried about. Getting things out of teenagers sometimes can be like pulling teeth, there have been so many school events that my kids have had where the information hasn't trickled down to me, remember, to teenagers we are the single most uncool people on the face of the earth, and it probably isn't the 'coolest' thing to have your parents at school events, which may be why he didn't tell you about it.

The girl, well, something tells me that there is a little more to that story for him to tell her to stay away from him. At the very least, her parents sound very over the top. I couldn't imagine approaching the parents of a kid that one of my kids liked to try and make them make their child go out with mine. That is... weird.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

What? He doesn't want to go out with a certain girl, so he has to see a therapist?

 

[Worrying]

He's almost fifteen, he's one of the younger boys in his class. It was a big deal to my husband when we saw the awards he brought home because my husband really wants to get to know him. He was always very active in our other children's successes at school and it was something he enjoyed so its hard for him to not have that with this boy.

My suggestion about therapy was because he talks about his mother so little I think it is because he is uncomfortable with us. So someone else could maybe help him. He cries at night all the time it woke me up a few hours ago.

 

[IADad]

hmmmm, it does seem odd. I get the point that it's not so much because he didn't want to see the girl, it's HOW he handled the situation. It does seem to add up that he has some trouble with relationships (and that seems completely understandable) His mom obviously had some struggles herself, do you know what his life with her was like? Did he get used to cleaning for her because of something she did or didn't do that he was forced to compensate for?

If your parent alarm is going off because you think something just isn't right here, then you're probably correct, and some counseling may either uncover the source of the problem or confirm, that there's nothing particularly wrong, just a tenn coping with losing his mom, kind of stuff.) I'd be worried that there's a pressure cooker boiling here that's about to explode. So the question is how to get someone into counseling who doesn't want to go, doesn't see the need. I'm sorry, I don't have a good answer for that, anyone?

 

[Worrying]

I think he was really happy with her. I know they were very active and went places together, it was always obvious she worshiped the ground he walked on. I do knowshe was very sick the last year of her life, you can see her deteriorating in pictures. A few weeks before she lost a baby. She sent a text to her ex-fiancé saying to not let him in the apartment, apparently they were together. She locked the door which the ex kicked down and all my stepson could see blood on the floor but didn't see her until the funeral. That's what we were told at least.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

After such traumatic experience, some cheeky girl should be the least if your worries.
As for counceling, it is a good idea, but be careful - some of them can be very unhelpful. Try something out yourself - like family therapist - then see how it goes.

 

[mom2many]

Try family therapy, make it a group thing so he doesn't feel so singled out, if nothing else it will give you guys a hand when it comes to dealing with it.

That is a lot for a young boy, with a lot of variables. He does sound awesome, his mama raised him well, but he does need an outlet.

 

[Andrew W.]

What you can do is provide him with a home. What you can't do is become an intimate part of his life instantly. He is basically an adult, because he is mature for his age anyway and because he has had to grow up fast. Any relationship you build with him now will have to be the kind of relationship you build with grown children. Awards are probably meaningless to him. He sounds a lot like Dicey Tillerman from Dicey's Song.

You can urge him more strongly to see a couselor. Tell him he doesn't have to see anyone more than once, and that you are willing to let him try every couselor in the area, but since he doesn't seem to be comfortable opening up to either of you, and his mother is dead, you feel it is important that there be an adult in his life he does feel comfortable talking with. Offer to go as a family, if that is something he wants, but I wouldn't force that on him, either, if he is uncomfortable with it.

And regardless of anything else, you can't make it all about you. It isn't and can't be his job right now to help you with your insecurities in your relationship with him. It sounds like he is coping very well, but a parent's death is difficult enough, let alone an only parent's suicide. I can't even imagine.

I am a little bit confused about the ages here. How old is your youngest daugher? It sounds like your husband had this child before you folks got back together and started a family, but it also sounds like your "youngest daughter" lives elsewhere if she "came over" to send him facebook messages, and something else made it seem that your other children were grown. Is she an adult?

If she is, she is probably the person in your family he has the closest connection to, and ought to be part of his support network in a major way.

