what should i do when my baby cries for no reason at all. he told me to make pop corns, i made them, when i gave it to him in a plate, he told me he wanted in a bowl, i gave him in a bowl and he starts crying and doesnt stop for half an hour. i asked him what he wants but he just cried. when i soothed him, he cried more. this happens a lot of time and i just go crazy in trying to handle him. i feel like giving him a good slap so he would shut up but of course i cant and so i shout and the neighbors would all talk about me. i pick him and he cries more. i go out of his sight and this helps a bit but only for a few seconds. plz give me some ideas what i should do i this situation?
advice needed urgently...
- Thread starter momat18
- Start date
Here's where I see mistake #1. Your child doesn't "tell" you what to do...you're the adult, they're the child. "He told me" doesn't work...you tell him, not him tell you. Sounds to me like you have a discipline issue here...time to take control of your own home and his behavior.momat18 said:
yeah, I bristled as the "told me" comment too. It sounds like it could be behavioral, in which case you need to step up the consistency. You give positive results in response to positive behavior, but there could also be some root cause here. How's his health? Has be pooped lately? Is there some rational reason for him beign irrational and can you solve that problem?
No babies cries for "no reason at all". There is always a reason - a root cause - even if it is not always easy to find it.momat18 said:
Would you tell us how old he is, please? This would help us help you.
I'll need a lot more context to help you.momat18 said:
What you are describing here is a little bit like the tip of the iceberg, OP.
There is most probably a lot more to it.
Was there recent changes in the family? Any separation, divorce? Any significant event? Any accident? Injuries? Anything that has modified the routine or the safety of the relationship this boy had with either you and/or the other parent, or both? Any recent move? Vacations? New daycare center?
It must be very, very difficult and nerve-wrecking. It's way better to yell than hit. Please be careful, if you feel like you can't handle him, it's better to stay away because babies can be fragile (ex. see baby shake syndrom, which can cause brain damage).momat18 said:
You will need to provide more information before I can help.momat18 said:
The boy can cry both because he is scared of you or because he needs to be closer to you and seeks more security and safety and connections. It can go both ways, and it's hard to tell without more details.
What have you done so far in the recent past with that boy? Have you had a time in which you were close with the boy and he was happy with you and were not crying? When was that? What changed since them?
Let me know so I can help you better.
Nicolas, Family Life Educator
yes, there is behavior problem. let me explain you: i was extremely fond of babies and so, when he was born, i would do anything for him and would not say anythign to him on his bad behavior. but most of all, he is spoiled (can't think of any other word) by his grand parents (my parents) who would go frantic even if he cries a little bit. an example: some days back he was crying because he wanted my sister's iphone and throw it. my sister wont let him throw so he cried. my mother would have explained surely that it is not the right thing to throw, it will break, etc etc but he must not have listened so my mom gave him her own mobile, which is cheaper and let him throw.IADad said:
now, am trying to change my own way of handling my son because NOW i think good behavior is very important. but my parents are still not thinking this way and so, it is difficult. i go to my parent's house every week and so, all my efforts are drained. plus, it is near to impossible if i try to discipline him in front of them. they would give him anything he wants.
besides this general behavior problem, i think he usually does this "crying" thing when he is tired, when he is having flu or whenever he feels a bit unwell. can you tell me if it is alright if i let him cry because if i go to him, i lose my temper?parentastic said:
nothing! not at least in the recent past. there were some changes but they were more than a year ago and we already went through that stage of getting used to it. there was separation and i lived with my parents for six months but then moved back with my husband. after that, i left him for one month with my mother and went for pilgrimage. but like i said, it was one year back and when i came back, it wasnt easy to handle him as he was insecure but we already went through that stage and now i dont think, that is a problem anymore. however, he is going to school now and of course, when the teacher takes him to the class, he cries a bit but overall he enjoys his school and likes to go. he would be excited when i tell him to get ready for school but when we get there, and its time to leave me, he cries. may be that is a problem which is causing this behavior.parentastic said:
well, he is 2+. i dont think he is scared of me at all. he is already close to me. i am like giving him kisses all the time , so much that my husband scolds me to stay away.parentastic said:
plz tell me if it alright if i let him cry? and in such situations when he wants something that you can't allow him and he cries, what should i do?
