a confused and concerned first time mom...

[firsttimemom]

Ok I appologize if I'm not using this forum thing right....I have no clue how to do this I'm just looking to get other parents opinions on a situation I have. I am a mother of a 5 1/2 year old girl. My first and only child. I love her so much , anyways she just started school in Sept and went from being a child that got hit and bit and hurt at daycare from other kids to being the kid that hits her teacher and other students and lunch monitors, she don't listen to her teacher in class, even the reward system they have for her doesnt always work. Shes very smart knows what she has to do and receits it to me every morning. I know she understands but she just dont do it. Constantly out of her seat, backtalking the teacher, sayin NO which is her new fav word, even with me. and shes just getting worse. I take her to the store and she runs around wild, won't hold my hand, is distracted with any thing that catches her eye, she plays with toy phones in stores, grabs stuff off the shelves she actually wiped her nose on me and was kicking me in the checkout line to the poiint i put the items i was going to buy back on the shelf and walked out the store, shes acting out and i hate to see her this way. I ask her why she does it and she says she dont know, or just because, she told me the other day when I said it makes me sad and I cry if shes bad and she laughed at me and said she liked to see me cry. what did I do wrong or am I doing wrong I yell and it dont work, I put her in timeout it dont work I take away fav toys and eeven her tv priveleges, and I even went and took all her stuff out of her room but her bed and she just dont get it. And to make matters worse I went to the doc to see if he can reffer me to someone else to take her to and he said "kids will be kids they can all be bad your over annalyzing this, shes fine to me......etc" yet this man doesn't know my daughter and he had me crying b/c I was getting so angry that he wouldnt understand he said he was reffering her but i dont know if he even took the time to. Im sorry there no other kid in her class doing this, and shes already had an in school suspension I really dont know what to do or who to talk to b/c my mother is even getting annoyed with her granddaughter and its not fun anymore. she wants to cave and let her watch tv just b/c shes annoyed by her. I mean I have no support and I dont know what to do. I love her and want her to do good in school but dont know where to start I want it to all just be good it hurts to know that she is having problems in school and that shes giving me attitude all the days were together what could be wrong, any tips or help would be great i really just needed a shoulder to cry on again sorry if this wasn't where i was to write this , i really just know know if being a mom is always going to be this hard, im exhausted and frustrated but i love my child i may say mean things but never mean it i hope someone can shine some light on my issue thanks

a confused and concerned first time mom

 

[mom2many]

I have most your post to it's own thread. Our forum has a 5 post rule, meaning you need to post 5 response to someone else question before you can post your own. I'll let it slide this time.

I'll be back later to read your question and maybe give some idea's.

 

[Sallyskidshop]

I'm so sorry that you are having such terrible problems with your daughter. Please go to my website (removed, no site linking) and look under children, scroll down & you'll see "Temper Tantrums," click on it & the article will open up. There may be some useful tips for you. I would urge you also to get some professional help, not your doctor who obviously didn't seem to care, but there are organisations in the wider community that should be able to help you. Good luck.

 

[bssage]

A little more history would be nice like are you a single mother? Is grandma a significant caregiver? ect and break things up instead of one long paragraph. Its a little hard to read.

This is only an opinion. Different things work for different people and you parenting style makes a big difference on what strategy can be effective for you. So take what you can from the advice and don't get distressed if you cant pull off something that you are advised to do here.

Sounds mean but I take my parenting style from "The Dog Whisperer" Calm and assertive.

I never am mean like "your a bad kid" or "your terrible" I will say things like "you are behaving bad" or this behavour is terrible"

Time outs are generally the proven best pratice IMHO but you have to be commited and consistant to the process. If you search "time out" I am sure you will find the exact process spelled out.

Use whatever stratagy you have choosen as soon as the unwanted behavour presents itself. Do not allow it to gain momentum or snowball by negotiation or pleading. This is especially true if you know, that she knows, what she is doing is wrong to begin with. Sooner is better. Dont threaton or warn her again if its something she already knows is wrong its just pointless.

I also would find another doctor. If yours is not willing to listen and take you seriously that's no good for anyone.

My last piece of advice is talk to her teachers and school. They see this type of thing often. With my daughter we asked that if they find things that are effective for modifying Chloe's behavior to let us know and we will do the same for them. This has been both a great aid in finding things that work, and helping them to understand that we are struggling fixing this problem.

I shortened my answers I can easly write a long several page answer. I hoped to highlight the things I feel are most important. Dont feel alone.

 

[Sallyskidshop]

<r><COLOR color="black"><s></s>Was thinking more about your problem. First of all you have to decide which battles are worth fighting over, if you are sweating over the small stuff you'll totally wear yourself out. I'm not saying that it’s not important to put boundaries in place because it is - if your child is having a temper tantrum in a shop, the best way to deal with that is simply to march out obviously with her in tow. A story that I must share with you, my granddaughter wanted some sweets, was in a book store of a friend & they have sweets down low for obvious reasons, I said that I didn't have any money on me & even if I had she wasn't getting it, she went on & on, then finally got down on the floor & had a hissy fit, I did the same thing, she looked at me, run to the back of the shop & has never done it again. She saw how stupid I looked & obviously decided that she looked the same. If you have the courage to do what your daughter’s doing, it may have the desired effect. Some may say that this is bad parenting I what did with my granddaughter, but it worked & that was what I wanted to happen.<e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR></r>

 

[parentastic]

First time mom, I can help you.
But I need a bit more background.

Are you a single mother? If so, how is the father? Are you alone to raise your daughter or is she being raised in part by other people? (father? grandmother? etc)

When she was in school and was bullied, how did you learn about it? How long did it last? What was going on? How did it change? How did she came to become a bully instead?

How much time do you spend with her? Do you work or stay at home with her? What does a typical day looks like for you and your daughter? On a weekday? On a weekend?

So far, from what I read, I think I know *exactly* what is going on and how to handle it, but I don't want to offer you wrong advice before I confirm what I think.