Apologies if I have been very grouchy lately...

[cybele]

And advance apologies for future grouchieness?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my general treatment of myself, and realised that something is really wrong there, combined with my husband telling me that he is really worried about me (my weight, or lack of, in particular, I am now down to a children's 10-12, which by adult US standards would be around 000) and I have come to the conclusion that I need to fix these things.
I'm trying to cut down on coffee and cigarettes (yes, I started smoking again, quite heavily) because I am substituting them for food, really the only time I eat is at dinner with the family and I only eat a child-sized portion because I always feel so nauseous, the rest of the day I only consume black coffee, anyways, I have been so irritable since cutting down, migraines, shakes, anxiety, cold sweats, the works and it has really effected my personality and has made me quite short-tempered. I can't recall if I have lashed out at anyone on here but if it has come across that way I apologise.

Eventually my goal is to quit smoking again, but the way I figure the most important thing at the moment is trying to get my weight back up to something healthy, then I will work on that, then the coffee, then cut down on alcohol consumption, but that is far from my biggest problem at the moment. I kind of want all vices gone, I haven't had that since I was a teenager, I don't know if it is possible, but I am going to try.

 

[Xero]

I am sorry to hear that! Hey, we are here for you, it is okay to be grumpy we are understanding. Good luck with everything, you are a strong person and I know you can do it.

 

[singledad]

I'm sorry cybele

For what it's worth, I haven't noticed you being grouchy on anything here.

And hey, like Xero said - we're here for you

 

[IADad]

I'm sorry you're having issues, so proud if you for recognizing then and deciding to make change. You can do this!

 

[mom2many]

Not noticing any grouchiness from you either.

Good luck though with trying to get things under control.

 

[akmom]

You can do it.

I'm not sure it's possible for anyone to eliminate all vices forever, but you can tackle the ones you mentioned.

 

[cybele]

Thanks guys.

I'm not doing too bad... I think. I have written myself up a not-very-strict meal plan for the next four weeks (started it last Monday) and whilst it's nothing amazing, it's just to tell me what to eat at the time. I've given myself the little rule of I can smoke and have coffee, but I have to finish my plate first, that way I am not filling up on things that aren't food.

It's already cut down my intake of both quite a bit.

Have to be honest though, I am finding eating at every meal tiring. Even if I love what I am eating, by the time I get to afternoon tea it feels like such a chore.

 

[singledad]

Have you considered replacing one or more of the smaller meals with a shake of some sort? It’s less effort to prepare, and less effort to consume, especially if you don’t feel like eating. If you can get past the meatheads, I’d suggest checking out the sports-nutrition section for one with real nutritional value, as opposed to the glorified flavoured milk you find elsewhere. I’ve used USN products in the past – they’re quite good, even for people who aren’t interested in looking like freaks! (I’m pretty sure they make vegetarian products too).

 

[cybele]

I've been having smoothies and yoghurts for breakfast mostly, eventually I want to have proper food for breakfast, but slowly going.

 

[IADad]

How's it going Cybele? have any updates for us?

As I try to lose weight I think about your struggle to modify your eating.

 

[cybele]

I think it's hard both ways. Bad habits die hard.

It's not going too bad, I still eat like a child but at least I eat like a child 5 times a day instead of 1. I have gained about half a kilo, which is something like one pound. I still look exactly the same though.
That said, the coffee consumption has dropped because I am usually too full to have more than one cup at a time, which is good.

 

[akmom]

Have you consulted a doctor or nutritionist about the best approach?

 

[cybele]

No, I'm a bit too proud/stubborn for that just yet.

 

[singledad]

Baby steps are fine, as long as they're in the right direction

Keep going, you'll get there eventually!

 

[IADad]

I think it's hard both ways. Bad habits die hard.

It's not going too bad, I still eat like a child but at least I eat like a child 5 times a day instead of 1. I have gained about half a kilo, which is something like one pound. I still look exactly the same though.
That said, the coffee consumption has dropped because I am usually too full to have more than one cup at a time, which is good.

You are so right - Last year I lost a bunch of weight, I thought I had truly changed my lifestyle. It didn't feel like I was dieting, I was proud of my accomplishments, then seemingly one day, I let it slide away and within about 6 months I was right back where I started. And it took a lot to get started again, because I had more of a feeling of failure, a predisposition to "why bother starting I'll probably fail again."

I think that's a great start. You don't want to put on weight rapidly and you certainly don't want to put on a bunch of unhealthy fat. Don't think of it as just a half a kilo, that's a significant step. If you can add that in a healthy way, just think how much better you body will move and feel, I bet you can almost feel those strong muscles building, your organs waking up and functioning better. I know I can with losing

Keep up the good work!

 

[IADad]

No, I'm a bit too proud/stubborn for that just yet.

Just remember that you are putting weight on, not to fulfill some statistical number (you're "x" centimeters tall you should weigh "Y" number of kilograms) you're doing it so the machine that is your body can function optimally. So, if you need assistance finding out what to eat and how to exercise to build muscle, have good joint and bone health, good organ function, sport phenomenal looking skin and hair, there's no shame in seeking out a professional.

 

[Xero]

Don't they have special high calorie drinks or other stuff like that to help people with this type of problem? I feel like I've seen the stuff before, but I can't remember...