Alright OP, so my understand is that the baby is between 2 and 3 years old. So I am going to run with that assumption and see where that leads.
The age is very important because it helps me compare the behavior you are describing and the possible issues underlying it with the boy's normal development stages.
Normally, a parent should <I>never</I> let a baby cry. This does not mean you have to agree with what the child wants though! There are ways to say no and still be present and caring, and I will show you how a bit further below, if you bear with me.
There is one exception to the above rule: if you know you are about to lose your temper, if you are going to yell, or become violent, then it is better to leave the room and calm down first, even if you have to let your son cry while you do so. You cannot help your son deal with his own pain and distress if you do not first deal with your own distress. If this happens, however, you should try to get back into your senses as fast as possible, because each time you let your baby cry alone, your make the problem slightly more difficult to solve on the long run.
One last comment: It might be difficult at times to leave and take that time out for yourself if you are alone with the baby, because babies need constant care. At 2-3 years old he is probably too old to put in a crib and you should never lock him away in a small space either.
So if you know you are about to lose your temper, ask your spouse to take it from there, or ask a babysitter, or call a friend or a neighbor.
This being said, I see two distinct issues here.
1) There seem to be some potential attachment issues underlying this situation. When I see this:
If he is 2 years old, it means that for nearly HALF HIS LIFE, his mother left him. 6 months might not seem long to you - but for him, it's an eternity. Then, just as he was barely trying to make sens of the idea that the most important person in his whole life left him, SURPRISE! That person comes back. So he is now trying to get to understand this: can I trust mommy now? Is she back for good? Is she going to hurt me again? Can I <I>dare</I> to attach myself again? And just as he gets to the point where he is starting to feel secure again, WHAM! Mommy leaves again, for a FULL MONTH! Again, that's a LOT for a toddler! His entire life is 24 months, and a months is 1/6th of the whole initial abandonment. Then again, BAM! Mom is back. He is now even LESS secure in the idea that it is okay to trust mom to stay with him. And he is too little to really understand a logical explanation. He can only FEEL this insecurity right now, from his right brain hemisphere.
So my haunch is that the insecurity problems are FAR from over and that, even though he went through the initial phase of the separation and reunion, the deeper effect it had on him are still very real and very deep.
The behavior you are witnessing, IMO, is in direct relation with the abandonment issues the boy had to go and live through during the first 2 years of his life.
2) The way adult's behaviors are constantly shifting and expectations are different depending if it's you (before), you (now), or your parents. This means that it is confusing for your son.
His insecurities means he will need a lot of reassurance and a lot of constant, benevolent and gentle presence. But when he is with your parents he gets this a certain way, and with you another way, and this is confusing for him. He is trying to meet his needs for security and the ways he behaves are attempts at this; however when he does, it is met with various unpredictable results. The boy needs consistency, in addition to care and gentleness.
Now, this does NOT mean that the caregiver should do everything he asks! For instance:
Your son feels this deep need to feel reassured.
Asking for something is a way to "test" if the parent is reliable.
But what he needs is not the popcorn, or the plate, or the bowl.
What he truly needs is to feel the safety, the reliability, the care from you. So the bowl will never be "enough" because what he really needs, he does not have the words to ask for it.
When he gets the popcorn... he stills feels the longing need for reassurance. It's not working. So he asks for something more. When he gets that too, it's still not really helping. So he asks for the bowl.. and it's still not helping. Except now, mom is mad at him! So he starts crying, because he just doe snot know how to make it right.
Do you get the gist of what might be going on?
If I am right, here is how to solve this.
It will take a LOT of repetitions and patience, however, because you need to re-establish the trust and the safety, and this takes time.
