Alright OP, so my understand is that the baby is between 2 and 3 years old. So I am going to run with that assumption and see where that leads.
The age is very important because it helps me compare the behavior you are describing and the possible issues underlying it with the boy's normal development stages.
momat18 said:
can you tell me if it is alright if i let him cry because if i go to him, i lose my temper?
This is how it works.
Normally, a parent should <I>
never</I> let a baby cry. This does not mean you have to agree with what the child wants though! There are ways to say no and still be present and caring, and I will show you how a bit further below, if you bear with me.
There is one exception to the above rule: if you know you are about to lose your temper, if you are going to yell, or become violent, then it is better to leave the room and calm down first, even if you have to let your son cry while you do so. You cannot help your son deal with his own pain and distress if you do not first deal with your own distress. If this happens, however, you should try to get back into your senses as fast as possible, because each time you let your baby cry alone, your make the problem slightly more difficult to solve on the long run.
One last comment: It might be difficult at times to leave and take that time out for yourself if you are alone with the baby, because babies need constant care. At 2-3 years old he is probably too old to put in a crib and you should never lock him away in a small space either.
So if you know you are about to lose your temper, ask your spouse to take it from there, or ask a babysitter, or call a friend or a neighbor.
This being said, I see two distinct issues here.
1) There seem to be some potential attachment issues underlying this situation. When I see this:
momat18 said:
nothing! not at least in the recent past. there were some changes but they were more than a year ago and we already went through that stage of getting used to it. there was separation and i lived with my parents for six months but then moved back with my husband. after that, i left him for one month with my mother and went for pilgrimage. but like i said, it was one year back and when i came back, it wasnt easy to handle him as he was insecure but we already went through that stage and now i dont think, that is a problem anymore.
I try to see things from the baby's perspective:
If he is 2 years old, it means that for nearly
HALF HIS LIFE, his mother left him. 6 months might not seem long to you - but for him, it's an eternity. Then, just as he was barely trying to make sens of the idea that the most important person in his whole life left him, SURPRISE! That person comes back. So he is now trying to get to understand this: can I trust mommy now? Is she back for good? Is she going to hurt me again? Can I <I>
dare</I> to attach myself again? And just as he gets to the point where he is starting to feel secure again, WHAM! Mommy leaves again, for a FULL MONTH! Again, that's a LOT for a toddler! His entire life is 24 months, and a months is 1/6th of the whole initial abandonment. Then again, BAM! Mom is back. He is now even LESS secure in the idea that it is okay to trust mom to stay with him. And he is too little to really understand a logical explanation. He can only FEEL this insecurity right now, from his right brain hemisphere.
So my haunch is that the insecurity problems are FAR from over and that, even though he went through the initial phase of the separation and reunion, the deeper effect it had on him are still very real and very deep.
The behavior you are witnessing, IMO, is in direct relation with the abandonment issues the boy had to go and live through during the first 2 years of his life.
2) The way adult's behaviors are constantly shifting and expectations are different depending if it's you (before), you (now), or your parents. This means that it is confusing for your son.
His insecurities means he will need a lot of reassurance and a lot of constant, benevolent and gentle presence. But when he is with your parents he gets this a certain way, and with you another way, and this is confusing for him. He is trying to meet his needs for security and the ways he behaves are attempts at this; however when he does, it is met with various unpredictable results. The boy needs consistency, in addition to care and gentleness.
Now, this does NOT mean that the caregiver should do everything he asks! For instance:
momat18 said:
he told me to make pop corns, i made them, when i gave it to him in a plate, he told me he wanted in a bowl, i gave him in a bowl and he starts crying
This is a very tale-telling behavior.
Your son feels this deep need to feel reassured.
Asking for something is a way to "test" if the parent is reliable.
But what he needs is not the popcorn, or the plate, or the bowl.
What he truly needs is to feel the safety, the reliability, the care from you. So the bowl will never be "enough" because what he really needs, he does not have the words to ask for it.
When he gets the popcorn... he stills feels the longing need for reassurance. It's not working. So he asks for something more. When he gets that too, it's still not really helping. So he asks for the bowl.. and it's still not helping. Except now, mom is mad at him! So he starts crying, because he just doe snot know how to make it right.
Do you get the gist of what might be going on?
If I am right, here is how to solve this.
It will take a LOT of repetitions and patience, however, because you need to re-establish the trust and the safety, and this takes time.
Here is how:
<LIST>
<LI>
- Each time your son asks for something, keep in mind chances are, he is really expressing his need for security and attachment</LI>
<LI>
- Lower yourself so that you are at your son's level and make eye contact</LI>
<LI>
- Make a gentle, full-of-care smile. Smile a lot. I know it's hard if you are already fed-up with the cries, but this is VERY important. Smiles trigger some deep, wired mechanism in the brain; it trigger attachment, and trust. Your son needs to see you smiling to him. A LOT. Especially when he is sad or in distress.</LI>
<LI>
- Touch him gently, on the arm or shoulder. Touch is also wired in the brain and it establishes a true contact.</LI>
<LI>
- Now, try to paraphrase what he asked you. Try to identify his emotions. Name them. Say things like: "Awww... you are really sad, my love. You really wanted that popcorn... hey?" or even "You don't feel very good do you? Hey... It's okay not to feel good... here, give me a biiiiig hug...."</LI>
</LIST>
You don't need to give up and give him the popcorn. It's MORE IMPORTANT to give him your words of understanding. It's what he really needs. To feel loved. To feel cared for. To feel important. To feel appreciated. To heel he matters to you. To feel he can count on you always, even when he feels so bad he can't even know how to explain it to you, or he doesn't even understand it himself.
Can you do this?