Anyway you sound like you are already making a little progress, which is awesome!! Keep going, you can do it. We are rooting for you.

IADad - You can do it too! Backtracking sucks I know, but that at least tells you that you are capable of losing weight and you already know you can do it, and how to do it. I'm finally done with my own weight loss journey haha (other than maintaining, which can be a lot of work in itself sometimes!), I feel awesome and energetic and healthy.

I do have a caffeine problem though, which I know I should probably work on. :/

 

[IADad]

Don't they have special high calorie drinks or other stuff like that to help people with this type of problem? I feel like I've seen the stuff before, but I can't remember...

Anyway you sound like you are already making a little progress, which is awesome!! Keep going, you can do it. We are rooting for you.

IADad - You can do it too! Backtracking sucks I know, but that at least tells you that you are capable of losing weight and you already know you can do it, and how to do it. I'm finally done with my own weight loss journey haha (other than maintaining, which can be a lot of work in itself sometimes!), I feel awesome and energetic and healthy.

I do have a caffeine problem though, which I know I should probably work on. :/

Thanks, Mostly as I lose I', trying to change my life and the way I live, define a new normal, so that I'm not "dieting" I'm just eating well. I thought I had made that shift but it's scary how fast you can revert to old bad habits when you aren't aware (or willing to act on your awareness."

As for the high calorie drinks, yes there are, but I think the way she is going about it is better, she's re-teaching herself how to fuel her body right. The drinks would just be a short cut to adding some weight. So, if she needed it to sustain life, okay, but as part of this journey, I don't think so. But this does point out another reason why seeking out professional advice could be really helpful.

 

[cybele]

Okay, so about two weeks ago I ended up seeing a doctor at the persistence of my best friend. I have been diagnosed with EDNOS and BDD and she referred me to a counsellor.

I have had two sessions with the counsellor and it has really been helpful so far, part of what she asked me to do before the next session is to be open about the reasons, that I am aware of and have admitted to as to why I have gotten here, so I want to do some of that here, admittedly, as a trial run because it is less scary to do it online than face to face with someone, also because I can word it and re-word it before I press send, whereas when I am talking to my husband or my best friend what falls out of my mouth is it.

There was a time, when we only had Dita and Azriel, when we had very little money to live on and often Ash's paycheck wouldn't stretch, so food was the very basics and we used to dumpster dive a fair bit and obviously we would make sure that the children had the best foods first, then we would eat whatever else was left. We're not there anymore, we both have decent incomes and we have a few investment properties that bring in money, we don't have an awful lot to play around with, but we have plenty of food, very little debt and the bills are always paid. There are 7 people in my home who I love very much, I see a lot of good in them and I want everything for them, and I believe that they are more deserving of food than I am. Which doesn't make sense because we don't have to prioritise who gets to eat anymore. It's not in the forefront of my mind at every meal, but it is in my head. I just don't think that I am worth very much, at least, no where near as much as they are.
I've always had problems with addiction, I'd like to blame my parents for that, and they probably do play a part, but I think placing the whole blame on them would be a cop-out. I don't know why I can't deal with things in a constructive manner and I don't know why I don't want to stop because in my head I know that smoking and drinking (and no, I am not talking about coffee anymore, I've probably mentioned alcohol on here enough times for everyone to pick up that I drink) isn't helping but I struggle with the idea of not having those two things there. I think it would take away so much of me that I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Also, I don't know any other coping mechanism. I am not constantly drunk around my kids, I don't drink to that excess, most nights I will still be able to drive legally, but I need at least 2 drinks every night or I cannot cope, or sleep.

I have always had an obsession with body modification, an I have had quite a few things done. I do stand by them and I do love them, but I can acknowledge that this want to not look normal does play into the EDNOS. Whilst I do believe that a lack of self-worth is the primary cause of my eating problems, I have to admit that I do, to an extent, like looking sickly because it plays into this unnatural appearance I have created for myself. I need to start drawing the line between having fun with my body and appearance and doing things that are effecting my health, and the weight problem is on the wrong side of the line. I know that I may come to backtrack on that, my counsellor does have a theory as to why I want to look the way I do, and I can't say that I 100% disagree with her, but at this point I don't think it's exactly a bad thing, also I think it goes further back then what she is saying, but who knows.

So yeah. That's it.



On a positive note though, I am up 1.5kilos from when I started.

 

[Xero]

Congrats on the 1.5kilos! It sounds like you went through a lot at one time, my heart goes out to you. No one should have to go through that. I can't imagine anyone would make it out without some kind of emotional damage.

I hope that you can come to see your self worth in a better light in time, and feel better in general. You deserve it, and remember its not just for you, imagine how happy your family will be to see you looking and feeling healthier.

And you don't have to make excuses for drinking or smoking, life sucks and it's the little things that get us through. I have never been a smoker but I drink recreationally I suppose, if I have a sitter or the kids are in bed or whatever. My DH smokes and he knows it's bad for him and wants to quit as well, to some extent, but he feels the same way you do. He feels like it would take too much away from who he is and the way he lives his life and copes with stress and all that. It seems like a very huge, scary deal to him and I respect that. I have never pushed him, and I can't expect him to quit unless he is ready and he wants to, for himself. Until then I'm here for him.

I would say to take it one thing at a time. I would focus on the weight thing for now, that seems like the most important to me. You can do it, and we are here for support and to listen.