Here is how:
<LIST>
You don't need to give up and give him the popcorn. It's MORE IMPORTANT to give him your words of understanding. It's what he really needs. To feel loved. To feel cared for. To feel important. To feel appreciated. To heel he matters to you. To feel he can count on you always, even when he feels so bad he can't even know how to explain it to you, or he doesn't even understand it himself.
Can you do this?
The age is very important because it helps me compare the behavior you are describing and the possible issues underlying it with the boy's normal development stages.
This is how it works.momat18 said:
Normally, a parent should <I>never</I> let a baby cry. This does not mean you have to agree with what the child wants though! There are ways to say no and still be present and caring, and I will show you how a bit further below, if you bear with me.
There is one exception to the above rule: if you know you are about to lose your temper, if you are going to yell, or become violent, then it is better to leave the room and calm down first, even if you have to let your son cry while you do so. You cannot help your son deal with his own pain and distress if you do not first deal with your own distress. If this happens, however, you should try to get back into your senses as fast as possible, because each time you let your baby cry alone, your make the problem slightly more difficult to solve on the long run.
One last comment: It might be difficult at times to leave and take that time out for yourself if you are alone with the baby, because babies need constant care. At 2-3 years old he is probably too old to put in a crib and you should never lock him away in a small space either.
So if you know you are about to lose your temper, ask your spouse to take it from there, or ask a babysitter, or call a friend or a neighbor.
This being said, I see two distinct issues here.
1) There seem to be some potential attachment issues underlying this situation. When I see this:
I try to see things from the baby's perspective:momat18 said:
If he is 2 years old, it means that for nearly HALF HIS LIFE, his mother left him. 6 months might not seem long to you - but for him, it's an eternity. Then, just as he was barely trying to make sens of the idea that the most important person in his whole life left him, SURPRISE! That person comes back. So he is now trying to get to understand this: can I trust mommy now? Is she back for good? Is she going to hurt me again? Can I <I>dare</I> to attach myself again? And just as he gets to the point where he is starting to feel secure again, WHAM! Mommy leaves again, for a FULL MONTH! Again, that's a LOT for a toddler! His entire life is 24 months, and a months is 1/6th of the whole initial abandonment. Then again, BAM! Mom is back. He is now even LESS secure in the idea that it is okay to trust mom to stay with him. And he is too little to really understand a logical explanation. He can only FEEL this insecurity right now, from his right brain hemisphere.
So my haunch is that the insecurity problems are FAR from over and that, even though he went through the initial phase of the separation and reunion, the deeper effect it had on him are still very real and very deep.
The behavior you are witnessing, IMO, is in direct relation with the abandonment issues the boy had to go and live through during the first 2 years of his life.
2) The way adult's behaviors are constantly shifting and expectations are different depending if it's you (before), you (now), or your parents. This means that it is confusing for your son.
His insecurities means he will need a lot of reassurance and a lot of constant, benevolent and gentle presence. But when he is with your parents he gets this a certain way, and with you another way, and this is confusing for him. He is trying to meet his needs for security and the ways he behaves are attempts at this; however when he does, it is met with various unpredictable results. The boy needs consistency, in addition to care and gentleness.
Now, this does NOT mean that the caregiver should do everything he asks! For instance:
This is a very tale-telling behavior.momat18 said:
Your son feels this deep need to feel reassured.
Asking for something is a way to "test" if the parent is reliable.
But what he needs is not the popcorn, or the plate, or the bowl.
What he truly needs is to feel the safety, the reliability, the care from you. So the bowl will never be "enough" because what he really needs, he does not have the words to ask for it.
When he gets the popcorn... he stills feels the longing need for reassurance. It's not working. So he asks for something more. When he gets that too, it's still not really helping. So he asks for the bowl.. and it's still not helping. Except now, mom is mad at him! So he starts crying, because he just doe snot know how to make it right.
Do you get the gist of what might be going on?