I don't see anything at all abnormal in the situation with the helicopter girl or in not informing you about his award assembly. Not wanting you at the awards assembly might just be because having you there would have made it a bigger deal than it was already, rather than anything negative in his feelings about you. He probably didn't want to be there himself. It might be a guy thing. Our son doesn't tell us about any honors he receives, but our daughter is all smiles and hugs and sharing them with us. I was much more like my son. And I'm with cybele, the helicopter family seems a sensible bunch to avoid.

Instead of second guessing or even analyzing all his decisions, maybe just let him know you are there for him if he needs you, and then be there for him if he needs you. Let him know it is okay for him to cry.

 

[singledad]

Not much top as to what Andrew wrote. Some excellent advice in there.

 

[Worrying]

My children are all older my son is 30, my older daughter is 26 and my youngest is 23. My husband and I have been married for 31 years and are in our fifties, he was seeing his son's mother while we were taking a break. (which I stupidly suggested)*

We were driving yesterday and I told him he could put it on whatever he wanted. He put it on an alternative station and his favorite song came on, I've never heard him sing before and I was blown away.*I told him he was an awesome singer, he smiled and turned red. He told me he won a competition singing and playing guitar when he was seven. But his guitar broke a few months later and she couldn't ever afford to buy him another one.

I asked him if he ever would get another, and he said he would, he just didn't have money.

Maybe we should get him one.

 

[Andrew W.]

Maybe we should get him one.

If you can afford it, there is no maybe about it. But it should be done not as something for him, personally, but as a normal thing done in your family to support the talent of a member.

Make it clear you are treating him exactly the way your other children have been treated in similar situations. That is a kind of permanence that doesn't rely on how someone feels on a particular day. He is probably coming from a "you and me against the world" situation with his mother, lacking money, lacking a support network, and still making it alone together for fourtheen years until suddenly she decided one day that they weren't. He didn't just lose his mother, he lost a partner in life, and probably feels he let her down in some way even if he is capable of understanding the situation intellectually.

Don't just buy a guitar for him. He almost certainly knows more about what he would like than you do. Take him shopping for one, tell him what the budget is, and if he wants something fancier, let him chip in the extra with money from either a job or things he does around the house. He may also need or want lessons, so let him know money is available for that, if it is. A lot of people have picked guitar playing up on their own, though, and he may prefer that.

 

[Worrying]

My husband took him guitar shopping today, he gave him a limit to spend and they walked around for hours. He played almost every guitar in the store, my husband walked away from him and instead of calling his name he said "Dad" it caught him off guard.

He got an American made telecaster, an amp, and a case. He's in his room practicing now. He asked why we were doing this for him, and we said that it was something we thought he'd like.

 

[cybele]

That sounds great, big step him calling him 'Dad', and it sounds like he really appreciates the gift.

 

[Worrying]

We had his 15th birthday party today, but just our daughters came (our son is moving so he couldn't make it) he didn't want to invite any friends over. We had a nice time together. I could tell he was sad though, it broke my heart...

I wish I could help him.

 

[Andrew W.]

I wish I could help him.

You are.

 

[mom2many]

You're doing all that you can. He knows you are there for him, he'll come to you when he is ready.

 

[MarkLakewood336]

I feel that you're doing a great job with your stepson. I find it very appropriate that you are allowing him to make his own decisions provided that he is following your rules and behaving himself nicely. I would think that you would limit his ability to make his own decisions if he begins challenging your rules. I feel that you should stay the course and let him come to you if he wants us to talk about any issues.

 

[Worrying]

We are coming up on a year since his mom died, and it's just been so hard for everyone involved. I hate seeing him depressed like this. Her ex cut off all contact with him a few months ago and we have no idea why... That's been really hard on him. They were like father and son, they were together the night she died. My husband wants to find him and give him a piece of his mind.

 

[phonetherapylin]

I think your doing the right thing by not pushing him. He has been through a lot recently. Hey may want to speak with someone but is to shy to have a face to face with a therapist. By his grade point average he has a lot going for him. He may have turned that girls invitation to the dance down because he is scared to let another woman into his life afraid it might get ripped away again. There are many online or over the phone avenues you can pursue to give your son someone to talk to.