If I am right, here is how to solve this.
It will take a LOT of repetitions and patience, however, because you need to re-establish the trust and the safety, and this takes time.
Here is how:
<LIST>
<LI>- Each time your son asks for something, keep in mind chances are, he is really expressing his need for security and attachment</LI>
<LI> - Lower yourself so that you are at your son's level and make eye contact</LI>
<LI> - Make a gentle, full-of-care smile. Smile a lot. I know it's hard if you are already fed-up with the cries, but this is VERY important. Smiles trigger some deep, wired mechanism in the brain; it trigger attachment, and trust. Your son needs to see you smiling to him. A LOT. Especially when he is sad or in distress.</LI>
<LI> - Touch him gently, on the arm or shoulder. Touch is also wired in the brain and it establishes a true contact.</LI>
<LI> - Now, try to paraphrase what he asked you. Try to identify his emotions. Name them. Say things like: "Awww... you are really sad, my love. You really wanted that popcorn... hey?" or even "You don't feel very good do you? Hey... It's okay not to feel good... here, give me a biiiiig hug...."</LI>
You don't need to give up and give him the popcorn. It's MORE IMPORTANT to give him your words of understanding. It's what he really needs. To feel loved. To feel cared for. To feel important. To feel appreciated. To heel he matters to you. To feel he can count on you always, even when he feels so bad he can't even know how to explain it to you, or he doesn't even understand it himself.
Can you do this?
At 2 years old, it might be an attention thing, especially when it was just over popcorn lol. Either he is just throwing a fit for the attention or he is overtired and needs to either go to bed or get a nap. I would try having him get a nap or regulating his sleep times a little better if they need it. Other than that, if you have tried to resolve the problem by finding out what is wrong, you've comforted him and he is still throwing a fit, I would have him go spend time in his room until he is done crying and is cooled down enough to talk to you and use his words to express his feelings rather than crying and screaming. I have always done this with my son. If there's nothing I can do to calm him down, then I will calmly take him to his room and gently tell him that he is to stay there until he is done crying and yelling and he is ready to talk. Its all up to him, he only stays in there for as long as he wants to throw a fit. Really I rarely have to use this anymore as he gets older, but it did a lot of good when he was that age. Good luck!
you are getting it all wrong. may be i did not explain it clearly. i just left him for one month. for six months, there was separation between my husband and i but he lived with me with my parents. when i moved back with my husband, then i left him for pilgrimage.parentastic said:
I am confused nowmomat18 said:
So - he was with both you and your husband first. Then at some point your husband and you got separated for 6 months. Where was the boy during that time? Was he still seeing you? and his father? Separately or together?
If I understand now (pffiew! Sorry sometimes it is confusing!), he has been away from his father for 6 months and then away from his mom for a month, is that it?
A toddler who keeps crying all the time even when his parents are doing what he wants is not well; something is going on. It's not "being spoiled".
yes, i can do this. the next time it happens, i m going to try this method and then will tell you if it worked or not.parentastic said:
do you think my parents are doing the right thing if they let him do whatever he wants. you cant believe it my mother let him have a can opener which has obviously got blades because he wanted to have it. and she let him ride his tricycle on the road where anytime a car can drive fast and there can be any mishap. 2 year old wont understand if we tell him to ride on the side of the road and not in the middle. i am having a strained relationship with my mother because of my son because i think she is showing extra love to him and spoiling him. when we go out, and he wants something, she buys him that no matter how expensive it is. she wouldnt buy one balloon to him but a whole bunch of them every time he wants it. it drives me crazy and i think this is the reason he behaves this way at home also where i just cant give him whatever he wants because i get tired. he wants to take out everything from the cabinets in the kitchen and create mess and i wouldnt let him because i get tired of keeping everything back.
yes, you are right, separated from his father for six months and then from his mother for one month. but he barely knew his father when we left him as he wasnt that attached at that time.parentastic said:I am confused now
So - he was with both you and your husband first. Then at some point your husband and you got separated for 6 months. Where was the boy during that time? Was he still seeing you? and his father? Separately or together?
If I understand now (pffiew! Sorry sometimes it is confusing!), he has been away from his father for 6 months and then away from his mom for a month, is that it?
A toddler who keeps crying all the time even when his parents are doing what he wants is not well; something is going on. It's not "being spoiled".
No, I don't think it is okay to let a toddler have everything he wants, unless he wants only safe and okay thingsmomat18 said:
(For instance, the Montessori philosophy will design a toddler's room so that absolutely everything he can touch, do, climb or see is okay and safe, in order to let the baby fully free to explore).
Generally, it is okay to let a toddler do whatever he wants, provided that:
1) It is safe
2) It respects the parent's needs (not only the toddler's needs)
There is no point in saying "no" just of the sake of it - saying yes to a toddler won't "spoil" him in any way, as long as you are not letting him do things that may be harmful and you aren't sacrificing your own needs for it. (if you do, you are teaching the child that his needs matters more than others; every human being needs should matter equally, ideally).
So your mother needs to learn to set clear boundaries.momat18 said:
The tricycle is okay on the garage parway, or in a back alley, or in a parc, and with careful supervision, it is okay on the side of the street, but NOT in the street and NOT on the side of the street without supervision.
At 2-3 years old, your son is curious and it's perfectly natural for him to want to touch everything, explore things, understand how they work, how they look and feel, etc.
It is the adult's role to try as much as possible to let him have these exploration, but within a safe and secure environment only.
If he wants to see the can opener, it might be okay.... if it is the adult who manipulates it for the child and with careful supervision. It's not okay to let him manipulate it at his will, because of the potential danger.
To be clear: "Spoiling" doesn't mean anything precise.momat18 said:
Children cannot be shown "too much love"; they may however be put in danger if we don't carefully supervise their exploration; in addition, when their needs start to interfere with other people's needs, then it's important to set these boundaries firmly.
But there is no risk to let a child explore at will if it is in a safe environment. There is no point saying "no" to a child for the sake's of "not spoiling them".
Here is an example:
Your child decides to play with a kitchen knife - pointy but not sharp. You know he can hurt himself with the pointy tip and you also have 10 thousands things to do; no time to "supervise" him and take the time to show him how a knife works, what "pointy" or "dangerous" means. So you just say no; and since he is too little to understand it, you might want to child-proof your house by locking that drawer, so he can no longer play with the kitchen knives.
Now same situation, but with your mom.
Your child decides to play with a kitchen knife in his grandma's kitchen. She knows he can hurt himself with the pointy tip, but she also have all the time in the world to take care of him and has nothing else better to do. So she can get the knife out of his hand (because he cannot keep it in his hands, it's too dangerous), but she can also take the baby on her lap, take one of his hand in one of her hand, and <I>together</I> they can touch gently and safely the tip of the knife as she says "Pointy" and then she can show "Ouch!!!" and make an upset face to show how one can get hurt with something pointy. This effectively both teaches the child new words ("pointy", "knife", "dangerous") and satisfy he needs for curiosity.
This would not be "spoiling", this would be appropriate, because it is supervised and safe.
Letting him play with the knife by himself, however, is not safe.
The only problem I see here is that it puts you in a bad position because he gets accustomed to have what he wants from her, and does not get it from you. It would be better if your mom would first refer to you before purchasing him what he wants. Most likely, again, it's a need for curiosity that drives him to ask for these things; he most likely don't really need to HAVE them.momat18 said:
So this is a good example of when the toddler's need meets your own need and the two are opposite.momat18 said:
His needs for curiosity makes him want to take out everything from the cabinets in the kitchen. It's perfectly normal: he is learning to categorize objects. This is a critical phase of his development: this is why toddler love games in which you put things in a box and out of the box again.
It's one of Piaget's stage of development.
But on the other hand, you will be stuck arranging it after he is done, and you have many other things to do. So you need to set a boundary here and only let him do that, perhaps, once, IF and only IF you know in advance that you are ready for the mess
otherwise, he can find other ways to develop his brain, through other games and explorations that don't involve a lot of annoying job for you.Hoping that this helps!
Let me know how it goes,
Nicolas
This philosophy has always baffled me. It sounds absolutely wonderful - allowing your kid to explore at will, without having to worry about his safety, but she isn't in her room 24/7! Shops aren't child proof (Meaning the toddler who is used to freedom needs to be restrained in the store - cue temper tantrum). Many of my friends' houses aren't child proof, if either their kids are older or they don't have kids. (So the parent is left running after the child, trying to explain that he can't do as he does at home), etc etc etc. In short, the world isn't child-proof, even if your home is. So when you allow your child to explore at will in your home, where and when does she learn to leave things alone???parentastic said:
I am not an expert of Montessori, so take what I say here with a grain of salt. But it seems to me that the Montessori philosophy is to prepare a child's room that is safe - not a entire house.singledad said:
Since your child will not be confined only to his own room, he still gets to learn how how to be careful and what is not allowed or is dangerous.
Another thing that comes to mind is that no matter how much you expose your child to safety issues in your house, in his room, or in the big world, he just cannot learn it until he is at least 2 years old anyway. He is not cognitively capable of understanding safety issues before that. No amount of talking, punishment, reward, or any other meaning can teach a child before his brain has developed enough to understand these concepts. This is why before 2 years old, the only thing parents can do is to child-proof their house. In that context, why not provide a fully explorable and fully safe environment to the child?
When ODS was little, his room was "baby proof". It wasn't difficult to accomplish, I mean it was a nursery lol. There's not much dangerous stuff to correct in a nursery. Once the plug covers were in and the monitor were out of reach everything else was pretty much touchable. He didn't really ever spend much time in there though, so it wasn't that magical lol. He was usually in the living room where there were things (not a ton of things, but still some) that he was not allowed to touch. Its not that hard to teach kids to avoid certain things. He knew he wasn't allowed to grab off of the bottom picture shelf or touch the X-box. If he went for anything he wasn't supposed to we would help him understand by saying things like "Nooo, that will hurt you! Ouch!" or "Nooo, that's yucky! Ew!", or "Nooo, that's mommy's! That's not nice!" or whatever was appropriate. Then we would move him to some other distraction. It worked really well (sometimes required some repetitiveness, but otherwise worked well).
good for you that it worked. my son knows everything what is appropriate and what is not. but he does it deliberately. he would pick up a glass in front of us, really show us that he is throwing it and by the time we get him, he would already throw it and then show us the pieces of glass that would spread all over the floor. its like a game for him. we had to finally start using plastic glasses. he knows its wrong to bang the laptop hard but he still does it, for the fun of it. the only thing you can do is run after him all the time. he would throw everything out of the supermarket shelves. i think Montessori missed something in her theory.Xero said:
There is such phenomenon as the crises of 3 years. This is the age when children test their parents checking what reaction will follow after this or that action. It is very important to show a child who is the head however we should also show him that there are some things which he may be responsible for as well.
It is also very important to mention that children feel us and if they feel that you hesitate - they will try to put the heat on you by tears.
Confident and calm mother is what a child must see.
It is also very important to mention that children feel us and if they feel that you hesitate - they will try to put the heat on you by tears.
Confident and calm mother is what a child must see.
It looks like you are getting lots of good advice, but I have a suggestion just for the crying. If possible when he starts crying play some soft soothing music to distract him while you pick him up and cuddle him or pick him (if he lets you, some toddlers will not) and take him outside for a quick breath of fresh air. I think it helps a lot to distract a tired/sick baby from whatever upset them. I know that it is very frustrating and you feel the need to get your emotions out also, but hitting him or sometimes even yelling will likely make him cry more. If he is the type to throw himself on the floor try the music and maybe gently rubbing his back. [/COLOR]